My boyfriend dismisses my feelings

[Jaggialexis]

Hi all.

 

I was looking to get some much needed advice on a situation in my current relationship.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together almost two years and I've noticed a certain pattern in our arguments that has begun to worry me. I am a very sensitive person and I often react to negative feelings of sadness, anger, or disappointment with tears, and while I realize this trait can be quite annoying both for myself and my partner his dismissal of these feelings is bothersome. He sometimes just flat out ignores the tears and just gets very annoyed until I stop. Other times he likes to tell me that I'm being ridiculous, I have no reason to be crying, I have no right to feel the way I do. Just today he got very cold to me after I made a comment about how he might want to wait to buy a video game as the price was super high. I had no malicious intent in this statement, I just didn't think it would be wise to spend 75 dollars on a game when he has very little money to begin with. Later I found out that he was mad because he had just bought us lunch (which cost a total of 15 dollars) and I didnt protest that money spent. After I made this comment a whole 2 hour silent treatment ensued where I was ignored, shrugged off him when I made any attempt at physical affection, and just overall given a pretty harsh cold shoulder. My crime in my mind didn't exactly fit this punishment so after being shrugged off for the third time I became emotionally upset. I tried to hide it but to no avail and he very rudely asked me what my problem was. I told him that he was acting cold towards me and ignoring me and after some prying I got it out of him that I was apparently being 'a earlier' and that he doesn't understand why he can't just not want to talk. He then went on to tell me that I have no reason to be crying and that if I was going to continue to act like this I should just go home. I tried to explain my feelings and he just kept saying I have no reason to be upset. He wouldn't even take into consideration the fact that he had hurt me. He didn't seem to care that I was upset. He just kept saying 'are you done yet?' I ended up trying to settle the score and I apologized for making him feel like I was okay with him spending money on me but not on something he wants. He did not apologize. I don't know what to do anymore because this is always how it goes, something upsets me, he asks what is upsetting me, I tell him and then I get berated about being overly sensitive and stupid. It just feels like my emotions aren't real to him..like they don't matter as much as his do? It bothers me the most not just because I feel like I can't really talk to him about these feelings, but because I'm so sensitive to his feelings. I felt extremely bad for making him feel the way he did about the game, even though it wasn't my intention to make him feel that way I still listened to his side and took it into consideration. I do this all the time and it would be nice to receive the same level of consideration. Maybe I'm overreacting he sure seems to think I was. I don't know what to do about it though. How do you communicate with someone who doesn't seem to recognize that they hurt you?

 

Just as a disclaimer: He is very caring and considerate in other all other aspects of our relationship. He's sweet and loving and would do practically anything for me. We are both young though and in our first serious relationship and there is a lot of learning to do on both sides. I love him very much and do not plan on breaking up with him but I would like some input on how to broach this subject without him feeling attacked or like he has to defend himself.

[Hollyj]

Your bf is emotionally abusive and highly manipulative.

 

Why are you with someone like this? It won't get better, it will get much worse.

 

Find someone who respects and cares about you. This guy does not.

 

"Just as a disclaimer: He is very caring and considerate in other all other aspects of our relationship. He's sweet and loving and would do practically anything for me. We are both young though and in our first serious relationship and there is a lot of learning to do on both sides."

I always love how someone describes an emotional abuser, then says what a great guy he is. No! He is not! If he can treat you this way, he is not sweet or loving!!!! This is very common. People that are in physically abusive relationships do the exact same thing. Denial is not safe or healthy. If you are young, then learn now what to look out for, so that you DO NOT repeat with this type of guy, again!

[Hollyj]

Please talk to your parents about this boy. I think that they should be aware of this.

[limichelle]

He sounds highly manipulative and I agree with Hollyj that he is emotionally abusive.

 

You need to get yourself the self respect you deserve and walk away. He won't ever change!

 

Lisa

[akusuka212]

Please talk to your parents about this boy. I think that they should be aware of this.

 

I agree with you, you should talk with your parents my dear

[catfeeder]

He then went on to tell me that I have no reason to be crying and that if I was going to continue to act like this I should just go home.

 

I would have just taken him up on that and gone home.

 

In fact, I'd preempt the whole power struggle by going home any time he goes cold and mistreats you. No drama, just a simple, "Well, the mood around here is pretty icy, and I have some stuff I can be doing. You can let me know if you'd like to get together again on better terms."

 

When someone mistreats you, the appropriate response is to walk away. That's how we teach people how to treat us. If the standoff continues, then the guy is not relationship material, and I'd allow him to keep his hostility to himself. I'd find better things to do with my time than stick around to try to manipulate someone who's manipulating me--that's messy kid stuff.

[No1]

I had to chuckle when you said "He would practially do anything for me". So he would do anything for you excpet make you happy, listen to you, make you feel good about yourself, be caring, giving, compationate, or even worry about how you feel. But hey, other than that he is perfect.

This is the type of guy that flat out does not respect you. Dont know where he got his lessons in love from but this is not how a relationship works. He is young and he can be taught that this type of treatment is not what you want. You are also young and you can learn how to change this type of behavior. You have to remember that we teach others on how we want to be treated. You said you dont want to break up with him, so where is the incentive for him to change? You can tell him that you dont accept this, but if you are not willing to walk away then what good are the talks? In order for things to change, you must be strong enough to walk away.

[skytrain]

I wouldn't go as far to say he's emotionally abusive. Language is powerful. Abusive to one might mean emotionally neglectful but abuse has such strong connotations.

 

He sounds emotionally immature. We learn to express our emotions as children. How we express them is somewhat based on how we were taught. If he grew up in a family where if there was a problem and no one talked about it he learns that behaviour through his family. I'd consider how his family communicates with one another.

 

You are young and still learning. Is his behaviour excusable? No. I as well am an emotional person. I cry easily. I know the root reasons. I try my best to control my crying spells when they happen but I do try to find other ways to cope. Crying is uncomfortable for many, if they were taught that crying is weakness. Accept this as a sad reality of our world and accept within yourself that this is who you are.

 

Explain to him that this is how you express your emotion. It's give and take. You are going to learn things you don't like about your partner and that's okay

[Hollyj]

I wouldn't go as far to say he's emotionally abusive. Language is powerful. Abusive to one might mean emotionally neglectful but abuse has such strong connotations.

 

He sounds emotionally immature. We learn to express our emotions as children. How we express them is somewhat based on how we were taught. If he grew up in a family where if there was a problem and no one talked about it he learns that behaviour through his family. I'd consider how his family communicates with one another.

 

You are young and still learning. Is his behaviour excusable? No. I as well am an emotional person. I cry easily. I know the root reasons. I try my best to control my crying spells when they happen but I do try to find other ways to cope. Crying is uncomfortable for many, if they were taught that crying is weakness. Accept this as a sad reality of our world and accept within yourself that this is who you are.

 

Explain to him that this is how you express your emotion. It's give and take. You are going to learn things you don't like about your partner and that's okay

 

Sorry, you are wrong! He is emotionally abusive. He berates her, gives her the silent treatment and makes her feel dismissed. This is emotional abuse, not neglect.

[skytrain]

Because he wanted to buy a video game and was a baby about it? Children give the silent treatment and throw a tantrum. It sounds more like a power struggle here. He was annoyed so he shut down (handling the situation immaturely). Through his actions she reacted and he dismissed it. He dismisses how she feels. He avoids communication. I suppose it could be considered emotional abuse if you want to label it.

 

It seems to me like miscommunication and lack of understanding eachother. To shut down about a video game is very ridiculous on his part.

 

I agree that his behaviour is inappropriate. 100%. I am just more careful with the language I choose.

[Batya33]

I agree he should not treat you coldly. He can validate your feelings and he can express his opinion on how you are expressing your feelings. For example, it would be uncomfortable if you got upset and started crying in front of his co-workers or boss. So on your end I would learn different ways of expressing feelings than crying or excuse yourself and go to the restroom or for a walk, etc if possible to calm down. Maybe subject him a bit less to your way of reacting to hurt feelings. On the specific situation, I don't think you should give him unsolicited input about how he chooses to spend his own money.

[Hollyj]

Because he wanted to buy a video game and was a baby about it? Children give the silent treatment and throw a tantrum. It sounds more like a power struggle here. He was annoyed so he shut down (handling the situation immaturely). Through his actions she reacted and he dismissed it. He dismisses how she feels. He avoids communication. I suppose it could be considered emotional abuse if you want to label it.

 

It seems to me like miscommunication and lack of understanding eachother. To shut down about a video game is very ridiculous on his part.

 

I agree that his behaviour is inappropriate. 100%. I am just more careful with the language I choose.

 

I wasn't looking at the one incident. She mentioned that this has been an ongoing problem in how he responds and speaks to her..

 

I stand by what I said.

[Wiseman2]

A few things. Don't tell him how to spend his money, that's none of your business..you are not his accountant, financial planner or wife. So use better boundaries there. Don't use 'tears and feelings' simply to get your way in arguments/nagging him. That never works.

 

If you start nagging someone about THEIR money expect a cold response. Let him cool off and stop running after him for hugs and understanding and so on. Just chill and let it blow over. While he shouldn't dismiss your feelings, allow yourself and him to cool down.

 

Keep in mind communication is about sharing info, listening as well as speaking it's not about droning on for hours on end in a monologue about only one person's feelings.

I made a comment about how he might want to wait to buy a video game as the price was super high. I had no malicious intent in this statement, I just didn't think it would be wise to spend 75 dollars on a game when he has very little money to begin with.

[skytrain]

I wasn't looking at the one incident. She mentioned that this has been an ongoing problem in how he responds and speaks to her..

 

I stand by what I said.

 

Ooooo gotcha! I stand corrected there's more to the story I'm sure

[tigerkitty]

This sounds like my previous relationship so much, I was overly emotional about things and he constantly put my feelings down and made me feel like I didn't matter. In my opinion you're both at fault, you for letting your emotions control you and effect your relationship so much and him for invalidating the way that you feel and shutting you out instead of trying to resolve any conflict.

 

It's hard but learn to keep your emotions in check a little, when you feel like crying from a comment he's made try and give yourself a pinch and a bit of a reality check. It isn't healthy for your whole mood to rely so heavily on how this one person treats you. Make yourself happy, don't rely on his affection and attention (or lack of) to dictate it how you feel on any given day.

 

I would also echo what another user here said: do NOT involve yourself in his finances. I did that with my ex and it was never ever welcomed or appreciated. You might want to save and build a nest and he might want to throw all his money away but at the end of the day you aren't married and it's his money. Hold your tongue next time!

[journeynow]

Sounds like you deal with stressful feelings by crying and/or talking about them, and he deals with stressful feelings by retreating. Al Turtle's website discusses this (termed clinger and avoider to describe the basic tendency for "feeling safe") and he might have some helpful information and advice for you to explore. My first impression is that you feel he dismisses you AND you dismiss him. A tricky blend if you want to build communication and resolve conflict. (He might have things he can change, but he is not here asking for advice, so my advice is for you since you can make changes yourself that might move things in a different direction.)

[Jaggialexis]

Thank you all for your responses. I realize I am at fault for trying to chime in on his finances. I was out of line in that respect. I do not actively try to use my emotional response to elicit an apology of some sort to him. I have always been this emotional and I have always cried when greeted with any negative emotions and it's a trait I wish I didn't have. I realize upon further analyzing the situation that it could appear to him that I'm using my emotions to try to manipulate him. Which is not the case but I can see how it could be viewed as such. I know I need to learn how to control my emotions. And just as a reference it hasn't always been this way..the first few times I got upset and cried he was caring but I think he's gotten fed up with how I react but him dismissing the emotion I'm feeling entirely makes me feel worse. We definitely were raised in wildly different environments, my family was supportive, emotional, and empathetic and his family was anything but. I would really like to bridge this communication gap so that when we have issues with each other they can be solved efficiently.

[Wiseman2]

When you feel yourself getting upset just say, 'crying helps me release my feelings'. But then let him cool off while you calm down.

I would really like to bridge this communication gap so that when we have issues with each other they can be solved efficiently.

[nutbrownhare]

One of the most useful pieces of advice I ever received was from a very old, wise therapist who told me: "In your next relationship, at the first sign of jealousy or sulking - get out. Because it isn't going to work!"

 

Your fella tries to control you by sulking, giving you the silent treatment and all the rest. For some people this is just the way they operate in the world, and it is impossible to communicate effectively with someone who handles conflict like this.

 

As catfeeder says, next time he tells you to go home, or equivalent - do it, and don't look back.

 

However, you also need to appreciate where your responsibility begins and ends. For example, if he chooses to do something with his own money, that's his business - and not yours to comment on critically. That holds true for all your relationships, not just this one.

[Batya33]

Crying isn't a trait -it's a reaction and you have a choice to react by crying or react in other ways, You could: do breathing exercises, walk away and explain that you need some space for a bit (if possible) - there are other ways to react to big emotions. Would you cry at work in front of your co-workers/boss? Certainly he should not give you the cold shoulder and I get that you're not using crying to manipulate but as a steady diet it can be hard to take.

 

It's great that you had a supportive family. Part of being a good parent, however, is knowing when to step away and let the child handle tough situations on his/her own -sometimes it's not age appropriate or beyond the child's capacity and other times it's a stretch but a necessary stretch to encourage growth and maturity. There's a balance and it wouldn't hurt if you could work on having a thicker skin -feel what you feel and react in a way that allows others to communicate with you. When you're crying in reaction to feeling an emotion often it's hard for the other person to communicate effectively. Of course that doesn't justify the silent treatment.

[Jaggialexis]

Let me rephrase..crying isn't a trait but it is the reaction I naturally have to my very sensitive nature. This sensitivity is the trait I have to address. The crying makes everything worse but in the end my own sensitivity is the root cause and the thing I have trouble coping with

[Batya33]

Let me rephrase..crying isn't a trait but it is the reaction I naturally have to my very sensitive nature. This sensitivity is the trait I have to address. The crying makes everything worse but in the end my own sensitivity is the root cause and the thing I have trouble coping with

 

Tearing up is often not within your control -but actually crying is, to a great extent unless it's in response to severe physical pain (or I suppose some severe emotional pain). You know how to stop yourself from crying -distraction, breathing, etc - because I am sure that you have done that in situations where it would be inappropriate to cry.

Your feelings are your feelings -how you react, almost entirely within your control.