Suicidal Feeling Lonely and Unloved

[Loli]

I've lived with my boyfriend for about 7 years. He has always been really loving and laid back.

 

I have many mental issues, including Bipolar. When we first got together I would physically attack him in arguments but he was really good at calming me down. Over the years, I've gotten better and now whenever I feel to start losing myself I just go and lay down in bed. It's hard but I do it every time. However, he seems to have gotten worse as I get better. He will come up after me and try to argue even when I say "please leave me alone". Or he will make me sit up and do something, like go on the Ipad which is what I'm doing now. Even though I just want to lay down and cry because I have no energy. Just so he can pretend I'm not depressed.

 

He never takes me anywhere, he used to buy me gifts but doesn't anymore. I haven't been out of the house in months.

 

I can't work due to mental illness but I still work online earning a few 100 every so often. He pays for the bills and food but I pay for my things (clothes etc even though I am LITERALLY wearing rags now. I mean literally, it's just holey cloth I sewed together but it's still holey and mucky).

 

He used to do anything to make me happy, now he gets annoyed at me if I'm ever unhappy.

 

Honestly, I don't ask for much. I sit alone every day, not asking him to take me out. I don't ask him to buy me expensive things. He knows I am extremely suicidal and depressed.

 

I was saving up for a game but he spent all my money (he said he will pay me back). It was £30 and would have made me so happy for weeks. I said "Oh, well I guess I just won't get it then" (you know, how we say 'fine' when it's not really fine - I meant it like that)

 

He just accepted it and when I mentioned it today he said "I thought you had given up on getting that game". Like £30 for my happiness is too much. Even though he buys himself an iPod.

 

I just feel so lonely and I just want to die. Please help me, what do I do? I feel like he doesn't love me anymore. He makes me feel like my mental illness is a choice and my fault. But I can't help it! I don't want to feel so depressed all the time I just can't help it.

[limichelle]

I'm sorry you are feeling very depressed.

 

Doesn't sound like he is supportive of you and would rather sweep your issues under the rug then help you fix them. I suggest you seek outside help for your suicidal thoughts. Speaking to you as somebody who also deals with Bipolar and depression, I know the rut you can get into and it creates those harmful thought patterns, the worse they get the worse your depression will be.

 

You need to seek therapy on how to help get out of your depression. Help you get back on your feet and not rely on your boyfriend for happiness or validation, learn to find those things within yourself.

 

It will take time but you can't go at this alone and your boyfriend isn't professionally trained to help.

 

I would call behavioral health resources in your area and see what they offer.

 

Good luck, remember you don't have to stay in what you think is an unpleasant situation.

 

There is always help.

 

Lisa

[Wiseman2]

The best thing you can do is stay on medication and see your doctor/therapist regularly. Bipolar can spin out of control very easily. Also go to social services for assistance with food, clothing, mental health..

But I can't help it!

[paxkramer]

There's a lot to unpack here, so I want to preface what I'm about to tell you with the disclaimer that I am not being harsh and that I genuinely want to help, okay?

 

Okay, so that being said, you present yourself as a full-time job for him. You say you don't ask for much, but your situation requires so much more of him than most partners require. You've admitted to being physically violent, totally emotionally dependent on him for your own (fleeting) happiness, you don't work, so he needs to financially support you...

 

I mean, he just sounds exhausted. And broken by having to constantly give so much, because you seem to need SO much.

 

I'm not saying these things to be mean, or to assign blame. But to understand your situation, you need to see what he's been dealing with too. I think you need to be honest with yourself and investigate different drug or counseling therapies, because right now, you're 100% dependent on him, and you're slowly destroying him, and because he can't give you that 100% anymore, you're slowly destroying yourself.

 

And that doesn't need to happen. I know you're lonely, and I know you're scared. But going the way you're going is not going to help either one of you. You need to find ways to attain and assert your own independence and contributions, not to keep him around, but to be a happier, more well-rounded person yourself, and then as a secondary bonus, he'll be more likely to stick around where you two can work on things TOGETHER.

 

Nowhere in this thread have you talked about how your needs have affected him. You should think about that and talk to him. Let him know you want to understand and then listen. Start a dialogue.

 

I hope this helps.

[paxkramer]

I'm sorry you are feeling very depressed.

 

Doesn't sound like he is supportive of you and would rather sweep your issues under the rug then help you fix them. I suggest you seek outside help for your suicidal thoughts. Speaking to you as somebody who also deals with Bipolar and depression, I know the rut you can get into and it creates those harmful thought patterns, the worse they get the worse your depression will be.

 

You need to seek therapy on how to help get out of your depression. Help you get back on your feet and not rely on your boyfriend for happiness or validation, learn to find those things within yourself.

 

It will take time but you can't go at this alone and your boyfriend isn't professionally trained to help.

 

I would call behavioral health resources in your area and see what they offer.

 

Good luck, remember you don't have to stay in what you think is an unpleasant situation.

 

There is always help.

 

Lisa

 

I absolutely disagree with this assessment and addressed why in my own post above.

[sara-pezzini]

I have been with an extremely depressed and suicidal partner who also had serious mental disorders, it wears you down!

And in the end i indeed didn't care about him anymore cause it was always about him and his issues and never just about me.

Never again!

 

He sounds exhausted and i can't blame him.

Yes you can't help your issues but understand that it is extremely hard to deal with as a loving partner!

You need professional help and your bf can't be that for you.

[Loli]

There's a lot to unpack here, so I want to preface what I'm about to tell you with the disclaimer that I am not being harsh and that I genuinely want to help, okay?

 

Okay, so that being said, you present yourself as a full-time job for him. You say you don't ask for much, but your situation requires so much more of him than most partners require. You've admitted to being physically violent, totally emotionally dependent on him for your own (fleeting) happiness, you don't work, so he needs to financially support you...

 

I mean, he just sounds exhausted. And broken by having to constantly give so much, because you seem to need SO much.

 

I'm not saying these things to be mean, or to assign blame. But to understand your situation, you need to see what he's been dealing with too. I think you need to be honest with yourself and investigate different drug or counseling therapies, because right now, you're 100% dependent on him, and you're slowly destroying him, and because he can't give you that 100% anymore, you're slowly destroying yourself.

 

And that doesn't need to happen. I know you're lonely, and I know you're scared. But going the way you're going is not going to help either one of you. You need to find ways to attain and asset your own independence and contributions, not to keep him around, but to be a happier, more well-rounded person yourself, and then as a secondary bonus, he'll be more likely to stick around where you two can work on things TOGETHER.

 

Nowhere in this thread have you talked about how your needs have affected him. You should think about that and talk to him. Let him know you want to understand and then listen. Start a dialogue.

 

I hope this helps.

 

I said I USED to be violent. I haven't for years.

 

And I'm constantly apologising to him for being a burden, it's part of what makes me want to kill myself because I'm already well aware that I'm a burden.

 

I only exist within his walls. I don't ask for anything at all. He knows how grateful I am that he feeds me etc and I'm always trying to find ways to make him happy.

 

Honestly, I never ask for anything from anyone and I came here hoping to find help for myself for once. But now I just feel so selfish and more of a burden than before.

 

I just want to die.

 

Thank you for your help.

[paxkramer]

I said I USED to be violent. I haven't for years.

 

And I'm constantly apologising to him for being a burden, it's part of what makes me want to kill myself because I'm already well aware that I'm a burden.

 

I only exist within his walls. I don't ask for anything at all. He knows how grateful I am that he feeds me etc and I'm always trying to find ways to make him happy.

 

Honestly, I never ask for anything from anyone and I came here hoping to find help for myself for once. But now I just feel so selfish and more of a burden than before.

 

I just want to die.

 

Thank you for your help.

 

Like I said, no one here is assigning blame or coming down on you. We understand that you're not doing these things on purpose. I myself am autistic, and diagnosed as bipolar when I was in my teens. I understand on some level where you're coming from. We're just trying to help you see your situation from outside of the vortex of your own emotions and pain, so that hopefully, you'll be able to chart a course out of it and not feel so badly. You don't need to die. But I can understand why you want the pain to stop.

 

And it can. Without dying. You just have to try different things that what you know, or what you've tried up until now. And we're hear to help be a sounding board for you.

 

Hope this helps.

[Zaphod]

When you say "extremely suicidal" - what do you mean? Have you in the past made a lot of attempts at killing yourself, perhaps only to be stopped in the nick of time by your bf? Or something like that?

 

To be honest, it sounds like he's part of the problem from your initial post.

[paxkramer]

When you say "extremely suicidal" - what do you mean? Have you in the past made a lot of attempts at killing yourself, perhaps only to be stopped in the nick of time by your bf? Or something like that?

 

To be honest, it sounds like he's part of the problem from your initial post.

 

Respectfully, how do you figure that? Enabling?

[Wiseman2]

Your bf can not replace the power of being on the proper medication and therapy. If he prevents you or discourages you from getting appropriate care, then he is keeping you like this.

 

If you refuse to get the proper medical care, then it's on you why you feel the way you do.

He knows how grateful I am that he feeds me etc and I'm always trying to find ways to make him happy.

[sara-pezzini]

Agree with pax again, you only view this from your point of view but look beyond your own pain and see your bf's situation...

But even so, he is with you because he loves you and you have to trust that and not thank him for feeding you, he's not your caregiver, he is your partner and he loves you!

You have to get a little out of the victims role and be more equal to him, you say you try to make him happy, good! And it must be working but he's just tired it i guess.

Do you have professional help? If not, get it!

Are you on meds? If not, you need them! And will feel better taking them!

Even on here you immediately get defensive and say you want to die when we try to show you the other side, don't do that!

We're trying to help okay!

I know what it was being in a relationship like that and never again because he just didn't want to try anything.

But you can! You came on here for help i assume?

Or just to vent? Would it be great to have everyone tell you how bad your bf is?

No of course not because you want to change the situation!

And i think with a little help it can change, even if just little by little.

Meet your bf halfway and see the change!

[Zaphod]

Respectfully, how do you figure that? Enabling?

 

A few things :

 

However, he seems to have gotten worse as I get better. He will come up after me and try to argue even when I say "please leave me alone".

 

He never takes me anywhere, he used to buy me gifts but doesn't anymore. I haven't been out of the house in months.

 

He used to do anything to make me happy, now he gets annoyed at me if I'm ever unhappy.

 

I was saving up for a game but he spent all my money

 

Even though he buys himself an iPod.

 

He makes me feel like my mental illness is a choice and my fault.

 

Ibn fact I'm slightly surprised at your question, seeing as about 50% of her post is about being mistreated by her bf.

[sara-pezzini]

A few things :

 

 

 

He never takes me anywhere, he used to buy me gifts but doesn't anymore. I haven't been out of the house in months.

 

He used to do anything to make me happy, now he gets annoyed at me if I'm ever unhappy.

 

I was saving up for a game but he spent all my money

 

Even though he buys himself an iPod.

 

He makes me feel like my mental illness is a choice and my fault.[/Loli]

 

Ibn fact I'm slightly surprised at your question, seeing as about 50% of her post is about being mistreated by her bf.

 

Sorry but try being in a relationship like that for 7 years and see if you're still do attentive as in the beginning!

[paxkramer]

A few things :

 

 

 

He never takes me anywhere, he used to buy me gifts but doesn't anymore. I haven't been out of the house in months.

 

He used to do anything to make me happy, now he gets annoyed at me if I'm ever unhappy.

 

I was saving up for a game but he spent all my money

 

Even though he buys himself an iPod.

 

He makes me feel like my mental illness is a choice and my fault.[/Loli]

 

Ibn fact I'm slightly surprised at your question, seeing as about 50% of her post is about being mistreated by her bf.

 

I disagree with your assessment here. He's not mistreating her. He isn't her caretaker, he's her partner. Your read on the situation is... curious. Is he supposed to do everything for her all the time and get so little in return? And if he doesn't like that, he's mistreating her? No, I don't think so.

[Zaphod]

Sorry but try being in a relationship like that for 7 years and see if you're still do attentive as in the beginning!

 

That's no excuse. I think the things I quoted are far beyond simply "not being as attentive" - most of them are downright mistreatment. If he can't treat her right, set her free to find someone that genuinely loves her and will treat her as such.

[paxkramer]

That's no excuse. I think the things I quoted are far beyond simply "not being as attentive" - most of them are downright mistreatment. If he can't treat her right, set her free to find someone that genuinely loves her and will treat her as such.

 

I...wow. I just don't think I could disagree more.

[Zaphod]

I disagree with your assessment here. He's not mistreating her. He isn't her caretaker, he's her partner. Your read on the situation is... curious. Is he supposed to do everything for her all the time and get so little in return? And if he doesn't like that, he's mistreating her? No, I don't think so.

 

You think that nicking her money, and accusing her of making a concious choice to be depressed, and never taking her out anywhere, and getting annoyed with her if she's unhappy is the kind of treatment one would expect from a loving partner?

[paxkramer]

You think that nicking her money, and accusing her of making a concious choice to be depressed, and never taking her out anywhere, and getting annoyed with her if she's unhappy is the kind of treatment one would expect from a loving partner?

 

I will simply invite you to re-read her initial post and then ask if you stand by your assertions.

[Zaphod]

I will simply invite you to re-read her initial post and then ask if you stand by your assertions.

 

All the quotes I cited are indeed still in the initial post. Yes I do stand by my assertions.

[paxkramer]

All the quotes I cited are indeed still in the initial post. Yes I do stand by my assertions.

 

You're entitled to your opinion. I couldn't agree less, but I'm curious what other posters will tell us when they post.

[sara-pezzini]

He doesn't accuse her of making a choice between being depressed and happy, she FEELS that he thinks that and given her reaction on here to a few words of advice, i think she tends to take things way to personal.

So a lot of what she described is how she feels!

It is not his job to make her happy, happiness comes from within. And trust me if you spend years in a relationship with a partner who is always too depressed to do anything, wants to kill themselves and have severe mental issues, that wears you down and trust me, that can kill any deep love!

She has to get professional help and take meds if she doesn't already, and who knows maybe it will help, maybe it won't.

But from my own experience, being in her shoes is hell but being in her bf's shoes is hell as well!

You think it's easy watching someone you love being curled up in bed saying they want to die?

 

Edit....I'm going to leave this thread because it brings back memories and feelings i don't need at the moment and also i think poor loli is afraid to respond anymore.

And she should feel safe to post here.....

So i wish you the best loli and hope things go better for you!

[Zaphod]

He doesn't accuse her of making a choice between being depressed and happy, she FEELS that he thinks that and given her reaction on here to a few words of advice, i think she tends to take things way to personal.

So a lot of what she described is how she feels!

It is not his job to make her happy, happiness comes from within. And trust me if you spend years in a relationship with a partner who is always too depressed to do anything, wants to kill themselves and have severe mental issues, that wears you down and trust me, that can kill any deep love!

She has to get professional help and take meds if she doesn't already, and who knows maybe it will help, maybe it won't.

But from my own experience, being in her shoes is hell but being in her bf's shoes is hell as well!

You think it's easy watching someone you love being curled up in bed saying they want to die?

 

Edit....I'm going to leave this thread because it brings back memories and feelings i don't need at the moment and also i think poor loli is afraid to respond anymore.

And she should feel safe to post here.....

So i wish you the best loli and hope things go better for you!

 

Ah, now this at least has some kind of theory (although subjective) to it, although I would argue that if one can't remain understanding and supportive, one ought to seriously reconsider one's position.

 

It's about that time now on this thread that the OP should re-post and clear a few things up I think.

[Cheetarah]

Loli, mental illness takes its own special toll on those around us, too. Although it is too hard for us to recognize that because we are immersed in our own pain. We know you don't want to feel this way.

 

As you cannot work, do you receive any kind of disability payments? Do you regularly take your medications, and do you have access to mental health professionals who can offer you therapy or medication management? You might need your meds tweaked(assuming you are taking them).

[I_Speak_Jive]

Girl, no.

 

First of all, and this is very important - mental illness SUCKS and I know for a fact that there is more to solving it than just forcing yourself to get out of bed and get a job. If only it were that easy. Being clinically bipolar, depressed and suicidal is a very serious matter that requires understanding and compassion, even from perfect strangers on an anonymous online board. You have my understanding and compassion , especially as someone who once felt so desperately wretched and disgusting that I could barely get out of bed for a while and genuinely thought death would be a good idea. I know it's tough as hell.

 

Having said that, here comes what I think will help you to read:

 

- You. NEED. TREATMENT. I don't care for your excuses, I have heard them all a million times: it's hard, it's bureaucratic, it's scary, it takes too long, I don't have the time, they don't care about me, I don't want to be a statistic. Whatever. This is YOUR life and you only have one, so you do what it takes to make it work. You turn on the autopilot and you drag yourself to your GP. You are in the UK so there IS help available. Is it perfect? No. But you don't need perfect - no one does. You just need something to get you started, and it's right there. Seriously, tomorrow. Tomorrow is Monday, so you get out of bed early in the morning, take a shower, have a bite to eat and walk down to your local NHS centre. They WILL see you. They WILL listen and you will have a chat with someone nice and they will help you.

 

- Your boyfriend cannot be expected to save you. You cannot really make those kinds of demands on him anymore. You may not realise this and you definitely do not intend this, but you are very slowly sucking the life energy out of him. DISCLAIMER: this does NOT make you a bad person in any way. This is just a terrible yet very common symptom of your illness. This is why it is absolutely imperative that you seek medical help - for your very own sake but also for that of those whom you love and who love you.

 

- The sitting around wearing literal, actual rags... No. Rags are for dishes, not people. Can you afford a makeover and a shopping spree? Doesn't sound like it at the moment, but also you don't need any of those things. In the worst case scenario, there are good, lightly used, donated clothes you can have for free - check out Oxfam, your local parish, whatever. People are always donating clothes. Similar thing goes for your hair and your body in general: the cleaner and neater you hold yourself, the better you will feel inside.

 

- And finally, the martyrdom. End it, end it forever, kill it with fire. Nobody is going to take pity on you for more than a passing second because you are sitting at home in rags and are depressed. Nobody has the time or the mental bandwith because we are all dealing with our own crap. Your boyfriend is not mean to you - he is just drained and spent and exhausted. You used to beat him, for God's sake. Yes, it was a long time ago, but that doesn't just go away because you wish it would go away. You are not a victim, so stop acting like one and quit feeling sorry for yourself. If you have survived years of depression then you are STRONG AS HELL. People who haven't gone through it don't know what it's like, but I do and you are not broken or weak. You just need treatment.

 

I hope that helped in some way. And I hope you feel a lot better very soon.