Bf stays up all night drinking beer and watching TV

[pizzaeater00]

I'm at my wits end. I'm so annoyed by his behavior and I've spoken to him about it. He is 37 and unemployed and has only had 1 job(that he only had for about 4 months and then quit) since he moved in with me. We've been together for 3.5 years and been living together for about 3 years (yes it was a very early decision that I should have definitely waited on). Any way, he says he's looking for jobs online and has shown me where he has applied to many but no results until recently where he has gotten hired for a temporary job that lasts for 1 week. I'm grateful that he has gotten that job and have told him so. I just don't get how no one has hired him for so long, but that's a whole different post. He says he has always been a night owl, but him being a night owl is interfering with what relationship we do have. He stays up every night (no exaggeration) til 7, 8 and sometimes even 9 or later. He is up watching TV, drinking beer and networking on social media (he wants to be in the entertainment business). I've asked him to come cuddle with me some nights for a little while but he doesn't. We rarely have sex (I don't even want to have sex at this point bc he has turned me off with the lack of work, drinking all night and staying up all night ect.) , we don't really do anything together but stay at home at watch TV. I've said something to him numerous times and he turns it around and blames me for intimacy and affection not happening bc of my attitude towards him, but the reason why I have an attitude with him in the first place is bc of the stuff he does! He has told me that in order for me to get what I want I have to change my attitude. I didnt start off having an attitude and I am an extremely patient person the majority of the time, it progressed there bc of me continously saying the same things over and over again. I just needed to vent. I'm seriously contemplating breaking up with him. I love him but good God I don't know how much more I can take. The way he words stuff makes me feel like I'm in the wrong for feeling this way bc he says I'm not being patient with him . He says i make him feel like crap and less of a man. I know I'm rambling but I just really need to get that out. Thank you for reading this.

[SoulTaker]

Why do you "love" him? What has he done to earn any type of "love"? What are you getting out of this relationship? Why have you allowed him to be dependent on you? You know where this is leading to....

[pizzaeater00]

Why do you "love" him? What has he done to earn any type of "love"? What are you getting out of this relationship? Why have you allowed him to be dependent on you? You know where this is leading to....

I'm beginning to think it's more of just being used to him being around. I feel terrible about that, but I think that may be it. I don't want him to be dependent on me, but that has happened. He actually hasn't done much to earn my love when I actually think about it. I sympathized with him until he kept right on doing what he's doing now. He has a way with words and I'm soft hearted so I got myself into what it is now.

[annie24]

Welcome to ENA. I think you need to kick him to the curb. I know you love him, but let's face it - this man isn't exactly marriage material. If you stay with him, just know that you're adopting a 37-year old child, not an equal partner in life. He's not going to get a job unless he's faced with being homeless.

[shellyf62]

Omg, he is sponging off you & mooching around the house & he wonders why you dont find him sexually attractive.

I would have kicked him out after a couple of months of no job. Why on earth have you let this go on for 3 years???

[pizzaeater00]

Welcome to ENA. I think you need to kick him to the curb. I know you love him, but let's face it - this man isn't exactly marriage material. If you stay with him, just know that you're adopting a 37-year old child, not an equal partner in life. He's not going to get a job unless he's faced with being homeless.

Thank you . I agree. I do feel like I have an adult child. He has no where to go, which makes me feel even worse for telling him to leave. It's not my fault why he has nothing. I have encouraged him and even allowed him access to my other vehicle to get to places he needs to go. I feel taken advantage of (although it is partly my fault as well) and it hurts my feelings .

[pizzaeater00]

Why do you "love" him? What has he done to earn any type of "love"? What are you getting out of this relationship? Why have you allowed him to be dependent on you? You know where this is leading to....

And thank you for taking the time out to read and reply to me ☺. It is appreciated.

[pizzaeater00]

Welcome to ENA. I think you need to kick him to the curb. I know you love him, but let's face it - this man isn't exactly marriage material. If you stay with him, just know that you're adopting a 37-year old child, not an equal partner in life. He's not going to get a job unless he's faced with being homeless.

Thank you for taking the time to read and reply to my post. I really appreciate it. ☺ ☺

[pizzaeater00]

Omg, he is sponging off you & mooching around the house & he wonders why you dont find him sexually attractive.

I would have kicked him out after a couple of months of no job. Why on earth have you let this go on for 3 years???

When I did try before he made me feel so bad about it and I actually felt like I was in the wrong for feeling the way I feel! It has made me question whether or not I'm going crazy for being so upset with him. He has told me I'm not being patient with him (don't even understand that part at ALL) and that my attitude doesn't help with me and him. I don't know who wouldn't have some kind of attitude at this point. I don't walk around just being mean and yelling, just way more pulled back from him bc of him continously hurting me.

[annie24]

i dated a long-term unemployed guy myself. He worked at a company and then when he was laid off, he just decided to treat the 6 months unemployment like a vacation. Sleeping until noon, smoking pot, watching netflix. He sort of looked for jobs, but I'd say he didn't spend more than 1-2 hours a week doing that. He didn't finally get a job until his unemployment ran out and he HAD to.

[pizzaeater00]

i dated a long-term unemployed guy myself. He worked at a company and then when he was laid off, he just decided to treat the 6 months unemployment like a vacation. Sleeping until noon, smoking pot, watching netflix. He sort of looked for jobs, but I'd say he didn't spend more than 1-2 hours a week doing that. He didn't finally get a job until his unemployment ran out and he HAD to.

Least he had unemployment, bf has nothing. Did you break it off with him due to unemployment?

[annie24]

Least he had unemployment, bf has nothing. Did you break it off with him due to unemployment?

 

No, actually. He broke up with ME 2 weeks after he started a new entry-level job. Said he was attracted to some of the women at work and wanted to see if he could do better than me.

(Mind you, when i tried to break up with him before, he begged me to stay, said I was all he had. I should have just broken up with him)

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[pizzaeater00]

No, actually. He broke up with ME 2 weeks after he started a new entry-level job. Said he was attracted to some of the women at work and wanted to see if he could do better than me.

(Mind you, when i tried to break up with him before, he begged me to stay, said I was all he had. I should have just broken up with him)

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Wow. Some nerve!! You stuck by his side when he was down. smh Well I hope you have moved on and found better and in a better place now. ☺

[ThatwasThen]

If he doesn't work:

Who buys him the beer that he stays up drinking?

Who pays for the internet he stays up all night to browse on?

Who pays for the cable to the T.V. he keeps on all night instead of coming to bed with you?

Who pays for a room over his head and food in his belly?

Who pays for Neflix and any other luxuries?

If it's You, then You are enabling him not to have to work so why would he work?

[annie24]

Wow. Some nerve!! You stuck by his side when he was down. smh Well I hope you have moved on and found better and in a better place now. ☺

 

Well, no, I'm not in a new relationship now. I've dated other men, but I'm still single. I don't google-stalk my ex so I don't know what he's up to. In any case, I think that the breakup was for the best because he obviously wasn't a very responsible person and it drove me batty. I want someone with a better work ethic, it sounds like you do too. I want a husband that if I lost my job, I could count on him to help take care of the family. That obviously wasn't my ex, it doesn't sound like it's your bf either.

 

What's stopping you from leaving him?

[annie24]

PS - I often think of the men in my friends' lives and see what they do to take care of the family. For example, pulling extra shifts before the baby is born to save up money. I look at good examples of men really making sure that their family is secure.... and then I see guys like my ex and your bf. Just moochers.

[melancholy123]

You, my dear girl, are a classic enabler. You work hard for money so he can blow it on beer while he watches tv on the cable you paid for and he freeloads in your home, eating your food, hogging space, doing nothing useful. He does this because he can. He has no requirement to do any better. So what if he has nowhere to go? He'll figure it out, you are not his mother. This guy needs to leave immediately. He will not change because he doesnt need to! He'll beg and whine and cry and tell you how awful you are but too bad, you aren't awful for wanting someone who does their part to make the communal home a nice place to be. Someone who works to earn money to pay the rent and buy food and anything else that is needed. Time for you to grow a backbone and kick him to the curb.

 

You dont love him, you love what you wish he was.

[Moontiger]

Time to kick this over grown man child sponge out.

[Ms Darcy]

He moved in with you.

He doesn't have a steady job.

He's 37.

 

He's a loser and a mooch. You need to respect yourself, dump him, and kick him out.

[Matt3939]

I completely understand getting laid off its horrable. I never had the luxury of having somone in my life I could count on when it has happened. But the longest I've been out of work is 3 months.

 

This guy has been looking for 3 years? Comes a time u take anything. What is he a blimp pilot? Looking for a job is horrable but come on. You should have put your foot down years ago. He's comfortable and taking advantage. You do have all the power even if you don't know it. Good luck

[SoulTaker]

I'm beginning to think it's more of just being used to him being around. I feel terrible about that, but I think that may be it. I don't want him to be dependent on me, but that has happened. He actually hasn't done much to earn my love when I actually think about it. I sympathized with him until he kept right on doing what he's doing now. He has a way with words and I'm soft hearted so I got myself into what it is now.

 

You know what you must do. It's just a matter of planning on how to go about it. It's easy for people to tell you to get rid of him, but it's not so simple when he's living with you, and you're supporting him.

 

That is why you need to put together a plan (very quickly) on how to separate yourself from him. Depending on his temperament, it could be as simple as giving him a short time period to find another place to live (telling him that "living together" is not what you want to continue doing), or it could be a drastic measure of moving out without him knowing about it. But something needs to be done.

[itsallgrand]

lol blimp pilot...

 

I honestly think you should take some of that money he uses for beer and use it for yourself for a therapist. Just to help you learn how to take care of you. Something in you attracted you to him and this pattern. Three years of it is a LONG time. Truth is though, there are men and women that live their entire lives supporting 'partners' like him. Doesn't have to be you!

 

He/she can help you through the process of having him move out and all that fall out. And in making sure after he is gone, you don't take on another one.

[Iggy5129]

Honestly how can someone be unemployed and mooching for YEARS?!? 😦 I cannot wrap my mind around this. How is he not bored out of his skull and feeling like crap because he doesn't have any of his own money??

 

I've been unemployed for 2 months and I'm going insane and hustling my butt off to make at least enough to pay my own bills. I teach yoga, drive for Lyft and do random temp jobs. Whatever I have to do to be a responsible adult.

 

Yes the job market sucks but no one takes 3 years to find a job unless they're a complete idiot with no social skills. Seriously he can't even get in a car and drive for Uber or work at the grocery store?? Pathetic.

[pizzaeater00]

If he doesn't work:

Who buys him the beer that he stays up drinking?

Who pays for the internet he stays up all night to browse on?

Who pays for the cable to the T.V. he keeps on all night instead of coming to bed with you?

Who pays for a room over his head and food in his belly?

Who pays for Neflix and any other luxuries?

If it's You, then You are enabling him not to have to work so why would he work?

Yes it is me. Foolishly I thought I was helping until I realized I wasn't. I thought he would see how much I cared about him (not because I buy him beer or other things) but more because of how devoted I was to him. I thought it would make him realize (or any person for that matter) what a good thing we have /could have. Now I realize i can't do that and I look more like a door mat.

[pizzaeater00]

Well, no, I'm not in a new relationship now. I've dated other men, but I'm still single. I don't google-stalk my ex so I don't know what he's up to. In any case, I think that the breakup was for the best because he obviously wasn't a very responsible person and it drove me batty. I want someone with a better work ethic, it sounds like you do too. I want a husband that if I lost my job, I could count on him to help take care of the family. That obviously wasn't my ex, it doesn't sound like it's your bf either.

 

What's stopping you from leaving him?

I feel the same way. I want someone I can rely on when tomes get tough if need be, and someone who is willing to step up to the plate without me having to ask or say something all the time m I know no one is a mind reader, but I feel certain things should come naturally as a responsible adult. I think the reason is more because I feel bad about his living situation. He has no one except Mr and that is a lot of pressure on me emotionally because I feel like a bad person. I know it sounds crazy, but that is what it is. I broke up with him the other night and I lost my temper. I hate that I got that way, but everything had piled up and one small thing set it off. I asked him (very nicely and warmly) if he would come and lay with me for a little bit and when he gave me some poor excuse it just went from there. I know that may sound controlling on my end, but I just really got fed up and broke up with him. I feel bad because of how mean I got, but I held my ground. I know that I just typed a wholeeeeeeee lot, sorry.