I Need Urgent Help With This, Please!!!

[lifesatrip]

Sorry this is long, just want to explain the whole thing.

 

I've been dating a guy for about 3 weeks. The first two weeks we hung out as "friends" but it felt flirty and date-like. The 2nd week we hung out every day, even if just for an hour. I was attracted to him, but unsure of my feelings and wanted to kiss him and fool around a little to test the waters. A week ago we got extremely drunk and had sex, and then had sex again the next day sober. My feelings were ambivalent. I felt overwhelmed after leaving his place and did not want to continue a sexual relationship. But with a little space away from him I felt differently and wanted to try hanging out with him again. I did not want to jump into sex again, but I wanted to explore a romantic connection. He invited me to do a couple things, but I was not able to do them.

 

So the next time I saw him (a day later) I saw him at his house again. He pretty much jumped on me physically as soon as I walked in the door. I was reluctant to have sex and told him so, but I got caught up in the moment and we had sex again. It was better, but I walked away from the situation feeling really weird and uncomfortable about it. I got the impression that he was just using me for sex since his demeanor changed a lot and he didn't seem interested in talking, he just wanted to get right to it

 

I didn't see him for a couple days (I needed space and he was luckily pretty busy). I was trying to decide if I should end it or if I should talk to him and see if he was interested in exploring things further but with the sexual element way tuned down. I decided I should end things because I didn't believe he wanted anything serious and I felt disrespected and I felt ambivalent in terms of my feelings toward him.

 

I sent him a message on facebook explaining myself briefly, because I thought it would be too dramatic to talk in person and there is a language barrier, so I thought talking on the phone would be very unclear.

 

He sent a very lovely text back implying he wasn't just after sex, he respected my decision, but if I wanted to talk about things he would like to talk. He also said he wished I'd talked to him first before making a decision. I had been feeling all over the place about the decision and his response got to me. I suddenly thought i'd perhaps been too hasty. So I replied and said I would like to talk with him about it.

 

He was going to be working all day, but said he would be free at night. However, he then called me to invite me to the work event (a tasting at a new restaurant) saying we could talk afterwards. I was caught off guard and said yes. I regretted it and considered cancelling but did not want to be flaky. So I went but showed up really late. When I saw him we kissed and he was very touchy feely. After the event he was hungry. I wasn't, but followed him to a restaurant to talk. Unfortunately there was not a soul in there except the owner who was sitting at a table next to us, and I could not bring myself to talk about things in close earshot of the owner. We hold hands over the table the whole time. I knew I shouldn't, but had terrible willpower. (Was quite attracted to him).

 

He suggested we go back to one of our apartment's to talk. I stupidly agreed, though I should have suggested we get coffee or something. (At this point it was late and very cold). We got to his apartment and he asked me what I wanted to say and gave me his point of view, all while trying to kiss and cuddle. I tried to explain myself. I said I was uncomfortable being so intimate with someone I didn't know well. I explained that I also was unsure of my feelings for him - that something didn't feel right and i wasn't sure if it was our personalities, the language barrier, or my misconceptions of his intentions, but that with reflection I was beginning to think our personalities were not a good match. He listened and added his feedback. He basically said we should spend more time together and get to know each other better and do more stuff, etc. I said I didn't think it was a good idea. But he was touching me and I was having terrible willpower. Everytime I would pull away he would pull me back, and it was so enticing.

 

So we had sex again. It was more passionate and he acted more emotionally present and caring. It started to feel more relationship-like. He started acting as if he was extremely into me. Afterwards he told me to come by and visit him at work (he is opening a restaurant in 2 days, so he is working constantly). I said yes because in the moment I did not know how to say no.

 

Although I very much enjoyed being with him, it is now very clear to me that we are not a match. I do not want to continue to date, though I will be sad to end it. On some level it just grates against me the wrong way. I feel we do not have enough of an emotional connection. I was wondering if we could develop one, but spending more time with him has given me a very strong gut feeling that it is not the right connection and never will be. At this point the thought of continuing makes me feel trapped and suffocated.

 

But he is opening his restaurant (with a partner) the day after tomorrow. He is working constantly. He has invited me to come and told me to bring all my friends. I feel like I need to break up with him today because otherwise I will be continuing to lead him on. He has made it clear that he wants to see each other every day. I did not make it clear that I don't. So that is what he is expecting.

 

What do I do??? The big day is Saturday. Do I make excuses and wait to break up with him until after this day? (And make an excuse not to go?) Or do I call him up this evening and ask if I can talk to him in person when he finishes work tonight, which will likely be quite late at night? Please help!!! I feel horrible and want to minimize any damage. I know he is also emotionally vulnerable - he broke up with a long term girlfriend over a year ago, but it was something that affected him profoundly.

 

Please help advise me when to break up with him. Thank you.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like everything turns into a hookup. That's fine because it's mutual, even though you have afterthoughts later.

 

It doesn't sound like anyone is leading anyone on, it sounds like there's a lot of passion/attraction and the getting to know you element is a bit slower.

 

If it doesn't feel right simply tell him so and stop seeing him. Are you concerned that he will be too irresistible in person again and it will end in sex again?

I felt overwhelmed after leaving his place and did not want to continue a sexual relationship. I got caught up in the moment and we had sex again. it was so enticing.So we had sex again. It was more passionate and he acted more emotionally present and caring. At this point the thought of continuing makes me feel trapped and suffocated

...same guy?

[HeartGoesOn]

I tried to explain myself. I said I was uncomfortable being so intimate with someone I didn't know well.

 

I'm sorry, but the above words mean nothing without actions to back them up. In other words, once the horse is out, it's too late to lock the gate.

 

Other than that, there doesn't seem to be a need to break up with him, since there was no indication of a relationship, (imo).

[SkellyWoozle]

Call me old fashioned but you're playing a dangerous game. After only two weeks you had sex together, drunk. Neither of you knowing much about the other - if you ask me you're bloody lucky you're alright. Whilst I'm all for women taking control of their sexuality, putting yourself in such a ridiculous position is crazy beyond belief. From what you've said he's keen to have sex with you and thus far that's what he's got. For your own safety and self preservation you need to step away from this person and leave. I can't help thinking that if you go to his restaurant opening party he's going to expect more than "just friends".

[lifesatrip]

Unfortunately it sounds like everything turns into a hookup. That's fine because it's mutual, even though you have afterthoughts later.

 

It doesn't sound like anyone is leading anyone on, it sounds like there's a lot of passion/attraction and the getting to know you element is a bit slower.

 

If it doesn't feel right simply tell him so and stop seeing him. Are you concerned that he will be too irresistible in person again and it will end in sex again?...same guy?

 

No, it is not the same guy. This guy is not a creep like that at all. No, I'm not concerned about that. I know I will have the willpower to end it this time. I'm concerned about the timing. He is opening a restaurant in two days. He wants to spend time together every day (including today), and I agreed to go to the opening day of his restaurant. But if I see him there will be no way to avoid the touchy feeling pda type stuff without seeming very cold and making him feel something is wrong. So I feel like I should just break up with him now and not let it go further. But I feel like it is very bad timing considering he is scrambling to get the restaurant together.

 

It's only been 3 weeks, but he is acting overly interested (at least it feels that way to me). He is from a different culture and sometimes guys in this culture get feelings rather fast. I could be making assumptions, but I don't know if I am.

[lifesatrip]

I'm sorry, but the above words mean nothing without actions to back them up. In other words, once the horse is out, it's too late to lock the gate.

 

Other than that, there doesn't seem to be a need to break up with him, since there was no indication of a relationship, (imo).

 

Thanks for your response. Yes you are right about needing to back my words up with action. This is why I feel bad and like I am leading him on.

 

There is no formal relationship, but there is a need to tell him face to face (I think) that I don't want to continue considering the dynamics of how things have progressed. I feel like I should do this today, but feel torn because he is in the process of opening a restaurant. If I wait to tell him I will be expected to be lovey dovey with him during the next couple of days. If I tell him right away I feel like that is just really bad timing. Maybe I'm blowing this up in my mind, but he seems like a sensitive guy. I hope I'm just blowing it up.

[lifesatrip]

Call me old fashioned but you're playing a dangerous game. After only two weeks you had sex together, drunk. Neither of you knowing much about the other - if you ask me you're bloody lucky you're alright. Whilst I'm all for women taking control of their sexuality, putting yourself in such a ridiculous position is crazy beyond belief. From what you've said he's keen to have sex with you and thus far that's what he's got. For your own safety and self preservation you need to step away from this person and leave. I can't help thinking that if you go to his restaurant opening party he's going to expect more than "just friends".

 

Yes I know he's expecting to be more than just friends. I feel like I am safe with him, I don't think he is an or anything. My question is should I break up with him today before the restaurant opening on Saturday?

[janut1]

I don't understand this. You don't want to be intimate with someone you hardly know, but you keep having sex with him, even while telling him you don't want it? You really need stand by your decision. There has to be some attraction for you to keep having sex with him. Whats the problem again?

 

Just end it then. If you aren't feeling it even though you are acting like you do, walk away and never look back. I wouldn't go to his restaurant opening either, just a waste of time.

[Wiseman2]

Try to relax and do what's best for you. He's busy with his restaurant, so he'll do fine. Keep in mind he picked you up randomly on the street just a 3 wks ago, so he'll recover very quickly. Make sure you won't miss him, though.

Yes, it's the same guy.It's only been 3 weeks, but he is acting overly interested

[lifesatrip]

Wiseman2: No it's not the same guy I met on the street. (I thought you were referencing a different post-I blocked that guy out of my life). This guy seems thoughtful and sensitive and we hung out a lot before anything happened between us. (Only for two weeks of course though). I think he is interested in more than just sex.

[lifesatrip]

I don't understand this. You don't want to be intimate with someone you hardly know, but you keep having sex with him, even while telling him you don't want it? You really need stand by your decision. There has to be some attraction for you to keep having sex with him. Whats the problem again?

 

Just end it then. If you aren't feeling it even though you are acting like you do, walk away and never look back. I wouldn't go to his restaurant opening either, just a waste of time.

 

Thanks for your opinion. Yes, I want to just end it. That seems to be the consensus so far and it feels the most right to me as well.

 

The problem is that while there is attraction on many levels, on some levels there is not attraction. And the more I spend time with him, the more I realize that there will never be attraction on those other levels.

[Wiseman2]

If you are uncomfortable around him, just say so. It seems you're confused about ending it because the sex is good not when to end it.

 

The first place to make a decision is to be honest with yourself such as eliminating all the "I didn't want sex...then we had sex again" stuff and now "I don't want a relationship but i can't find a time to end it" stuff.

This guy seems thoughtful and sensitive and we hung out a lot before anything happened between us. (Only for two weeks of course though). I think he is interested in more than just sex.

[Jibralta]

Ughh! I feel bad about the opening. Is there any way you can go, bring friends, and then leave before the end so that you don't have to hang out? Maybe introduce him to one of your attractive single girlfriends, and then do a slow fade?

 

This is probably terrible advice.

[boltnrun]

Ughh! I feel bad about the opening. Is there any way you can go, bring friends, and then leave before the end so that you don't have to hang out? Maybe introduce him to one of your attractive single girlfriends, and then do a slow fade?

 

This is probably terrible advice.

 

I agree, this is not the greatest advice.

 

If someone strung me along, continued having sex with me, then did a "slow fade" while trying to shove me off on one of their friends, I'd wonder why they couldn't just be HONEST with me.

 

Although I admit, I'm puzzled. Are ALL of your dates "home" dates? Sounds like all you two do is go to his place and have sex, which in my book doesn't count as a date. Was that one time with the work event the only time you actually went out on a date?

[Jibralta]

If someone strung me along, continued having sex with me, then did a "slow fade" while trying to shove me off on one of their friends, I'd wonder why they couldn't just be HONEST with me.

 

I know. I think I'm just having vicarious guilt because his restaurant is opening and I would want him to enjoy the night rather than ruminate over her whereabouts. Let him suffer later. That's what I would do. I am a terrible person

[lifesatrip]

I agree, this is not the greatest advice.

 

If someone strung me along, continued having sex with me, then did a "slow fade" while trying to shove me off on one of their friends, I'd wonder why they couldn't just be HONEST with me.

 

Although I admit, I'm puzzled. Are ALL of your dates "home" dates? Sounds like all you two do is go to his place and have sex, which in my book doesn't count as a date. Was that one time with the work event the only time you actually went out on a date?

 

No, most of the dates were not at his house. Have gone out to restaurants, his friend's kid's party, gone running, etc. That's why I feel bad about it. If we had only had sex it would not feel like a big deal.

[lifesatrip]

I know. I think I'm just having vicarious guilt because his restaurant is opening and I would want him to enjoy the night rather than ruminate over her whereabouts. Let him suffer later. That's what I would do. I am a terrible person

 

Yes, this is what I'm worried about/feel really bad about

[lifesatrip]

If you are uncomfortable around him, just say so. It seems you're confused about ending it because the sex is good not when to end it.

 

The first place to make a decision is to be honest with yourself such as eliminating all the "I didn't want sex...then we had sex again" stuff and now "I don't want a relationship but i can't find a time to end it" stuff.

 

I was confused about ending it, but am not confused now. (Not enough to hold me back). I just feel really bad ending things right before the big opening of his restaurant. But you think I should not feel so bad about this? I just called him, and asked him to talk with me when he is free. So I am going to have to go through with it now for better of for worse...

[Matt3939]

I know when I date someone I try to learn as much as I can about them. It does eventually lead to sex though I think that's normal. Then the relationship does change a bit. Sounds like it just moved to that point to fast for you. If u think u r incompatable. Then that's it. Just don't show up. I think since you did have sex though you should be upfront and tell him it's over. Good luck

[boltnrun]

I would not just no show. I would explain that I have decided not to attend.

 

I'm pretty sure the opening will go on anyway. Sorry, but I don't think you not attending will ruin the entire night. He might not be happy about not getting to see you (i.e., have sex) afterward, but I'm willing to bet this opening has been planned for along time...long before he met you. So, life goes on.

[lifesatrip]

I would not just no show. I would explain that I have decided not to attend.

 

I'm pretty sure the opening will go on anyway. Sorry, but I don't think you not attending will ruin the entire night. He might not be happy about not getting to see you (i.e., have sex) afterward, but I'm willing to bet this opening has been planned for along time...long before he met you. So, life goes on.

 

I was waiting for the inevitable passive aggressive male comment. Thanks buddy.

[boltnrun]

I was waiting for the inevitable angry-bitter male comment. Thanks buddy.

 

Well, I am a female.

 

What about this comment says "bitter male" to you?

[lifesatrip]

Well, I am a female.

 

What about this comment says "bitter male" to you?

 

Oh. I've noticed that in many threads which involve some sort of female rejection of or criticism of a male there is often some passive aggressive male comment.

 

I'm all for honest feedback, but no need to be mean about it.

[boltnrun]

Oh. I've noticed that in many threads which involve some sort of female rejection of or criticism of a male there is often some passive aggressive male comment.

 

I'm all for honest feedback, but no need to be mean about it.

 

But you don't think continuing to have sex with this man (even when you tell him you won't) and continuing to see him and attend his events when you don't really want to keep dating him isn't "mean"??

 

How would you feel if you really liked a man and were intimate with him, then you found out weeks later that he really isn't that into you and wanted to stop dating you weeks earlier but he kept having sex with you and put off being honest about his feelings? You wouldn't think that was "mean"?

[Capricorn3]

But you don't think continuing to have sex with this man (even when you tell him you won't) and continuing to see him and attend his events when you don't really want to keep dating him isn't "mean"??

 

How would you feel if you really liked a man and were intimate with him, then you found out weeks later that he really isn't that into you and wanted to stop dating you weeks earlier but he kept having sex with you and put off being honest about his feelings? You wouldn't think that was "mean"?

 

Totally agree.

 

OP, just end it already. No need to over think and over analyze every tiny little thing. It's not working for you. Tell him and be done with it. Say what you mean and mean what you say.