my girlfriend loves her best friend

[KV8861]

girlfriend and I have been dating for about one and a half years now. It's been a very healthy relationship, very happy and full of love, up until last night. My girlfriend has a best friend, his name is Jordan, and they have been friends for at least five years. There was one point in their relationship when my girlfriend had very strong feelings for him, but he did not feel the same way. Now that it's about three years later, he is starting to have strong feelings for her. She is told him many many times that she is in a committed relationship with me, and she does not wish to pursue him. They've been spending quite a lot of time together these last couple weeks because he is going away to a different college upstate. They've spent pretty much every day together for the past three weeks and I didn't think much of it because they're best friends and it's nice for her to get out the house while I'm working. She told me last night that because they were spending so much time together her attraction level has again risen for him. She told me she felt guilty and that she needed to tell me because she felt like she was cheating on me. She tells me that she still wishes to be with me and that Her friend will just have to stop pursuing her in the way that he has. I have course told her that I would support her decision that she made and help her throughout the process of telling him that they can no longer do this. After all it's very very hard to tell your best friend of five years that they'll have to stop seeing each other if he continues to pursue her.

 

I'm caught between two mentalities. One the mentality of if you love me then there should be no contest. You should not have to second-guess, you shouldn't have feelings for anyone else if you truly love the person. And two, The mentality of knowing that human emotions happen. If two people spend a considerable amount of time together it's very very possible that feelings may arise especially if they've been there before. But I'm just not sure what to do now. I didn't get much sleep last night, tossing and turning over the situation and over everything that she dumped on me in only about four hours. I was just shocked that the love of my life, the person who always talks about marrying me, would confess her love to someone else. I'm not sure what to do.

[Wolfshook]

1) this guy's an , pursuing his "friend" that is in relationship is really idiotic (if he is her friend he should support her in her love life rather trying to destroy it), I hope somebody kicks his sleezy ass.

 

2) She has the ability to get away from him, if she doesnt do that then dude I'm sorry but this will happen even after he moves further with other people that get into her life.

 

My sources? I have a best friend that is female and I mixed up my feelinga for her after bu, but I never told her about this because it would be sleezy...

[Wiseman2]

Actually she's confessing her attraction and feelings, not his. What do you think her motivation was for telling you this?

 

Strangely she seems to switch hit between claiming she's hot for him but he's the only one pursuing this? Isn't that a bit confusing?

She told me last night that because they were spending so much time together her attraction level has again risen for him. She tells me that she still wishes to be with me and that Her friend will just have to stop pursuing her in the way that he has.

[ThatwasThen]

Its not hard at all to set up boundaries with someone that is crossing them. Your girlfriend just needs to tell him that spending one on one date like times together is a breach of a very fundamental relationship boundary cross and when they see each other from now on, it has to be as a group with you there also.

 

If buddy doesn't like it then he can stay away.

 

Neither of them should have continued on in the friendship when one had feelings for the other... that's just nuts imo and this situation is exactly what happens more times then not when one pretends to want to continue platonically.

[ControlDenied]

Whatever you do will help set the foundation to the type of relationship you will have in the future. If you allowed yourself to be treated with disrespect, this is what is going to continue to happen. If you act like a whimp, you will be treated like one.

If you allowed your woman to distance emotially from you, you did something wrong.

Learn from this.

I would do this:

I would tell her that I dont want to be in a relationship where one party allows themselves to get emotionally involved with someone else.

I would tell her that I know I had a role to play on that because I should have paid attention to her and the relationship during the last few weeks.

I will tell her is much better this happens now than after 3 years marriage when we have a mortgage and kids.

- I will tell her that I want to take a break from the relationship to assess if this is what you want to do.

- I will tell her that I do this because I respect her and you dont want to ruin something potentially great by not getting to the bottom of it.

[KV8861]

She has admitted her rising feelings for him, but tells me she's done nothing to pursue him. She's admitted to the butterflies in her stomach, feeling certain things around him, ext. He, on the other hand, pursues her in a more physical way. Putting his arm around her or doing things that make her a little uncomfortable. Once she tells him to stop, he will and that'll be that. But the fact that he can't respect her boundaries enough to keep away is what makes me furious.

[ThatwasThen]

If you allowed your woman to distance emotionally from you, you did something wrong.

If he "allowed" her to distance herself? That is a statement that implies that he has control over someone other then himself when, of course, the only people we have control over is ourselves.

 

All he could have done was to tell her that he didn't think her spending so much time with someone that has proclaimed to have romantic feelings towards her was such a good idea. Hopefully she'd be smart enough to realize and end the one on one time with him. Turns out she's not smart enough to figure that little gem out on her own.

[ControlDenied]

If he "allowed" her to distance herself? That is a statement that implies that he has control over someone other then himself when, of course, the only people we have control over is ourselves.

 

All he could have done was to tell her that he didn't think her spending so much time with someone that has proclaimed to have romantic feelings towards her was such a good idea. Hopefully she'd be smart enough to realize and end the one on one time with him. Turns out she's not smart enough to figure that little gem out on her own.

 

You are right. However, he does have control over the type of relationship they have. He could have himself spend time with her. This is how relationships die, couples get in autopilot mode and then someone else shows up...

[DancingFool]

1) As you yourself understand, love is just an emotion and emotions are not constant. They ebb and flow. Basically, just because you love someone and are in a relationship, doesn't make you dead to the world or immune from developing a crush. Having said that, loyalty to your relationship despite what life throws your way IS a choice that you control at all times. It may not always be an easy choice, but it is an active, conscious choice. In other words, you can have a crush and stay 100% loyal and dedicated to your relationship and the longer the relationship the more challenges like that might arise. The idea that love makes you blind and dead to the world is a myth.

 

2) Absolutely do not speak to this guy or try to tell him or your gf that they should stop talking to each other. That is never ever your place to do. If she feels that she is violating the boundaries and loyalty of her relationship, it's up to her to reduce or cut off contact with this guy and she is perfectly capable of that IF she wants to assert boundaries that is. She is not some helpless damsel in distress, she is an active participant in all of this and she is perfectly capable of defining boundaries and distancing herself as needed.

 

3) It's kind of weird and inappropriate that she told you about this and I would actually ask her why on earth she felt like sharing this information with you AND what is she planning to do about the situation. Then I'd sit back and listed carefully and make my decisions accordingly about the future of the relationship and whether I still see this person as a worthwhile loyal partner for life or not so much.

[ThatwasThen]

You are right. However, he does have control over the type of relationship they have. He could have himself spend time with her. This is how relationships die, couples get in autopilot mode and then someone else shows up...

 

What is he suppose to do when he's at work and they both don't work though? He clearly says

They've spent pretty much every day together for the past three weeks and I didn't think much of it because they're best friends and it's nice for her to get out the house while I'm working.

He trusted her but even if the intent wasn't there to have anything with her "friend" when you are spending bonding time with someone then this kind of thing happens.

 

Unfortunately too many people don't realize that most (all?) emotional affairs begin with zero intentions of catching romantic feelings for their "friend" or "colleague" or any other person of the opposite sex they are doing bonding rituals with.

[KV8861]

If he "allowed" her to distance herself? That is a statement that implies that he has control over someone other then himself when, of course, the only people we have control over is ourselves.

 

All he could have done was to tell her that he didn't think her spending so much time with someone that has proclaimed to have romantic feelings towards her was such a good idea. Hopefully she'd be smart enough to realize and end the one on one time with him. Turns out she's not smart enough to figure that little gem out on her own.

 

 

 

 

Trust me. Her and I have had long talks about Jordan. I've told her again and again that I don't like him, but I don't want to be the one to take away her best friend. I understand they've been through a lot together, but when does the bulls*** end? Where do we cross the line? He's overstepped his boundaries a countless number of times and she continues to assure me that she'll talk to him or take care of it instead of just ending this toxic friendship because she afraid of losing his friendship. (At least that's what she tells me) I've tried telling her again and again that she may just want his friendship, but he doesn't. He has his mind on one thing and one thing only, but she just won't let him go.

[ThatwasThen]

Trust me. Her and I have had long talks about Jordan. I've told her again and again that I don't like him, but I don't want to be the one to take away her best friend. I understand they've been through a lot together, but when does the bulls*** end? Where do we cross the line? He's overstepped his boundaries a countless number of times and she continues to assure me that she'll talk to him or take care of it instead of just ending this toxic friendship because she afraid of losing his friendship. (At least that's what she tells me) I've tried telling her again and again that she may just want his friendship, but he doesn't. He has his mind on one thing and one thing only, but she just won't let him go.

You telling her you don't like him and blaming him for all of this when it was your girlfriend that wasn't minding relationship boundaries didn't work. She is the one in the relationship so she is the one that needed to adhere to very basic romantic relationship boundaries and keep away from someone she clearly knew had intent in his interaction with her.

She's either an attention junkie or she is just plain naïve and dumb about what is right and wrong to be doing when you're in a committed relationship.

 

I don't know how you'll ever trust her to be around him again and frankly, if she doesn't hitch up her gurl parts and tell him directly that she's not spending anymore one on one time with him when he asks to 'date' her again, then you should be a smart dude and dump her so she can have him.

 

You can't control her but you can tell her what you think and if she doesn't volunteer to put up that boundary then you control you and get yourself away so you can find someone that thinks you're the significant one.

 

Frankly its almost like she told you so that you'd do the breaking up and she wouldn't have to be the bad guy. Is she really that stunned that she didn't just put a stop to the friendship without causing you all this anxiety? Geeesh!

[KV8861]

You telling her you don't like him and blaming him for all of this when it was your girlfriend that wasn't minding relationship boundaries didn't work. She is the one in the relationship so she is the one that needed to adhere to very basic romantic relationship boundaries and keep away from someone she clearly knew had intent in his interaction with her.

 

I don't know how you'll ever trust her to be around him again and frankly, if she doesn't hitch up her gurl parts and tell him directly that she's not spending anymore one on one time with him when he asks to 'date' her again, then you should be a smart dude and dump her so she can have him.

 

We've had that conversation as well. From what she tells me, she's concerned with losing him as a friend because she believes his mentality is "If I can't have her as a lover, we can't talk at all". I've told her so many times that's not a f****** friendship. If that's how she thinks he feels, he no longer cares about the awesome friendship they used to have, he just wants to be with her romantically. She doesn't have a lot of friends so she's just desperately clinging onto this dude because of the relationship they used to have. Not what it is now. It's just so frustrating because the dude treats her like this little plaything to use emotionally at his whim and I'm ovet here, trying to get her to realize that this s*** isn't healthy. It's not even a friendship for gods sake. I just don't want to give her he ultimatum of "give up your best friend or I leave" because I don't feel like that's my place to do.

[ThatwasThen]

I'll add:

After all it's very very hard to tell your best friend of five years that they'll have to stop seeing each other if he continues to pursue her.

This is akin to absolving her of all and blaming it all on him. SHE is the one that allowed this to happen by enabling it. I'd be telling her that if it were me. They shouldn't have been spending one on one time together when she knew he has romantic feelings for her. That was her boundary cross... not his.

 

Spending all that time with him when SHE had the initial "strong feelings for him" was the worst kind of relationship boundary she could have let down for him.

[ControlDenied]

You can't control her. But you CAN control what you subject yourself to.

The BS will only end when you say so. Look what being accomodating got you into.

[Wiseman2]

She heavily encourages his attention and crushing by hanging out constantly. Also she claims to have attraction to/feeling for him, so it's not a one-way street.

 

To me it sounds like you are in the friendzone listening to her growing romance with this guy. It sounds like she is obliquely telling you she's just about almost cheating and she's choosing him but to assuage her guilt she's 'telling you about it'.

She has admitted her rising feelings for him, but tells me she's done nothing to pursue him. She's admitted to the butterflies in her stomach, feeling certain things around him, ext.

[KV8861]

I'll add:

This is akin to absolving her of all and blaming it all on him. SHE is the one that allowed this to happen by enabling it. I'd be telling her that if it were me. They shouldn't have been spending one on one time together when she knew he has romantic feelings for her. That was her boundary cross... not his.

 

Spending all that time with him when SHE had the initial "strong feelings for him" was the worst kind of relationship boundary she could have let down for him.

 

That's a very good point. Man, I just don't know what to do from here. I don't even know what to say to her. I'm so pissed at this entire situation. Him, her, myself for letting it get this far. Any ideas of what I should say to her tonight?

[DancingFool]

We've had that conversation as well. From what she tells me, she's concerned with losing him as a friend because she believes his mentality is "If I can't have her as a lover, we can't talk at all". I've told her so many times that's not a f****** friendship. If that's how she thinks he feels, he no longer cares about the awesome friendship they used to have, he just wants to be with her romantically. She doesn't have a lot of friends so she's just desperately clinging onto this dude because of the relationship they used to have. Not what it is now. It's just so frustrating because the dude treats her like this little plaything to use emotionally at his whim and I'm ovet here, trying to get her to realize that this s*** isn't healthy. It's not even a friendship for gods sake. I just don't want to give her he ultimatum of "give up your best friend or I leave" because I don't feel like that's my place to do.

 

 

She has been showing you who she is for a long long time, it would seem. What you haven't accepted yet is that she knows what she is doing good and well and she CHOOSING to do it anyway.

 

So, you are right that you can't control other people, you can't tell others what they can and cannot do or who to be friends with or what boundaries to maintain. You only control yourself and the choices you make. Your choice so far has been to keep putting up with a whole lot of bs with this girls instead of showing her the door a long long time ago. Imho, it's long past due that you tell her to take a hike, but you need to arrive at that conclusion yourself. I just hope you get there before you totally wreck yourself over this.

[KV8861]

You can't control her. But you CAN control what you subject yourself to.

The BS will only end when you say so. Look what being accomodating got you into.

 

I just don't understand how me trusting her could turn into this s*** storm. She always told he she'd take care of it, but she never has.

[ThatwasThen]

We've had that conversation as well. From what she tells me, she's concerned with losing him as a friend because she believes his mentality is "If I can't have her as a lover, we can't talk at all". I've told her so many times that's not a f****** friendship. If that's how she thinks he feels, he no longer cares about the awesome friendship they used to have, he just wants to be with her romantically. She doesn't have a lot of friends so she's just desperately clinging onto this dude because of the relationship they used to have. Not what it is now. It's just so frustrating because the dude treats her like this little plaything to use emotionally at his whim and I'm ovet here, trying to get her to realize that this s*** isn't healthy. It's not even a friendship for gods sake. I just don't want to give her he ultimatum of "give up your best friend or I leave" because I don't feel like that's my place to do.

It's not your place to tell her what to do. What IS your place is to tell her what your boundaries are, which should be that she can have her friend but you're not going to be here if she continues on when she's clearly told you that she is crushing on him again. If she keeps this up then they WILL end their emotional affair and promotion it to a physical one.

 

He is NO friend if he would help her along with her feelings for him knowing she is in a relationship and I suspect that once he knows he has her or that he's caused this kind of wedge in yours and hers emotional connection to one another, then he'll once again, not have those kinds of feelings for her.

 

Up to you what you do but I don't know one man that would stick around if she keeps on with him. Not one.

[KV8861]

She has been showing you who she is for a long long time, it would seem. What you haven't accepted yet is that she knows what she is doing good and well and she CHOOSING to do it anyway.

 

So, you are right that you can't control other people, you can't tell others what they can and cannot do or who to be friends with or what boundaries to maintain. You only control yourself and the choices you make. Your choice so far has been to keep putting up with a whole lot of bs with this girls instead of showing her the door a long long time ago. Imho, it's long past due that you tell her to take a hike, but you need to arrive at that conclusion yourself. I just hope you get there before you totally wreck yourself over this.

 

Another good point. I don't want to break it off just yet because I feel like I might be missing some vital info or something. Like I haven't got the whole story from her. I'm just not sure what to say to her tonight.

[ThatwasThen]

I just don't understand how me trusting her could turn into this s*** storm. She always told he she'd take care of it, but she never has.

Then if she never has, you should have left so that she could have him. He's more important to her then you if she chooses being with a man she is attracted to and who is encouraging her to act on that attraction. He's dazzling her with his science... just like he did when she liked him before but he didn't like her that way.

 

Trust has nothing to do with the laws of attraction. Hence why we as committed couples need those boundaries I talk about often which includes no spending one on one time with opposite sex friends when you're in a relationship with someone else.

[Blue Ridge]

I might be in the minority here, but I think her telling you about it was the most mature and respectful thing she could have done. I worked at a popular bar for many years and saw a lot of affairs happen, and it was always the same thing: people beginning to bond with a coworker, then begin share the things with them that they'd have usually shared with their significant other. The more they share with coworker, the less they share at home, the growing apart begins, and then comes cheating. She told you before it was too late in my view, so she clearly doesn't want anything to happen and still sees you as her partner. I wouldn't do anything that might "punish" her for being forthright, and make her not feel safe to in the future. As for her, the right decision is crystal clear. She needs to cut this guy out of her life completely. You can't "make" her, but you can help her to see this from your (and most anyone objective's) perspective.

[Wiseman2]

This is all the vital info you need: "She has admitted her rising feelings for him"

I might be missing some vital info or something

[ControlDenied]

I just don't understand how me trusting her could turn into this s*** storm. She always told he she'd take care of it, but she never has.

 

It turn into this because you are a nice man.

 

This is what happen to nice men when they act nicely, reality hit them in the face.

 

Make yourself into a man worthy of respect; only then women will respect you. You do this by being firm, ethical, respectfull, and above all you respect yourself first.