Really needing support please

[quantumgirl65]

Hi ...im glad i found this forum as i need advice and reassurance i think, either that im in the wrong, or he is and im not crazy!

I care deeply for a man who treats me very well and loves me dearly. Weve been together 5 months.

However he calls talking about feelings 'arguing' and i feel inhibited as to expressing my fears and negative feelings as he walks away from situations where im trying to talk in a normal voice about anything he doesnt perceive as positive or happy.

Tonight i asked to make love, there was mis communication on both our parts about rejecting my request, i felt sad and hurt and said ' You are obviously not into it...Whatever' in a text, and he then accused me of

''screaming at him in the text because he wouldnt make love to me''

, which i found shocking. I was hurt and said i felt sad and a bit rejected. So im really concerned about not feeling able to talk or express negative feelings like sadness, without him accusing me of screaming. He exaggerated wildly so now im freaked out as it just seems crazy.

Am i crazy? Is he wrong or me? I feel really shocked and taken aback at his reaction but similar things have occurred previously so now im unsure of my judgement. Other than this he is amazing!

[Wiseman2]

5 mos.? It's time to dump him since all he wants to do is thwart, reject and argue with you. He is not 'amazing' if you can't even talk to him without a hurtful argument. All he's doing is hurting you, what's the point it will just get worse?

 

Cut your losses. Text him "It's not working out, we're not a match" then block him from your phone and social media.

 

You can do much better than this by finding someone decent. Get on some dating apps browse what else is out there for you begin messaging and meeting men. You will find guys that are not this nasty and selfish.

Weve been together 5 months. However he calls talking about feelings 'arguing' ''screaming at him in the text because he wouldnt make love to me''

[j.man]

' You are obviously not into it...Whatever'

Honestly.... that **** gets old and fast. It's passive aggressive goading. If I were him, I wouldn't even bothered responding to the text. Not sure if I'd call it "yelling over text," but I certainly wouldn't be amused.

 

You two have been together just five months... you're still in what should be the honeymoon phase. Having frequent conversations about fears and negative feelings is tiring, even more so if directed toward him even if indirectly. And really, if needing to have these talks is this much of a trend, you two may just not be right for each other.

 

What other times have you brought up matters of "feelings?" Content matters a lot more than the tone of your voice.

[DancingFool]

You are crazy in that you think this man actually treats you well and loves you dearly, when he very blatantly does neither.

 

He is hands down crazy as in from what you describe he sounds like he has severe psychological and emotional issues if not outright personality disorder. There is only one way that you deal with that GET OUT! RUN!

 

It's just 5 months and he already has a good handle on how to manipulate you and make it your fault. You are screaming, you are this and that. You are not communicating properly. Understand that when someone behaves so wildly and accuses you of weird things, shuts you down - they don't care about you, you have met a dangerous person who is seeking to manipulate you and break you because they can. He is blatantly rejecting you and you think he cares.....do you see the disconnect? I hope so. You know his behavior is wrong, but in just 5 months you are already uncertain about your judgment of right and wrong. Please just get out. Dump him, block him and watch your back. You don't know the full extent of his crazy.

[j.man]

It's just 5 months and he already has a good handle on how to manipulate you and make it your fault.

Really??

 

Imagine a guy came on here complaining about his girlfriend getting upset after he'd guilted her for not wanting to have sex with him hat night. How well would that one go over?

 

No, she didn't "scream at him" through text as he suggests, but it's a fair enough interpretation if he's being chided for having the audacity not to be her meat stick that night. Given that's the example she's chosen to provide us, I'm worried about what else she deems justifiable to passive aggressively goad him on just because she does it in a normal voice.

[DancingFool]

Really??

 

Imagine a guy came on here complaining about his girlfriend getting upset after he'd guilted her for not wanting to have sex with him hat night. How well would that one go over?

 

No, she didn't "scream at him" through text as he suggests, but it's a fair enough interpretation if he's being chided for having the audacity not to be her meat stick that night. Given that's the example she's chosen to provide us, I'm worried about what else she deems justifiable to passive aggressively goad him on just because she does it in a normal voice.

 

Methinks you are reading into and projecting way more than the OP has written - she didn't say anything about chiding him or riding his rear about it and it's NOT just about sex. You seem have fixated on just that part though and gone to town with it..... He is accusing her of "arguing" if she wants to share how she feels. Sorry but that is wild and weird. Accusing her of "screaming" is equally bizzarre.

[j.man]

Methinks you are reading into and projecting way more than the OP has written - she didn't say anything about chiding him or riding his rear about it and it's NOT just about sex. You seem have fixated on just that part though and gone to town with it..... He is accusing her of "arguing" if she wants to share how she feels. Sorry but that is wild and weird. Accusing her of "screaming" is equally bizzarre.

Projecting? How about quoting. She provided us a specific example of her sharing her feelings. It involves passive aggressively chiding him for being a bad pogo stick. I'm speaking on the evidence directly provided by the OP. You're fixated on details unspoken, going as far as to accuse him of having severe psychological and emotional issues and being crazy. Details I've asked the OP to expound on and I'd hope you would wait on before putting the Holiday Inn MSW into practice. If OP can provide us some examples that actually suggest what you accuse him of, I'll be right there with you.

 

And really, flip the script, make it about a man guilting a woman for not wanting sex, and I guarantee there wouldn't be a word of support. As well there shouldn't be.

[j.man]

It's not as simple as "voicing feelings." A husband could come home from work and do a walk through, voicing all kinds of "feelings" about how bad a job he thinks the wife did. I'd hope none of us would particularly care whether he did so in a calm voice or not. Content matters and too many people (men and women) get away with emotionally chipping away at their partners while swinging their feet sitting atop a pedestal because they happened not to yell while they did it. Unfortunately, the one example the OP provided happened to demonstrate a fault of her own. If her example is indicative of the general tone, I'd hardly blame the boyfriend. If not, I'd like to hear other examples she's got.

[rayfutz]

I care deeply for a man who treats me very well and loves me dearly. Weve been together 5 months.

mis communication on both our parts

in a text

accused me of ''screaming at him

So im really concerned about not feeling able to talk or express negative feelings like sadness, without him accusing me of screaming.

He exaggerated wildly so now im freaked out as it just seems crazy.

Am i crazy? Is he wrong or me?

Other than this he is amazing!

 

Stop texting about feelings. #1. Probably stop texting alltogether if it is a problem. Let him see your face and hear your voice. Half the time, things really are not so bad, or bad at all, but it comes across wrong in text. You have been there before, so have I, so has everyone at one time or another. How often do you argue when you are face to face? I mean, compared to phone and texting etc. Maybe he is less about tone of voice or words on paper, and more of a guy who needs to see you when you are talking to know what's up when you say what you do.

[nutbrownhare]

Discussing emotions by text is not terribly helpful, as there's no body language or any non-verbal clues which convey your true intentions. (Incidentally, there's a drama exercise which consists of a couple of lines of dialogue, and the exercise consists of exploring how different emphases, tone of voice and body language can totally change the meaning of the words).

 

That said, it's important when discussing your emotions that you keep to 'I feel...' statements, and take responsibility for your own feelings. As j.man says

You are obviously not into it...Whatever

is passive-aggressive. If you're feeling sad and hurt, say so - but don't blame him, and certainly don't punish him for not fulfilling your needs. A nicer way of putting it would have been to tell him that you'd really enjoy making love, but respect his feelings. BUT DON'T SAY THIS BY TEXT!!!

 

Making 'I...' statements as opposed to 'You...' statements is the difference between intimacy and game-playing; and if you're in a relationship with someone who really can't cope with you being honest and vulnerable - then that's a relationship you really shouldn't be in. But making passive-aggressive statements, and then feeling put out because the other person reacts badly is not the way to have a happy relationship.

 

Of course, you're the only person on here who really knows the nature of your day-to-day communication. But if you can truthfully say that you don't play games, are open and honest with him, and he gets angry when you are... then you have your answer.

[ParisPaulette]

Regardless, at five months in this is clearly a huge mismatch between two people who should be so over the moon at this stage that one of you could say, "I think we should move to France and raise llamas" while you high five each other and talk about how you've each found your perfect mate and what a fantastic idea that is and how your partner is so brilliant.

 

Then you fall to the floor and rip each other's clothes off.

 

Five months in this sounds like a couple who weren't that great to begin with, stayed together for whatever dumb reason, and now 15 years later and married with a mortgage and two kids they don't want to walk away from are sniping and full of resentments and anger over...I'm not exactly sure what.

 

Five months in this is who the guy is, his style of communication clearly doesn't mesh with yours, and you now walk around on eggshells while he is on the defensive. You two shouldn't even be coming up for air at this stage of the game, so clearly something is horribly wrong. This is where continuing to hammer that square peg into the round hole with your bare hands while bleeding and getting splinters might not be such a great idea.

 

OP it is totally okay to say, "You know, at five months I now know this guy a whole lot better and our communication styles don't mesh and we clearly are mismatched here. So let me break this off now before we invest more time in each other, because this isn't going to work.

 

P.S. Texting is the worst possible way to communicate. Does no one use a phone anymore. Text is so open to personal interpretation, because people can't see or hear emotions that it's just stupid. Plus fights over sex? At this stage? Yeah, it's done.

[polaris]

Weve been together 5 months.

However he calls talking about feelings 'arguing' and i feel inhibited as to expressing my fears and negative feelings as he walks away from situations where im trying to talk in a normal voice about anything he doesnt perceive as positive or happy.

 

Welcome to my world. After 5 months with my ex, we had a similar pattern, with me in your role. If I was feeling insecure or upset about something, I would try to express it in a calm and quiet manner and ask if she could behave in some other way towards me, only to be accused of guilt-tripping. We might have a discussion about it, in which as far as I was concerned it was resolved, but more often than not she would simply stonewall. Either way, I was told that I start "arguments" all the time and she can't stand all the arguing (aka expression of feelings, aka constructive discussions to me).

 

Am i crazy? Is he wrong or me? I feel really shocked and taken aback at his reaction but similar things have occurred previously so now im unsure of my judgement. Other than this he is amazing!

 

In the relationship before the one with my most recent ex, I was actually in the other role, so I can see this from both sides. You'll see from the different opinions of some of the other posters in this thread that there really arguments to be made for both sides. On the one hand, you need to be allowed to express your feelings and any unhappiness you're feeling, and discuss it constructively with a view to improving things. On the other hand, it quickly gets tiring and demoralising when a partner is frequently telling you that they're unhappy, and not grow tired and frankly bored of it after a while. It's also hard not to see it as a personal attack, even if it's not intended that way.

 

Ultimately, as some of the others have said, what it amounts to is a huge incompatibility. It doesn't stop you loving each other; my recent ex and I loved each other hugely and on my side I really couldn't let go of her, and for a long time she couldn't let go of me either. So we carried on in that pattern for some months, having endless conflicts in which she felt pressured and attacked, and I felt stonewalled, until eventually she'd had enough. It broke my heart, and it's early days so it still does now, but I can't honestly say she did the wrong thing. Ultimately, this kind of incompatibility will kill a relationship; the sooner you get out, the less hurt you will be.