Older woman - Need some emotional support because questioning myself

[Sunshine1234]

I just need some supporting words of kindness and positivity. I'm 48, man I seeing for last two years 56. Both of us divorced, were married for 20 years.

 

Great great guy with great job, life, all that. We took our time, he asked for committed relationship, he began talking as "we", of a future in a year or two when my youngest off to college. Physically affectionate, touchy guy, sex ok, sweet, but something always lacking/passion, he not willing to go "above" cookie cutter sex, if you know what I mean, or please me in a certain way. (oral)

 

I told him I loved him first, so excited to do so, he could not say it back. We discussed this in depth and he explained "being in love" something from our younger years, he not a verbal guy, not comfortable with words. He showed me he cared for me, he showed he enjoyed being with me. Another thing - he did not like to call on phone or talk on phone. I accepted this (not happily) bc he was texting me, emailing me, we seeing each other 2-3x week, most weekends, going away on weekends together, etc.

 

All going fine, I knew we both very scarred from our divorces, but assumed because his was 10+ years old, he emotionally good to go, amicable with ex-wife, whatever. No problem. He rarely talked about the former wife, history, divorce, nothing. It seemed to be something he not interested in talking about, it irrelevant. I thought it was that and nothing else. Then he shares he still doing personal favors for her, her family. He told me he was building a piece of furniture for his ex-sister in law. This project was ongoing for a long time. I just didn't feel right about it for some reason. Can't say why. Know my own faults and chocked it up as some jealousy on my part, and I needed to get used to him being friendly with her and her family. I was uncomfortable about it because I didn't know these people, he never spoke of them otherwise, I'd never met them. This was a year into our relationship. (I'd met his friends, adult kids, granddaughter. Gone with him to do other favors for other friends.) I just wondering, why doesn't he ask me to come along, if and when it's anything to do with ex-wife, her family if he's ok being friendly with them? I just felt uncomfortable. And I expressed this clearly to him. He defended his stand, "I'm friendly with them, because it's the right thing to do." But would not deal with, resolve issue, or agree to bring me along next time!

 

Well, months later I find out he's seen his former wife 2x without mentioning it to me in passing; as one would share any info about one's day, "what did you do today?", since we not living together and was only getting together few times a week, we would text every night to check in...

He told me he didn't tell me because he knew it would upset me. We had many fights about this with no resolution. i repeatedly explained that there are only two scenarios that are ok and healthy, if we going to treat each other as two people should, with respect, in a committed relationship:

1. You stop doing personal favors for ex-wife and her family - if you can't be open, comfortable sharing that info with me.

2. I meet them, everyone adults and ok to be in same room together on rare occasion, or if you guys friends, no problem! Just include me, because I'm your partner now. Correct?

 

He had a beef with this, saying I'm jealous, I'm trying to change him, won't accept him the way he is. (that he doesn't like to talk on the phone, can't show his emotions or say I Love You - after TWO YEARS! No I Love You from him. I said it few times, got it out of him (how sad) but that's been it, in two years. So I stopped saying it a few months ago... So sad.

 

Many other things that made me uncomfortable: adult children always bringing up their Mom in front of me. I don't know her, never met her. I'm sure she's great and have no problem-we all have history. But his kids never asked about me personally, what I like, what I do with my life, "what did you and Bob (their dad) do last weekend, we heard you went away for the weekend", etc. The ex wife would always pop into the conversations. And my boyfriend would never interject, change subject, never had a talk with them, "hey try to be sensitive here and cut back on the Mom talk, it's inappropriate". Which I thought it was - but maybe I was wrong? Just made me uncomfortable, because again, he NEVER spoke of her, I knew nothing of their history, we couldn't laugh about stuff, just normal stuff two adults who are divorced and over their divorces and exes, can do!

 

Also, no pictures of us together or mention of us on Facebook, which we both on pretty actively. Well, he just looks, posts nothing except things with him and his son. Yet has over 100 friends... He would go away on weekend with son, and son tag him in photos, so that would be on his wall. But we'd go away, I'd tag him, and he question the photo, made it quite clear he not sure about it, very negative vibe. Not excited to share anything to do with me. For TWO YEARS, nothing, NO mention that we together.

 

I expressed me being uncomfortable, can we resolve these types of issues? I feel disrespected and that you hiding me or not comfortable with me and ex being in same room, proud we're together, etc. Lots of Red Flags. He just said, he tired of talking about same issue over and over again, it's not an issue, but I'm making it one.

 

Anyway - so I got so so frustrated after us arguing and going around in circles for six months - I broke it off last week. F-ing hard, as he's one of my best friends. Or so I thought, but I suppose his behavior showed that to be untrue. I just refused to see it, put those damn love blinders on again...

 

Many other communication issues and issues with his grown children acting a bit rudely in front of me when we together. Talking about mother, texting constantly with her, phone calls from her, in front of me and their date, out to dinner. And he not speaking up, teaching them, that maybe they should cut back on that, and maybe get to know me, ask about me, about our time together, our adventures together. Never, in TWO YEARS.

 

I could go on and on, but I just need to hear that I've done the right thing. And at 48, I can still find a healthy love. A healthy, emotionally ready man who can handle his baggage with class, and make me feel like a priority. Or am I asking for too much, am I jealous, being unreasonable? I just don't know. Damn hard, as we were good companions, good company, he very laid back, a really great guy in many ways, interesting, smart, full life, etc.

 

Please just help me here - in and out of doubting myself...

[Gary Snyder]

- Many men don't say "I love you". This is one of the small differences between men and women.

 

- The Spacebook thing means nothing, I would not take social sites seriously.

 

- It sounds like you have some jealousy issues. You are dealing with a broken family (divorced), so it's going to naturally be a little weird. He visits the wife to stay close with the kids.......... certainly you don't think he cheated twice over two years? I suppose it's possible but I doubt it. It might take the kids a few years to warm up to you. If you really feel so out of place when around his family, perhaps you should not go to family get togethers.

 

- Although it's not perfect - what relationship is - I just don't see any major dealbreakers here? How often do you argue, how many times a week/month/year?

[Sunshine1234]

His children are adults: 21 and 24. He also gives them a lot of financial support, his daughter has a certain lifestyle that he finances. He also still has things of ex-wife/boxes in his house, a house they never shared, that he's never gone thru. Their names still on some accounts. They've been divorced for 13 years. Don't divorced people cut ties, close doors, in order to make sure things are pretty much good to go, in order to get off to a good start with a new person?

 

You don't think after two years some verbal or written expression of affection is a gift you should give to someone you love? Give and receive?

 

No, not looking for perfection at all. I'm far from perfect. I just want to be respected and included in his life as someone he's damn proud to be with. He doesn't seem to be able to do that around certain people, or on Facebook - which he uses and is on 10x a day, heavy visitor.

 

I do not believe they are cheating, at all. Not the issue. It's his choosing to allow me into his life, on his terms only. And it's not 100%. If he's friendly with ex, it should be perfectly fine to invite me something if he's invited. I've been hanging around with his adult children for TWO years. It makes me feel disrespected and not a priority.

[n83]

- Many men don't say "I love you". This is one of the small differences between men and women.

 

- The Spacebook thing means nothing, I would not take social sites seriously.

 

- It sounds like you have some jealousy issues. You are dealing with a broken family (divorced), so it's going to naturally be a little weird. He visits the wife to stay close with the kids.......... certainly you don't think he cheated twice over two years? I suppose it's possible but I doubt it. It might take the kids a few years to warm up to you. If you really feel so out of place when around his family, perhaps you should not go to family get togethers.

 

- Although it's not perfect - what relationship is - I just don't see any major dealbreakers here? How often do you argue, how many times a week/month/year?

 

 

 

Ummm I would like to TOTALLY disagree with the above poster.

 

Do you have jealousy issues? Perhaps. But he's not doing anything to alleviate them, is he.

 

It's not unreasonable for you to want to be included after 2 years.

 

It's not unreasonable for you to want to be on his Facebook after 2 years.

 

"Many men" who can't say I love you are NOT the ones you want to be dating. It's not unreasonable to want to hear, "I love you" after 2 years of dating.

 

I would walk too.

[n83]

I would also like to add, he is clearly hiding you from someone. There's no reason for him to be on Facebook tagging pictures of other people but getting upset when you do it. He either is ashamed of you or doesn't want someone to see you, for whatever reason. Either way, I would not let that be your problem any more.

[Sunshine1234]

It's not - I unfriended him. Probably why he pissed. Oh well. Yes, after two years, I believe quite deserving. And he made an Instagram account months ago, and never told me, never asked me to join in. And I'm a HUGE photographer... I'm beginning to accept he's an EU man, as well as a "divorced husband", and has Guilty Divorced Father Syndrome. All the classic signs. And he's also a minor hoarder... Yeah, issues. I'm imperfect, too, so was compassionate for a long time. And he's gentle, laid back, very giving. Probably too much so to his adult kids. He's in financial debt because of them. Took on his son's complete college loan, the son flaunts around job to job, has fun, travels, yet doesn't pay any of his $50,000 college debt. Nice, huh?

 

Yes, I admittedly have some jealousy issues and am going to go back to therapy and address this. But agree - if someone you love is upset, tells you something makes them uncomfortable, asks you to work together to solve it, try to find a resolution (I'm a great communicator) - wouldn't you at least sit down, talk it out, ask "what can I do to make you more comfortable, help?" So frustrating that some people cannot see their faults, things they do hurt people, and that with some work and effort, a solution can be found! Yes, love takes some work. Especially with divorced people with baggage, families, kids with other people. It's so so hard. This my third relationship post divorce - and same issues. Men who can't express their feelings, feel indebted to their former spouses (guilt-she divorced him) and kids because they don't have the same cooshy lifestyle they had. Ohhhhh, the baggage. Ugggg. Are their any together men out there???

[Sunshine1234]

Yeah, he probably doesn't want any of his former wife's family to see anything on FB. I'm no dummy... He still has where he lives listed as the town he lived in when married. Rich town. He lives in a lower class town now, and is probably shameful, won't say that's where he lives. And has an issue with any pics or mention of us on there - but huh, funny that there's a picture of him with his ex wife in it. From like 10 years ago. Just weird, sorry... Emotional Hoarding. Can't let go of the past. Very very sad. Good luck to him. And the next woman who enters his life. Maybe by then he'll have his s*it together. Doubt it.

[n83]

This my third relationship post divorce - and same issues. Men who can't express their feelings, feel indebted to their former spouses (guilt-she divorced him) and kids because they don't have the same cooshy lifestyle they had. Ohhhhh, the baggage. Ugggg. Are their any together men out there???

 

Maybe you should ask yourself why you keep repeating the same patterns with the same type of men. You are the common denominator here, so maybe there's some warning signs you could start to look out for when you first start dating someone.

[Sunshine1234]

Yes, true and many lessons learned. I'm responsible, very. I did not ask the right questions when he asked me to be in a committed relationship, and to move in with him in about a year or so. And I did ask questions, but that was 9-12 months into relationship, and I didn't want to "push" things or him, wanted to be understanding. Knew I had a little jealousy, tried to talk about it. He didn't understand it, no compassion for my feelings. He would lie about his communication with her, and when I'd catch him, "I didn't tell you because I know it upsets you." Well, why don't people stop doing the thing that is upsetting the one they supposedly love??? Or find a compromise, talk it out. If he'd told me, "Ok, next time I run something over to her, come along for the ride!" Or next time there's something going on, I'll tell the kids you should be invited. No communication or ideas from him to solve the issue. That is really my issue with him and why we can't be together. He is lazy, brushes all emotional stuff under the rug, wants things his way. He literally told me, "what you're asking of me sounds like demands." "and if we're going to make this work, it's going to be on my terms."

Asking to be shown respect and like we're a true couple, I'm your significant other, in front of ANYONE and EVERYONE in life - is a "demand"? Sorry, I may have my own issues, but I do have self respect. So hurtful he said that, but he showed his true intentions. Wants to be in control. I get it. Sure, we all want some control and perhaps I did as well. But was trying to move the relationship forward, get everyone used to things, situations. I know it takes time - but at TWO YEARS, yes, things should have been progressing a bit more. And he should have WANTED to progress things. I guess he found out he really didn't want to. Yeah, the rejection part hurts like a , too.

Asking for what you and want and need - and getting rejected. Doesn't make one feel very loved, so therefore I began pulling away. Vicious cycle. So sad.

[annie24]

imho, I don't think that his kids are in the wrong talking about their mother in front of you. i don't know if they were purposefully trying to be insensitive about it or what, but I think you should let that slide. Plus, it's something that the kids did, not you.

 

After a previous relationship where we had this issue, where I said I love you and he said he wasn't ready to say it, I probably should have walked then. That plus him not having photos of the two of you on Facebook and not living together after 2 years makes me think that maybe he was enjoying the relationship, but wasn't wanting to take it to the "next level." whether that means moving in together or getting married or whatever.

 

Anyway, I think after 2 years, if you're not feeling like you're his #1 woman and he wants you in his life for good, I don't see anything wrong with walking either. good luck.

[Gary Snyder]

His children are adults:

 

- okay, young adults, very young.

 

He also still has things of ex-wife/boxes in his house, a house they never shared, that he's never gone thru.

 

- Okay, this is bad. Some people don't realize it though.

 

Their names still on some accounts. They've been divorced for 13 years. Don't divorced people cut ties, close doors, in order to make sure things are pretty much good to go, in order to get off to a good start with a new person?

 

- They should, you are absolutely correct.

 

You don't think after two years some verbal or written expression of affection is a gift you should give to someone you love? Give and receive?

 

- absolutely, but not necessarily the words "I love you". He should be be telling you he loves you in his own way, sweet nothings. Also, you should be able to tell from his actions that he loves you..... the way he hugs you, touches you, and how he acts around you. Talk is cheap but actions scream.

 

I just want to be respected and included in his life as someone he's damn proud to be with.

 

- I absolutely agree with this. You can only love a person as much as they respect you, so you want a high level of respect. R-E-S-P-E-C-T is a woman's theme song.

 

I do not believe they are cheating, at all. Not the issue. It's his choosing to allow me into his life, on his terms only. And it's not 100%. If he's friendly with ex, it should be perfectly fine to invite me something if he's invited. I've been hanging around with his adult children for TWO years. It makes me feel disrespected and not a priority.

 

 

 

 

 

There's no reason for him to be on Facebook tagging pictures of other people but getting upset when you do it.

 

- I agree with this. I don't like what he's doing.

 

 

 

Yes, I admittedly have some jealousy issues and am going to go back to therapy and address this. But agree - if someone you love is upset, tells you something makes them uncomfortable, asks you to work together to solve it, try to find a resolution (I'm a great communicator) - wouldn't you at least sit down, talk it out, ask "what can I do to make you more comfortable, help?" So frustrating that some people cannot see their faults, things they do hurt people, and that with some work and effort, a solution can be found! Yes, love takes some work. Especially with divorced people with baggage, families, kids with other people. It's so so hard. This my third relationship post divorce - and same issues. Men who can't express their feelings, feel indebted to their former spouses (guilt-she divorced him) and kids because they don't have the same cooshy lifestyle they had. Ohhhhh, the baggage. Ugggg. Are their any together men out there???

 

- I agree with you here also. Since you are talking about going to counseling..... I think you'll find that it's a mixed bag...... some things are issues, some are not.

[Sunshine1234]

Thanks Annie24. Just feeling conflicted, because I know nothing will be perfect. I let a lot of things slide. More things that I'm not mentioning on here. Just value differences, budgeting/money differences, lifestyle differences. I would have gotten used to the kids speaking about Mom, if maybe I knew her, casually had met her. And if sometimes the adult kids asked about me, and also their dad and I, what we up to? They never did. I know that takes time. So yes, I question myself and was I expecting too much, too soon. I just don't know. We can't move in together until my youngest leaves home. I have my own home. I also asked him if we could compromise, and if in a few years, we could pick a town convenient for both of us, both our jobs. We currently live about 35 minutes apart. (he had previously been firm on staying in his house for next few years) And I recently found out that the daughter has plans to move back, and that she expects to move in, if necessary. Her, her husband and their 4 year old. And also that my boyfriend (now ex) and the former wife will help pay for private schools for her kids, and/or help buy them a house in a very wealthy town with good schools. This is a 21-year old soon to be college graduate and her 21-year old husband. (not the father of her child)

 

I asked him if he'd mentioned to his kids that he'd asked me to move in with him, that we were planning for a future together? He had not.

I also asked him if he cared what his ex-wife thought of him. After not knowing how to answer, he told me the truth, he does.

So to me - many many things pointed in the direction that I will always be lowest on the totem pole, not the #1 woman in his life.

 

He had all those fun, happy thoughts during the honeymoon phase. But now reality has set in, hard questions asked. And he can't handle it or doesn't want to put in the effort to make it work. Make adjustments, tell his kids I'm also a priority. His future a priority! He doesn't seem to care about himself, his finances, definitely not a thought or plan for our future!, saving for retirement. I can't be with someone like that, no.

[annie24]

Does he not have a retirement account?!

[Sunshine1234]

Thanks everyone. So so sad.

 

He's a good guy with a heart of gold. It's just directed at the wrong people at this stage in his life. When he met me, he thought he wanted something serious, committed. He just emotionally immature (yes, even at 56!) and didn't realize he actually not ready. He has a lot of work to do as well. He has not closed doors to his previous marriage. I'm sorry, I don't ever think of my former husband, don't care what he thinks about me! And I've only been divorced for six years. We are amicable, communicate like a business; only about our kids, who are 18, 20, 24. Yes, adults who don't need mommy and daddy texting and emailing each other frequently them. We deal with our children individually. He and his ex wife would be on a group text with the daughter, other family members! I don't know - maybe that's how some divorced families do things.

 

Again - if he had made me feel comfortable, which I do believe is our role, to make our partners feel good and comfy, and included me, at least TRIED and not kept ignoring the issue, buying time... We could have worked thru the important issues. Just a waste. We could have had something great. Frickin' sucks. The pain and regret for both of us. We're both good people, imperfect people.

 

I was his first serious relationship since his divorce, so sure he didn't know what the hell he doing. That's fine, I was willing to work with that. Which I did, for two years. I just wanted us to be best friends, him be able to tell me that, trust me, have that emotional intimacy. I have that with so many other friends in my life, family. I just want that with a man, my best friend and lover. So hard and sad to imagine I may never find that with someone. I'm just heartbroken right now. If he could just look within himself, be honest with himself... but he can't. And won't. Chooses not to. And I can't fix him, or try to change him. I know this. I just wanted him to change some behaviors, move things forward, change the dynamic and boundaries with ex, adult kids. You have to, if you want a new relationship, right???

[Sunshine1234]

I don't know about Retirement account. He never told me exactly. All I know is that "his divorce put him into debt." and he's trying to get back out. Oh yeah, but he's building a big new house. (why one person needs all that?) He's an architect/builder, was married into a very wealthy family. So sure it's been pretty damn hard for him to go "backwards". And hands money to his kids a lot because they used to a certain lifestyle. Not helping, but enabling IMO. I don't raise my kids like that. Yet, he'll claim it's normal helping your kids behavior. Not good with money, No. Scary. Another reason why I know logically and in my head, this IS the right choice.

 

This is why I came on here. To tell story, and get input from others. It's therapy, journaling of a type, and by writing this ALL down, getting it ALL out, I will come to see the truth and my head will override my foolish foolish heart.

 

THANK YOU !!!!

[melancholy123]

It's good you are going to therapy because you seem to have jealousy issues that might be able to be resolved with some help.

 

This guy sounds like he may be legally divorced but he has not really moved on. The joint account stuff is just plain weird and not what divorced people do. You are right to move on and find someone who is my your type because this guy just isn't.

[Hollyj]

Yeah, he probably doesn't want any of his former wife's family to see anything on FB. I'm no dummy... He still has where he lives listed as the town he lived in when married. Rich town. He lives in a lower class town now, and is probably shameful, won't say that's where he lives. And has an issue with any pics or mention of us on there - but huh, funny that there's a picture of him with his ex wife in it. From like 10 years ago. Just weird, sorry... Emotional Hoarding. Can't let go of the past. Very very sad. Good luck to him. And the next woman who enters his life. Maybe by then he'll have his s*it together. Doubt it.

 

Sounds like a lot of excuses.

[Hollyj]

Maybe you should ask yourself why you keep repeating the same patterns with the same type of men. You are the common denominator here, so maybe there's some warning signs you could start to look out for when you first start dating someone.

 

Many men have got it together, but this seems to be what you have been attracted to, due to your own emotional unavailability - if you were available, you would not continue to choose men like this. They are safe, as they don't let you in.

 

You are the "common denominator." Your bf has a lot problems, and most would not tolerate this nonsense. You need to understand why you do .

[Ms Darcy]

He had a beef with this, saying I'm jealous, I'm trying to change him, won't accept him the way he is. (that he doesn't like to talk on the phone, can't show his emotions or say I Love You - after TWO YEARS! No I Love You from him. I said it few times, got it out of him (how sad) but that's been it, in two years. So I stopped saying it a few months ago... So sad.

 

Please just help me here - in and out of doubting myself...

 

Knew I had a little jealousy, tried to talk about it. He didn't understand it, no compassion for my feelings. He would lie about his communication with her, and when I'd catch him, "I didn't tell you because I know it upsets you." Well, why don't people stop doing the thing that is upsetting the one they supposedly love??? Or find a compromise, talk it out.

 

Asking for what you and want and need - and getting rejected. Doesn't make one feel very loved, so therefore I began pulling away. Vicious cycle. So sad.

 

Without a doubt, leaving him was the right thing to do.

 

I think it's odd you say "why don't people stop doing (something that's) upsetting the one they supposedly love..." He didn't say I love you in two years. He didn't act like he loved you. I think you assumed that he loved you because he was with you and wanted to move in.

 

Basically, you wanted a partnership and he was just happy for a companion.

 

If this is guy #3 with this pattern, it's not really about him. It's about you.

 

I get the impression you need to work on not trying to change people to meet your needs. Cause this guy was never equipped to be what you wanted.

[journeynow]

He just said, he tired of talking about same issue over and over again, it's not an issue, but I'm making it one.

 

Anyway - so I got so so frustrated after us arguing and going around in circles for six months - I broke it off last week.

 

I think it seems about right to end it. You had arrived at the point where you'd learned what you needed to know about him at the deepest level, and that he is not the partner you need. Not to fault either of you, but had reached the end of your compatibility. It takes time together to know that, right? I don't think you were asking too much, requesting the inclusion and respect.

 

The "trying to change people" has me pondering. While it is true we can't change others, it is true that relationships grow or fade, and part of evolving together is learning from each other and about ourselves. We are who we are, but we also evolve in relationships, we can grow and change through the interaction and the learning about each other's needs. I hear both "people don't change" and "people change" on eNA quite a bit, each used as an explanation or excuse for ending relationships. It drives me a bit nuts because life is change. True, you can't make someone else change, but in communicating and being open in a relationship you create an opportunity for each to evolve and change. It doesn't have to be change for just one or the other, but a chance to share and explore ideas and options, and collaborate.

 

I'll just add that I don't put a lot of weight on what is done with Facebook. I don't see that it needs to be about relationships and partners. That should be in real life and between the 2 of you; does not need to be pointed out or paraded in public.

[ParisPaulette]

Does it really matter whether you should have or shouldn't have had "issues"? The fact is in two years you both should have been growing together, sharing more and more of your life. And if someone can't say they love you after two years? Yeah, no they don't. I only ever hear that excuse from commitment phobes. I get not wanting to say it at two months, even six months, but a year in no "I love you" back? Maybe someone else would be fine with that, but I wouldn't be.

 

The larger issue is there were problems, things you didn't feel comfortable with, and yes I agree going and doing favors for your ex-wife, being that close to her, but not having her meet you is a red flag. So is him being upset anytime you posted about him and you on Facebook, etc. It really sounds like he was trying to hide you or downplay your relationship to the ex-wife and that's not good.

 

I think you dodged a bullet and I think you probably put up with this for about a year too long. You need to work out what your boundaries are, what you find acceptable or not acceptable in a relationship, and to accept that when you see red flags they are red flags to you and if the other person can't or won't accept something or change what's bothering you or work towards some sort of compromise then it simply isn't good enough and you break it off.

 

It sounds like he hoped you'd just be content to sort of live in the shadows and accept a half commitment, while he also kept the ex-wife in the picture. I'm divorced, I get having an ex-spouse in the picture to some degree, because you have kids together sure. I've done that with my ex-husband and vice versa. But special favors to my ex-husband and his family? Nope. And as soon as I knew I was getting serious about my current husband the ex-husband and his now wife were introduced, I made a point of making sure my current husband met everyone in my family even yes the ex-husband, because I was serious about this man being in my full future.

 

The bottom line is it sounds like he tried to hide you and his ex-wife from each other, and that's just not acceptable unless you're willing to take a back seat. Two months in I get his actions, two years in? Nope.

 

I think you did the right thing. And yes, you'll go through the breakup and that is hard, but I think you were at a standstill and always will be. Just be glad you didn't let him move in with you. I think that would have been a disaster and I have to wonder about the motives of someone who demands to move in with a person, but won't fully share their life with them. It smacks of wanting to take some sort of financial or other advantage of you.

[Jibralta]

I felt depressed reading the description of this relationship, even before I got to the part where he saw his ex-wife on the sly.

 

Not many people would happy with the crumbs he was throwing. And I would feel 100% the same way about his relationship with his former family-in-law: If everything is on the up-and-up, include me.

 

I think you did the right thing in leaving. It sounded hopeless.

[polaris]

Well, months later I find out he's seen his former wife 2x without mentioning it to me in passing; as one would share any info about one's day, "what did you do today?", since we not living together and was only getting together few times a week, we would text every night to check in...

He told me he didn't tell me because he knew it would upset me. We had many fights about this with no resolution. i repeatedly explained that there are only two scenarios that are ok and healthy, if we going to treat each other as two people should, with respect, in a committed relationship:

1. You stop doing personal favors for ex-wife and her family - if you can't be open, comfortable sharing that info with me.

2. I meet them, everyone adults and ok to be in same room together on rare occasion, or if you guys friends, no problem! Just include me, because I'm your partner now. Correct?

 

Yes, correct. There was no reason for him to hide you from his ex-wife, unless he were still hoping for a reconciliation from her. Regardless, that's not a healthy situation, and you were very respectful and flexible in giving him two alternatives (either stopping things with her, or including you in them). He really sounds like he had some serious issues with openness, honesty, and communication. It's very sad to lose someone after two years, but you've definitely done the right thing here; he wasn't going to change.

[Sunshine1234]

I'm very glad I posted and got replies.

 

Yes, I'm part of my relationships that end, because I had a choice, too.

 

Yes, takes time to know someone and their true intentions, and what's actually going on in their life. I'm divorced, so know it takes time to process things, make all the changes in your life. But 13 years? That was a main reason why I chose him-I assumed he ready! Wow, was I mistaken. So odd to me...

 

And yes, the first time two I found out he'd helped the ex with personal stuff (one incident was she needed ride to airport to pick up son. A grown 56 woman can't get herself there in her own car, which she does have? Son 24! He would ALWAYS use "kids" as excuse. And that it "just makes sense to go in one car, pay parking one car." Ok, that's logical, but why wasn't I asked to come along?) ... I should have left him right then and there. God, I wish I'd been stronger! I was trying to be understanding. And I know nothing going on between them! But in time after listening and watching, it became clear he just cares too much what she thinks, he's too agreeable with her, she'll ask-he can't say No to her.

 

Yes, co-dependency all around. And admittedly, myself as well. I stayed in my 20-year marriage way too long. I maintained a relationship with a mentally ill, abusive, narcissist sister for too long. I had to cut her out of my life. So so traumatic, and has deeply affected me I'm sure. But I've become stronger due to that experience. Just need to get a bit stronger...Yes, back to therapy for me.

 

I am of the same mindset as the person who wrote about people not "changing" per se, but people should be growing and evolving. I want to, try to, and huge part of my life, an important goal for myself. I think also we must have that mindset for ourselves as well as our partner, so the relationship can grow!

 

That's all I was trying to explain to this man! It's time to move forward, make some adjustments in your life, because now we are together and making a life together! US, a WE, a united front. Yes, adult children also a priority, but I believe personal relationship trumps kids, once they out on their own. But everyone have diff opinion on that. Guess he did.

 

I guess him also being a bachelor for so many years, he stubborn and wanted things his way. Bc that's what works for him, comfortable, he's just fine and content. Well, sorry, you're in a partnership now - reality things change! What what he thinking it would be, look like? Same routine forever?! The ex around, yet leave me out of any communication regarding her, or have us casually meet? For me! So I'm cool with everything, so I feel safe. Show me, that me and my feelings a priority over hers. Was that so needy of me, or too much to ask?

 

Something so simple he could have done, and I'd been happy. Seen a real change, forward movement, him actually taking action. So irritating. But I get it. Just venting here...

[Ms Darcy]

The root cause of the issue was that he didn't love you. Why? He wasn't over his ex, etc etc whatever. But when you accept that he was less invested in this than you are, then you understand why all of your perspectives (about how it's time to move forward, about how he needed to make adjustments, about how you two were partners) actually does not apply.

 

The point about change. In my opinion, I agree with you ... people should be growing and evolving. For the purposes of this relationship, though, it's kinda not applicable. The point was more about how you were arguing with him trying to change his point of view. And he point blank made it clear you wouldn't. That's what we mean.

 

And by the way, IT IS OKAY for him not to change or adjust to your viewpoint. It means that you two are not compatible. Good to find that out sooner rather than later.

 

But I agree with Paris that one year of no I love you was the big red flag.