vitacoco Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 My ex boyfriend broke up with me 3 months ago-- we were having problems, I was going through a rough time at work/life, and he was mad about some explicit texts he saw between me and a previous ex back from when he and I were just starting dating and not yet exclusive. It's hard for me to wrap my mind around it because I never sought the previous ex out, and I was nervous about my status with the new guy I was dating, so afraid it wouldn't work out, so without a commitment yet I just decided to reply to the other ex's texts just to 'keep my options open' in case the new guy didn't want to be with me. Even though the only one I really thought about and wanted was the then-new guy. So he broke up with me citing that reason and several others. But I really love him and I made it clear that I wanted him back. In the first month I was contacting him a lot. Now it's been 2 months with no contact. I know that you shouldn't reach out to the one who dumped you, but in this case I feel like I need to because I screwed up over the texts. Does my mistake justify texting him now, after months, to get back together? Or should I just wait for him to come to me? I really love him and thought he was the one. Some background: I was his first sexual experience, and he wasn't my first-- something that I think made the texts he saw look even worse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greta96 Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 You did not make a mistake. I'm not a fan of the casual dating/multidating before "the talk" is being had and exclusivity is established, but hey, for those who are, it goes both ways and applies to both partners. Everyone who practices this way of dating must do so with the understanding that the other person is fair game to everyone else, until they decide to make things official and exclusive. Your ex and you had not had 'the talk' at the time when you had that explicit exchange with your other ex, therefore he had no right to be upset. You should have reminded him on the spot that if he didn't want you engaging with other guys, he should have asked for commitment the moment he knew he wanted it with you. So stop telling yourself that you screwed up, because you didn't. Without commitment, you were just as single as he was, therefore allowed to do whatever you wanted, with whomever you wanted. Those who don't have the stomach to live with this american way of dating shouldn't be practicing it at all; if he knew he would get jealous and couldn't handle you being a free agent until he had 'the talk' with you, he should not have adhered to this rule and should have told you from day one that he wanted an exclusive relationship and commitment. I don't know how serious the other reasons for the breakup were, but if the breakup occurred mainly because of your "mistake" (which as we established was no mistake at all!), then you dodged a bullet and you shouldn't look back. Keep your no contact, because if you beg for him back when you didn't even do anything wrong, you will just teach him that you are easily manipulated and have a very low self esteem, and that doesn't bode well for a future relationship. If he realizes he made a mistake, he knows where to find you. In the future, it may be better to discuss your expectations with a new partner from the very beginning, to make sure your dating styles match. PS - your last line doesn't change anything, it just shows that he is an overly jealous and insecure guy and that as I said, you dodged a bullet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brutal555 Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 I hope that in those 2 months of no contact you realised that you don't really NEED him to be happy but you might just still WANT him. There's a difference between needing and wanting someone. By not texting him for 2 months you probably gave him time to forget all the bad stuff about the relationship. Whatever you do make sure to not make mistakes like: texting and calling all the time, begging or letting them walk all over you... If you've analyzed everything and you think that getting back with your ex is a good decision feel free to text him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nutbrownhare Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 It's been two months with no contact. In your own words, you 'screwed up', and after a month of trying in vain to get him to rethink - nothing's happened. Sadly, you need to let this one go. One of the things about 'keeping your options open' is that many people don't like to see themselves as 'options', and if the one you wanted was your new guy - it always helps to act like it, even if you aren't exclusive yet. Explicit texts with another guy don't help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JonnyD79 Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 Don't think of yourself as the one who messed up. Please stay No Contact though until you can come to realise that things just happened. It was his reaction that messed things up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vitacoco Posted August 10, 2016 Author Share Posted August 10, 2016 It's been two months with no contact. In your own words, you 'screwed up', and after a month of trying in vain to get him to rethink - nothing's happened. Sadly, you need to let this one go. One of the things about 'keeping your options open' is that many people don't like to see themselves as 'options', and if the one you wanted was your new guy - it always helps to act like it, even if you aren't exclusive yet. Explicit texts with another guy don't help. Some things to consider: we were long distance, and at that time I had traveled to him twice and he hadn't come to me yet. I was afraid he wasn't serious and would never visit. Another thing, I know for a fact he was texting at least one ex at that same time. I think it was all friendly/work related stuff, but still.. I can accept that he fell out of love with me or something like that. I can't accept that my mistakes caused this. It destroys me. I want him back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vitacoco Posted August 10, 2016 Author Share Posted August 10, 2016 deleted post Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vitacoco Posted August 10, 2016 Author Share Posted August 10, 2016 deleted post Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vitacoco Posted August 10, 2016 Author Share Posted August 10, 2016 I hate this type of dating too, and I only learned to do it by being jaded from dating. Other guys in the past would probably like me MORE if they knew I was keeping my options open. It's a relief to feel like I can't control the situation and that he will come back on his own if he wants too. I really hope this is the case. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vitacoco Posted August 10, 2016 Author Share Posted August 10, 2016 Don't think of yourself as the one who messed up. Please stay No Contact though until you can come to realise that things just happened. It was his reaction that messed things up. Do you think that me reaching out could ruin our chances of getting back together in the future? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vitacoco Posted August 10, 2016 Author Share Posted August 10, 2016 You did not make a mistake. I'm not a fan of the casual dating/multidating before "the talk" is being had and exclusivity is established, but hey, for those who are, it goes both ways and applies to both partners. Everyone who practices this way of dating must do so with the understanding that the other person is fair game to everyone else, until they decide to make things official and exclusive. Your ex and you had not had 'the talk' at the time when you had that explicit exchange with your other ex, therefore he had no right to be upset. You should have reminded him on the spot that if he didn't want you engaging with other guys, he should have asked for commitment the moment he knew he wanted it with you. So stop telling yourself that you screwed up, because you didn't. Without commitment, you were just as single as he was, therefore allowed to do whatever you wanted, with whomever you wanted. Those who don't have the stomach to live with this american way of dating shouldn't be practicing it at all; if he knew he would get jealous and couldn't handle you being a free agent until he had 'the talk' with you, he should not have adhered to this rule and should have told you from day one that he wanted an exclusive relationship and commitment. I don't know how serious the other reasons for the breakup were, but if the breakup occurred mainly because of your "mistake" (which as we established was no mistake at all!), then you dodged a bullet and you shouldn't look back. Keep your no contact, because if you beg for him back when you didn't even do anything wrong, you will just teach him that you are easily manipulated and have a very low self esteem, and that doesn't bode well for a future relationship. If he realizes he made a mistake, he knows where to find you. In the future, it may be better to discuss your expectations with a new partner from the very beginning, to make sure your dating styles match. PS - your last line doesn't change anything, it just shows that he is an overly jealous and insecure guy and that as I said, you dodged a bullet. I hate this type of dating too, and I only learned to do it by being jaded from dating. Other guys in the past would probably like me MORE if they knew I was keeping my options open. It's a relief to feel like I can't control the situation and that he will come back on his own if he wants too. I really hope this is the case. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vitacoco Posted August 10, 2016 Author Share Posted August 10, 2016 I hope that in those 2 months of no contact you realised that you don't really NEED him to be happy but you might just still WANT him. There's a difference between needing and wanting someone. By not texting him for 2 months you probably gave him time to forget all the bad stuff about the relationship. Whatever you do make sure to not make mistakes like: texting and calling all the time, begging or letting them walk all over you... If you've analyzed everything and you think that getting back with your ex is a good decision feel free to text him. Yeah I'm feeling like the space was needed on both sides. Now I'm reaching the breaking point of no contact and I'm wondering whether me reaching out would hurt my chances. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JonnyD79 Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 Do you think that me reaching out could ruin our chances of getting back together in the future? Yes. Most definitely. If you were meant to get back with him it would happen naturally without you having to reach out. Why do you want to get back with him? Ask yourself that question. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 How long were you dating? It sounds like he overacted a bit and you already explained/apologized. What were the other reasons? It would be best to stay no contact rather than attempt to reiterate all this. If he wanted to reconcile he would contact you.he was mad about some explicit texts he saw between me and a previous ex back from when he and I were just starting dating. he broke up with me citing that reason and several others. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vitacoco Posted August 10, 2016 Author Share Posted August 10, 2016 How long were you dating? It sounds like he overacted a bit and you already explained/apologized. What were the other reasons? It would be best to stay no contact rather than attempt to reiterate all this. If he wanted to reconcile he would contact you. The other reasons were distance -- we live 4 hours away-- and his really religious/conservative family didn't approve of me. I was trying to relocate to his city and still would if he wanted me back. We were together a year and I was his first relationship. I know we have a lot working against us but we had a special connection. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gary Snyder Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 Your love level means nothing if they don't love you back. You might consider finding a new guy. You'll get over this guy. Why beat a dead horse? We call them breakups because they are broken. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vitacoco Posted August 10, 2016 Author Share Posted August 10, 2016 He even told me he's still in love with me when we broke up, and said that if a certain situation was different- location- we'd be married by now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 Ok, it seems this incident was just the tipping point or even an excuse to breakup given these other major obstacles and incompatibilities.The other reasons were distance -- we live 4 hours away-- and his really religious/conservative family didn't approve of me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vitacoco Posted August 10, 2016 Author Share Posted August 10, 2016 Ok, it seems this incident was just the tipping point or even an excuse to breakup given these other major obstacles and incompatibilities. It's so hard to accept when I know he wanted to be with me forever at some point. I can't let it go. If I'd gone this long not talking to other exes I'd be so over them. But not this one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 Unfortunately you are holding on to something ephemeral that has expired. This was expressed then but is no longer. You are only hurting yourself by hanging on to a 'connection' which takes two to exist. There were too many other gross incompatibilities, his religion/culture, his parents disapproval and last but not least, the distance. He has probably moved on to someone local who is more consistent with his religion/culture. It sounds like this was not as serious for him as is was for you.he wanted to be with me forever at some point. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vitacoco Posted August 10, 2016 Author Share Posted August 10, 2016 Unfortunately you are holding on to something ephemeral that has expired. This was expressed then but is no longer. You are only hurting yourself by hanging on to a 'connection' which takes two to exist. He has probably moved on to someone local who is more consistent with his religion/culture. It sounds like this was not as serious for him as is was for you. What particularly makes you think that? I do think that his family is trying to find him a wife (dating is not allowed) but how do you think he's already with someone? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 As you mentioned his family will be arranging his marriage with someone they approve of, who is a virgin and the same faith..I do think that his family is trying to find him a wife (dating is not allowed) but how do you think he's already with someone? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vitacoco Posted August 10, 2016 Author Share Posted August 10, 2016 As you mentioned his family will be arranging his marriage with someone they approve of, who is a virgin and the same faith.. I think this is why I'm taking the breakup so badly. Not only is the situation absurd to me, but I keep asking myself why-- why did he do this to me, why did he date me in the first place. Why was I the one unlucky girl that got into a doomed relationship with him. There were other girls chasing him. He picked me to destroy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 He didn't destroy you, he led you on somewhat and you ignored major red flag thinking 'love conquers all', lessons learned. Other women saw the red flags and culture clash and ran, while you hoped you could overcome it, that's why he picked you. That's the way his culture operates, whether it's absurd to you or not. It may include sowing wild oats on 'loose modern women' while he marries a virgin in his own culture/faith.Why was I the one unlucky girl that got into a doomed relationship with him. There were other girls chasing him. He picked me to destroy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vitacoco Posted August 10, 2016 Author Share Posted August 10, 2016 He didn't destroy you, he led you on somewhat and you ignored major red flag thinking 'love conquers all', lessons learned. Other women saw the red flags and culture clash and ran, while you hoped you could overcome it, that's why he picked you. That's the way his culture operates, whether it's absurd to you or not. It may include sowing wild oats on 'loose modern women' while he marries a virgin in his own culture/faith. Um... ouch. By the way, those girls didn't run away from him. He chose not to be with them. He chose me instead. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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