Is this controlling and jealous or is this justifiable?

[WineoftheGods]

I have been in a relationship for three years with this girl, I was about to take a trip to Europe and she wanted to be on a break (for personal and emotional reasons I was told,) I had work stress and wasn’t always the most fun to be around as well, I’m sure. I was nervous not only because I wondered why she would want a break when I was already going to be gone for 2 weeks, but more so because she had met a new guy friend who was kinda flirting with her when they met. She was going through a tough time emotionally and was seeking him out more frequently which was making me a little uncomfortable to begin with. With that said I should trust her wholeheartedly because she hadn’t done anything to break my trust, but I did want to meet the guy. I questioned her on some technical aspects like if we were single or together (the answer was single) and told her I value the relationship and felt like she should be allowed all the space she needs but that we should still honor the relationship and be faithful and together. It took some arguing to get us to still be in a relationship and together, but she was upset that I was focusing on the technicals and not on that she needed a break because she needed to feel like she could have fresh air and deal with her emotional problems.

 

When I was in Europe I was upset and basically said screw you, you can have what you want, we’re broken up. I was happy to see that she was wanting to talk to me and resolve things but I seemed steadfast and unmoving which obviously scarred her. In reality I just wanted her to value me in the relationship and fight for me and in hindsight this was a mean and manipulative thing to do. Unbeknownst to me she was hooking up and having sex with the guy when I was gone and when I later found out (I basically caught them.) I was told this only happened because I had broken up with her and she was an emotional wreck. When I broke up with her I did tell her that I had no problems with her in the relationship, I wanted her to know it’s what I felt she was asking for. In some ways it was a test, I figured if she’s going to cheat on me with this guy, she was going to do it anyways (relationship or not,) but I really hoped she wouldn’t.

 

[Fast Forward] I loved her so much I didn’t want to lose her and we resolved things when I got home, despite that I felt like it was wrong of her to do that with the prospect that we would most likely get back together, I was sure we both felt that we wanted that and we did apparently. I had one major problem when we got back together though, she wanted to remain platonic friends with this guy. I couldn’t handle that and in my opinion I don’t think it is acceptable conduct for her to continue hanging out with someone she barely knew and had sex with a handful of times and that whether or not it was cheating I felt like it was wrong that she did that and extremely hurtful to me that they remain in contact and be friends while we continue to have a relationship. I told her it was me or him; that she would have to choose, that she couldn’t have both because every time she meets up with him or talks to him it was like sticking a knife in an open wound to me emotionally. Because she knew how I felt she would meet up with him or text him behind my back and lie to me. She didn’t think it was right of me to tell her she can’t be friends with this specific guy (I have no problem with her hanging out with other guys). But I said considering everything that happened, I was not okay with them being friends.

 

I know there is a lot of wrong stuff happening above but this is the question: Is that wrong of me to ask that she cut off contact, and is it controlling? or is it justifiable for me to ask her to cut off all contact with him because it was so hurtful to me while I’m trying to heal from them hooking up?

[SkellyWoozle]

Playing games and saying things like "screw you, we're broken up" sometimes backfires on you, like it has done here! You broke up with her, told her to do what she wanted and she did just that. IMHO, you have no real come back as to whether it was officially cheating as you virtually gave her permission to do it and didn't have the desired result of thinking "Oh, what have I done?" and have her come running back to you. Firstly, let that be a lesson to you.

 

Secondly, if you ban all out contact between her and this fella (yes, that is controlling and whilst I get it, you can't enforce such a thing) then I would guess she might just go behind your back.

 

So are you back together or is this one of the "conditions" of a resolution?

[nutbrownhare]

Sure, you can ask that she cut off contact - which you've already done. The difference between being assertive and controlling is that with the first, you let your thoughts and feelings be known - and then let go the outcome. To keep on and on about the same point is an attempt to control.

 

However, you ARE sending her a lot of mixed messages, aren't you? First of all, you tell her "screw you, you can have what you want, we’re broken up" and then derive satisfaction from keeping her at a distance. So you can hardly blame her for hooking up with someone else! This is really not a good game to play - pushing someone away when you fear there's someone else on the horizon! (At least, not if you actually want a relationship with them!)

 

While you two were broken up, she owed you nothing. You knew you were playing a game, but she didn't, and nothing in your actions conveyed that you'd want to reconcile. I feel kind of sorry for the other guy in this; he's been used as a pawn in you and your girlfriend's game, and I guess she's keeping him around as a backup. Either that, or she recognises that he was there for her after you'd dumped her, she has some sense of gratitude towards him and isn't going to drop him like a hot potato just because you're back on the scene for now.

 

So, having told her your relationship was over, it hardly makes sense to treat her as though she'd been cheating on you! As far as she was aware, she was a free agent and perfectly entitled to see whoever she pleased!

 

And now? You're telling her to choose. Is she actually in contact with him, or do you fear she might be? Either way, you are giving her an ultimatum, and then not sticking to it. Telling someone to choose, as a way of controlling their actions, never works; it's only effective if you mean it and are prepared to stand by your words. It's the difference between establishing boundaries, and manipulation.

 

To be honest, there's so much that's wrong with this relationship that I suspect you'd both be better advised to spend some time alone without hooking up with anyone, or trying to reconcile. You need to learn to communicate in open, honest, non-manipulative ways or you'll drive away the very people who'd be capable of loving you steadfastly and well.

 

You also need to realise that it's not your place to decide that other people's actions are "wrong" when you've already rejected them, but still expect them to please you and do what you want them to do. The world's just not like that, and thinking it is will bring you a whole pile of heartache.

 

You are clearly in a great deal of pain and anguish right now, but within that is a huge opportunity for growth and self-examination if you're open to the experience.

[jujusamples]

Yes it is wrong for you to ask her not to see that guy! You can't trust her, you shouldn't have gotten back together with her. Once when a trust is broken, it is very hard to mend a relationship.

 

That being said, you can not force or control another person. You could only control yourself. IMHO, I don't think this relationship is right for you at this time. She wants to stay in contact and hang out with this guy for a reason. Hmmm... unfinished business?

 

The question is, could you handle her seeing and staying in contact with him? If you can't, I'd say, you two should stay broken up.

 

I'm not a fan of breaking up and getting back together. A breakup should not be taken lightly nor should it be taken as, you shouldn't see someone else because we are broken up and possibly get back together. A bit childish in my opinion. A breakup is a hurtful thing, once when it's done, it's generally for good. If you end up getting back together, it will just end up at square one. It would be a vicious cycle. A breakup is also not a tool to play manipulative games either. It will back fire and will never end good.

 

So the decision is yours, you either accept getting back together for whatever you could get out of it or you accept her in contact with this guy. If it was me, I wouldn't have never gotten back and go no contact.

[WineoftheGods]

I understand there were some things done wrong in this story, i really tried to say it unbiased. But in a long term relationship I don't think things are so black and white, I don't call it cheating, but there is a lot more to the story and we talked the whole time i was gone and a lot was about seeing if we could get the relationship to work. i don't think it's okay to ask for a momentary break most likely with the intention to hook up with another person and have no repercussions for the actions.

 

On the second part, I appreciate you understand but do you think it is acceptable behavior, i certainly know that if i had made the same decisions as her, i wouldn't even have to wait for her to ask me to stop hanging out with this fictionary girl, but that out of respect for my girlfriend and because i love her, i wouldn't want to put her through the emotional pain and i would value my relationship more than a brief friendship/hookup.

 

We are no longer together.

 

(I ask that anyone who read this not let it influence my story that I tried to write unbiased)

[jujusamples]

I understand there were some things done wrong in this story, i really tried to say it unbiased. But in a long term relationship I don't think things are so black and white, I don't call it cheating, but there is a lot more to the story and we talked the whole time i was gone and a lot was about seeing if we could get the relationship to work. i don't think it's okay to ask for a momentary break most likely with the intention to hook up with another person and have no repercussions for the actions.

 

On the second part, I appreciate you understand but do you think it is acceptable behavior, i certainly know that if i had made the same decisions as her, i wouldn't even have to wait for her to ask me to stop hanging out with this fictionary girl, but that out of respect for my girlfriend and because i love her, i wouldn't want to put her through the emotional pain and i would value my relationship more than a brief friendship/hookup.

 

We are no longer together.

 

(I ask that anyone who read this not let it influence my story that I tried to write unbiased)

 

I think I responded to you in a very unbiased manner! You have to understand that this is what you would have done, it's what you want. Everyone is different. You can't control what other's do. You could only control yourself. Sure, it's something you feel you would have done is to stop seeing the guy, but she's not you and you are not her.

 

I don't think there are any influence to the your story, it's pretty straight forward. I have been in many long term relationship, longer than 3 years before. Never has I once made the decision to break up with someone and get back together! Why? If you love somebody, why do you want to put them through that heart ache just to tell them I didn't mean it? A break up should be thought out carefully and not used when upset or angry. If I was the dumpee, why would I get back with someone whom just broke my heart and hurt me like that? It's no difference from cheating, the trust will be gone.

[notalady]

I don't think it's a matter of who's right or wrong. She's not wrong, you just have incompatible values, ie you think one should honour the relationship fresh out of break up by not immediately moving on / hooking up with someone else and she thinks otherwise, in fact that might be how she process break ups. So is it acceptable behaviour? Absolutely. But I wouldn't get back together with someone that jumped in bed with someone else right after we break up.

 

I would question why she initially asked for a "break" and said that you would both be single during this break, I would suspect she already had her eyes on someone else. At the very least, the relationship was not working, irrelevant to this guy's presence. No one in a healthy happy relationship wants a break, so something must not be working.

 

You playing games was wrong. But to get back together was even more wrong, it's just not working, simple as that. Nothing to do with this other guy.

 

I too would feel uncomfortable if my partner wants to remain friends with a recent hookup. But I wouldn't make them cut off contact. I would voice my opinion and leave it at that.

[nutbrownhare]

i don't think it's okay to ask for a momentary break most likely with the intention to hook up with another person and have no repercussions for the actions.

 

On the second part, I appreciate you understand but do you think it is acceptable behavior, i certainly know that if i had made the same decisions as her, i wouldn't even have to wait for her to ask me to stop hanging out with this fictionary girl, but that out of respect for my girlfriend and because i love her, i wouldn't want to put her through the emotional pain and i would value my relationship more than a brief friendship/hookup.

 

We are no longer together.

 

(I ask that anyone who read this not let it influence my story that I tried to write unbiased)

 

You two are clearly not on the same page here at all, not saying either's right or wrong. This girl is clearly not the one for you - you've different value systems and senses of responsibility - and brooding over her actions will not help you heal at all. I wouldn't feel comfortable with it either - feeling that you've been instantly replaced is a very unpleasant one, and maintaining the contact would be rubbing salt into the wound - but dealing with our own painful feelings is nobody's responsibility but our own. We can choose, of course, not to keep on walking into a situation where we're going to be hurt, or setting up the situation in the first place.

 

Speaking personally, I don't even TRY to have a relationship or anything other than totally platonic dating for at least a year after a breakup because it'll interfere with my healing process. But I recognise that other people do. And it's not my business.

[WineoftheGods]

thank you for your response to my response jujusampies, you did respond in a very unbiased manner, i had intended the reply be for skellywoozie

[WineoftheGods]

You two are clearly not on the same page here at all, not saying either's right or wrong. This girl is clearly not the one for you - you've different value systems and senses of responsibility - and brooding over her actions will not help you heal at all. I wouldn't feel comfortable with it either - feeling that you've been instantly replaced is a very unpleasant one, and maintaining the contact would be rubbing salt into the wound - but dealing with our own painful feelings is nobody's responsibility but our own. We can choose, of course, not to keep on walking into a situation where we're going to be hurt, or setting up the situation in the first place.

 

Speaking personally, I don't even TRY to have a relationship or anything other than totally platonic dating for at least a year after a breakup because it'll interfere with my healing process. But I recognise that other people do. And it's not my business.

 

This is the kind of response that I was looking for, we are not together anymore because of our different value systems. I was the nicest guy on the planet, i financially supported her, she has a migraine condition and i would sit in the ER with her on a regular basis for 8 hours. Cancel plans to make sure she comfortable. listen to what excited her and buy her gifts the i knew she was looking forward to as a surprise. I've never been mean to her, Im the kind of person everything thinks is the sweetest guy on the planet. I have tradition values in some ways. but i also understand that a lot of this can be interpreted as philosophy because I fully accept people in polyamorous relationship if they both consent to it. My 2 week trip to italy happened over 6 months ago and our relationship has been great since. we've talked of getting married and having kids. i've only recently found out she continues to see this guy because she seemed to understand my feelings but when i found out she was lying recently it hurt and i felt like i was betrayed and couldn't trust her. Then i caught her, she was at his house late last night. that was the breaking point for me and i cannot get back together with her now

[nutbrownhare]

Then i caught her, she was at his house late last night. that was the breaking point for me and i cannot get back together with her now

 

Ouch! I guess the only positive thing to come from this is that you've now made a firm decision, rather than being stuck in the painful, unresolved place you were before. All you can do is cut off contact and look after YOU right now!

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately she wanted a break, you agreed. It's not cheating because you wanted to break up. In the end it sounds like she chose him.

 

What was the breakup about? It sounds like she ran to him after you said "screw you" while breaking up. And like the reconciliation did not go will and the arguments not only continued but now she found someone else and needed to decide who to be with.

 

It would be best to go no contact and block her since she refused to give up this guy when you discussed reconciling and that was a deal-breaker.

I have been in a relationship for three years with this girl, I was about to take a trip to Europe and she wanted to be on a break. she was hooking up and having sex with the guy when I was gone.I was told this only happened because I had broken up with her. I told her it was me or him.

[j.man]

Yeah, so two things:

 

1. Don't use breaking up as a weapon of any sort.

 

2. I highly doubt it was coincidental she wanted a break at a moment she'd be completely free from spending time with you to pursue her own "interests."

 

I would have left her to pursue said interests and taken the opportunity to enjoy some European women.

[DancingFool]

Your relationship was already broken before she asked for a break.

Lesson to take away is that you shouldn't break up unless you mean to actually break up. Realize that most people will not play break up and make up games because it is a game and when you tell someone that things are over, they will take that seriously and walk away and conduct themselves and their lives as they see fit as a free agent. After a break up, that's the only sensible thing to do.

[moodindigo91]

Honestly, it all sounds like a dramatic mess. She asked for a break basically with the intention of hooking up with some other guy, so she can't blame you for her being an emotional wreck when you decided to break up with her after she asked for a break (which I probably would have done, too). That's all fine, that leaves her to pursue her guy and you to enjoy your trip in Europe.

 

The biggest mistake you made was getting back together with her. I wouldn't have entertained the option of getting back together with someone who wanted a "break" to see other people, that's called having your cake and eating it, too. And you gave that to her! You served her the cake, and gave her the fork to eat it with, and now you're mad because she's seeing the guy she slept with on your "break". That's ridiculous, what else could you really have expected!

 

You shouldn't have gotten back together and since you did you shouldn't have expected much to change. You shouldn't be together at all.

[Andrina]

The boundaries my husband and I agree on: No new one-one-one friendships with people of the opposite sex. I hang out with girlfriends, and my husband hangs out with guy friends, and we have group friends who we get together with now and then. This is what works for us. After 3 years with you, your gf became friends with a guy she was attracted to. To me, that's crossing a boundary. Perhaps from this experience, you can learn from this to discuss what boundaries you are comfortable with at the beginning of a relationship. If a woman doesn't agree, walk away.

 

She also chose a break from you, like you were some toxic substance, instead of working on problems together, or just discuss with you that she needed time to herself if she was overwhelmed by something and couldn't cater to your needs. If she didn't have time for you, why did she have time for another man? Obviously, she knew sleeping with the other guy would ruin any chance of a future with you. Her excuse of reeling from the emotional blow of you breaking up is clearly a lie to make you feel bad about her actions instead of admitting she's self-centered will go for what she wants regardless of the consequences.

 

After time and distance away from this breakup, years down the road when you meet someone worthy of you, you'll be glad it ended. For now, mourn the relationship, go no contact for closure, and work on being happy solo before pursuing anyone else.

[indea08]

I think she wanted a break right when you were leaving town because she wanted to sleep with the guy without guilt. You had to fight her to keep the relationship title because that meant if she slept with him, it would "technically" be cheating. But she put it off on you, saying YOU were more focused on the title and not the fact that she wanted a break. And then when you told her "screw you" you have her the perfect excuse just in case you ever found out. "But we were broken up!!"

 

I really don't need to know anything past what happened while you were gone. I'm 99% confident that she would've slept with him whether you'd dumped her or not. And the fact that she can twist all this around so that somehow you're to blame says a lot about her character.

 

Let her go. Stop listening to her words and listen to her actions. You deserve better.

[indea08]

Yeah, so two things:

 

1. Don't use breaking up as a weapon of any sort.

 

2. I highly doubt it was coincidental she wanted a break at a moment she'd be completely free from spending time with you to pursue her own "interests."

 

I would have left her to pursue said interests and taken the opportunity to enjoy some European women.

 

Nailed it. As usual.

[reinventmyself]

" was about to take a trip to Europe and she wanted to be on a break (for personal and emotional reasons I was told,) I had work stress and wasn’t always the most fun to be around as well, I’m sure. I was nervous not only because I wondered why she would want a break when I was already going to be gone for 2 weeks, but more so because she had met a new guy friend who was kinda flirting with her when they met. She was going through a tough time emotionally and was seeking him out more frequently which was making me a little uncomfortable to begin with. With that said I should trust her wholeheartedly because she hadn’t done anything to break my trust, but I did want to meet the guy. I questioned her on some technical aspects like if we were single or together (the answer was single) and told her I value the relationship and felt like she should be allowed all the space she needs but that we should still honor the relationship and be faithful and together. It took some arguing to get us to still be in a relationship and together, but she was upset that I was focusing on the technicals and not on that she needed a break because she needed to feel like she could have fresh air and deal with her emotional problems. "

 

This went south to begin with. She wanted a clean break from you and you `argued' her out of it and the rules continued to twist and change along the way.

[rosephase]

She broke up with you to sleep with this other guy. All the rest of it is head games. She wanted to try him out and she still wants his attention. I don't think this is a question about making rules for her, it's about making boundaries for yourself. Why are you with someone who lies to you to get what she wants? And then blames her actions on you? And then basically tells you your feelings about her awful treatment of you are out of line?

 

You are buying into the story she is telling herself so she doesn't have to feel bad for cheating on you and stringing you and this other guy along.

[WineoftheGods]

The boundaries my husband and I agree on: No new one-one-one friendships with people of the opposite sex. I hang out with girlfriends, and my husband hangs out with guy friends, and we have group friends who we get together with now and then. This is what works for us. After 3 years with you, your gf became friends with a guy she was attracted to. To me, that's crossing a boundary. Perhaps from this experience, you can learn from this to discuss what boundaries you are comfortable with at the beginning of a relationship. If a woman doesn't agree, walk away.

 

She also chose a break from you, like you were some toxic substance, instead of working on problems together, or just discuss with you that she needed time to herself if she was overwhelmed by something and couldn't cater to your needs. If she didn't have time for you, why did she have time for another man? Obviously, she knew sleeping with the other guy would ruin any chance of a future with you. Her excuse of reeling from the emotional blow of you breaking up is clearly a lie to make you feel bad about her actions instead of admitting she's self-centered will go for what she wants regardless of the consequences.

 

After time and distance away from this breakup, years down the road when you meet someone worthy of you, you'll be glad it ended. For now, mourn the relationship, go no contact for closure, and work on being happy solo before pursuing anyone else.

 

Thank you for your response I agree with you on so much, the only difference i guess we had was she's the kind of girl who doesn't hang out with girls, so i can't really tell her not to hang out with guys, and i didn't feel the need to and i feel totally comfortable especially after i meet them. She has guy friends that she occasionally crashes at their place and I honestly didn't mind. Our relationship was going great for 6 months after we got back together and we talked of marriage again (I wasn't the one to bring it up,) but then after i thought we had come to an understanding 6 months prior, all the sudden the guy came back in the picture, and it was too hurtful. She said it was messed up of me to control who she hangs out with and I agreed, she has guy friends that she does hang out with one-on-one and occasionally crashes at their place and I honestly didn't mind. But i Said this is different because you slept with this guy during the span of our relationship. And that if you really love me and want to with me and marry me, then I'm asking you to understand how much this hurts me and out of respect and love for me, i ask you to cut ties with him.

 

We really didn't have any major problems in the relationship this was it, i was always very sweet to her and treated her like my princess, she is emotionally unstable and sees a therapist (depression, panic attacks, self-harm,) the emotionally instability is what caused her to make bad decisions and ones she regretted to the point she didn't like herself. When i Broke up with her last night, she was crying hysterically, saying she regrets ever meeting the guy, that she wishes she was older and more mature (she's 22, I'm 28 ) and that if she had to do it over again she would have cut him the first time. She says they were just friends and the sex was a mistake, he came on to her when she was in an emotionally vulnerable state (she even wondered for a time if he had just been there to take advantage of her, he said he wasn't looking for a relationship and when he made the move on her apologized and said he couldn't control himself. He came on to her after she was crying (an inappropriate time) and she said just didn't say no even though she didn't really want to, but because he was there for her during this time and she had value how much he could talk her through her emotional problems. I figured when she said she loved me and would do anything for me and she desired to get married to me, i figured she would cut contact with him without me asking when she knew how much it hurt me, and when she didn't then i asked her. Anyway, i do think the relationship was good, that we were sweet and snuggly with one another all the time, I just think her emotional instability caused her to make bad decisions and this guy came in and ruined what we had going. She said she wishes she never met him.

[notalady]

Suuuuure, he came on to her, it's ALL his fault. And after he "took advantage" of her, she CHOOSE to remain friends with him and go to his place late at night after you've been back together 6 months? Please.

 

She's not taking responsibility for her own actions and her own choices, and blaming it all on this guy. As far as I'm concerned, this guy did nothing wrong. She was single and open to a sexual encounter and they had consensual sex. She needs to own up to her side. Yes she does indeed need to mature.

[Andrina]

You can't be in a healthy relationship with a broken person. If you are choosing someone like this, you might have a rescuing mentality. Rescuers end up hurting themselves, because a broken person can only fix themselves and the rescuer winds up wondering why his love wasn't enough. Her emotional instability isn't going away anytime soon, or perhaps maybe it never will. Does she get a lifetime free pass for poor decisions and poor ethics because of her emotional problems? Being sorry isn't enough when she is speaking as though she can't help letting life happen to her versus being in charge and making things right. You made the right choice breaking it off when she chose a man she just met over you.

[Wiseman2]

To be honest, she sounds too immature, impulsive and unstable for you. Try not to mistake intensity for intimacy, because she's not capable of that for these reasons.

 

It may be best to find women closer to your own level of maturity and stability, now that you've seen the downside of dating the "beautiful mess" types.

she is emotionally unstable and sees a therapist (depression, panic attacks, self-harm,) the emotionally instability is what caused her to make bad decisions and ones she regretted to the point she didn't like herself. she's 22, I'm 28

[reinventmyself]

You don't need to try to control her. You need to look at it differently. She has free will to make her choices. You honor that.

You share with her how her spending time with this guy makes you feel and she gets to choose whether or not she wants to.

 

With that you now get to choose, based on the facts and actions in front of you, whether you walk away or stay.

 

There isn't any control involved.

Trying to `make' someone stop is futile and will backfire.