Felt so rejected by people I considered friends and family

[LKDag]

My parents got divorced when I was really young, and my mom got remarried when I was like 7. My dad was not a completely screwed-up drug addict and alcoholic, but it caused him to never really have a completely stable situation, so he dropped in and out of my life for periods of time, so as a result, my stepdad raised me and he was in effect more of a father than my actual father. He gave me the birds-and-the-bees talk, he taught me how to drive, he taught me how to fix stuff, all that stuff.

 

A few years ago, him and my mom got divorced. I was open to the idea of my still keeping him in my life, since he more or less was my second dad. At some point, I was being nosy and read my mom's court paperwork. There was paperwork from the civil court hearing and some church annulment hearings saying, in effect, that he was seeking a divorce on irreconcilable grounds and annulment because he alleged she tricked him into getting into major debut to raise her kids, and that the marriage wasn't valid since she couldn't give him real children (they tried a few times but she kept having complications). I was obviously very personally hurt, but I never said anything to him. Not that long after, we had a fight about something unrelated and that basically led to me cutting off contact with him for a few years.

 

Earlier this year, I read a story in the news that someone in the company he works in shot and killed themselves in the office. Something like suicide never really seemed like his style, but that combined with the periodic feelings I would have of wanting to contact him again led me to text him just to make sure he was alright. He was, and we started talking, and for about six months now we've seen each other every week or so, to grab dinner, or hang out, do stuff with friends, and whatever.

 

He moved on with his life, as is his right, and he got engaged about a year back. Their wedding was today, I was invited and I went. I found that situation a little awkward, but he is entitled to move on and my rational mind has no problems with that. The reception after really got me depressed, which is why I feel the need to type this and vent here. There was about an hour/hour and a half between when the church reception ended and when the party at the hall began. During that period, I felt so out of place and lonely and unwelcome. My stepdad and the wedding party- composed of his closest friends, who were most receptive and friendly and happy with me when I got back into the fold- weren't there, so I was just kind of sitting around by myself in the lounge room with other guests. I got so many "avoiding eye-contact on purpose" and nonchalant, frosty hellos that I went outside to sit in my car, and after working myself up a bit, left. The only people that really interacted with me were the hostesses, and that made me feel like an even bigger loser (LOL). And now I feel even stupider because I know eventually he'll ask me what happened, where I was, etc., and I'll have to explain all of this.

 

I feel less upset about it now, a few hours and a bunch of texts with a good friend later, but why do people need to be mean?

[gebaird]

My guess is that people don't really understand your relationship with him. Not every relationship can be put in a neat little box like mom or dad or brother or sister. "Step-daughter of my ex-wife" might raise some eyebrows. Divorces don't just happen between people -- they happen between entire families, which I think is awful. I love it when people are courageous enough to embrace former relatives after a divorce.

 

I think it was very brave of you to forgive your step-dad and to go to his wedding. If people were judging you, let them. It doesn't matter what they think. What matters is that you want your step-dad in your life and he wants to be in yours.

[ParisPaulette]

All this really tells me is that your stepdad and his immediate circle of friends - and you - have the bigger hearts and are able to transcend the barriers of what "family" means. The other parties there all freaked out and didn't know what to make of you most likely. And while it may have seemed like everyone there was giving you the stink eye it was probably only a couple of people who were and everyone else was just kind of not knowing who you were.

 

Don't let them get you down. Family isn't defined by blood, it's defined by heart. You were there for your stepdad and that's a very cool thing. If he calls just say you were tired and congratulate him again and leave it at that. He is the one who invited you, so to him you were important enough for him to want to share a big occasion in his life. And that's huge.

 

Just remind yourself of that. There will always be narrow-minded people who want to judge and those people are no one special in the grand scheme of things, just the people who love you and have your back. And it sounds like you and your stepdad have that, so that's all that really matters.

[Lisii]

All this really tells me is that your stepdad and his immediate circle of friends - and you - have the bigger hearts and are able to transcend the barriers of what "family" means. The other parties there all freaked out and didn't know what to make of you most likely. And while it may have seemed like everyone there was giving you the stink eye it was probably only a couple of people who were and everyone else was just kind of not knowing who you were.

 

Don't let them get you down. Family isn't defined by blood, it's defined by heart. You were there for your stepdad and that's a very cool thing. If he calls just say you were tired and congratulate him again and leave it at that. He is the one who invited you, so to him you were important enough for him to want to share a big occasion in his life. And that's huge.

 

Just remind yourself of that. There will always be narrow-minded people who want to judge and those people are no one special in the grand scheme of things, just the people who love you and have your back. And it sounds like you and your stepdad have that, so that's all that really matters.

 

Beautifully put.. I agree with this whole heartedly.

[LKDag]

Thanks for the advice and everything. I just needed to vent at the time.

[RainyCoast]

During that period, I felt so out of place and lonely and unwelcome. My stepdad and the wedding party- composed of his closest friends, who were most receptive and friendly and happy with me when I got back into the fold- weren't there, so I was just kind of sitting around by myself in the lounge room with other guests. I got so many "avoiding eye-contact on purpose" and nonchalant, frosty hellos that I went outside to sit in my car, and after working myself up a bit, left. The only people that really interacted with me were the hostesses, and that made me feel like an even bigger loser (LOL). And now I feel even stupider because I know eventually he'll ask me what happened, where I was, etc., and I'll have to explain all of this.

 

you felt the outsider. unwanted odd guy out. - ACTIVATING EVENT/TRIGGER: WEDDING

 

same as you did when you read what suggested you were a financial trojan horse type of obligation to him rather than his child. - UNDERLYING BELIEF: I'M NOT WANTED. I'M A RESPONSIBILITY, WHILE HIS TRUE AFFECTIONS LIE WITH FAMILY WHO WERE PICKED OVER ME (BETTER THAN ME?).

 

 

is this belief realistic? growing up with him, did you feel like a burden? the description f your relationship sounds like there was an emotional investment on both sides. he wasn't stuck with you. he liked raising you? was that the feeling before you read the documents?

 

 

things happen when a couple is in conflict. children are put in the middle, used as chess figures to check mate the former parner, now enemy. the intent was for you to never find out he used you as an argument against mum. to not cause you practical or emotional harm. you don't mention either of them communicating about the other in ways that was meant to egg you aginst the other?

 

guy just needed a weapon to fight mum. kids are the cliche weapon of choice. the couple may rationalize their behavior by the fact that they never caused you practical harm, both continued to be emotionally and practically available to you etc and keep it civil in front of you.

 

 

there is a new family that he now emotionally connects to and that creates an uncomfortable position for you-- as long as you ascribe the situation to a lack of his true affection for you. he probably felt odd after the divorce too, wondering what mum has told you, wondering whether he'll have disappointed you/failed you so much that you'd changed your mind about the depth of the relationship with him, wondering whether maybe he was a screw-up whom you're better off without, or maybe he was preoccupied trying to find a group that offers him a placement asap so that he wouldn't have to deal emotionally with having lost a family. being without a family can easily translate into not being worthy of a family, and that makes some people internalize the behavior of others (like you did at the wedding), and propells other people to try to overcompensate for the "guy unworthy of family life" complex by striving to form a new one or burying themselves in work to validate themselves in another area while avoiding confrontation with those whom they've "failed" and the area of life where they feel they consistently fail.

 

i have the same reaction to perceived abandonement as you- i cut them off. i probably would've felt the same at the wedding thing.

 

i'd let it sit for now, if he asks, you can always simply say you felt out of place and you weren't emotionally done with being replaced as you had thought, but that you fully understand that it's okay for him to have established a family. if the conversation is dreadful to you, you could always say you wish him the best but that it's too much for you emotionally to keep in touch at this time.

 

i understad the anxiety about the probably awkward conversation if he calls asking what happened ( kind of think he gets how you would've felt and how to interpret the gsture though, don't you think?) , but i fear that you'd be more distressed if he never called to ask you why you left. like a third confirmation of being the invisible unimportant one.

[RainyCoast]

If people were judging you, let them. It doesn't matter what they think.

i agree of course, although i suspect if there were truly odd looks (rather than just the feeling of everyone staring at you when you feel awkward) , i think it more likely the unspoken message was "oh look, the child of THAT EX WIFE. him and the ex had.....list gossips people made up or the ex couple spread, or that developed from people extrapolating with vivid imagination on the little factual info they had of the relationship and the divorce...."

 

you hear ex rumours quite often. bad child rumours, not so much. people also like to villanize other people as parents to project the insecurities they have about parenting, or resentments towards their own parents. not many people project a bad child complex, it's instinctive to go "poor kid".