he loves me, but he ignores me for weeks and it kills me (Long Dis)

[heavyheart]

I've come here because the love of my life is hurting me, and I don't understand his behavior, and most of all, I don't know if its ok.

 

This is a long distance relationship - Our only communication is online (we mostly text), phone or video. We travel when we can but it is very expensive and we both don't have much money.

 

We are at the best of times, insanely happy and very in love. I feel like I have a soul mate and that the distance doesn't matter because when I do see him its the best thing in the world. But we fight.... oh, we fight. It is volatile. We both are incredibly stubborn. I want to talk things out, and he just wants to leave. I will get upset about something - He will immediately get mad that I am blaming something on him, not want to discuss it with me - which causes me to get upset that he wont try to understand- so we fight.

 

He used to leave for an hour or so... and come back. Then it was a day.

 

Now it's going on a week. A week may not seem like a lot - But when you've not talked to him for more than a few minutes a week for a month prior to that because you're trying to support him withdraw and control his addiction to pain meds..... it seems like a lifetime.

 

When he was well enough to talk, he messaged me, and I found out that he had messaged me late in the day because he had been out with friends... My first reaction was to be offended - I just waited for you for a month and worried about you and your first point of call is to go out with your friends, not talk to me? So I confronted him, in a not so pleasant tone. Tried to explain why this upset me (I know I went about it the wrong way, I quite often do to be honest, I have that bitter tone when I say it). He sees my anger and responds with anger. "come on" is his favorite line when I get upset. A short, useless argument followed, and then he said "F**k this... I don't need this. I can't be around something thats going to make me not care if I'm sober". And he left. Now it's a week later and still nothing.

 

This is what I can't get over... I was patient...I did everything he asked of me. I was there for him, even though from afar...I gave him strength when I did hear from him, and offered everything even money to help. He was grateful, he seemed to truly miss me when he was sick. I knew this, so I was strong.

 

But all it took was me getting a little bit upset... and now he hasn't talked to me for a week when he is well enough to do so... he said its all he wanted. Nows hes not talking on PURPOSE. I feel like he thinks our arguing will make him sink back into drugs... but I am the one who has been HELPING him.

 

Is it right to ignore me? Why is he doing it and what is going through his MIND, that he can ignore the person he loves that has helped him with everything she has? At least try to talk to me, sort things out so we DONT fight, after we've calmed down.... but nothing.

 

I feel like he doesn't appreciate everything I do for him, and he doesn't care how much it KILLS me

(He has done this before - I have bad anxiety - He knows it kills me).

 

 

I love him to death and he has convinced me that he loves me to death too (the good times you have to understand are amazing, and he is amazing..., but he hurts me so so so bad when he ignores me like this, and most of the time it takes a lot of effort to get him to understand how much it does hurt me. How can a person make you feel so special and loved, and then flick a switch and make you feel like the most unappreciated, unimportant piece of s**t on this earth?

 

I often get so upset il call him over and over and over until he either gets mad that i'm spam calling him and yells at me or comes back to talk to me.

 

Has anyone been with someone like this, that uses the silent treatment to absolute extremes even though they know it really hurts you? What to do?

[1a1a]

Walk away.

 

I was with a guy who would go radio silent. It is a really Really REALLY ty way of communicating your displeasure with someone that crushes the soul of the recipient in the process. It wasn't the only reason we split but it was absolutely the straw that broke the camel's back.

 

Or don't, but ask yourself this, is silent treatment and being a low priority to him a price of admission you are willing to pay?

[Crank]

If you both can't freely communicate then it's not even a relationship.

[Levella]

It's not easy being in a relationship with an addict. I've been there. They are moody and become agitated easily. If he's still an addict, this behavior will continue. Until an addict decides that they want help, all you can do is be there for them.

 

The silent treatment is something I have also dealt with. Personally I couldn't stand it so I left the relationship and glad that I did.

 

Take some time for yourself and really look at this situation. Is he in need of help but isn't ready yet? If so you may want to step away from this and let him figure out his priorities. In the mean time, try to take some time for yourself instead of spending all of your time worrying about him. When he's ready, he'll get help.

[heavyheart]

It's not easy being in a relationship with an addict. I've been there. They are moody and become agitated easily. If he's still an addict, this behavior will continue. Until an addict decides that they want help, all you can do is be there for them.

 

The silent treatment is something I have also dealt with. Personally I couldn't stand it so I left the relationship and glad that I did.

 

Take some time for yourself and really look at this situation. Is he in need of help but isn't ready yet? If so you may want to step away from this and let him figure out his priorities. In the mean time, try to take some time for yourself instead of spending all of your time worrying about him. When he's ready, he'll get help.

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

He was determined to get rid of drugs, which is why he was so sick withdrawing. I gave him time and any support I could.... It is possible he has relapsed which is another reason why he may not be talking to me. I like to think that didn't happen but I'm starting to wonder. He made me feel as if I make him want to do drugs because i "want to fight all the time" (get upset sometimes) which in itself has made him ignore me before. I believe he came back after a week of me freaking out and being upset, and said "do you want me to die?", not caring I was upset, just flabbergasted that I didn't get that if we kept fighting he was going to die cause he wont be able to quit drugs. It made me feel like it was me he wanted to get rid of, but when I said that he always said "youre twisting my words, thats not what i said, i never said it was you", followed by "you'll never understand". Nothing I say or do could have been the right thing... he just doesn't think about the fact I was there as a constant pillar of support, the only person who cared, and instead thinks about how i should shut the f**k up and stop whinging or he is going to end up dead. This is the man who whisked me off my feet and made me love the world.... the same man.

 

I like the idea of taking some time for me.... It doesn't feel like my time. It feels like I have to be worried and sad until he comes back. It's Friday, and I dread the weekend.

 

I will try to make this one for me, as best I can.

[heavyheart]

Walk away.

 

I was with a guy who would go radio silent. It is a really Really REALLY ty way of communicating your displeasure with someone that crushes the soul of the recipient in the process. It wasn't the only reason we split but it was absolutely the straw that broke the camel's back.

 

Or don't, but ask yourself this, is silent treatment and being a low priority to him a price of admission you are willing to pay?

 

Thanks that is a good way of putting it... price of admission. That's what it feels like - I love the guy so damn much that I would give anything to be with him, but what is too much? I keep thinking he will get back to me and say how sorry he is and tell me how important I am to him, that he is grateful for my support..... but I just sit here with my thoughts for company, imagining what he's doing without me. It's no fun.

[shortnsweet14]

Your story is one that reminds me of my ex. I remember the spam calling texting and the desperation for him to talk to me. It was only on his terms.

As hard as this is to swallow, what I have learnt from being in an abusive relationship is that you are not responsible for someone else's behaviour. They choose the way they act and so do you.

From reading your post, I see a girl who's pouring her heart and soul into something and he just doesn't see that. IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO FIX HIM OR BE HIS NURSE. You are his girlfriend. If he cannot communicate effectively with you, what does that say about his effort?

If you were to separate your logical self from your emotional counter part, what do you think it would say?

Addicts are only looking out for themselves. Yes he may have been wonderful to you at the beginning, but that doesn't mean you should put up with that sort of behaviour.

You have a life too. What about your needs?

The hardest thing, I had to do was build the courage to leave my last relationship and believe me it's hard. You will cry, you will feel like your world is destroyed.. but time is the healer.

No one can tell you what to do, this is entirely your decision. But you owe it to yourself to love yourself enough to know when something or someone is not serving you or treating you right.

No one can ever give you the love you desire until you love yourself in the same way.

Life is too short, why sit around and wait for him to wake up and see how wonderful you are.

reading your story makes me remember my ex and how he ignored me and the fights got worse and worse.

I hope you find your happiness because you deserve it.

I believe difficult people were put on this earth for us to become stronger people and learn the pain of knowing what true love is really like.

[SherrySher]

I agree with the above poster.You cannot allow yourself to be emotionally manipulated over and over like this. He is saying things like.."do you want me to be dead"...as a way of control and for you to back down and to purposely upset you. This is what addicts do. You can't fix him, love will never be enough. He needs rehab or counselling or both.

 

You are not being appreciated or loved as you once had been. This will not change until he gets help. You can't love him enough to make him better...understand that.

The only thing that will help him is for him to want to change and for him to want to get help.

 

This cycle will not quit until HE makes the efforts to fix it, and if he doesn't...you need to be smart enough and strong enough to leave.

You have gotten so caught up in him him him, that you've forgotten who you are and what else in your life makes you happy and you need to get back to that...seriously.

You are allowing yourself to drown in his problems and if he will love you. You will drive yourself to very bad stress and be miserable if you don't step away and find your own happiness again.

 

One last thing, no one should ever belittle you as much as to make you practically beg for their time or their love...if it has come to that, then you must admit to yourself that this is not love.

You deserve better and only you can make that choice and stand up for yourself and your own happiness.

[catfeeder]

he loves me, but he ignores me for weeks

 

That's not love. You're building a fantasy 'around' someone who will feed it every few weeks.

 

I'd skip that.

[Waraqqa]

Giving silent treatments is immature and shows disregard and some kind of childish manipulation or utter cluelessness. If there is a conflict or a disagreement - which happens - a mature person with an ounce of caring and consideration would be willing to talk about it. Conflicts happen, but in a healthy relationships people have a problem-solving attitude, not silent and sulking. Some people get angry, and then they feel the need to walk away and cool off (perhaps to avoid saying or doing smth stupid), but that shouldn't be for days let alone weeks! I really don't see in any of your description how he cares about you. I'm afraid you are wasting your time.

[Tanzi]

Regardless of some amazing times, this relationship is pretty dysfunctional. Maybe your anxiety is pushing him away, it's hard to tell, but he doesn't seem to have much regard for your feelings anyway.

 

This is NOT love and he certainly doesn't sound like your soul mate. This wouldn't be happening is that were the case. I don't see a future in this, sorry.

[Heather Dawn]

So many odds stacked against you:

 

1. An LDR in which you rarely see each other in person, and...

 

2. An LDR where one person constantly disappears for long periods of time, offers the silent treatment, is not at all considerate of your feelings, and...

 

3. And LDR with an addict.

 

Walk away. This is bad news and won't end well.

[ThatwasThen]

You don't even know this guy. This is just one aspect of him you don't like. If you were to be in the same vicinity as him so that you could be face to face and in real life company of him on a regular basis, I'm sure there would be a whoel lot more that you don't like about him. This fantasy relationship of a perpetual honeymoon period is superficial at best.

 

What made you choose a guy that is so far away that you didn't actually have a true opportunity to get to know him? Is this an online meet or did you meet in person and circumstance has made it so he had to move away?

 

Why would you do this to yourself... continuing to be entangled with a part time lover who you see when you can afford it ... a guy that is addicted at that? Don't you believe you deserve more then the little you get from him?

[Wiseman2]

Sounds like a scammer. Sorry you got caught up in this. Cut all contact asap and report it.

Our only communication is online (we mostly text), I was there for him..and offered everything even money to help.How can a person make you feel so special and loved, and then flick a switch and make you feel like the most unappreciated, unimportant piece of s**t on this earth?

[ThatwasThen]

How can a person make you feel so special and loved, and then flick a switch and make you feel like the most unappreciated, unimportant piece of s**t on this earth?

That's a addict for you.

[Liraele]

Um, actually. Speaking as someone who has dealt with two partners and a few friends with severe addictions - him setting that boundary was pretty appropriate. Harsh, maybe. Could he have handled it better? Certainly. But appropriate all the same. If you are struggling with sobriety, encouraging relationships/conversations that drag you down and make you want to use your drug of choice...well. That's a no brainer. You, as the "loving, compassionate, supportive" partner need to look at how you're communicating and take into account the condition of the person you're communicating with. Does it suck? Yeah, probably. That's a choice you've got to make for yourself. You're also going to have to be the stronger person for a while.

 

That said, your relationship shouldn't be 90/10 in the effort department. It sounds like it is. Don't you think you deserve better?

 

It doesn't sound like either of you are particularly mature communicators. Long distance is hard under the best of circumstances, but GOOD and CLEAR communication is extra especially super duper important in LDR's - because it's so easy to mis-communicate. There are so many doubts. You don't get the reassurance that physical presence brings.

[heavyheart]

Your story is one that reminds me of my ex. I remember the spam calling texting and the desperation for him to talk to me. It was only on his terms.

As hard as this is to swallow, what I have learnt from being in an abusive relationship is that you are not responsible for someone else's behaviour. They choose the way they act and so do you.

From reading your post, I see a girl who's pouring her heart and soul into something and he just doesn't see that. IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO FIX HIM OR BE HIS NURSE. You are his girlfriend. If he cannot communicate effectively with you, what does that say about his effort?

If you were to separate your logical self from your emotional counter part, what do you think it would say?

Addicts are only looking out for themselves. Yes he may have been wonderful to you at the beginning, but that doesn't mean you should put up with that sort of behaviour.

You have a life too. What about your needs?

The hardest thing, I had to do was build the courage to leave my last relationship and believe me it's hard. You will cry, you will feel like your world is destroyed.. but time is the healer.

No one can tell you what to do, this is entirely your decision. But you owe it to yourself to love yourself enough to know when something or someone is not serving you or treating you right.

No one can ever give you the love you desire until you love yourself in the same way.

Life is too short, why sit around and wait for him to wake up and see how wonderful you are.

reading your story makes me remember my ex and how he ignored me and the fights got worse and worse.

I hope you find your happiness because you deserve it.

I believe difficult people were put on this earth for us to become stronger people and learn the pain of knowing what true love is really like.

 

If i separated my logical self from my emotional counter part, i would have left him. And yet I feel guilty for even saying that. Is that normal?

 

I have invested so much of myself in him, and him in me. Things were not always so bad. I know he is not treating me right, but I still hold that hope that it will change... however futile that hope is. I feel sick thinking about leaving, mostly because I can't imagine a world without him - because we planned our lives... we were each others counterpart... but I am sad more than I am happy.

 

I often think when he hurts me it is from pure cluelessness... that he has no idea what he is actually doing. So I forgive him time and again, because he eventually apologieses for hurting me... but if he really understood, why would he keep doing it? It's like he doesn't think about the consequences of his actions... maybe because he knows i would never leave him because i've never given him the slightest idea that I would, no matter how bad things were. Even when i'm really sad I choose sacrificing my own self worth for saving the relationship, I choose being with him over respecting myself, because I cant fathom living without him. I know this is sad... I don't know how to change it.

 

Thank you for your post, It makes me think outside of myself and I think that gives me strength.

[No1]

OMG, this guy is a Prince.. I think you should wait around forever for this guy. Sure-- things are not 100% perfect and those amazing times happen only once in a while but its worth it. The fighting, the arguing, the way how he makes you feel is nothing compared to the amazing times. This wonderful man ignores you for long periods of time. Doesnt appreciate all you do for him and yet you have found the most amazing man. Being supportive, devoted, sober are all over rated to be honest because you dont need any of those. You also dont need someone who will be there for you because right now, he is giving you your freedom, and that truly is a wonderful man. And its a LDR where you dont see one another because he is too poor and broke to see you. You are one very lucky lady

Hey to all the women out in ENA.. dont contact the OP for his number.. Heavyheart has already claimed this King/Prince.

[Wiseman2]

Because there are no consequences, you stay with him regardless of how poorly he treats you.

It's like he doesn't think about the consequences of his actions... maybe because he knows i would never leave him

[heavyheart]

OMG, this guy is a Prince.. I think you should wait around forever for this guy. Sure-- things are not 100% perfect and those amazing times happen only once in a while but its worth it. The fighting, the arguing, the way how he makes you feel is nothing compared to the amazing times. This wonderful man ignores you for long periods of time. Doesnt appreciate all you do for him and yet you have found the most amazing man. Being supportive, devoted, sober are all over rated to be honest because you dont need any of those. You also dont need someone who will be there for you because right now, he is giving you your freedom, and that truly is a wonderful man. And its a LDR where you dont see one another because he is too poor and broke to see you. You are one very lucky lady

Hey to all the women out in ENA.. dont contact the OP for his number.. Heavyheart has already claimed this King/Prince.

 

Thanks for your support.

[heavyheart]

Because there are no consequences, you stay with him regardless of how poorly he treats you.

 

Yes, I do, because I remember how he used to care about my feelings and tell myself he must be the same person. Trust me I hate myself more than I hate him for sticking around, but I have past issues that he has helped me with that caused me to cling onto him like a life support... and now things are turning into a nightmare, I have to work out how to let go. When I think of how impossible it seems I just feel sick because I wonder where I lost myself, and became this weak person and how to get myself back and let the negativity go without feeling so bad about it.

[MissCanuck]

This relationship is already over. He is proving that in his actions.

 

You just haven't accepted it yet.

 

But one day, you will. And then you will be so glad you didn't waste any more time on someone who's no longer into you.

[Wiseman2]

The thing to do is reach out to lots of people. Friends, family, coworkers, professionals to help you fill that void and decentralize him from your mind. Get involved in your interests

 

When you dilute his perceived importance this way, you will soon find that he will fade into the distance. Also you'll learn to swim on your own without a life preserver.

he has helped me with that caused me to cling onto him like a life support...

[heavyheart]

The thing to do is reach out to lots of people. Friends, family, coworkers, professionals to help you fill that void and decentralize him from your mind. Get involved in your interests

 

When you dilute his perceived importance this way, you will soon find that he will fade into the distance. Also you'll learn to swim on your own without a life preserver.

 

Thanks for your message. The thing is, it's been 13 days since he disappeared and I haven't even told anyone yet... I just try to act normal around my friends and family. I guess if I tell everyone then that' it, it's over. I don't know why I wait, because even if he does come back, I don't think I could live with myself if I forgave him. So I just feel sick all the time in the knowledge I'm about to break down pretty soon, let everyone know its over, and sink into depression again. I am just on the brink of it, and I don't want it to go down like that. I want to be stronger and I want to love myself and be happy and accept it.

[catfeeder]

I guess if I tell everyone then that' it, it's over. [...] I just feel sick all the time in the knowledge I'm about to break down pretty soon, let everyone know its over, and sink into depression again. I am just on the brink of it, and I don't want it to go down like that. I want to be stronger and I want to love myself and be happy and accept it.

 

Who says you need to 'go down'? I'd make it my private goal to surprise everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce back to create a fabulous life for myself.

 

THEN you can tell whoever you want and let them be amazed that you've been doing so well.

 

You get to plot your own story. If you want to turn it into a tragedy, you can do that--it's not against the law. But what's the point? Dis-illusion-ment isn't fun, but you don't need to break yourself over broken illusions that you built around someone who won't even show up in your life. You can grow beyond that, instead, and impress yourself.

 

Choose wisely.