thornz Posted August 21, 2016 Share Posted August 21, 2016 I've posted about this before, my new partner (now been together 4ish months) suggested I move in with him due to my sticky financial situation. I strongly declined. Financial situation is now resolved and I have put a deposit on a room and will move in, in a week. The plan is to save to buy my own house in a year or so. However, my partner is still trying to get me to move in with him. He mentions it regularly, saying surely I know we are good together and he feels different about what the outcome of this relationship will be. I told him numerous times I have no intention to move in with him, I want to buy my own house before I ever live with a partner and that it is not smart to move in with somebody new. He comes up with various arguments (I.e don't base your choices on past relationships) which aren't really related to my decision. It's getting to the point where I'm feeling nagged and pressurised and am getting snappy any time he brings up the new room as I feel it's in support of his agenda "don't you think the room is too small, you will hate it, I don't understand why you want to move there." I don't feel like he needs to understand my motives, he should just accept my choice. Any suggestions? I'm overall very happy about him and the relationship. I do actually feel as he does, that the relationship outcome has good longterm potential, however this issue is making me have second thoughts. Whenever it is brought up I just wonder if we are on the same page or if I can be with somebody so full on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
agent1607307371 Posted August 21, 2016 Share Posted August 21, 2016 Honestly, it's concerning that he's putting so much pressure on you 4 months in. I don't think it's wrong that he should understand your motives (because i said so, isn't really an acceptable way to behave in a relationship), but I wonder if there is any reason he would understand or if any reason you give would just give him another angle to argue that you should move in with him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melancholy123 Posted August 21, 2016 Share Posted August 21, 2016 He does sound to be badgering you. Perhaps you need to be more emphatic when you say NO I am not moving in with you. I agree with you, 4 months is too soon, and I support your desire to own your own home asap. Stick to your guns, dont back down unless you really think it's the right thing to do. He is too pushy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt3939 Posted August 21, 2016 Share Posted August 21, 2016 Do what you think you should do. You will have alot more personal stability if you do it on your own. Going thru it right now you can't rely on anyone but yourself. You have only known this person 4 months. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted August 21, 2016 Share Posted August 21, 2016 Two red flags I see with this scenario: You've only know one another 4 months. Way too soon He DOES NOT respect your decisions, and that is why he continues to pressure you. This would be a HUGE indicator of what the future will look. like. This guy will try to control and manipulate you. Not good! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thornz Posted August 21, 2016 Author Share Posted August 21, 2016 Honestly, it's concerning that he's putting so much pressure on you 4 months in. I don't think it's wrong that he should understand your motives (because i said so, isn't really an acceptable way to behave in a relationship), but I wonder if there is any reason he would understand or if any reason you give would just give him another angle to argue that you should move in with him. The motives are that I barely know him and I have always wanted to get a degree and buy my own place from being a little girl (I didn't have the usual get married and have babies dream from childhood lol). He knows my motives and he doesn't understand them. As far as I'm concerned, you don't need to understand somebodies motives to accept that as an adult they can make their own choices. I might question his choices but only a few times then I will drop it after giving him food for thought. It's not my place to question his decisions in life, I just accept them because they're his to make and mine to accept. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thornz Posted August 21, 2016 Author Share Posted August 21, 2016 He does sound to be badgering you. Perhaps you need to be more emphatic when you say NO I am not moving in with you. I agree with you, 4 months is too soon, and I support your desire to own your own home asap. Stick to your guns, dont back down unless you really think it's the right thing to do. He is too pushy. I'm not one to beat about the bush. When I say no everyone knows I mean no ha. I won't back down, just seeking advice on how to get this though to him without blowing my top. It's starting to get very annoying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thornz Posted August 21, 2016 Author Share Posted August 21, 2016 Do what you think you should do. You will have alot more personal stability if you do it on your own. Going thru it right now you can't rely on anyone but yourself. You have only known this person 4 months. Definitely not moving in with him, more seeking advice on how to tactfully tell him to get a grip and stop being a pest lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted August 21, 2016 Share Posted August 21, 2016 Tell him to stop asking. You are going to take the room, and then purchase your own home. Period! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thornz Posted August 21, 2016 Author Share Posted August 21, 2016 Two red flags I see with this scenario: You've only know one another 4 months. Way too soon He DOES NOT respect you, and that is why he continues to pressure you. This would be a HUGE indicator of what the future will look. like. This guy will try to control and manipulate you. Not good! Exactly what is concerning me, I feel like he is undermining my right to make my own choices as an adult and wading in with his own agenda, trying to get me to make a decision based on what is good for him and not for me. I have nothing to gain and a lot to lose by moving in to his house. Again, in the back of my mind (despite him showing no other controlling indicators) I'm thinking, surely this is a controlling behaviour? I'm a very loud and stubborn and independent person though, I'm not sure if he the first choice of a controlling person? Would love to hear what his exes say about him? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thornz Posted August 21, 2016 Author Share Posted August 21, 2016 Tell him to stop asking. You are going to take the room, and then purchase your own home. Period! "I'm not moving in with you, end of discussion." Didn't do the trick. Will tell him I'm not entertaining the conversation and he shouldn't bring it up again, next time he mentions it. Keeping my cool is going to be the tricky part! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted August 21, 2016 Share Posted August 21, 2016 Exactly what is concerning me, I feel like he is undermining my right to make my own choices as an adult and wading in with his own agenda, trying to get me to make a decision based on what is good for him and not for me. I have nothing to gain and a lot to lose by moving in to his house. Again, in the back of my mind (despite him showing no other controlling indicators) I'm thinking, surely this is a controlling behaviour? I'm a very loud and stubborn and independent person though, I'm not sure if he the first choice of a controlling person? Would love to hear what his exes say about him? You're a smart girl to key into this. Stick to your guns! I think that you will be much more aware if there is any other similar behavior. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted August 21, 2016 Share Posted August 21, 2016 "I'm not moving in with you, end of discussion." Didn't do the trick. Will tell him I'm not entertaining the conversation and he shouldn't bring it up again, next time he mentions it. Keeping my cool is going to be the tricky part! Wow! Don't know how to respond, since he completely disrespected your statement. Hon, this an indicator of the future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thornz Posted August 21, 2016 Author Share Posted August 21, 2016 Wow! Don't know how to respond, since he completely disrespected your statement. Hon, this an indicator of the future. Yes that is my concern, that it would spiral from there. I'm wondering if I'm overlooking something? Generally he is lovely, no other untoward behaviours, we have had misunderstandings but they have been easily ironed out with no drama. It's just the nagging about moving in. He hasn't asked me to move in recently, he says "I understand that you want your own place, but you shouldn't make your decisions based on past relationships, don't you think there is something different with us? I feel different with you than any previous relationship and we spend so much time together I don't understand why you are against moving in together? It makes sense to move in." Am I missing something? All I'm hearing in my annoyed state is I want this and you don't, you should want what I want. His general attitude however is whatever makes you happy is fine by me. Seems strange he's so stuck on this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted August 21, 2016 Share Posted August 21, 2016 Sounds like you need to have strong boundaries with this one because he thinks that he can change your mind by pestering. (perhaps that's how he got his own way with his mother when he was a little boy?). Just keep saying no or calmly tell him that you've had this convo before and you haven't changed your mind. and don't get yourself all bothered by his little boy behaviour. Adding: I suspect that once he realizes that his tactic isn't fazing you he may just start with a different kind of manipulation. Think ~ If you loved me you would move in with me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thornz Posted August 21, 2016 Author Share Posted August 21, 2016 Sounds like you need to have strong boundaries with this one because he thinks that he can change your mind by pestering. (perhaps that's how he got his own way with his mother when he was a little boy?). Just keep saying no or calmly tell him that you've had this convo before and you haven't changed your mind. and don't get yourself all bothered by his little boy behaviour. Adding: I suspect that once he realizes that his tactic isn't fazing you he may just start with a different kind of manipulation. Think ~ If you loved me you would move in with me. I can't imagine he got away with anything with his mother as a child, he gets his mentality from her, she is also very stubborn and driven to go for what she wants. She is no pushover. He's smarter than that, it would be something less obvious if that was his tactic. Definitely need strong boundaries, luckily I'm exceptionally stubborn, the more he keeps pushing this issue the less I would even consider it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thornz Posted August 21, 2016 Author Share Posted August 21, 2016 My main concern (other than his potential to turn out to be an abusive control freak) is that he keeps bringing it up because in my threatened state I'm not hearing what he's saying? Or asking? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted August 21, 2016 Share Posted August 21, 2016 My main concern (other than his potential to turn out to be an abusive control freak) is that he keeps bringing it up because in my threatened state I'm not hearing what he's saying? Or asking? What do you mean "in your threatened state?" Are those his words or your thoughts? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thornz Posted August 21, 2016 Author Share Posted August 21, 2016 What do you mean "in your threatened state?" Are those his words or your thoughts? My perception, I feel that moving in with him would be a threat to my independence and happiness. It's something I feel very strongly about as I have been a real pushover in the past, allowed somebody to pressure into moving in with me very soon and we were miserable. I resented my partner so much and was horrible to him, something I deeply regret as he was lovely and didn't deserve it. However, that isn't the reason, I would feel it's too soon even if that hadn't happened in my past. I knew it was too soon then as I wasn't ready. I don't feel anywhere near ready this time either. So when he brings it up I very quickly get defensive and annoyed and probably aren't listening to what he is saying very well. All that's going on in my head is I can't cope with this so soon, I will end up hating him, our this far great relationship will be ruined, I will be stuck with all my things at his house and nowhere to go, I won't be able to have my own space. I'll treat him terribly. I'm not really listening to him, I'm on the attack as soon as this discussion is even remotely on the horizon. I "start being arsey" as he puts it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thornz Posted August 21, 2016 Author Share Posted August 21, 2016 And I guess a threat of losing my individuality and just taking on his lifestyle instead of doing my own thing, walking, swimming, counseling and self improvement. I slacked off a bit of late. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted August 21, 2016 Share Posted August 21, 2016 You don't even know this guy. It's only been four months. Why does he insist on the rush? I think it would be crazy to move in with someone after four months. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thornz Posted August 21, 2016 Author Share Posted August 21, 2016 You don't even know this guy. It's only been four months. Why does he insist on the rush? I think it would be crazy to move in with someone after four months. I have no idea. He has nothing to lose by me moving in except our relationship. I don't think he sees that though. I think it's crazy too but people do it. I told him it's not a smart move. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted August 21, 2016 Share Posted August 21, 2016 What is his relationship history? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thornz Posted August 21, 2016 Author Share Posted August 21, 2016 What is his relationship history? I haven't asked in depth as I don't want to excuse any ty behaviour due to his history. I'd like to be as objective as possible. Not that he's displayed ty behaviour but I've not been objective in that instance with my ex. All he has told me is that he's been "messed about a lot" and that his last serious relationship three years ago ended because they "wanted different things" and was best spoken about in detail face to face of I wanted to know more because it was complicated. She was retraining to be a vet whilst he financially supported her to some degree. She complained that he was spending too much time at work so he tried to salvage the relationship by taking her on holiday. It ended very shortly after that. They lived together for the last year of their three year relationship. He's had flings since, nothing serious, last one was sleeping with her ex and using him as a meal ticket. All his friends and family sing his praises and some are very surprised at certain things, it seems he treats me very differently to some of his previous partners. He is still friends with a couple he was introduced to by his ex, they say he's so lovely they wouldn't stop being friends just because of their split. The wife in the couple told me she had been praying for him to meet somebody because he deserves to be happy, she's so glad we met etc. Most of his friends and family also seem to be keen for him to settle down ASAP. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thornz Posted August 21, 2016 Author Share Posted August 21, 2016 I suspect he proposed to his ex, but I haven't asked. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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