Missing my booty call!

[jessielein]

After I broke up with my LDR boyfriend in February, I was extremely sad. Went to a birthday party of a friend and when I went back home to another friend, I met this Italian guy, who happened to be my friend's neighbour, in the bus. At the first glance, I found him attractive... Tall, dark hair with stubble.

Fast forward in June, coincidentally we matched each other on Tinder. I wasn't ready for a serious relationship/commitment or something like that, so at the beginning I told him that I was looking for a companionship (which means, of course, some companion and casual sex).

 

So, we decided to meet and it was so fun! We laughed a lot, he is so funny and flirty and we could talk a lot. We danced on a park that night, ended up kissing, we went home to me and had sex. The sex was great and he stayed that night. A couple of days after that, he texted me.

At the beginning I was very aloof regarding to texting, as in my mind, I needed to keep being aloof and distance myself whenever we are not together so that we won't develop some feelings. I don't want a relationship anyway.

 

Between the first time we met from Tinder until now, we've seen each other 5 times, mostly I stayed at his place until morning or late afternoon, depends on our schedule, then we would go and take the train together to college/work. Between this one month, he was abroad for a week and now he's been also away in Italy for a music tour (for about 2.5 weeks). So our meeting was quite intense, about twice a week. We went to sauna/swimming together, grabbed some foods outside, walked on a park, he cooked for me, went cycling while he did the work, while I was sitting. We always had a lot of topics to talk, from unimportant things until family, past relationships, the world etc. The last time we met, the night before he went to Italy, we talked so much until 5 a.m and started sex that time so we both were very tired, didn't have much energy, we both didn't come and I just fell asleep.

 

We don't text while he is away in Italy, and I feel I am missing him! I am not sure whether I get attached to him. Sure, I like him, if I didn't like him, I wouldn't have slept with him. But somehow I feel worry that he will meet someone he likes in Italy and won't contact me anymore once he gets back here. I know this sounds ridiculous...

Maybe this is only a feeling of missing his companionship, but I am afraid that I might catch some feelings. I can't see myself being in a serious relationship with him as I am not sure that we would make a good couple. There are some things about him that might not align with my lifestyle, we have a different world, for example he is a musician, who travels a lot (I hate LDR), and who also always dated mucisians, he is an owl/night person, free spirit and I don't think he wants any commitment with me either.

 

What should I do? Is it normal to miss your booty call? Sure I would like to continue our situationship, but I am not sure until how long I will be able to keep my feelings not developing. Can you stay liking someone or more, enjoy their company but not wanting any serious commitment?

[chitown9]

I think that he will get in touch with you when he returns. chi

[Wiseman2]

Sure. He has become a fwb and you can enjoy it. Just keep reminding yourself of the nature of this.

Is it normal to miss your booty call? Sure I would like to continue our situationship, but I am not sure until how long I will be able to keep my feelings not developing. Can you stay liking someone or more, enjoy their company but not wanting any serious commitment?

[lostlove76]

Seems to me like one person always ends up having feelings and getting hurt in FWB situations. I'm sure that's not true 100% of the time, but it seems to happen more often than not. You can tell yourself that you don't want a relationship and that there are compatibility issues, but the heart often overrides the mind. Sounds like you've already caught feelings, since you're missing him and worrying about him meeting someone else enough to post about it. Guys seem more capable of separating sex/companionship and attachment/feelings than we women are. I normally avoid FWB situations like the plague, but a couple years ago I was lonely and thought I would give it a try with someone I knew did not want a relationship. It wasn't long before I wanted more and ended up feeling all out of sorts. I just think you're kind of fooling yourself here, as I was. You like the guy and you're getting attached.

 

On a side note, I've never understood why people claim not to want a relationship but then get sexually involved. Seems like forcing oneself to maintain a certain level of independence simply to prove some point.

[Clinton]

I'm with lostlove. I can't count the number of Fwb posts I've seen on here where someone has ended up heartbroken.

 

As to him contacting you again, unless he now has a girlfriend(and maybe even if he does) I'm sure he'll be quite happy to continue having sex with you.

[jessielein]

Seems to me like one person always ends up having feelings and getting hurt in FWB situations. I'm sure that's not true 100% of the time, but it seems to happen more often than not. You can tell yourself that you don't want a relationship and that there are compatibility issues, but the heart often overrides the mind. Sounds like you've already caught feelings, since you're missing him and worrying about him meeting someone else enough to post about it. Guys seem more capable of separating sex/companionship and attachment/feelings than we women are. I normally avoid FWB situations like the plague, but a couple years ago I was lonely and thought I would give it a try with someone I knew did not want a relationship. It wasn't long before I wanted more and ended up feeling all out of sorts. I just think you're kind of fooling yourself here, as I was. You like the guy and you're getting attached.

 

On a side note, I've never understood why people claim not to want a relationship but then get sexually involved. Seems like forcing oneself to maintain a certain level of independence simply to prove some point.

 

Well, not really. I had FWB relationships before, twice and I ended both. First, because the sex wasn't that great, and the second because the guy was very boring. Didn't have conversations etc, and he ended up being so needy/desperate so it was really a turn off.

 

The fact that I am not wanting relationship (at least at the moment), is that I am now in a point of my life where I am not ready to commit to anyone. I have some personal issues (diagnosed having a mid depression) and am seeing a therapist now. First I want to work on my personal issues and then after that, when I feel happy about myself, I can share my happiness to someone else too. But right now I am not at the best version of myself, I don't think I can give someone a lot atm, as I myself, not feeling happy inside. Basically, I am just not ready emotionally. But personally, as a human being sometimes I need physical relationship to release stress, also sometimes a little bit of affection. Until now I am quite satisfied with the situation between me and my fwb, only now he's been away for weeks.

 

After broke up from my ex ex boyfriend, I also thought that I would not get sexually involved with anyone beyond relationship, and I didn't, for 8 months!! Apparently it didn't make me very happy. Sex can be fulfilling sometimes, when you are stressed. And I think that's very natural. Everyone is different, though. I've talked to my therapist and she said that is very okay, as long as I am satisfied/happy with the situation.

[jessielein]

Seems to me like one person always ends up having feelings and getting hurt in FWB situations. I'm sure that's not true 100% of the time, but it seems to happen more often than not. You can tell yourself that you don't want a relationship and that there are compatibility issues, but the heart often overrides the mind. Sounds like you've already caught feelings, since you're missing him and worrying about him meeting someone else enough to post about it. Guys seem more capable of separating sex/companionship and attachment/feelings than we women are. I normally avoid FWB situations like the plague, but a couple years ago I was lonely and thought I would give it a try with someone I knew did not want a relationship. It wasn't long before I wanted more and ended up feeling all out of sorts. I just think you're kind of fooling yourself here, as I was. You like the guy and you're getting attached.

 

On a side note, I've never understood why people claim not to want a relationship but then get sexually involved. Seems like forcing oneself to maintain a certain level of independence simply to prove some point.

 

But I agree, sometimes feelings can change over time. But I don't agree that woman always falls for the men.... I think I need to discipline myself, for example if I am not happy with the situation or if my needs don't meet, then I have to break it off.

[jessielein]

I'm with lostlove. I can't count the number of Fwb posts I've seen on here where someone has ended up heartbroken.

 

As to him contacting you again, unless he now has a girlfriend(and maybe even if he does) I'm sure he'll be quite happy to continue having sex with you.

 

Haha I hope so, too. Well, when a man says so... then probably that's true.

[ThatwasThen]

Sure I would like to continue our situationship, but I am not sure until how long I will be able to keep my feelings not developing

Your whole problem is that you both crossed casual sexual relationship boundaries by doing bonding rituals like sleeping overnight in one another's bed, cuddling and doing relationship-like activities together. You've bonded already so either stop doing him al together or, stop doing the bonding activities with him and just meet up for sex, leave and don't see him again until one or the other wants sex and you just have sex... OR: Talk to him about making your relationship official and see what he thinks about that proposal.

 

First... make up your mind about what you want and then act accordingly. If you want more with him and it turns out he does not want that same thing, then you would do well to care enough about your own emotional health to get yourself away from him so you can rehab from the addiction of having sex with him.

[Wolfshook]

Nothing wrong in missing something that gets you off. I miss my fwb from time to time,but it's not nearly in the same way I'd miss somebody that I loved.

 

But I dont really like cuddling and would rather sleep in another bed after sex.

 

The less you think about it,less will you be confused.

[jessielein]

Your whole problem is that you both crossed casual sexual relationship boundaries by doing bonding rituals like sleeping overnight in one another's bed, cuddling and doing relationship-like activities together. You've bonded already so either stop doing him al together or, stop doing the bonding activities with him and just meet up for sex, leave and don't see him again until one or the other wants sex and you just have sex... OR: Talk to him about making your relationship official and see what he thinks about that proposal.

 

First... make up your mind about what you want and then act accordingly. If you want more with him and it turns out he does not want that same thing, then you would do well to care enough about your own emotional health to get yourself away from him so you can rehab from the addiction of having sex with him.

 

You're right. But won't purely sex just be plain boring?

 

And about that proposal... Omg, no! Why would I have to talk to him about making it official? The thing is, I don't want to make it official

I would freak out and not know what to say if he talked to me wanting to make it official. Imagining that makes me giggling a little bit. Just because I don't have that romantic feelings or something ridiculous like that. I think my feelings to him are more like.... trust, respect, and friendly feelings, a bit more than friend, but it's obviously not love.

[jessielein]

Nothing wrong in missing something that gets you off. I miss my fwb from time to time,but it's not nearly in the same way I'd miss somebody that I loved.

 

But I dont really like cuddling and would rather sleep in another bed after sex.

 

The less you think about it,less will you be confused.

 

Are you a man by the way?

 

Yes, that's a good point. Remembering how I missed someone I loved is different than this feeling of missing my fwb.

I don't know, I like him more than a friend, but not liking him like..... "I hope you'll be the father of my children" or something like that hehe, that'd be funny.

[ThatwasThen]

You're right. But won't purely sex just be plain boring?

I thought that's why you started this silly casual sexual "thing" you have with him because that's all you wanted. Yet here you are telling us without any doubt that you want more then just sex otherwise you'd not ask "won't it be boring" Casual sex is about the S.E.X. its NOT about all the other stuff that being in a committed serious relationship entails.

 

And about that proposal... Omg, no! Why would I have to talk to him about making it official? The thing is, I don't want to make it official Well, then... stop crossing casual relationship boundaries. It's that simple.

I would freak out and not know what to say if he talked to me wanting to make it official. Imagining that makes me giggling a little bit. Just because I don't have that romantic feelings or something ridiculous like that. I think my feelings to him are more like.... trust, respect, and friendly feelings, a bit more than friend, but it's obviously not love.

Then what is this thread even about? You don't want to have a relationship with him so don't do the bonding rituals or you are going to THINK you have feelings for him, you are going to go through all the negative emotions like jealousy and angst and fear when he is with other women and leaves the No Strings Attached thing he has with you. If you're missing him then you are on a slippery slope to being too invested. (due to those bonding rituals) If you're fearing he will be with other women, then clearly you are investing too much in your eff buddy.

 

Keep it real.

[jessielein]

I thought that's why you started this silly casual sexual "thing" you have with him because that's all you wanted. Yet here you are telling us without any doubt that you want more then just sex otherwise you'd not ask "won't it be boring" Casual sex is about the S.E.X. its NOT about all the other stuff that being in a committed serious relationship entails.

 

Well, then... stop crossing casual relationship boundaries. It's that simple.

Then what is this thread even about. You don't want to have a relationship with him so don't do the bonding rituals or you are going to THINK you have feelings for him, you are going to go through all the negative emotions like jealousy and angst and fear when he is with other women and leaves the No Strings Attached thing he has with you.

 

Keep it real.

 

I said I wanted a companionship, not just sex.

If it was just sex it would leave me the feeling of being like a piece of meat, and I don't want that.

 

What I need at the moment is just a little bit of companion, having fun, and of course the sex - without any serious commitment/labelling what we are doing. I think until now it works well.

 

I'll see what happens when he returns. I just know that I have to call it off when I develop more and more feelings.

[HeartGoesOn]

If it was just sex it would leave me the feeling of being like a piece of meat, and I don't want that.

 

No offense towards anyone, but isn't this what FWB's is all about?

[Wolfshook]

I said I wanted a companionship, not just sex.

If it was just sex it would leave me the feeling of being like a piece of meat, and I don't want that.

 

What I need at the moment is just a little bit of companion, having fun, and of course the sex - without any serious commitment/labelling what we are doing. I think until now it works well.

 

I'll see what happens when he returns. I just know that I have to call it off when I develop more and more feelings.

 

What you need is stop lying to yourself about what this is. It's a fck buddy type of relationship and that's ok, once you accept that you will stop feeling like a piece of meat.

 

And no, you dont need to call it off, you then need to talk about it to him, dont runn from things in your life.

[jessielein]

If you're fearing he will be with other women, then clearly you are investing too much in your eff buddy.

 

Keep it real.

 

?? I don't mind if he is with other woman or something, because I know exactly we are not exclusive. The thing is, I was worried that he won't contact me again once he returns. Which means, I would have to look for another person who also wants the same thing, and that's not easy.

[jessielein]

Ok guys... I don' know whether this situation is fwb or booty call / hook up or whatever it is... We call it a companionship but maybe people have different definitions... From the beginning we had the talk that it would be only about having fun, companion, and sex, basically just doing what "couples" do, it's just has the lack of commitment or obligations. My early question was just whether it's normal to miss this person and until when I could stay not being too attached.

[Wiseman2]

The thing is, I don't want to make it official

 

[video=youtube;hic-dnps6MU] ]

[jessielein]

What you need is stop lying to yourself about what this is. It's a fck buddy type of relationship and that's ok, once you accept that you will stop feeling like a piece of meat.

 

And no, you dont need to call it off, you then need to talk about it to him, dont runn from things in your life.

 

Ok, right now everything is okay for me. I am SATISFIED with the situations, and it's not that I am feeling very insecure and wanting something more. Not at all. I just MISS him, and like you said, it's a different feeling from missing someone you loved.

 

But if someday at certain point I want to end it, because if maybe I might catch more feelings someday, why couldn't I just call it off? Would you need to talk to him/her?

[ThatwasThen]

I said I wanted a companionship, not just sex.

Then that is a good way for you to get hurt as your feelings grow through bonding and when he stops effing you, you're going to be too addicted to just so "oh well, that was nice while it lasted" You're are already too invested if you're worrying he's going to replace you.

If it was just sex it would leave me the feeling of being like a piece of meat, and I don't want that.

You are being a bit immature in that thinking. Certainly talking before sex and after and then saying a nice good bye.. see you next time is in order but to sleep over, and do other BONDING rituals and date-like-romantic-overtures is going to make you attached to the point that you will be going through all of the negative emotions that you would go through when being in a romantic committed relationship. You're becoming addicted to having him in your life in more ways then just sexually. Surely you can understand that your "extras" are what are making you bond to so that now you "miss him" and you "fear he will meet someone else."

 

What I need at the moment is just a little bit of companion, having fun, and of course the sex - without any serious commitment/labelling what we are doing. I think until now it works well.

The screw him and get yourself a dog or a good female friend for companionship. You are messing with your own mind and emotional health. It's just starting now with "I miss my FWB" You will only get more attached if you keep up the status quo.

 

I'll see what happens when he returns. I just know that I have to call it off when I develop more and more feelings.

You talk the talk but something tells me, since you miss him enough to start a thread about him that you won't be able to walk the walk and being with him will stagnate you from finding a good man that will give you everything you need in a man and with whom you will want a relationship with.

 

Right now you don't even know if he'll call you again for more sex after he returns from being away. Chances are he will because most men aren't stupid enough to give up sex with someone who is willing. . . unless they find a replacement.

 

Just telling you the most likely outcome so that you're prepared for it.

[jessielein]

[video=youtube;hic-dnps6MU] ]

 

Haha, thanks for the video!

[jessielein]

You talk the talk but something tells me, since you miss him enough to start a thread about him that you won't be able to walk the walk and being with him will stagnate you from finding a good man that will give you everything you need in a man and with whom you will want a relationship with.

 

Right now you don't even know if he'll call you again for more sex after he returns from being away. Chances are he will because most men aren't stupid enough to give up sex with someone who is willing. . . unless they find a replacement.

 

Just telling you the most likely outcome so that you're prepared for it.

 

Look, I mentioned that at the moment I don't want a relationship, I am not capable of that atm. Right now I am cool with the things. Which is why I am not trying to find a "good man who will give me what I need in a man", which is not what I am looking for at the moment. I am just doing what I need and what makes me happy AT THE MOMENT. Thanks for your advices

[ThatwasThen]

Yes, you've made that clear. My point is that you will continue to bond with him and you will be addicted to him even more as you/or if you, continue on as you are with the bonding rituals. You asked how to go about continuing on with him without getting attached.. to be able to continue to just like him and I've given you advise by discontinuing the bonding. Take that for what its worth.

 

but I am afraid that I might catch some feelings.

What should I do? Is it normal to miss your booty call? Sure I would like to continue our situationship, but I am not sure until how long I will be able to keep my feelings not developing. but I am afraid that I might catch some feelings.

You will indeed "cath some feelings" if you keep up all the bonding rituals... no doubt because you already have begun to catch them.

[jessielein]

Yes, you've made that clear. My point is that you will continue to bond with him and you will be addicted to him even more as you/or if you, continue on as you are with the bonding rituals. You asked how to go about continuing on with him without getting attached.. to be able to continue to just like him and I've given you advise by discontinuing the bonding. Take that for what its worth.

 

I'll keep you updated