Bf stays up all night drinking beer and watching TV

[pizzaeater00]

PS - I often think of the men in my friends' lives and see what they do to take care of the family. For example, pulling extra shifts before the baby is born to save up money. I look at good examples of men really making sure that their family is secure.... and then I see guys like my ex and your bf. Just moochers.

Yes I do the same and it only frustrated me more because of him not doing thise things. smh

[pizzaeater00]

You, my dear girl, are a classic enabler. You work hard for money so he can blow it on beer while he watches tv on the cable you paid for and he freeloads in your home, eating your food, hogging space, doing nothing useful. He does this because he can. He has no requirement to do any better. So what if he has nowhere to go? He'll figure it out, you are not his mother. This guy needs to leave immediately. He will not change because he doesnt need to! He'll beg and whine and cry and tell you how awful you are but too bad, you aren't awful for wanting someone who does their part to make the communal home a nice place to be. Someone who works to earn money to pay the rent and buy food and anything else that is needed. Time for you to grow a backbone and kick him to the curb.

 

You dont love him, you love what you wish he was.

Funny you said that because he said the same thing. Said I enable him. I stopped buying the beer and he threw a damn fit. I felt bad (I know I know) and gave in and let him get it again. I thought he'd change after seeing how much i care about him, but I only made it worse I see. I realize now I am an enabler. I was in denial about it. I just thought he'd want to salvage the relationship (again my fault) and change some things. I was wrong.

[pizzaeater00]

Time to kick this over grown man child sponge out.

You're right. I told him he needs to go. He told me I was wrong for kicking him out. I don't get how. It's not my fault that he chose not work (part of it is for allowing it) and have a place to go.

[Wiseman2]

It's never too late to make whatever changes you need, both practically and mentally. That includes throwing him out and realizing that fostering and enabling an alcoholic is a problem. Look into AlAnon to get help for yourself they are for friends family of alcoholics and offer support info.

I thought it would make him realize (or any person for that matter) what a good thing we have /could have. Now I realize i can't do that and I look more like a door mat.

[pizzaeater00]

He moved in with you.

He doesn't have a steady job.

He's 37.

 

He's a loser and a mooch. You need to respect yourself, dump him, and kick him out.

I agree. He doesn't see himself as a mooch. Go figure. He said I haven't been patient with him. I feel I've been more than patient with him. I am in no way perfect, but I am mostly responsible and take the blame for my actions in most cases. When he says certain things like that it makes me question whether I HAVE been patient. Makes me feel a little crazy.

[Moontiger]

You're right. I told him he needs to go. He told me I was wrong for kicking him out. I don't get how. It's not my fault that he chose not work (part of it is for allowing it) and have a place to go.

 

Good. You are doing the right thing. Give him a set date he has to have his stuff out (take pictures before hand in case he tries to take any of your stuff). If his stuff isn't out by that day, pack it all up, text him you are putting it outside the next day at X o'clock.

[Moontiger]

I agree. He doesn't see himself as a mooch. Go figure. He said I haven't been patient with him. I feel I've been more than patient with him. I am in no way perfect, but I am mostly responsible and take the blame for my actions in most cases. When he says certain things like that it makes me question whether I HAVE been patient. Makes me feel a little crazy.

 

Yes you have, for years. Don't get drawn into an argument with him just say "it doesn't matter. We are not together anymore."

[pizzaeater00]

I completely understand getting laid off its horrable. I never had the luxury of having somone in my life I could count on when it has happened. But the longest I've been out of work is 3 months.

 

This guy has been looking for 3 years? Comes a time u take anything. What is he a blimp pilot? Looking for a job is horrable but come on. You should have put your foot down years ago. He's comfortable and taking advantage. You do have all the power even if you don't know it. Good luck

Yes and I know it can be hard to have no work. But I mean 3 years is a LONG TIME. He said he didn't want a restaurant job, that he wanted a career, which i understand. I have offered to pay for school and helped him look into things he could go to school for that he's already good at. He never did so i stopped trying. I have been paying for everything and worming 2 jobs pretty much the entire time. I know a relationship isn't all about money and I'm not materialistic, but it IS Important to have to survive in this world Not to mention I have already expressed how I feel about it many times before so it's it like this is out of the blue. I will admit that my patience has run very thin, so im not as nice about it as I used to be. And I thank you. ☺

[pizzaeater00]

You know what you must do. It's just a matter of planning on how to go about it. It's easy for people to tell you to get rid of him, but it's not so simple when he's living with you, and you're supporting him.

 

That is why you need to put together a plan (very quickly) on how to separate yourself from him. Depending on his temperament, it could be as simple as giving him a short time period to find another place to live (telling him that "living together" is not what you want to continue doing), or it could be a drastic measure of moving out without him knowing about it. But something needs to be done.

Yes you're right. I doubt he will change and I feel too much bad stuff has already been said between us to really get over it. If he does change, i don't think it would be permanent anyway. He's said he'd stop drinking and would stop a week or two and start right back up, so I've given up. I don't know how long I should give him or how to really go about it. I don't want to move out of my home, so he must leave.

[Blue Ridge]

If he's drinking every single night, there's a deeper problem going on. He's likely either an alcoholic or on his way to being one. How would he react to having an alcohol-free house for the next 30 days? I'm not saying to keep him around (you shouldn't), just curious as to how that would go over? If he flipped out, he's probably dependent on it.

[pizzaeater00]

lol blimp pilot...

 

I honestly think you should take some of that money he uses for beer and use it for yourself for a therapist. Just to help you learn how to take care of you. Something in you attracted you to him and this pattern. Three years of it is a LONG time. Truth is though, there are men and women that live their entire lives supporting 'partners' like him. Doesn't have to be you!

 

He/she can help you through the process of having him move out and all that fall out. And in making sure after he is gone, you don't take on another one.

I had my first therapy appointment today. ☺ My next appointment is Tuesday and so I'm excited and nervous about it. I hope she can help me understand a few things about myself and why I attracted him. He told me he was something he wasn't and I believed it before actually seeing for myself.

[pizzaeater00]

Honestly how can someone be unemployed and mooching for YEARS?!? 😦 I cannot wrap my mind around this. How is he not bored out of his skull and feeling like crap because he doesn't have any of his own money??

 

I've been unemployed for 2 months and I'm going insane and hustling my butt off to make at least enough to pay my own bills. I teach yoga, drive for Lyft and do random temp jobs. Whatever I have to do to be a responsible adult.

 

Yes the job market sucks but no one takes 3 years to find a job unless they're a complete idiot with no social skills. Seriously he can't even get in a car and drive for Uber or work at the grocery store?? Pathetic.

He says he feels bad, but his actions don't show it. I have a riding lawn mower so he could have cut grass over the summer to make his own money or even helped on my job some nights. he wouldn't do it. When I confronted him about it, he gave me allllll kinds of excuses and made me feel like crap for expecting more. It has made me not trust how I feel on some things because of the way he will explain 'his point of view'.

[pizzaeater00]

It's never too late to make whatever changes you need, both practically and mentally. That includes throwing him out and realizing that fostering and enabling an alcoholic is a problem. Look into AlAnon to get help for yourself they are for friends family of alcoholics and offer support info.

Oh I didn't know that it was for other people as well. I always thought it was for alcoholics only. I tried to get him to go to that too to no avail. I have a therapist I'm seeing now, so I hope that will help.

[Wiseman2]

Yes talk to the therapist about you, since you can't change him. Yes AlAnon I tried to get him to go to that too to no avail. I have a therapist I'm seeing now, so I hope that will help.

[pizzaeater00]

If he's drinking every single night, there's a deeper problem going on. He's likely either an alcoholic or on his way to being one. How would he react to having an alcohol-free house for the next 30 days? I'm not saying to keep him around (you shouldn't), just curious as to how that would go over? If he flipped out, he's probably dependent on it.

When he has gone a while without drinking (maybe a week or 2) he says he hard time sleeping (which I have witnessed first hand) and that he doesn't see him drinking as being so bad. He doesn't drink in small amounts either. He drinks 3 to 4 40 ounce ice house beers a night. He's a big guy ( around 6'2 and 260) but still that is a lot to me. I've tried encouraging other things to occupy him besides drinking like exercising together, going on walks, talking, playing board games, going to different places and setting personal goals ect. None of them have stuck. He has gotten mad when I stopped buying the beer before and I felt bad and gave in again. I think he is an alcoholic, but he doesn't think so. : /

[Blue Ridge]

Well, for starters, he needs to buy his own beer, at VERY least!

[Wiseman2]

When you get help, you will see what denial means, both for the alcoholic and the enabler. Stop trying to fix, change, nag him. It will never work.

I think he is an alcoholic, but he doesn't think so.

[Ms Darcy]

I agree. He doesn't see himself as a mooch. Go figure. He said I haven't been patient with him. I feel I've been more than patient with him. I am in no way perfect, but I am mostly responsible and take the blame for my actions in most cases. When he says certain things like that it makes me question whether I HAVE been patient. Makes me feel a little crazy.

 

I saw your update. So what's up now? Are you kicking him out soon ... I hope so.

 

Don't let him guilt you into continuing to enable him.

[itsallgrand]

I had my first therapy appointment today. ☺ My next appointment is Tuesday and so I'm excited and nervous about it. I hope she can help me understand a few things about myself and why I attracted him. He told me he was something he wasn't and I believed it before actually seeing for myself.

 

Wow, go you!! Aww that's so great!!