How many time should I forgive him?

UsedUsername · October 4, 2016

Hi everyone.

I have a problem regarding my relationship. I am in a wonderful relationship with my boyfriend, neither of us thought that it was possible to find a person that gives you so much joy and personal stimulans every day. But the problem is that he keeps lying to me. And that is definitely not the most healthy thing.

When we got together some 1 1/2 year ago I told him about my views on pornography in a relationship. There is a personal reason for my dislike of porn: it ruined my last relationship. As my ex's addiction to porn grew (he was not addicted when we got together) i became less important to him, not only sexually but emotionally too. It came to the point where he would not talk to me when I visited him because he was afraid I would distract him from the work he had to do at home (he was a workoholic too) and instead of interacting with me when he needed a break, he went to the bathroom to watch porn on his cell.

My current boyfriend said he understood when I first told him about this and that I could not be in a relationship again where my bf might, over time, delevop an addiction to porn. He said fine and that it was not important for him to watch it and would stop at an instant.

3 months ago i found porn on his computer and when i confronted him about it he said he watched it a couple of times a week. We live together and have a great sex life, I love having sex with him and want it almost every night but he told me he watches porn the (very few hours I might add) we don't spend together at home. It should be said I think masturbating is a healthy and normal thing and different from sex, so i definately dont mind him doing that, I have just asked him to use his imagination.

After the revelation my boyfriend said he did not know I would be this upset and react this strongly. When I asked if it might be an addiction and if he neeed help he denied it and said it was just a habit to him and he would stop. I asked a couple of times since if he had stopped watching porn and he said yes and that I should stop being suspicious. So I did my best to rebuild my trust to him. But two weeks ago I could not resist to check his internet history and was devestateed to find porn there. I did not confront him but instead deleted it and just reminded him how much it means to me that he does not watch porn. He again said that of acuse he did not do it and almost became angry that i 'accused' him. But then again I checked last night...and found new porn (and even found he was seaching for new porn websites to enjoy).

I have not told him anything yet. Forgetting all this we have a fantastic relationship and I still love him and want a life with him. But when I can not trust him maybe it is better to be with someone I can trust but might not get a long this AS good as I do with him? I told him I would leave him if he ever did it again and that is the reason I have not confronted him the second and third time, because then I have to leave, dont I? Or can I confront him again and stay (my fear of cause that it makes every thing I say worthless). I am aware that reading this he does not sound like the nicest guy but I cannot deny the fact that he DOES make me happy every single day?

I would love to hear what others have to say about this. Is there anyone who have stayed in a relationship with continuous lying and cheating?Is there a time when it is not worth forgiving and trying to mend things any more?

Thank you so much for your help.

Longview01 · October 4, 2016

Sounds like you are the one with the problem here...honestly telling how he should pleasure himself...really?

You come across as having hangups about your previous relationship and abit controlling

Edmund Exley · October 4, 2016

Men watch porn. We do. We dont know why but we do. While I can see your concern, you are sort of making your current boyfriend suffer the sins of your past boyfriend. If your sex life is great, and you arent being neglected, why make a stink about what he does on his own time?

You are right, if this is such a deal breaker for you that you feel you can't trust him, you should end it and look for a man with a clean slate and hope not to discover again that men watch porn. Im sure some dont.

Longview01 · October 4, 2016

Men watch porn. We do. We dont know why but we do. While I can see your concern, you are sort of making your current boyfriend suffer the sins of your past boyfriend. If your sex life is great, and you arent being neglected, why make a stink about what he does on his own time?

You are right, if this is such a deal breaker for you that you feel you can't trust him, you should end it and look for a man with a clean slate and hope not to discover again that men watch porn. Im sure some dont.

Thats got to be someone out there that doesn't get turned on by sexual images?

Andrina · October 4, 2016

Google some articles on like this: Brain scans of porn addicts: what's wrong with this picture?

Norman Doidge----Scan images show that watching online 'adult' sites can alter our grey matter, which may lead to a change in sexual tastes.

The scientific studies are pretty scary. I read time after time from women on this site that the more their man watches porn, the less he wants to have sex with a real live woman.

I thought of the parallels with your ex and my ex, who I was only with for a year. He was also a workaholic and I did find 3 porn videos in his duffel bag when I was looking for a marker I'd given him, and then when I went out of the country, a porn video was ordered on my t.v. and he blamed it on my son-in-law. His sex drive was low and he ended up only wanting it about twice a month, if even that. Porn could've been the culprit, but I'm glad I'm no longer with him, regardless.

Only you can decide if it's a deal breaker for you or not. He's obviously not going to change. If you will only be happy if your bf changes, it means he's not the right person for you. Either accept it and don't bring it up again, or walk away.

It's a shame when you meet someone who ticks off all of the boxes except for one major one. I've been there and it's really frustrating.

UsedUsername · October 4, 2016

As I mentioned in my post, I am not in need of others opinion on porn. He said he understand and is fine with it but keeps lying. THAT is my problem. My post is about trust NOT porn. Thank you to those who understand and have constructive answers

UsedUsername · October 4, 2016

I cannot tell him what to do, but I can tell him what I think is ok in a relationship. And he can either agree or not, my problem is he does say he agree. If he does not, he should just say so and I can deside if i want to stay.

He does not think cheating is ok in a relationship, but would you say to him that it was his problem if I slept around? Looking at it the way you do he cannot tell me how i should please myself either.

Edmund Exley · October 4, 2016

As I mentioned in my post, I am not in need of others opinion on porn. He said he understand and is fine with it but keeps lying. THAT is my problem. My post is about trust NOT porn. Thank you to those who understand and have constructive answers

He lies because you are restricting something he wants to do. The porn is the root of the problem and you described in great detail why you are restricting him from it. Its tough being a grown man and being told by someone "You cant do this because someone else abused it". Obviously, you are free to not want a man that views porn, and your reason is understandable. But its also understandable that he may simply not agree with your restriction and is willing to hide around it.

Edmund Exley · October 4, 2016

I cannot tell him what to do, but I can tell him what I think is ok in a relationship. And he can either agree or not, my problem is he does say he agree. If he does not, he should just say so and I can deside if i want to stay.

He does not think cheating is ok in a relationship, but would you say to him that it was his problem if I slept around? Looking at it the way you do he cannot tell me how i should please myself either.

No, I would say that it was his problem if you slept around and he stayed with you.

UsedUsername · October 4, 2016

Sounds like you are the one with the problem here...honestly telling how he should pleasure himself...really?

You come across as having hangups about your previous relationship and abit controlling

I cannot tell him what to do, but I can tell him what I think is ok in a relationship. And he can either agree or not, my problem is he does say he agree. If he does not, he should just say so and I can deside if i want to stay.

He does not think cheating is ok in a relationship, but would you say to him that it was his problem if I slept around? Looking at it the way you do he cannot tell me how i should please myself either.

Hermes · October 4, 2016

"I would love to hear what others have to say about this"

and

I told him I would leave him if he ever did it again and that is the reason I have not confronted him the second and third time, because then I have to leave, dont I? "

"ever did it again". Watched porn again, or lied again?

."..then I have to leave, don't I?"

That is a question, OP. It will be up to you to decide to stay or leave.

UsedUsername · October 4, 2016

He lies because you are restricting something he wants to do. The porn is the root of the problem and you described in great detail why you are restricting him from it. Its tough being a grown man and being told by someone "You cant do this because someone else abused it". Obviously, you are free to not want a man that views porn, and your reason is understandable. But its also understandable that he may simply not agree with your restriction and is willing to hide around it.

But do you really think it is ok for him to say he wont and then do it anyway. Should he not just say he cannot live with feeling restricted? I would think that that was the grown thing to do, standing by your actions?

Edmund Exley · October 4, 2016

But do you really think it is ok for him to say he wont and then do it anyway. Should he not just say he cannot live with feeling restricted? I would think that that was the grown thing to do, standing by your actions?

No I dont think that its OK to give your word and lie. I dont think he should have to be in the position to have to feel like he needs to lie, either. But thats the choice he made. Now you decide if you are going to keep waiting to see if he lies about it again. Its a terrible way to live always worrying if someone is keeping their word. Its exhausting for both parties. You can accept he is going to keep his word and let it go, or you can continue checking browser histories waiting to catch him again. That sounds fun. Or you can say "Well, you messed up" and walk away.

UsedUsername · October 4, 2016

I can nothing else but respect a consistent argument. Thank you for your reply.

UsedUsername · October 4, 2016

No, I would say that it was his problem if you slept around and he stayed with you.

I can nothing else but respect a consistent argument. Thank you for your reply.

SkellyWoozle · October 4, 2016

But by the very fact you're saying to him "Stop looking at porn so much" is making him do it "undercover" and he's lying to you about it. So porn IS the problem - or your reaction to it. And whilst that's understandable, that's not HIS problem. Harsh as it may sound, if you can't cope with his lying, then you either have to be "OK" with it (or he will continue to lie/watch it behind your back) and appreciate all the amazing bits about him, or you have to say "Actually, I can't do with this" and leave. Have you considered talking to someone impartial as to how you feel about it? A counsellor, maybe?

ParisPaulette · October 4, 2016

I would normally say that porn isn't a problem, BUT in this case yeah it is. And I quote:

As my ex's addiction to porn grew (he was not addicted when we got together) i became less important to him, not only sexually but emotionally too. It came to the point where he would not talk to me when I visited him because he was afraid I would distract him from the work he had to do at home (he was a workoholic too) and instead of interacting with me when he needed a break, he went to the bathroom to watch porn on his cell.

OP, I'm sorry when they would rather jerk off in the bathroom than spend time with their girlfriend then it's time to go. It makes no sense he wouldn't talk to you, because you'd be "a distraction" but then would go use porn as a distraction in the bathroom while you were there.

The issue here isn't his porn use, it's that he is using porn as a substitute for normal human interaction. In fact at this point I'm not sure why you stay at all, because he sounds like he's about as interesting as watching paint dry. Do you do anything together? Does he even talk to you anymore or is it all him stuck on an to a computer all day? That's not normal.

Porn I get when partners aren't together and um, a little relief is needed. Porn when they're right there and it becomes the preferred activity over human interactions? Yeah, that's as bad as him sneaking off to the bathroom to drink or shoot up heroin, same difference really. He's self-medicating with something instead of facing and interacting with the world, I don't care what the addiction is, all addictions do serious damage.

OP all I can tell you to do is go, really. I don't consider porn cheating, I do consider his lying and using it constantly rather than human interaction with you is very, very concerning and a serious red flag. You have a relationship with an addict, one who isn't willing to either get help or change his addiction. So you have to ask yourself this - what exactly are YOU getting out of this relationship and if he were shooting up heroin instead of using porn would you still be with him?

In all of this, where exactly are you? Clinging to something long gone and not coming back? It's not about forgiveness, it's about whether or not you can live with an addict and manage to not devolve into codependency and enabling. And most of us who've been there and tried will tell you that's a fool's game.

If it were me, and all I can give you is my advice because you're the one who has to deal with it, I would tell him when he gets help for his addiction and can show me he is able to handle stressors and life in general in a normal, rational fashion then we might try again IF I hadn't moved on.

P.S. He probably did have that addiction before you, he just circumvented it until things with you were no longer new. Sorry, an addict is an addict is an addict.

nutbrownhare · October 4, 2016

The problem in your previous relationship wasn't the porn itself, but your boyfriend's addictive nature - evidenced by him being a workaholic, too. If it hadn't been porn, it would have been gambling, or drugs/alcohol. Addicts of any description are incapable of having meaningful, intimate relationships with anyone - it just goes with the territory. His disposition meant that you would have been emotionally bereft in that relationship, and ending it was the way to go for your own sanity.

Lack of meaningful contact doesn't seem to be an issue in your current relationship, which is great. HOWEVER, telling your boyfriend how he should pleasure himself, and feeling entitled to look on his computer to check, isn't healthy behaviour, and he probably lies to you in response to feeling intruded on and having his privacy invaded.

My advice to you is to leave his private thoughts and preferences to him, and concentrate on how he is with you. You have described your relationship as follows: "I am in a wonderful relationship with my boyfriend, neither of us thought that it was possible to find a person that gives you so much joy and personal stimulans every day." What's not to like?

If he does start to distance himself emotionally in the way your previous partner did, or cheating in real life (as opposed to fantasy) you know what to do. However, the porn, and his subsequent arousal, probably make a positive contribution to your sex life and I, personally, wouldn't have a problem with it.

However, you are the only one who can really determine your own values and priorities. You are the only one who can decide if the quality of the rest of your relationship makes the porn use worth it - or it may be that you find it so distressing that you have no choice but to leave. But this is a question that only you can answer. One thing you can be sure of is that people very rarely change their ways in the face of pressure from others.

UsedUsername · October 4, 2016

Google some articles on like this: Brain scans of porn addicts: what's wrong with this picture?
Norman Doidge----Scan images show that watching online 'adult' sites can alter our grey matter, which may lead to a change in sexual tastes.

The scientific studies are pretty scary. I read time after time from women on this site that the more their man watches porn, the less he wants to have sex with a real live woman.

I thought of the parallels with your ex and my ex, who I was only with for a year. He was also a workaholic and I did find 3 porn videos in his duffel bag when I was looking for a marker I'd given him, and then when I went out of the country, a porn video was ordered on my t.v. and he blamed it on my son-in-law. His sex drive was low and he ended up only wanting it about twice a month, if even that. Porn could've been the culprit, but I'm glad I'm no longer with him, regardless.

Only you can decide if it's a deal breaker for you or not. He's obviously not going to change. If you will only be happy if your bf changes, it means he's not the right person for you. Either accept it and don't bring it up again, or walk away.

It's a shame when you meet someone who ticks off all of the boxes except for one major one. I've been there and it's really frustrating.

Thank you so much for your reply! ,,If you will only be happy if your bf changes, it means he's not the right person for you. Either accept it and don't bring it up again, or walk away.'' It is as true as can be! And it is wonderful (and sad in this situation) to hear that I am not alone in my experiences. It is tough to fear gradually being set aside for something else, almost like fearing your husband will fall in love with his mistress.

And yes it is sad for me when he ticks almost every box, but it is also sad for him clearly feeling the same about me but his actions is his choice at the end of the day.

And sad to think that porn may be more important for him than his relationship with me (but according to most I can hear he cant help prioritizing porn, being a man and all).

And again thank you for your reply!

Hermes · October 4, 2016

"Indeed yes, Nutbrown.

But this is a question that only you can answer. One thing you can be sure of is that people very rarely change their ways in the face of pressure from others.

UsedUsername · October 4, 2016

I would normally say that porn isn't a problem, BUT in this case yeah it is. And I quote:

OP, I'm sorry when they would rather jerk off in the bathroom than spend time with their girlfriend then it's time to go. It makes no sense he wouldn't talk to you, because you'd be "a distraction" but then would go use porn as a distraction in the bathroom while you were there.

The issue here isn't his porn use, it's that he is using porn as a substitute for normal human interaction. In fact at this point I'm not sure why you stay at all, because he sounds like he's about as interesting as watching paint dry. Do you do anything together? Does he even talk to you anymore or is it all him stuck on an to a computer all day? That's not normal.

Porn I get when partners aren't together and um, a little relief is needed. Porn when they're right there and it becomes the preferred activity over human interactions? Yeah, that's as bad as him sneaking off to the bathroom to drink or shoot up heroin, same difference really. He's self-medicating with something instead of facing and interacting with the world, I don't care what the addiction is, all addictions do serious damage.

OP all I can tell you to do is go, really. I don't consider porn cheating, I do consider his lying and using it constantly rather than human interaction with you is very, very concerning and a serious red flag. You have a relationship with an addict, one who isn't willing to either get help or change his addiction. So you have to ask yourself this - what exactly are YOU getting out of this relationship and if he were shooting up heroin instead of using porn would you still be with him?

In all of this, where exactly are you? Clinging to something long gone and not coming back? It's not about forgiveness, it's about whether or not you can live with an addict and manage to not devolve into codependency and enabling. And most of us who've been there and tried will tell you that's a fool's game.

If it were me, and all I can give you is my advice because you're the one who has to deal with it, I would tell him when he gets help for his addiction and can show me he is able to handle stressors and life in general in a normal, rational fashion then we might try again IF I hadn't moved on.

P.S. He probably did have that addiction before you, he just circumvented it until things with you were no longer new. Sorry, an addict is an addict is an addict.

Thank you for your reply.

That part you quoted was about my ex and not my current boyfriend. I did not have a problem with my ex watching porn.. until it turned into an addiction, and i say it happen very clearly. Now with my current boyfriend I told him about my views on porn and that I would not be in a relationship where my partner watch porn because i would fear the same thing happening again.

I am pretty sure my ex was not addicted in the beginning but after a month in our relationship where I was ill and we could not have sex, he started watching it A LOT more and was not able to go back to where we were before.

Edmund Exley · October 4, 2016

I would normally say that porn isn't a problem, BUT in this case yeah it is. And I quote:

OP, I'm sorry when they would rather jerk off in the bathroom than spend time with their girlfriend then it's time to go. It makes no sense he wouldn't talk to you, because you'd be "a distraction" but then would go use porn as a distraction in the bathroom while you were there.

The issue here isn't his porn use, it's that he is using porn as a substitute for normal human interaction. In fact at this point I'm not sure why you stay at all, because he sounds like he's about as interesting as watching paint dry. Do you do anything together? Does he even talk to you anymore or is it all him stuck on an to a computer all day? That's not normal.

Porn I get when partners aren't together and um, a little relief is needed. Porn when they're right there and it becomes the preferred activity over human interactions? Yeah, that's as bad as him sneaking off to the bathroom to drink or shoot up heroin, same difference really. He's self-medicating with something instead of facing and interacting with the world, I don't care what the addiction is, all addictions do serious damage.

OP all I can tell you to do is go, really. I don't consider porn cheating, I do consider his lying and using it constantly rather than human interaction with you is very, very concerning and a serious red flag. You have a relationship with an addict, one who isn't willing to either get help or change his addiction. So you have to ask yourself this - what exactly are YOU getting out of this relationship and if he were shooting up heroin instead of using porn would you still be with him?

In all of this, where exactly are you? Clinging to something long gone and not coming back? It's not about forgiveness, it's about whether or not you can live with an addict and manage to not devolve into codependency and enabling. And most of us who've been there and tried will tell you that's a fool's game.

If it were me, and all I can give you is my advice because you're the one who has to deal with it, I would tell him when he gets help for his addiction and can show me he is able to handle stressors and life in general in a normal, rational fashion then we might try again IF I hadn't moved on.

P.S. He probably did have that addiction before you, he just circumvented it until things with you were no longer new. Sorry, an addict is an addict is an addict.

Yeah, but that was the last boyfriend.

UsedUsername · October 4, 2016

"I would love to hear what others have to say about this"

and

I told him I would leave him if he ever did it again and that is the reason I have not confronted him the second and third time, because then I have to leave, dont I? "

"ever did it again". Watched porn again, or lied again?

."..then I have to leave, don't I?"

That is a question, OP. It will be up to you to decide to stay or leave.

Thank you for your reply.

I meant watching porn. I do not really think that it is possible to be in a relationship for years without there being some lies involved, but one can always hope they will not be too big or devastating. But it would be a wonderful thing if it was!