Kissedbyfire Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 Hi, I recently started dating someone seriously for the first time since my divorce (8 years). We are both in our 40s, and seem to be compatible in most every way, including sexually. Well recently we were very passionate, and he grabbed my neck with both hands in a choke hold. I moved his hands, and we didn't discuss it afterward. What the heck? Should I be afraid? I have never faced this situation before, and just feel so out of touch with dating in general. Any insight would be appreciated! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 Are you into S&M? Is he? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gary Snyder Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 I think that's something you should discuss with him before you are intimate again. It might not be a big deal though.... after all, you are still here. Some people are into different stuff (I personally don't get it, not for me?). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Knot2loud Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 Choke hold? I don't get it either... Guess you'll find out soon enough. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moodindigo91 Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 I don't know, I'm into that kind of stuff. Personally, I love being choked during sex, but I usually tell my partner that ahead of time. Some men are down for it, others feel uncomfortable. I think it intensifies the physical feeling and the moment, my ex would sometimes get carried away and choke too hard, at which point I'd just place my hand on his and he would loosen the grip. If you find you might be into it, maybe talk about it and set up some ground rules and try it out. I don't think you need to be worried about it, it's not necessarily a sign that he's abusive, he might just like rough sex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostandhurt Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 Bring it up casually that you didn't like it when he did that. Being able to discuss anything with your partner is a sign of a healthy and open relationship. Why did he do it? Either he has been watching to much porn or he was trying to dominate you. Either way let him know what you like and what you do not like. He should be trying to please you so he will appreciate the info. Remember if you are willing to allow him to have sex with you then you should be willing to talk about it too. Lost Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hermes Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 It's called "erotic asphyxiation" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ParisPaulette Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 Should I be afraid? I have never faced this situation before, and just feel so out of touch with dating in general. Any insight would be appreciated! Very afraid. He didn't ask, he didn't discuss, he didn't say afterwards, "I'm sorry, but was that okay..." People who are into S&M or who enjoy that know to ask their partner before they do it. This though is more a red flag that this person is likely abusive or has some sort of issues about sex that mean they can potentially hurt their partner in the throes of "passion." I'm sorry, if it were me I would block and delete the guy and not look back. Discuss? What is there to discuss. In my case he'd have gotten hurt very badly or worse, because I would have seen that as a threat to my personal safety and I would have reacted. And when Paris reacts to threats she doesn't play nice. If he only had to go to the hospital he would have been lucky. Not cool and a giant red flag. Even in play people have been killed in choke holds, let alone during sex. IF you told him this was okay, fine, I have no issues with that. But he didn't, he just did it and is pushing physical boundaries to see what you will or won't put up with. I would never feel safe with someone who did that to me, and I've counseled and talked to enough other people who found themselves being hurt or worse with people who got violent on them to tell you that for me it would just not be worth the risk that the next time it would be something worse or he might not stop in choking you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happpybear Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 Um, yes this is a thing. I would be very concerned that he didn't discuss this first with you to get your consent to do this to you. Unless you have talked about being into this and wanting it, he really shouldn't be taking liberties. Because it's not a common thing, and it is agressive. The fact that he didn't talk about it with you for consent, and still tried, and hasn't bothered to bring it up again would make me never talk to him again. That's just me though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hermes Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 Yes, Paulette. "Even in play people have been killed in choke holds, let alone during sex. " Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
j.man Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 My big question is whether he put his hands your neck and just started squeezing hard or if he initiated in sort of an asking without words way. But it's not my thing and it sounds like a big potential sexual incompatibility issue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt3939 Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 I think this is a huge how it went down type of thing. Everyone is different and everyone likes certain things. Its all new. He cold have had a partner who liked that or he could be into that. If he actually started squeezing? Well that's a whole other thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DancingFool Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 Communication communication..... As you now know it's a thing for some people. From what you describe he started to, you moved his hands, he stopped. It would be concerning if he didn't or tried again soon after you moved his hands, but since he just stopped as soon as you showed you are not into that.... Anyway, you need to let him know to keep his paws off your neck and other things that you are and aren't into, especially the aren't into part so it doesn't come up as a surprise again. The bottom line is that you two don't know each other and are still in the getting to know you and what you do and don't do portion of the relationship. So communicate. Solves a lot of problems. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unreasonable Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 My wife has a girlfriend that likes to be choked during sex. My wife and I tried it and ended up laughing uncontrollably afterward. Haven't tried it since. :surprise: It's a thing in certain circles, perhaps he thinks that circle is larger than it is, what with all this "50 shades" stuff going on. I would hardly call it a mainstream act, even though I've tried it. Definitely something to talk about first. I would just tell him you're not comfortable with it, I wouldn't automatically assume he's a psycho. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pippy longstocking Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 It's called "erotic asphyxiation" exactly ...although to be fair I call it a cum choke .. I haven't read all replies so this has probably been covered .... op no way should anyone ever do this without a conversation first ..there needs to be rules ..there needs to be trust ..oh my god does there need to be trust . A lot of people think s+m is just dirty rough sex ..it isn't , it takes more love and trust and devotion than you can imagine . You need safe words , you need to know how far you are both prepared to take the choking .. the orgasm is incredible , the strangling is just indescribable ...but it's your gig or it isn't .....and it needs talking about !!!!!!! he clearly doesn't know sh1t about this stuff or he wouldn't have just done it !!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hermes Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 "what is not passed on is the fact that it can be fatal. 'When pressure is put on the vagus nerve in the neck, instantaneous death can happen,' explains Dr Dean, a coroner in Essex. 'The sudden increase in pressure sends a message to the heart to shut down and a sudden cardiac death will result. This is why this practice is immensely hazardous and extremely dangerous.'" "The prevalence of auto-erotic fatalities is difficult to calculate, since a coroner often records a verdict of accident or misadventure. It is under these labels that many auto-erotic deaths lie hidden. Sometimes, however, where uncertainty exists over whether the person intended suicide, the verdict is left open. Bereaved families usually prefer this. 'They often find an open verdict a little easier to accept, certainly easier than misadventure which might imply unsuspected goings-on,' says Dr Dean. Although statistics have never been recorded in Britain, one US study estimated that there are between 500 and 1,000 deaths from auto-erotic asphyxia every year. An analysis of 135 such cases by the FBI found the average age of the victims was 26." From: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pippy longstocking Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 "what is not passed on is the fact that it can be fatal. 'When pressure is put on the vagus nerve in the neck, instantaneous death can happen,' explains Dr Dean, a coroner in Essex. 'The sudden increase in pressure sends a message to the heart to shut down and a sudden cardiac death will result. This is why this practice is immensely hazardous and extremely dangerous.'" "The prevalence of auto-erotic fatalities is difficult to calculate, since a coroner often records a verdict of accident or misadventure. It is under these labels that many auto-erotic deaths lie hidden. Sometimes, however, where uncertainty exists over whether the person intended suicide, the verdict is left open. Bereaved families usually prefer this. 'They often find an open verdict a little easier to accept, certainly easier than misadventure which might imply unsuspected goings-on,' says Dr Dean. Although statistics have never been recorded in Britain, one US study estimated that there are between 500 and 1,000 deaths from auto-erotic asphyxia every year. An analysis of 135 such cases by the FBI found the average age of the victims was 26." From: ] ABSOFECKINLUTELY That's why he had no damned business just lunging in there .... some of us take it to the passing out stage !! that is like an art form not a quick fumble . You know what I think hermes ...he thought he was being hot and masterful , probably seen it somewhere and thought he would be different ..the plum . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hermes Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 LOL Pippy. Probably got the idea from trashy books Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pippy longstocking Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 LOL Pippy. Probably got the idea from trashy books haha I was just thinking that about that book ..what's it called ..there was a right fuss about it and then they made a film ..well if they had it in there you can bet that's where he got the idea . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hermes Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 Yeh, a wannabe gray, like pretty whatisface JD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pippy longstocking Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 ahhh that's it ..THAT'S IT ....shades of grey lololol When it came out my mate got it ..I said , you gonna pass it on ..she said *pips , you do more than the contents of that book for an aperitif , don't waste you time* lolol so I never . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hermes Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 Me neither. Why would I bother. Poorly written anyhow. But, hats off to the author. She's the one laughing all the way to the bank. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SkellyWoozle Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 Me neither. Why would I bother. Poorly written anyhow. But, hats off to the author. She's the one laughing all the way to the bank. You've read one - you've read them all There used to be a guy in our local market who sold all of "those" types of books.... really nice guy, actually - like your friendly granddad next door. I did wonder if he'd ever read any or even knew what they were about! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thornz Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 Personally I am into it, as are many people I know, my best friend has actually accidentally choked his partner unconscious more than once. Luckily my partner is very good at picking up on cues from me so we didn't need a discussion he just got it. Sounds like your partner is into choking (or has dated women previously who liked it) and thought he'd try it out with you too. You moved his hands and he took the hint. Don't think you've got anything to be worried about unless he was squeezing hard or hurting you or didn't stop when you moved his hands. If he is into BDSM (as opposed to testing different things with you to see what floats your boat) then maybe you're not as compatible sexually as you thought? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
agent1607307371 Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 You should definirely worry. If you don't know what you're doing, you can kill people like that. And you need to have a very seriously conversation about sex and boundaries and what you like and what is acceptable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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