Jack and jill

[Mary May]

My ex boyfriend and I have been broken up over 4 years now. He is actually married now, and I am in a long-term relationship that is going on four years! We had a pretty bad breakup and have not really talked since. I actually had texted him a LOT after we broke up because of lack of closure from our breakup. He ignored my messages. After a lot of reflection and personal work on myself, I got my own closure on the relationship. We live in the same town and I see him out and about and at mutual friends parties (infrequently). We never have said hello... I have felt nervous to say hello since he's ignored all my attempts at being friendly towards him since breaking up.

 

My boyfriend and I were invited and attended a jack and jill celebration for a friends wedding, and my ex was there with his wife. Him and his wife stayed on the opposite end of the room from us. They basically did not leave the corner since we arrived. I was definitely open to saying hello and being friendly with him and his wife, but unfortunately he did not feel the same. Apparently, he was actually angry and upset I attended this function. One of my good friends heard that my ex had said "why wont' she leave me alone"...meanwhile I did not even go and talk to him.....

 

I was hoping to get others opinions on this. It really makes me sad how he doesn't even want to be friendly with me. I'm not looking to be his friend, but to be in the same room and be amicable would be the mature thing to do I would think!!! We are almost 30 years old!!!

 

I know I cannot decipher someone elses feelings...but I am so confused why he would be so mad and upset that I attended this function. We broke up over 4 years ago and he actually broke up with ME. I am happy with my new man and would gladly have introduced him and would have loved to meet my ex's wife even. I don't hold harsh feelings and I don't understand why he does either....

 

Any opinions would be appreciated. We have more events coming up where there will be potential run-ins and I am stumped as to how to feel now knowing how upset he got that I went to something he was also at.

[Capricorn3]

I think it's more about things feeling very awkward and trying to avoid all that goes with it. He doesn't want to go there. Let it go.

[Wiseman2]

You are in a relationship and he is married. There is absolutely no reason to be friends and he has to respect his wife and not keep ex-gfs around just as you need to respect your bf and forget about him and ignore him.

 

Leave him alone and forget about him. Put all your energy into your new relationship, just as he is respectful to his wife by not engaging you.

One of my good friends heard that my ex had said "why wont' she leave me alone"...meanwhile I did not even go and talk to him.....It really makes me sad how he doesn't even want to be friendly with me.

[Mary May]

I think it's more about things feeling very awkward and trying to avoid all that goes with it. He doesn't want to go there. Let it go.

 

But after four years, and him being married, and me with someone else also... why would it be awkward? I have trouble understanding I guess because I am happy with my new person and would be proud to introduce him. I don't hate my ex, despite the fact that he really hurt me. It's more hurtful actually that he can't even be friendly to me. I don't understand it. it is like he hates me

[surfdiva]

This is his issue, not yours. Try not to let it bother you. It sounds like you're in a great relationship. Just enjoy your new relationship, and don't worry about running into your ex and his wife, just enjoy yourself as if they weren't there.

[j.man]

On top of what's been said already, I'd be curious to know if this friend was originally a friend of his.

 

You admit you had a bad breakup. You admit you didn't take it well afterwards. I haven't read your thread history, so I can't comment on the tone of your relationship, but it sounds like he has no interest in being cordial and would appreciate you keeping his wife out of your efforts.

 

It just is what it is.

[moodindigo91]

Oh, what a fu**ing drama queen your ex is! Give me a break, the guy is married and it's been years and he still thinks you are trying to stalk him or something? His ego must be trying to explode out of his body, and I can't even imagine what he's told his wife about you. He clearly can't leave the past behind and is an absolute drama queen and attention seeker, which I gather has something to do with why you broke up in the first place.

 

Don't waste your time wondering why he can't let go and allow things to be amicable with you. You can go to whatever damn party you want with your boyfriend, he has no right to complain or say anything so derogatory in regards to you anymore. At this point, he is literally the only one with a problem. So forget about him and enjoy your new life with your new man.

 

Edited to add: It doesn't matter whether this friend whose party you attended was his friend first or yours if they INVITED you to attend.

[HeartGoesOn]

I could be off base, but it sounds as if you're the one not letting go of the past.

[Ms Darcy]

Oh Mary, I think I remember this guy. I am going to go out on a limb and say he might think you are still hung up on him. Just keep your distance. Forever. That's all.

[Edmund Exley]

I could be off base, but it sounds as if you're the one not letting go of the past.

 

Ditto. The fact she cares enough to come here looking for an explanation kinda supports that.

[j.man]

Edited to add: It doesn't matter whether this friend whose party you attended was his friend first or yours if they INVITED you to attend.

It does matter if she's going to try to get chummy with someone who's got no interest in it and at a less-than-neutral venue at that. The guy didn't want any part of it last year when the OP came back with a thread upset that he didn't want anything to do with her at the grocery store and it turns out he still doesn't.

 

The thing is Jack-and-Jills aren't some intimate event that a select few people are getting hand-written invitations to. They and GoFundMe are pretty much the socially acceptable ways to pandhandle. Generally speaking, the couple couldn't care less who attends so long as they buy a ticket. So yeah, IF the friend was, for all intents and purposes, his friend (which I'll admit is assumptive and why I ask), I'd say he'd be within his rights to be annoyed, especially considering the OP's history of being frustrated he doesn't want to engage with her. Maybe if he'd walked over to her and splashed his cocktail in her face and made a scene asking her why she couldn't just leave it be, I'd be more in your camp. It seems he just made a simple off-handed comment to a friend.

 

Personally, there are all of maybe two people in the world whom I will never have a single word to say to again, neither of which happen to be exes of mine. It's, as you put it, drama, and drama I don't need or care for. You wouldn't catch me feeling the need to gripe in this situation. That said, I do understand there are exes who likely would never want to see my face again. I'm not going to plan my commute specially just to avoid them, but I'd at the very least not go to gatherings and stare them down from my table because I just wish they'd say hi to me.

[melancholy123]

What Brienoch said.

[Mary May]

It does matter if she's going to try to get chummy with someone who's got no interest in it and at a less-than-neutral venue at that. The guy didn't want any part of it last year when the OP came back with a thread upset that he didn't want anything to do with her at the grocery store and it turns out he still doesn't.

 

The thing is Jack-and-Jills aren't some intimate event that a select few people are getting hand-written invitations to. They and GoFundMe are pretty much the socially acceptable ways to pandhandle. Generally speaking, the couple couldn't care less who attends so long as they buy a ticket. So yeah, IF the friend was, for all intents and purposes, his friend (which I'll admit is assumptive and why I ask), I'd say he'd be within his rights to be annoyed, especially considering the OP's history of being frustrated he doesn't want to engage with her. Maybe if he'd walked over to her and splashed his cocktail in her face and made a scene asking her why she couldn't just leave it be, I'd be more in your camp. It seems he just made a simple off-handed comment to a friend.

 

Personally, there are all of maybe two people in the world whom I will never have a single word to say to again, neither of which happen to be exes of mine. It's, as you put it, drama, and drama I don't need or care for. You wouldn't catch me feeling the need to gripe in this situation. That said, I do understand there are exes who likely would never want to see my face again. I'm not going to plan my commute specially just to avoid them, but I'd at the very least not go to gatherings and stare them down from my table because I just wish they'd say hi to me.

 

I think u have the wrong impression of how this gathering went! The couple getting married actually are our friends and we donated to this fundraising event. I most definitely did not stare my ex down...I socialised with my friends and stayed with my boyfriend the duration of the night. I didn't so much as hardly glance my exes way. This is why it is the most confusing because I didn't even look at him let alone say hello to him! I didn't realize my presence in the same room would cause so much stress. I felt going to the event would be fun and also a good way to maybe say hello in a social neutral environment if we by chance passed by. Which we didn't....which is fine!!! But to hear he said something mean about me not "leaving him alone" hurts a bit considering we didn't even say hi or pass by one another. It was as if we didnt even know each other .

[boltnrun]

So, I'm just going to ask...

 

Do you still have feelings for him?

 

You don't have to answer on here, but I think it's a valid question.

 

Does your current boyfriend know how upset you are that your ex didn't say hi? If he does, what is his opinion?

[Mary May]

So, I'm just going to ask...

 

Do you still have feelings for him?

 

You don't have to answer on here, but I think it's a valid question.

 

Does your current boyfriend know how upset you are that your ex didn't say hi? If he does, what is his opinion?

 

No I 100% do not have feelings. I was NOT upset he didn't say hi. That is not what this post is about . I had a great time at this event and could have cared less we didnt say hello or cross paths!!! My post is about his comment after the event which I heard through a friend, which is "why won't she leave me alone". I was hurt my this comment CONSIDERING we didn't talk and I didn't say hi to him. I guess I just feel offended that he would say that. I had a great time at the event and am happy to have gone. I think going showed my maturity and how over things I actually am. That's what I THOUGHT anyway!!! Apparently to him (despite us not even talking and me hardly looking his way) made me seem stalkerish. 😕 if I followed him around and sat at his table and tried to talk to him I would understand his comment...but based on how things actually happened I don't see any grounds for such a comment

[SkellyWoozle]

Sorry but I tend to agree with everyone else. Get over it. It's been four years. Respect his wishes and stop getting so hung up on something so ridiculous and that which you have zilchio control over. He has no feelings towards you, your life, your presence, anything - full stop. What does it blimmin' matter anyway? It's not like you're going to be best buddies or anything.....

[Mary May]

Sorry but I tend to agree with everyone else. Get over it. It's been four years. Respect his wishes and stop getting so hung up on something so ridiculous and that which you have zilchio control over. He has no feelings towards you, your life, your presence, anything - full stop. What does it blimmin' matter anyway? It's not like you're going to be best buddies or anything.....

 

No and I don't want to be best buddies. I feel I'm being misunderstood in my post here!!! I went to this event because I was invited and I had a great time!! I didn't CARE he didn't say HI, I didn't say hi to him either!! Not on purpose just simply because we didn't cross paths. I had fun and it didn't bother me he was there!! What bothered me, and what this post is about, is him saying afterwards how I "won't leave him alone" . we have not seen each other or talked in years and we didn't talk that night either. I just find his comment rude and I don't even think it makes sense considering we didn't /have had contact . I really could care less we didn't talk!! I just hate that it's awkward for HIM, and so much so that he makes unnecessary comments such as that. We have other mutual friends wedding events coming up and it's disappointing and awkward for me to hear he said this. I was myself at the jack and Jill and didn't give 2 blinks his way...and that's what I will do for future events too. I'm no6 intentionally ignoring him, but I'm also not making a point to say hi because i know that's what he wants. I don't really care about that anyway....I care he is saying I won't leave him alone when I don't know what I else I could have done to keep my distance! Except not go...but I don't think it's right for me to miss out on things because HE has a problem. If he has a problem he can miss out. Or he can be mature and approach me about it And we can communicate like adults

[j.man]

You're being misunderstood because to understand you wouldn't make sense. I'm not sure how you don't so much as "give two blinks his way," yet you're observant enough to note that he stayed in his corner all night and that your respective actions and attitudes suggested a discrepancy between you being willing to say hi and him not. Your post simply doesn't indicate that you looked over once and noted his presence and that was that. I'd ask yourself if, even through subconscious actions, the reason it's awkward for him is you make it awkward?

 

I mean take your thread last year where you were upset he didn't acknowledge you in the grocery store, where you proceeded to pretend to look at items on the shelf and then he ended up exiting through the entrance because you were watching him leave while you stood at the exit. It's some mildly off-putting stuff. Not enough to go off on you or cause a scene, but I can understand him having a lingering "ugh" feeling.

 

And even if there's absolutely no reason for him to feel annoyed, he wouldn't be the first person to make unsolicited off-handed comments about an ex. It's difficult to understand why this bothers you so much if the reason isn't that you're not over him.

[moodindigo91]

Nah, I disagree here. I think she has a perfectly reasonable reason to be upset when someone says such an off-base and pretty derogatory remark against you, leading others to believe that she has some leftover feelings for the guy (even if she does, still no reason to publicly announce it in a room full of people that she also happens to be in) or that she's some crazy ex whose stalking him even though he's married. She's stated clearly she has no feelings for him, but that she felt disrespected. I think he's the one who can't let go, he's the one being childish (those words literally didn't have to leave his mouth, it could have been enough for him to think them and leave it at that, but he decided to let the room know that he thinks she's crazy for no reason). All she did was simply attend an event that she was invited to. So, I don't think it was necessary to be so childish whether she is upset about it or not is a separate issue altogether.

 

Now to address that separate issue of you being upset about it OP, you need to realize that you are coming off as still having feelings for him in this regard. You are in a new relationship, you shouldn't care this much if things are awkward between you to your ex. He's your ex for a reason. Things didn't end well, so things are supposed to be awkward between you. He's married, you're in a new committed relationship, move on. I do think that his reaction was a poor one, but there's nothing you can do about it. He is who he is and I doubt he will stop thinking that you're some crazy person whose stalking him, so accept it and ignore it. That's about all you can do.

[Mary May]

You're being misunderstood because to understand you wouldn't make sense. I'm not sure how you don't so much as "give two blinks his way," yet you're observant enough to note that he stayed in his corner all night and that your respective actions and attitudes suggested a discrepancy between you being willing to say hi and him not. Your post simply doesn't indicate that you looked over once and noted his presence and that was that. I'd ask yourself if, even through subconscious actions, the reason it's awkward for him is you make it awkward?

 

I mean take your thread last year where you were upset he didn't acknowledge you in the grocery store, where you proceeded to pretend to look at items on the shelf and then he ended up exiting through the entrance because you were watching him leave while you stood at the exit. It's some mildly off-putting stuff. Not enough to go off on you or cause a scene, but I can understand him having a lingering "ugh" feeling.

 

And even if there's absolutely no reason for him to feel annoyed, he wouldn't be the first person to make unsolicited off-handed comments about an ex. It's difficult to understand why this bothers you so much if the reason isn't that you're not over him.

 

I was doing my shopping and simply got into the lineup, as a normal person does when finished shopping.... I wasn't staring him down by ANY means. I saw him, as I would see anyone I know/recognize...and i just got into line and happened to see him walk out of the store through the entrance as opposed to through the exit which was closest to me. I saw this because at this particular store the entrance and exit are nearby one another and right in front of the check out line. So standing in the check out line, anyone would be able to see who enters/exits the store. I feel like you're making it sound as if I was staring him down, which i most definitely was not. Also this was something that happened a YEAR ago!!! I pretended to look at items on the shelf BECAUSE i didn't want to be like "Hi!!" and potentially make him uncomfortable. If he saw me and wanted to say hi, he would have. He didnt...which is why i did not approach him even at this jack and jill event. By saying "I didn't give two blinks", i simply mean the room was a big square room and full of many people, and I didn't stare at him or even in his direction. When we first arrived i saw him and his wife on the one side of the room, and it was clear they stayed there the duration of the event. I know this because I was moving around the room with my boyfriend..we walked to the prize area, to the bar, to the food...and while walking around you take note of who is around you!!! That is human nature I think to be aware of your surroundings. And him and his wife stayed on that side. I definitely would have said hello had we crossed paths/made eye contact...but he's making it more than clear that isn't what he wants. That is all fine and dandy. It's his comment AFTER the fact how he says i won't leave him alone that bothers me!!!!!!! NEVER have i ever gone up and said hi to him..never have i met his wife...never have i called him....so I don't understand how I am "not leaving him alone". This is what my point is!!!!!!! I think WHY this bothers me so much is because I know i would never be so cold to someone i once cared about. I think that is why it bothers me so much...also the fact that he feels like I am following him around which is totally not the case. I am going to have to see his wife at future bridal showers and bachelorettes and it BOTHERS me how he has probably planted it in her mind I am some crazy ex girlfriend. I dont appreciate that. I don't want to feel awkward being around her...I want to treat her as a new person that I am meeting for the first time and that's it. That is what i will do..it's just unfortunate I feel i may get some anxiety about her feelings towards me.

[boltnrun]

What does your boyfriend think of all this?

[Wiseman2]

It's over. There is nothing to hash out. Stop the battle in your mind about this, it's not worth it.

Or he can be mature and approach me about it And we can communicate like adults

[Mary May]

What does your boyfriend think of all this?

 

He thinks my ex has some sort of psychological problem. That was what he said. Because to get angry/upset to see an ex in the same room as you after four years and after being married, my current boyfriend thinks there must be something wrong with him. I think my ex never really let himself FEEL his feelings..he was always kind of emotionless and maybe he just never came to peace with things because he pushed away his feelings. I really don't know. I know i will never know!!!

[nutbrownhare]

If you had a bad breakup, and then followed it up with a lot of text messages, it can get a bit freaky for the person on the receiving end of the messages. It can feel like stalking, even though that wasn't your intention. It's likely to make him very wary of you.

 

In your situation, the adult thing to do is respect his wishes and have nothing to do with him.

[boltnrun]

If you had a bad breakup, and then followed it up with a lot of text messages, it can get a bit freaky for the person on the receiving end of the messages. It can feel like stalking, even though that wasn't your intention. It's likely to make him very wary of you.

 

In your situation, the adult thing to do is respect his wishes and have nothing to do with him.

 

I agree.

 

I have an ex who electronically stalked me so badly that I had to block him and tell family members.

 

If I saw him today I'd run in the opposite direction. Literally run.

 

But as far as exes, whether or not they're civil to me has no bearing on my life. I seriously could not care less.

 

If one of them said something nasty about me I would think it was stupid. But I wouldn't be upset. I'd think "Well, he's stupid" and go on with my day.

 

I am close to a few family members of another ex. He sometimes says nasty stuff about me. In fact, I overheard him talking to his niece on the phone, saying "she sucks!" about me because I didn't ask to see him when I was in his area. We just laughed. They tell me he sometimes tries to convince them to stop being friends with me (because I won't see him) and again, they just laugh. So do I. I sure don't get upset! But that's because I honestly don't care.