girl 21yo with bf 23yo of 5 mnths, sleeps with her Sensei,33

[terrible]

i'm just interested in what peoples general thoughts on this are, my boyfriend is a bit controlling, and the tighter he holds the more i pushed away.. i don't know why. i told my martial arts instructor that i was attracted to him, but wouldn't jepodise his relationship with his partner and 5mths old baby girl.. and basically i couldn't train with him anymore. he said he would have been lying if he said he had no attraction to me, and a few weeks later we started having intimate meetings after class. i felt guilty and bad, my bf knew i'd cheated in a past relationship. i told him not long after, and now i feel even worse. my bf parents told him to give me a second chance. i've had long term relationships in the past, and this isn't one of them, but it feels like one. i only felt lust for my instructor, not love, sensei feels the same way. i told sensei it had to stop and he is fine with it and happy i can still train with him. i want to make it up to my bf. it's made me realise what companionship really means. i don't know why i have to cross 'the line' to the extreme to feel decided on an emotion.

thankyou for reading this, i know it's long, i just wanted to know if anyone else has been in this situation and how it worked out for them? if it worked out at all?

[terrible]

my bf says i'm going to end up sad and alone. what would you do?

[arwen]

Are the two of you still together? I think he says things like this because he is really hurt by you being intimate with the trainer.

 

Do you have an explanation for the other times you cheated?

 

Reconciliation after infidelity is really difficult. It's a good thing you have been honest, I think. However, I wouldn't expect him to trust you 100% so soon.

 

Ilse.

[terrible]

thanks for your response, it's a bit of a stalemate subject, thousands of people go through similar situations.. i guess i'm a bit lost. we are still together, he said i can go over to his place on the weekend to talk about it some more, and see where this whole thing is going. a friend reccommended this site to me because lots of friendly people give eachother advice.. thanks, i hope i can return the favour to another some time.

[jasminebose]

Hi,

Am just curious- do you think your cheating on him is a way for you to distance yourself from your boyfriend? Are you sure you want to be with him?

JZ

[Cecelius]

Your b/f knows you had sex with the sensei?

 

Frankly, I would wonder how or why YOU would want to stay with your b/f if he'll put up with this kind of thing. Would you be comfortable with his parents knowing you cheated on him?

 

It sounds to me like a classic case of a young person not wanting to be alone (hence having a b/b) but also needing emotional stimulation/attention from other men. Perhaps monogamy just isn't suited to you?

 

Lastly, I'm not sure because I've never been cheated on, by my sense is that the BEST way to grab a b/f by the testicles and stomp on them is to tell him that the cheating was purely physical.

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

I'm confused. You said that you had intimate meetings with your martial arts instructor and even though you both ended it, you still learn from him. And if I read this right you told your boyfriend what you two were doing and you still go to learn from him? If that's the case, don't you think that that's not fair to your bf?

 

If this is the case then I would say that you need to stop seeing you sensei all together. I've been in on the opposite side of this kind of thing before. It will take a herculean effort on your bf's part to trust you again, made even harder as long as you continue to go to your sensei. Is this fair to him? After all, he's not the one who strayed, it was you. Should he be doing the one who has to come to terms with this while you still see your fling everytime you go get lesson? In my opinion you need to make an effort to show him that it's over, and seeing the guy you cheated on him with every week or so is only going to make things worse.

[Drizown]

Wow i just have to say that my sensai is HOTT but i couldn't immagine the awkwardness of hookin up with him and still trainin with him.

[terrible]

thanks for all your advice, it's refreshing to have other peoples perspectives, i guess thats why this site is so sucsessfull. I am going over to my b/f place tonight to be dumped. i figure i don't deserve his loyalty, and i'll stick with trainning just with a different instructor. what is the key to feeling satisfied with being monogamus?

[Cecelius]

Self-satisfaction. Once you are rationally secure in who you are and don't need attention, emotional support, etc. to maintain you, you'll be satisfied.

 

It is much better to want things than to need them.

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

Hi Terrible,

 

I read what happened in the "paying the ultimate price" thread. I'm terribly sorry about what happened and I hope that things do work out for you.

 

To answer your question about the key to feeling satisfied with being monogamus. I honestly don't think there is any key to it. You, as a person, are either satisfied with it or not. Myself, I'm the kind of guy who can't picture myself in anything other than a monogamus relationship with someone. I wasn't always like that though, I used to think that monogamy wasn't the greatest thing in the world, but I had never cheated. It took someone cheating on me to completely turn that opinion around. I could never consiously inflict that much pain on someone I loved, like my ex did on me.

 

My advice for you is to learn from your mistake. You are now paying the ultimate price for someone who cheated. If you had continued on as you were doing, something like this was bound to happen eventually. I only hope you didn't give your ex what you ended up getting. He really doesn't deserve that when his only crime was caring about you.

[miracle29]

I hate to be the devils advocate here, but I think at your age you are being WAY too hard on yourself about cheating. Yes cheating is wrong, but you are NOT married and you are STILL very young. I think everyone else is being way too hard on you as well. Just because your boyfriend doesnt like that you cheated on him, doesn't mean he has been faithful to you this whole time. Men have a way of being very funnyabout these things. See its not ok for you to cheat, and you are "so horrible for doing it" but he will never tell you that he too cheated on you. Not saying he did, but i had a similiar situation years ago, i came clean feeling all horrible, only to find out that he had cheated on me and even though i confessed, he didnt say a peep. It wasnt until years later, he confessed, and mind you, his cheating occurred way before mines. Just thought that little tid bit may help you. MAYBE i'm wrong, but at his age 23, they have so many secrets. Secrets only his best friend would know if that. So forgive yourself already and move on. If he can't forgive then this will teach you a new lesson and next person you decide to settle with will be able to fufill you so you wont have to cheat.

 

Now if he has been faithful to you and you slipped up this once, i commend you for being honest with him. You never had to tell him, but you did and that makes me respect you despite the fact that you acted on a little lust! Your sensai to me is more to blame, because he is MARRIED right??? If so he needs to be honest with his wife and let her decide if she wants to stay with a teacher who can't be strictly professional with his students. Other then that, pray about it, forgive yourself and really take some space and time from the current beau and see if this is really where you wanted to be in the first place. its better to change your mind then to stay with someone you really can't commit to. I hope i helped you some.

[hunterboyhun]

you must be kidding! you've got some nerve selling that line around these here parts. cheating causes a tonne of pain to everyone concerned, it's a total betrayal of love and faith and trust and time shared together. being married or not or being young or not doesn't even figure into it. she's old enough to get herself into a relationship she's old enough to have an idea of the power of that. this girl has already cheated before and here she goes again. for her own sake it's good that she is being hard on herself because if she doesn't start to see the serious repercussions of acts like this then she may well continue to cheat again and again in the future hurting those people around her and consigning herself to a lonely life of low self-worth.

 

if you yourself hadn't been the first to cheat on your partner and confess to him, if instead it had been you who had remained faithful and you just happened to find out he'd cheated on you then you might be dishing out different advice now. It hurts, it hurts big time. Try a bit of empathy for the guy in this. It's not ok, and i think once you get past, say 14-15 you KNOW that cheating causes hurt, youth is no excuse. Everyone has a moment, a choice, it's the choices we make that define us.

 

As for this whole "men have secrets" stuff, come on. No one sex has the patent on secrets. My girlfriend had a neverending supply of them.... you're saying he might've cheated on her, he MIGHT'VE done this, MIGHT'VE done that, but all we DO know is that she was in a relationship that she says felt long term and out of lust (and without care or thought for her partner's feelings) made a move on the sensei.

 

Again, if this is something this girl can learn from then please let her learn, cheating hurts people, and why would anyone want to hurt someone who they care about or who they have cared about in the past? Let her learn.

[terrible]

wow.. i dont know what to say. i talked to my boyfriend about everything, i don't believe he has any secrets, i don't believe in keeping secrets from people we care about. i really cared about this guy, but i didn't know how much it would hurt him this way because this is a different situation from the other time. i've decided i'm not going to commit to ANYONE in a long time so i can re evaluate my own values. thanks for all the advice, in some ways everyone here is right. life is choice, i hope other people read here and see how screwed up things can get.. i'm glad this happened to me now, and not later when i could have possibly been married or something. crap happens, and we all need a little hurt in our lives to make us stronger. my choices have hurt me just as bad as him, just in different ways. now i'm alone, i can sort out my own crap and not bring anyone else down in the process....

[miracle29]

HUNTER...

First of all let me explain something to u, i don't condone cheating, i dont' think its right. I too have been cheated on, however i've seen that on this site MEN are alot harder on the women who make mistakes then they are on another man. The woman is called all kinds of names, but the man is shown way more leniancy then her "hey man, she'll forgive you" now i for one dont think that is fair by a long shot so instead of me jumping down her throat, i simply wanted her to know that WE ALL make mistakes, and a lot of times men will make a woman confess to something, drag her through the mud when the entire time, he was cheating himself.

 

 

Now i've been cheated on, and I have cheated. I did it out of revenge... i know that neither one of those scenerios feel good, even when i was in the wrong, i felt bad. But let me tell you this, If she confessed to him, and he takes her back then he can't hold this against her, that is the deal. you can't say "I forgive you" but every ten weeks throw it up in someones face.

I really wanted to make that clear to you, and by the way, the only reason I did cheat on the (loser) i was with was because his own best friend told me he had somethings (yes plural) going on. he denied it but i knew in my heart hunter that he did it. I just knew it (Womens intuition) but unlike i thought, getting revenge on him made me sick to my stomach, i had stomach issues. ANd after i run and tell him what ive done he tells me "I never cheated on you". Hunter HE WAS LIEING. Come to find out, his friend was telling the truth. He put me through so much and I had to kiss his butt thinking that he was innocent. It wasnt until a year later when i finally dumped him because the love just wasnt there, that he confessed. So now what do you think about that?

 

I wont lie to you, Cheating hurts, it hurts when you think someone you love wouldnt do that to you. And being a man it probably hurts you in a different way because women are not supposed to do that, (even though now and days more and more of us do it, mostly out of revenge and some for other reasons) but trust me i know all to well about heartbreak.

 

Just recently i found out that my own fiance cheated on me and he still denys it. I truly think all men cheat and lie so much about it, they actually convince themselves that they didnt do it.

Even the ones who claim they havent have done it atleast once. I've never met a man who hasnt, and i'm tired of it. I'm tired of loving a man who can't keep it in his pants but yet and still he wants me to keep it in mines. Now this isnt an email to bash you, but i want u to understand more about me,before you think i'm saying "ha ha cheating is great" No way, but at my age now, i have truly given up hope. I know my fiance cheated, probably still is cheating and yet he still lies to me. I stay because i love him, and because i know no matter who I end up with, they will cheat on me one day too, so whats the point. Their is no prince charming in this world, that man Does Not Exist. don't know why God intended for women and men to be together because the sad fact is, we can't keep you men faithful. No matter how pretty, how smart, how good we are..its never good enough, never. You will always want more. So understand, i too am bitter just like you. You say your girl has secrets, and I feel for you. Has she cheated on you?

 

I don't know i'm just rambling because i felt that you didnt understand that i have had my heartbroken so much, i don't even believe love exist...not mutual love anyways..Maybe this helped you some.

 

Sorry Terrible i went on a venting spree.

[hunterboyhun]

ok... i was just going to leave it at my original post... and that one had only been because your comments had incited me to reply.... but now you've gone and said this stuff i figure i'll have to post back, again.

 

look... first off, i have nothing personal against you... how can i, i don't even know you... you're some alias, gender and age... but a lot of what you say seems to come back to you time and again. This thread wasn't about you, it was about terrible but along the way you seem to have hijacked it in order to soapbox your own bitterness about men and relationships.

 

fair enough to some degree... let's face it, a lot of the people posting on here ARE bitter, and many rightfully so. but i stand by my original post. and i take exception to some of the things you mentioned... so in the interests of bringing the sexes to a closer understanding of each other let's square off again

 

1. "a lot of times men will make a woman confess to something, drag her through the mud when the entire time, he was cheating himself"

 

not a lot of times. how many times? how often? I asked my ex-girlfriend on 4 separate occasions over the course of 3 months if she had been cheating on me and TO MY FACE she point blank denied it EVEN THOUGH i made it clear to her how much it meant to me to know the truth (so I could move on if it were true and put our relationship behind me, find someone else). she lied again and again... and how many times had i cheated on her in our 2 year relationship? None. Not once. It wasn't until i finally found hard evidence and got the guy's name and confronted her with it (all largely by accident) that she finally had no choice but to admit it. So my question to you is why MAKE us drag you through the mud??? lord knows i didn't want to. instead she was quite happy to let me feel like i had failed. to let me dwell in the hope that she was just "finding herself" and that there might be a chance of reconciliation.

 

2. "I did it out of revenge"

and in doing so you hurt three people (at least). Your boyfriend, the guy you used, and yourself (when you finally realized how low you had stooped). this is not cool and all the more reason for you to see the importance of terrible learning a lesson from this, as i suspect you did after it happened to you.

 

3. "Come to find out, his friend was telling the truth. He put me through so much and I had to kiss his butt thinking that he was innocent. It wasnt until a year later when i finally dumped him because the love just wasnt there, that he confessed. So now what do you think about that? "

what do i think of it? i think it's a sad story, and fairly typical of the stories you read around here. but given that you chose to cheat on him out of revenge knowing that it would ultimately do no good i think there's some poetic balance to the situation. Look, no doubt, your situation sucked, but c'mon that shouldn't overshadow the comments you make to try and help terrible out.

 

4. "I truly think all men cheat and lie so much about it, they actually convince themselves that they didnt do it"

it's blanket statements like this born of your own tormented history that got me so stirred up in the first place. "ALL" men??? Like i said originally you got some nerve peddling that line here. Spend a bit of time going back over the last few years posts and take a good look at these guys who are posting here. Contrary to your view of the world there are guys out there, still, who haven't cheated on their gfs, who believe in loyalty, trust, honesty. Even if most of em are cheating you just got to be a bit more careful with comments like that. A lot of guys here have been 100% true to their girls and found that their gfs were cheating, it does them a disservice to paint them with that brush.

 

" Even the ones who claim they havent have done it atleast once" - and this is just insulting.

 

5. "I'm tired of loving a man who can't keep it in his pants but yet and still he wants me to keep it in mines."

yeah, i can feel that bitterness hanging off every word but seriously, it's not all like that. and i just feel that this generalising approach to men coloured the advice you gave to terrible in a way that wasn't necessarily going to help her much. so i wanted to put my 2c in. while i was seeing my gf i had opportunities to sleep with other women. one (younger, very pretty and engaging) woman literally confessed to me that she wanted to have sex with me AND this was after i found out that my gf had been cheating... but in the hope of reconciliation with my gf and (most importantly) out of love and respect for my gf i didn't pursue that encounter. i'm not asking for a medal or anything, i'm just using it as an example to say 'hey.. i'm just one guy and there are others out there who believe the same things and feel the same way'

 

6. "i know no matter who I end up with, they will cheat on me one day too, ......[cut] the sad fact is, we can't keep you men faithful. No matter how pretty, how smart, how good we are..its never good enough, never. You will always want more"

and here is where i say 'ease up girl' ... ease off that throttle.... my goodness! my gf was way pretty, smart and good enough for me and i would have happily settled for her forsaking all other women for the rest of my life. i made that conscious choice about 1 week into dating her.

 

 

ok.... i know my tone here has been pretty harsh and i would like to temper it with a slight apology. i am truly sorry that your experience of men has been disappointing and disheartening. at the moment in life i'm pretty jaded about women too. but both you and i and everyone have to be careful saying "all men this" or "all women that". We have to be careful that the advice we give here isn't overly tainted by our own experiences and motivated by resentment. And with that in mind, for you, personally, maybe you should rethink your relationship with your fiance. You don't sound like a happy woman and i think someone who is set to be married to someone they love SHOULD be happy. Don't buy into a deal that you may regret (or have to suffer through) down the track.

 

as far as "helping me some" goes... i guess in a way it did. it gave me an opportunity to vent some anger and frustration. now that i come to the end of my post though i feel a little sad about it all. we are all victims here, even terrible, victim of her own mistakes... and i admit i feel some guilt in being so mean-spirited. after all you're just someone hurting, like me, like everyone here. let's just try to keep our advice motivated by love even me.

 

thanks all for putting up with this indulgent post.

nite.

[terrible]

hmm.. well for my first experience with enotalone i got way more than i bargained for.. i decided that i don't want to be a victim, and have got myself more help.. i really dont know what to say to you both, except that i feel like i've just been involved with a true slice of jerry springer. My boyfriend wants to forgive me and try and repair my mistake, but now i'm too scared and don't want to be a disappointment..

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

I'm happy that your boyfriend wants to try to patch things up. One word of advice to you that I have is that you need to realize that you made a mistake and you are lucky that he took you back. That's a rare gift, treasure it.

 

If in the future you ever feel the need to wander again, just remember how you hurt your boyfriend the first time. If you did it again, the pain would only be multiplied. Trust me, I know this from experience. I had an ex who cheated on me once, that hurt more than I could express. When I took her back and she cheated again, well, that devestated me, if it weren't for a VERY good friend, I probably wouldn't be here right now.

 

I wish you the best of luck. I hope you and your boyfriend can work this out and in the end be stronger for it.