jah234 Posted August 3, 2016 Share Posted August 3, 2016 was seeing a guy, became a push and pull relationship, i got sick of it and ended it. went no contact for about 6 weeks until he called to check in on me, saw him in person after that and he shook my hand and wouldn't make eye contact. I got promoted and he called to congratulate me and we talked as if as normal friends, he even offered to help me pack up my apartment everything seemed to be back to normal. Then we had a BBQ at work a few days after our call, and he went back to the weird behavior again, shaking my hand and not looking at me, and avoiding me. i approached him about it this time and asked him why he wouldn't look at me while i was talking to him, he smiled and said he cant. i said what do you mean you cant, he said he's not over it. i tried to continue a platonic conversation with him abut football and other friendly things and although he would respond, he was very fidgety and playing with his phone and turning his back, etc. i grew very angry and just walked away. i am pissed because i dont get his behavior especially since it flipped flopped so much in such a short period of time. over the phone he is normal, but in person he shakes my hand and avoids eye contact and stays away from me . what is his deal? I took him up on his offer to help me pack and he told me he would get back to me and never did so i confronted him about it and he said that he cant be around me or look at me and cant be at my house. He admitted that he thought he was over it but the distance between us has made it worse. he says that i look even better than i did before and he doesn't trust himself around me. he asked me how i felt about it and said i should feel good about that. he then went on to say that he cant look at me or be around me because he isn't over me. i told him that i was shocked because i honestly was because his behavior to me showed that he wasn't interested and he said that isn't the case... i dont understand how not being over someone equates to this behavior. this really hurts and i just need some perspective as to whats going on because i cant put myself in his she's to understand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted August 3, 2016 Share Posted August 3, 2016 You broke up with him. Why do you expect to still be in his life? Leave him alone so that BOTH of you can get over one another. This pairing was never meant to be if you needed to break up with him because of the "come here/go away" dynamic. Zero contact will help YOU to not need him in your life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ControlDenied Posted August 3, 2016 Share Posted August 3, 2016 It seems to me that you like the attention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gp11a Posted August 3, 2016 Share Posted August 3, 2016 He's being childish, playing games with you, and trying to make you feel bad for dumping him... but you are also unrealistically expecting him to suddenly turn into friends with you... which I do not think is going to happen. Why would you agree to meet up with after 6 weeks and not think he doesn't want to get back together? You ended the relationship for a reason, isn't all of this justifying your decision? I think you should feel good, not bad, here... and go no contact again (and move on). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jah234 Posted August 3, 2016 Author Share Posted August 3, 2016 You broke up with him. Why do you expect to still be in his life? Leave him alone so that BOTH of you can get over one another. This pairing was never meant to be if you needed to break up with him because of the "come here/go away" dynamic. Zero contact will help YOU to not need him in your life. who said anything about needing him in his life. i never contacted him, he contacted me to be friends and that is exactly what i tried to be thorium. it baffles me when people give advise about moving on when you all know that realistically just because a relationship ends does NOT mean that the feelings end with it. i didn't ask advice on what do, i asked for perspective of his behavior. why offer to help with something if you had no intentions of actually following through, why initiate contact to be friends when in reality you cant handle it? thats what i am asking. it doesn't matter who broke up with who, i just want some understanding in regards to his behavior Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jah234 Posted August 3, 2016 Author Share Posted August 3, 2016 It seems to me that you like the attention I'm not even going to dignify this with a response... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jah234 Posted August 3, 2016 Author Share Posted August 3, 2016 He's being childish, playing games with you, and trying to make you feel bad for dumping him... but you are also unrealistically expecting him to suddenly turn into friends with you... which I do not think is going to happen. Why would you agree to meet up with after 6 weeks and not think he doesn't want to get back together? You ended the relationship for a reason, isn't all of this justifying your decision? I think you should feel good, not bad, here... and go no contact again (and move on). he never mentioned anything about getting back together and the friend thing was his idea. judging by our phone convo that he initiated, i thought things were ok but in person it was a different story. i still love him unfortunately but his behavior now is so wish washy and its confusing... i just want to understand from a males perspective why he may be acting this way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capricorn3 Posted August 3, 2016 Share Posted August 3, 2016 was seeing a guy, became a push and pull relationship, i got sick of it and ended it he said that he cant be around me or look at me and cant be at my house. He admitted that he thought he was over it but the distance between us has made it worse. he says that i look even better than i did before and he doesn't trust himself around me. he then went on to say that he cant look at me or be around me because he isn't over me. . "WHY IS HE AVOIDING ME?" I believe he answered that by his words to you, above. ^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gp11a Posted August 3, 2016 Share Posted August 3, 2016 he never mentioned anything about getting back together and the friend thing was his idea. judging by our phone convo that he initiated, i thought things were ok but in person it was a different story. i still love him unfortunately but his behavior now is so wish washy and its confusing... i just want to understand from a males perspective why he may be acting this way. Oh, okay. I think when someone who has been dumped asks to be friends, it's their way of still trying to be involved in the other person's life... but usually hoping that things will work out and they'll get back together. Maybe he really thought he could do it, but obviously he was wrong. He's doing it all wrong, though... which is why I thought he is just trying to get a reaction out of you and enjoys seeing you upset since you hurt him. He could be hurting and just showing it in an overly-dramatic way (avoiding eye contact, turning his back, playing with phone? shaking hands??), which I think it would be most fair to him to give him more space and go no contact. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ControlDenied Posted August 3, 2016 Share Posted August 3, 2016 He is behaving this way because he likes you. He is trying to read from your behavior. He wants you to like him. He thinks that by being there for you, you might want him back. I only said "you liked the attention" because 'you took him up on the offer to help you pack'... Women give mixed signals all the time and this was a mixed signal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ParisPaulette Posted August 3, 2016 Share Posted August 3, 2016 What is his deal? Not sure, but likely he was never the one upset by his wishy-washy behavior, it suited him just fine. You were the one who was and so you decided, as is your right, to end things and walk away. This does not mean he's going to be happy about that or that he will see it the same way. I had an ex like this too. "What was your deal, I was happy," when I broke things off. Of course what that meant was he was happy making plans with me at the last minute when his other plans fell through. He was fine with that, but I was not. I wanted to be a choice, not an option. So I learned a valuable lesson, what I want matters and if I'm not happy and the people I'm with do not mesh with me in many ways there is no point in taking things further. And so I didn't. This did not mean I didn't still have feelings, this didn't mean the ex didn't have feelings. It just meant we were not a good match and could not get on the same page about what we wanted. I think this is a similar thing with you two. And if you two were physically intimate I'd be willing to guess he's hoping for more of that, and got a bit upset when that didn't happen. Or that he's upset you weren't content to accept what he could give you when he could and nothing more, but still this doesn't mean you two can ever get on the same page really. You've tried several times now both dating-wise and friendship-wise and found you just can't. So this is what's going on. You both are a mismatch on what each of you wants and needs. That's it. I'm sorry, but a wishy washy push/pull relationship is pretty much a dead giveaway that there is a serious mismatch somewhere. Friendship is definitely not going to work any better. Also to be blunt people who blow hot and cold can have their own hard time letting go of someone who put up with it, for even a time period, because most people just won't at all. He may actually just not have a lot of friends or people willing to put up with him, so he was feeling lonely and a bit desperate for company too. Just my two cents on what may be going on, in the end none of us are in his head, just this is what my experiences with similar people have been about and like and that's all I can give you is my own experiences.. At the end of the day though, no matter which way you slice it, it just sounds like it's not going to work out on any level. You need to go NC and move forward and find someone you're more compatible with on any level. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeartGoesOn Posted August 3, 2016 Share Posted August 3, 2016 Besides this being an almost identical thread from about a week ago, I'm confused as to why you're showing so much anger towards someone you chose to break up with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capricorn3 Posted August 3, 2016 Share Posted August 3, 2016 I'm confused as to why you're showing so much anger towards someone you chose to break up with. I was thinking the same thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanzi Posted August 3, 2016 Share Posted August 3, 2016 He's being wishy washy because he is feeding from your own wishy washy behaviour/mixed signals. You are both trying to read something from the other without truly knowing what is going on in the other's mind. He's hoping you want more but can't really work out what you want. I'm not sure from your post what you want to be honest ... or what you expect but if you want to stick by your reasons for ending the relationship then you need to stop getting mad at him for being confused. Leave him be and let him move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
j.man Posted August 3, 2016 Share Posted August 3, 2016 Because he loves you! There. Now that you've got the answer you were looking for, we can all go to bed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted August 3, 2016 Share Posted August 3, 2016 i didn't ask advice on what do, i asked for perspective of his behavior. why offer to help with something if you had no intentions of actually following through, why initiate contact to be friends when in reality you cant handle it? thats what i am asking. it doesn't matter who broke up with who, i just want some understanding in regards to his behavior Nobody knows why he's doing what he's doing. Maybe you should try to figure out what you want and why you are doing what YOU are doing. Didn't you ask this same question last week? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted August 3, 2016 Share Posted August 3, 2016 Besides this being an almost identical thread from about a week ago, I'm confused as to why you're showing so much anger towards someone you chose to break up with. I agree. The psychology behind a dumper "being available" to friendship and trying to figure out the ex. That's what is most interesting to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted August 3, 2016 Share Posted August 3, 2016 Because he loves you! There. Now that you've got the answer you were looking for, we can all go to bed. Oh, I see. Yes, yes, ego boost. Good night! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jah234 Posted August 3, 2016 Author Share Posted August 3, 2016 Oh, I see. Yes, yes, ego boost. Good night! ego boost??? really??? you really have a lot of nerve! Just because someone breaks up with someone does NOT mean that the feels dissipate with it. Im sure you know that. Im not going to air all the details abut my relationship on here but it was something that i had to do not necessarily what i wanted. In regards to why i still care is for that very reason. None of that should matter. I asked to help me understand his behavior, why? because understanding why he is acting this way will help me move on and not take it so personal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jah234 Posted August 3, 2016 Author Share Posted August 3, 2016 He's being wishy washy because he is feeding from your own wishy washy behaviour/mixed signals. You are both trying to read something from the other without truly knowing what is going on in the other's mind. He's hoping you want more but can't really work out what you want. I'm not sure from your post what you want to be honest ... or what you expect but if you want to stick by your reasons for ending the relationship then you need to stop getting mad at him for being confused. Leave him be and let him move on. I want to understand why he is being wishy washy, thats it! I'm not giving mixed signals I'm not sure where you are getting this from. I will say it again, if he is trying to get over me, then why still reach out, why offer to help and then retract?? why act weird and uncomfortable when i see him in person?....those are mixed signals because they dont make sense. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted August 3, 2016 Share Posted August 3, 2016 You're the one choosing to stay involved in a "push and pull" relationship despite ending it. That's self torture, have you noticed? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted August 3, 2016 Share Posted August 3, 2016 who said anything about needing him in his life. i never contacted him, he contacted me to be friends and that is exactly what i tried to be thorium. You're the one here asking why he's not being your friend when you should be the one saying to yourself: "No wonder I broke up with him, now I need to ignore him and do what I can to get him out of my system for good because all we do is break up and never get to the blissful stage of indifference to one another so that we can find suitable partners." it baffles me when people give advise about moving on when you all know that realistically just because a relationship ends does NOT mean that the feelings end with it. No kidding... where in there did I say it would be easy. I just said that zero contact is what YOU need to get over your need of him and those "feeeelings" you are still harbouring still. You have an addiction to him and it's unhealthy that you keep allowing him to reel you in only to disappoint once again. i didn't ask advice on what do, i asked for perspective of his behavior. Why do you need that? Its that kind of fixation on him that has kept you in this on / off or push / pull (as you put it) dysfunctional dynamic you have going on with him. why offer to help with something if you had no intentions of actually following through, why initiate contact to be friends when in reality you cant handle it? thats what i am asking. it doesn't matter who broke up with who, i just want some understanding in regards to his behaviorHe's mind effing you. That's the tall and the short of it. What you don't understand is you enable him to do it to you each and every time. if he is trying to get over me, then why still reach out, why offer to help and then retract?? Because he was fishing to see if you're still the easy pull that you've always been if you keep going back to him just because he asks. Instead of losing your self-respect over his behavior towards you, why not just stop answering him all together and help yourself to get over those feelings. You aren't a good match. If you were, you'd not be breaking up or he'd not be pulling away when you're together. Zero contact and then he can't eff with your mind any longer to the point that you need to start threads to find out our guesses as to what he's up to. You'll feel better soon if you have conviction that your choice to break up with him was the right one instead of second guessing yourself and hoping your action will somehow change him into who you want him to be. Be well and you're welcome. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jah234 Posted August 3, 2016 Author Share Posted August 3, 2016 You're the one here asking why he's not being your friend when you should be the one saying to yourself: "No wonder I broke up with him, now I need to ignore him and do what I can to get him out of my system for good because all we do is break up and never get to the blissful stage of indifference to one another so that we can find suitable partners." No kidding... where in there did I say it would be easy. I just said that zero contact is what YOU need to get over your need of him and those "feeeelings" you are still harbouring still. You have an addiction to him and it's unhealthy that you keep allowing him to reel you in only to disappoint once again. Why do you need that? Its that kind of fixation on him that has kept you in this on / off or push / pull (as you put it) dysfunctional dynamic you have going on with him. He's mind effing you. That's the tall and the short of it. What you don't understand is you enable him to do it to you each and every time. Because he was fishing to see if you're still the easy pull that you've always been if you keep going back to him just because he asks. Instead of losing your self-respect over his behavior towards you, why not just stop answering him all together and help yourself to get over those feelings. You aren't a good match. If you were, you'd not be breaking up or he'd not be pulling away when you're together. Zero contact and then he can't eff with your mind any longer to the point that you need to start threads to find out our guesses as to what he's up to. You'll feel better soon if you have conviction that your choice to break up with him was the right one instead of second guessing yourself and hoping your action will somehow change him into who you want him to be. Be well and you're welcome. WOW! that was very blunt but probably what i needed to hear. everyone keeps saying that he is conflicted with his feelings thus the back and forth behavior. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jah234 Posted August 3, 2016 Author Share Posted August 3, 2016 You're the one choosing to stay involved in a "push and pull" relationship despite ending it. That's self torture, have you noticed? yes it is, its excruciatingly painful! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted August 3, 2016 Share Posted August 3, 2016 yes it is, its excruciatingly painful! Then why keep doing it? Time to treat yourself better. M'kay. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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