Should I stand by my gf if she wants me to loose a friend?

[ironpony]

I discussed some relationship problems with a couple of close friends, to use them as a sounding board, but my gf says I made her look bad and now my friends do not think highly of her anymore. She says that I discussed matters that were not their business and have overstepped their boundaries.

 

But I was wondering, is it really so wrong to do that? I mean if you cannot get opinions and assessment from friends, where can you get advice from? I mean there are people on online forums too and that's good, but is getting friends opinions who know me and the situation, really inappropriate or overstepping boundaries, when it comes to relationship social rules?

 

Basically I was having issues with my gf that I discussed with two of my closest friends. The issues I brought up before in this thread:

 

 

 

One of the friends I talked about the issue with is the one friend from the one thread, the guy. The other is a friend I never mentioned in the previous threads. Just so there is no confusion.My gf read the text messages between and one of the close friends. The close friend said that my gf has manipulated me and our problems to her advantage and she doesn't really like my gf because of this. My gf told me that what my friend is saying is not true, and that I started some of the problems, and she says that it was wrong of me to discuss the problems with her.

 

So now my gf wants me to apologize to my friend for bringing up personal problems and making her look bad. I asked a few people's opinions, online, but wanted some more. Either I stand by gf and stick up for her, and have her back and apologize to my friend, or I tell my gf that I am not apologizing for anything and that she made herself look bad. My girlfriend looked at my text messages where my friends gave me their opinions on her, saying that they thought she had a manipulating and controlling attitude about the issues towards me. She didn't like them saying that and now she says she has a problem with them being my friends and doesn't want them in our lives anymore, as she put it.

 

But what is the most fair response in this case? Sorry for the long post. But thank you very much for reading and responding.

[notalady]

I don't understand why you have your gf read your friends' responses to you? I'd feel my privacy violated if I was your friend who gave their honest opinion in confidence and had that confidence breached. What they said is not their fault nor meant to be insulting, you asked for opinions and they gave it to you, you have nothing to "stand up" to for your gf. On the other hand, it sounds more like you have boundary issues, not for seeking advice, but for showing your gf what was said which was hurtful and inappropriate for her to see.

 

I haven't read your other post, but I can see why your gf is pissed about what was said about her, BUT, demanding that you get rid of your friends because of this instead of communicating to YOU directly about what your issue with her is, is a big red flag. Your friends likely are right about her being controlling and manipulative and you should probably rethink your relationship with her.

[Gary Snyder]

Why is your girlfriend looking at YOUR phone? And she wants you to apologize for airing your problems? She sounds like a control freak.

 

However, she is partially right...... you should not be discussing private matters with mutual friends. It's better if you talk to a counselor or priest. But she's not handling it right.

[Tanzi]

We all turn to our friends at some point for advice. There is nothing wrong with that. That is what friends are for, after all. However, sometimes, I think we need to be careful what friend we are talking to and what we are saying.

 

I would say that the biggest issue here is that this particular friend you are referring to here is another girl. I know in an ideal world that shouldn't matter ... friends can be friends no matter what their gender ... yet it often does matter .... especially in the less maturer years when jealousy is harder to control.

 

I think you also need to be careful what is being said because if these two people are going to be in each other's company, you don't want to cause any ill feeling or awkwardness one way or another.

 

That being said I think your girlfriend is being somewhat controlling. Showing your gf what your friend said was a bad idea. Even telling her you spoke to friends was a bad idea. Talking to friends is fine, listening to them is fine, following their advice is fine .... but going back to your gf to tell her that you've spoken to them was unnecessary. As notalady said above, you betrayed your friend's trust. Now you have a stand off between friend and girlfriend that could have been avoided if you had just made some wiser choices. I'm not saying you can't talk to your friends but you still need to be careful what drama you could be potentially unleashing between two people whose paths are going to cross.

 

Anyhow, in answer to your question, you need to stand up to your girlfriend. What is done is done. You can't change that and there is no need to further antagonise the situation by bringing it up to the friend.

 

Telling you who you can and cannot be friends with IS being controlling and if you do as she wants, not only will you be confirming that to your friends you will also be enabling her behaviour. You need to stand up to her. It is done, it is over. Tell her you both need to move on from this and she needs to let this go because your friends will see straight through your "apology" and anything else she expects you to say, only proving that they weren't wrong in the first place.

[ironpony]

Okay thanks. Well my gf asked to see my phone to see what I have discussing with my friends, cause she thought I might have discussed it with them, and it was a hunch of hers. So I showed her the phone, because since I am her bf, I feel we should have nothing to hide, when one asks to look at one another's things like that. I didn't tell my gf that I talked to my friends, she had hunch and asked me about it and I didn't want to lie.

 

I told her that I promised that I would not discuss with with them anymore. And yes the one friend is a girl, but I wanted another woman's opinion on the issue, that is why I asked her. But now my gf has a problem with me being her friend now.

[IAmFCA]

/

[Tanzi]

Okay thanks. Well my gf asked to see my phone to see what I have discussing with my friends, cause she thought I might have discussed it with them, and it was a hunch of hers. So I showed her the phone, because since I am her bf, I feel we should have nothing to hide, when one asks to look at one another's things like that. I didn't tell my gf that I talked to my friends, she had hunch and asked me about it and I didn't want to lie.

 

You are still entitled to your privacy. She should have never asked to see your phone. If you want so ask friends for advice then that is between you and your friends, not your girlfriend. If you feel the need to tell your gf EVERYTHING then don't speak to your friends because you are betraying their trust as much as you feel you are betraying your girlfriend's trust. You sound quite young. At this point in your life having friends is as important as having a girlfriend. Treat your friends with the respect they deserve too. It sounds as though they have your back. Your girlfriend sounds as though she only has her own.

 

But now my gf has a problem with me being her friend now.

 

Well that was always going to be the case the moment you showed her the text. The point is she IS your friend and your girlfriend doesn't have a right to tell you who you can be friends with. That being said, I guess she is acting this way because she knows this friend now doesn't like her. Nevertheless, you need to deal with this in a better way than dropping your friend. You've apologised to your girlfriend. Now I think you need to tell both your friend and girlfriend that you would like it if they could put their feelings aside and try to get on for your sake.

[greta96]

I am shocked that you are still with this woman, to be honest. You got lots of great replies in your previous threads, and the main conclusion was that she was indeed manipulative and controlling, and here you are, another half a year later, still dealing with the same issues. Why? Because as much as she tries to hide her controlling and difficult nature, she is who she is and will never change.

No, you shouldn't stand by her, you should dump her already. Or, you can stick with her and let her isolate you from everyone who has your best interest at heart, such as your friends. Of course you are still entitled to your privacy even in a LTR, but you need a back bone for that, so when she asks you to let her see your phone, you tell her that your conversations with your friends are PRIVATE. If she doesn't know the meaning of that word, too bad so sad.

Your friends are right, and they have been telling you basically the same things us, strangers on a forum, have told you. Now if people from all walks of life, friends and strangers, see the same thing, why can't you see it?

Making threads about this woman won't help you, if you refuse to take anyone's advice. With so many women around you, most of them much better than yours in every way, I have to wonder why do you insist on staying with her, when your gut feeling has been screaming at you for quite some time that she's wrong for you?

[IAmFCA]

Iron pony, take a step back and revisit your ideas of honesty and openness, ideas of trust and respect. I actually think you need to read about these ideas in the context of relationship.

 

It is time to own yourself, your judgment, your decisions. Own your right to make mistakes, which are essential to success. Nobody has the right to know every inch of you - that isn't trust or honesty. That's letting yourself go and is irresponsible to yourself and whoever else relies upon you.

 

You are a gift. The most valuable gift you have. Give yourself only to friends and lovers who will celebrate your successes and forgive your flaws. If someone else wants to OWN you, shut that person out of your life.

 

In short: heck, no. It is her right to dislike your friend. It is your right to love your friend. Keep your friend, respect all involved by having clear boundaries. Don't discuss one with the other.

 

This happened because you let it. Respect your own choices before you consider anyone else's.

 

The issues here run deep. I wonder: did your family teach you to be an authority over yourself? Because that is your job, above all others. Anyone who wants to be the authority over you is not your lover.

 

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[Tanzi]

I didn't read any of your previous threads, OP. Perhaps I should have. If this controlling and manipulative behaviour has been consistent throughout your relationship (and you know it) then this should be a no brainer. Your friend is not wrong is she?

[ironpony]

Okay thanks. Well I could tell my friend and my gf to put their feelings aside and try to get along for my sake, like Blue68 suggested. But I get the feeling that if I do this, there is a big chance this could make things worse. What do you think?

 

My gf wants me to apologize to my friend and tell my friend that I have misinterpreted what happened and a lot of the things that caused my gf's behavior are actually my fault. Now I have thought about this and looked over the text messaged conversation me, and my friend had.

 

I will apologize for a couple of things I said as I agree with my gf that I could haven handled those two things better and that was considerably my fault. But I do not think I should have to apologize for the rest, and I was thinking of telling my gf that, and that the rest was all her, and I will not apologize to my friend for it.

 

But is this unfair? Some people tell me I need to stick up for my gf more.

[catfeeder]

Are you a grown adult with a partner, or are you a 6 year old handing a phone over to a parent?

 

If a partner ever snooped my text messages, by request or otherwise, it would be the last the 'partner' would ever see of me.

 

Your friends are right, and I'd ditch the control freak.

[greta96]

Okay thanks. Well I could tell my friend and my gf to put their feelings aside and try to get along for my sake, like Blue68 suggested. But I get the feeling that if I do this, there is a big chance this could make things worse. What do you think?

 

My gf wants me to apologize to my friend and tell my friend that I have misinterpreted what happened and a lot of the things that caused my gf's behavior are actually my fault. Now I have thought about this and looked over the text messaged conversation me, and my friend had.

 

I will apologize for a couple of things I said as I agree with my gf that I could haven handled those two things better and that was considerably my fault. But I do not think I should have to apologize for the rest, and I was thinking of telling my gf that, and that the rest was all her, and I will not apologize to my friend for it.

 

But is this unfair? Some people tell me I need to stick up for my gf more.

 

Pffft...you can tell your friends whatever she is making you tell them, they will NOT believe you, do you really think they can't SEE what's going on? Trust me, if we, on this forum, can see it, your friends and family can too. If you want to look like an even bigger pushover to them than you already do, fine, go ahead and tell them the script this nutcase is making you tell them. But do it knowing they will roll their eyes and feel pity for you, even if on the surface they'll say 'sure man, don't sweat it'. You will lose your friends if you continue like this, and all you'll have left is this controlling, insufferable woman. Wow. Unfortunately even the worst of them have to find their match, as you know what they say, there's a lid for every pot, and you're hers. Not many men would stick around but you seem to be hopeless, so I'm done with giving you advice, you desperately want to hear that she's not so bad and she's right about some things, and I can't tell you that. After all, we are in charge of making or breaking or own lives, so you gotta do what you gotta do.

Good luck, you'll really need it!

[IAmFCA]

IronPony, I have some questions for you.

 

(1) What do YOU think? How would YOU like to manage your friendships? Your relationship with your gf? Your career path? Your contribution to your community?

 

(2) If you do not know the answer to the questions in #1, what do you do?

 

It strikes me that you willingly take direction from your GF, your friends, and when their directions aren't clear, from us.

 

My message to you is that this is YOUR life. YOU are in control of who you are and how you choose to behave. The advice you get from others is intended to be like research, not like directions. Listen, first and foremost, to your own advice.

 

My advice, then, is as follows:

 

(1) Go on a walk. Talk to yourself. Get to a quiet place. Listen to your inner voice. It is VERY quiet within you. It is like a child to whom nobody has listened for years. Listen. Tell that voice that is is smart, and that you intend to listen to it more often.

 

(2) Practice listening to your voice every day.

 

(3) Practice doing what that voice suggests is the right answer. OR, think about what that inner voice suggests, understand it, and make the most appropriate choice.

 

Take control. If and when you start to own your choices, to drive your own bus, THEN start a new thread. Because it might be both scary and exciting, empowering and overwhelming. It IS the path that is right for you, and we will be here to support you as you practice this new skill and manage the changes that come with it.

 

Until you want to be in control of your life, the rest of us will control you. Your friends, your gf, your work mates, .... others around you will direct you in whatever way is best for THEM, not for you. That is what is happening now. You are absent from your own life.

 

Please please please learn how to listen to your own inner voice and to assert yourself.

[IAmFCA]

To answer your question specifically:

 

If you wronged your friend, apologize to your friend. If you wronged your gf, apologize to her. HOWEVER, if you were honest, telling your own story, and telling it honestly, then you have nothing for which to apologize.

=

If you wronged yourself by behaving in a way that is beneath your own standard, say that, to your friend. "I said these things, and they were true. But they also were unkind and destructive. Can you help me understand how to convey the truth in a constructive way?"

[JustinCase2]

I see nothing wrong with talking to a guy friend about your relationship problems. I would have a problem if you were talking to a girl friend about your relationship problems. Imo, that's not appropriate. Anonymous people over the internet is a different story.

[j.man]

I don't believe you should be disallowed from confiding in others about your relationship, but I do think you should be respectful to your partner by not confiding in people she will also interact with. Friends and family are naturally inclined to feel protective of you over your partner and it puts your partner in an awkward position knowing they're being judged / scrutinized. That's not to say she's not deserving of it (going off your previous threads), but that it will change the dynamic.

 

What I don't like about this situation is that it seems like an excuse for her to deflect. I'd suspect she's probably even relieved now that she's got something to put on you. I wouldn't allow her to distract from the larger issues at hand, her entitlement to your privacy chiefly among them.

 

But, really, my advice doesn't change much from before. I don't think there's a biohazard sticker big enough to put over your relationship. I hope you find the courage to do yourself the big favor sooner than later.

[IAmFCA]

I don't believe you should be disallowed from confiding in others about your relationship, but I do think you should be respectful to your partner by not confiding in people she will also interact with. Friends and family are naturally inclined to feel protective of you over your partner and it puts your partner in an awkward position knowing they're being judged / scrutinized. That's not to say she's not deserving of it (going off your previous threads), but that it will change the dynamic.

 

What I don't like about this situation is that it seems like an excuse for her to deflect. I'd suspect she's probably even relieved now that she's got something to put on you. I wouldn't allow her to distract from the larger issues at hand, her entitlement to your privacy chiefly among them.

 

But, really, my advice doesn't change much from before. I don't think there's a biohazard sticker big enough to put over your relationship. I hope you find the courage to do yourself the big favor sooner than later.

 

Well said J. Man. Yes yes yes.

[Tanzi]

Okay thanks. Well I could tell my friend and my gf to put their feelings aside and try to get along for my sake, like Blue68 suggested. But I get the feeling that if I do this, there is a big chance this could make things worse. What do you think?

 

Well, this was before I realised that she has a history of this type of behaviour. If your friends can see what she is doing then it is going to hard for them to pretend to like her.

 

My gf wants me to apologize to my friend and tell my friend that I have misinterpreted what happened and a lot of the things that caused my gf's behavior are actually my fault.

 

If you tell your friend that you misinterpreted what your gf said, you will be making yourself look a fool. Firstly, they will know you are talking out of your backside and, secondly, you will look like you have been totally manipulated and controlled by your girlfriend into taking the wrap. You will lose their respect and your girlfriend will be doing far more harm to her already damaged reputation. Quite frankly, you are being foolish even discussing this with her. You need to tell her to let it go. End of.

 

I will apologize for a couple of things I said as I agree with my gf that I could haven handled those two things better and that was considerably my fault. But I do not think I should have to apologize for the rest, and I was thinking of telling my gf that, and that the rest was all her, and I will not apologize to my friend for it.

 

No apologies whatsoever. The wrongdoing here was your gf expecting to read your personal messages. This is ALL on her. You were just trying to be honest but you should have stopped at showing her your messages.

 

But is this unfair? Some people tell me I need to stick up for my gf more.

 

Like who? Your gf? Your gf's friends? Your gf is the one who is doing all the damage here. Your friends are just sharing their honest opinions when you approach them with your relationship problems. Sticking up for your gf is totally unnecessary. She should stop behaving like a spoiled brat!

[Wiseman2]

She may have interpreted it as gossiping about her behind her back rather than talking to her directly. Keep in mind conversation that describe your perspective to friends will have a lot of confirmation bias.

 

Let's just say text convos with your female friends trashing your gf are never going to go over too well in your relationship. Why can't you communicate with your gf rather than about her? Do you think she's manipulating you?

[ironpony]

Well I just wanted to get some outside opinions, rather than discussing it with my gf only. I thought some outside opinions would be less biased perhaps. Also, what is it that is wrong about getting a female friend's perspective on things? Sometimes I feel that I want to see things from a woman perspective point of view rather than guys only. Why is a woman's opinion on something like this, less appropriate?

 

If you tell your friend that you misinterpreted what your gf said, you will be making yourself look a fool. Firstly, they will know you are talking out of your backside and, secondly, you will look like you have been totally manipulated and controlled by your girlfriend into taking the wrap. You will lose their respect and your girlfriend will be doing far more harm to her already damaged reputation. Quite frankly, you are being foolish even discussing this with her. You need to tell her to let it go. End of.

 

This is what I think will happen if I apologize to my friends for what I have said about her, like she wants me too. Should I tell my gf that I don't think I should apologize cause my friends will take it as an apology, but more like talking out of my backside and coming off as a fool?

[Wiseman2]

Iwould not apologize to the friend, but i would tell the gf that you'll talk to her instead of others.

Should I tell my gf that I don't think I should apologize cause my friends will take it as an apology, but more like talking out of my backside and coming off as a fool?

[Tanzi]

This is what I think will happen if I apologize to my friends for what I have said about her, like she wants me too. Should I tell my gf that I don't think I should apologize cause my friends will take it as an apology, but more like talking out of my backside and coming off as a fool?

 

I think you should tell your gf that you WON'T be telling your friend that you misinterpreted what she said because they will not believe it is genuine and they will just assume you have been made to take the wrap. As such it will just confirm what they already think. Then you tell her the subject is now dropped. If you stand up to her, she will have no choice but to drop it. As things stand she thinks she can still manipulate you. The more you allow it, the more she will do it. I doubt very much she will dump you for standing up to her. If that is what she wanted then she would have done so by now.

[ironpony]

Okay thanks. I have already apologized to her for talking to my friends about it.

 

Now as for her wanting me to apologize to my woman friend, does anyone else think I should Blue68 suggested?

[boltnrun]

I notice you are ignoring the questions about why you're continuing with this relationship despite the huge number of issues you've had with this woman.

 

Why?