Mama12 Posted July 14, 2016 Share Posted July 14, 2016 So I'm with a lovely guy about 2 years now,all is great,, apart from one thing,,, he NEVER ever wants to be married, my brother had asked me if I would ever say "yes to the dress" and I said I would ,, in the future,,, so mentioned to himself"eh brother dearest want to know when we're getting hitched (ever so casually as ya do!) and he point blank turned around and said"never ever ever,,, it's not something that should be in vocabulary,,,, so no!Dont get me wrong, I don't wanna get married tomorrow!!! But I'm thinking if there's any point being with him knowing hand on heart it's something I'd love to happen in the future? Maybe I should stop thinking he's going to fulfill my dream as its not his dream too it seems,,,,,should I call it a day now or let my own dream go and be happy we have a great relationship ?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted July 14, 2016 Share Posted July 14, 2016 What are your goals? Family? Have you ever talked about his objections? Will he not marry now or you or ever...three separate things. he point blank turned around and said "never ever ever,,, it's not something that should be in vocabulary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
j.man Posted July 14, 2016 Share Posted July 14, 2016 Good questions raised by Wiseman. I'd also like to know how old the two of you are. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted July 14, 2016 Share Posted July 14, 2016 When being with someone your lifetime goals should match up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather Dawn Posted July 14, 2016 Share Posted July 14, 2016 So I'm with a lovely guy about 2 years now,all is great,, apart from one thing,,, he NEVER ever wants to be married, my brother had asked me if I would ever say "yes to the dress" and I said I would ,, in the future,,, so mentioned to himself"eh brother dearest want to know when we're getting hitched (ever so casually as ya do!) and he point blank turned around and said"never ever ever,,, it's not something that should be in vocabulary,,,, so no!Dont get me wrong, I don't wanna get married tomorrow!!! But I'm thinking if there's any point being with him knowing hand on heart it's something I'd love to happen in the future? Maybe I should stop thinking he's going to fulfill my dream as its not his dream too it seems,,,,,should I call it a day now or let my own dream go and be happy we have a great relationship ?? Funny how this keeps coming up on here. You should check out this thread, too, for some opinions: It really depends on what you value most - being married, period, or being in a happy relationship that may never lead to marriage. There's no right or wrong answer here, just what's right for you. Your options are: 1. Stay with him and know that marriage is likely never going to happen. 2. Break up with him, and hope to fall in love with someone new who IS marriage-minded. Not easy choices. I'm afraid. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama12 Posted July 14, 2016 Author Share Posted July 14, 2016 Hi and thanks for the replies, he's 36 and I'm 39, as far as the tone went in the answer he gave me it was a "never ever" for him, it doesn't look like his goal for himself even though he wants to move in etc, basically have everything but the ring & paper! Lol, we don't want kids together, so that's in agreement and neither of us are going to change on that idea,even if I was with someone else I don't want anymore children,I honestly didn't think that marriage mattered to me until now,, maybe it's my goal and not his,, we've both been let down before with previous partners( he was engaged and myself too) and I thought I'd never want it all again ,,, but I dare hope now,,, can't do much if we're not on the same page though can I? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gigiselle Posted July 14, 2016 Share Posted July 14, 2016 So I'm with a lovely guy about 2 years now,all is great,, apart from one thing,,, he NEVER ever wants to be married, my brother had asked me if I would ever say "yes to the dress" and I said I would ,, in the future,,, so mentioned to himself"eh brother dearest want to know when we're getting hitched (ever so casually as ya do!) and he point blank turned around and said"never ever ever,,, it's not something that should be in vocabulary,,,, so no!Dont get me wrong, I don't wanna get married tomorrow!!! But I'm thinking if there's any point being with him knowing hand on heart it's something I'd love to happen in the future? Maybe I should stop thinking he's going to fulfill my dream as its not his dream too it seems,,,,,should I call it a day now or let my own dream go and be happy we have a great relationship ?? There are billions of people in this planet. He can't/won't give you what you want. Time for you to exit. If you can't stipulate what you want then who can? He's not the ONLY a available man.....you've simply closed your mind to ANY other option. (((Hugs))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama12 Posted July 14, 2016 Author Share Posted July 14, 2016 Hi heather,, your right,, I have to decide either way don't I? One half saying" it's a great relationship,, " other half is ruled by the heart which wants to be married 🙃 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama12 Posted July 14, 2016 Author Share Posted July 14, 2016 Maybe I'll have to say it today,, that my "goal"(well one of them) is to marry the person I love(sad thing is I do love Him) sometimes love ain't enough,,,, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gigiselle Posted July 14, 2016 Share Posted July 14, 2016 Hi heather,, your right,, I have to decide either way don't I? One half saying" it's a great relationship,, " other half is ruled by the heart which wants to be married 🙃 You deserve to have what you want...don't settle for less. If you do you'll waste your life....there are plenty of men that truly desire marriage. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shessofly Posted July 14, 2016 Share Posted July 14, 2016 Two years and this is the first time you've ever talked about marriage goals? Like, not once in all this time did you have any idea he didn't want to be married? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather Dawn Posted July 14, 2016 Share Posted July 14, 2016 So you're not even living together yet? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clinton Posted July 14, 2016 Share Posted July 14, 2016 My two cents, you have a great relationship by your account. Im assuming you've committed to each other long term as in, you're it for the rest of my life. If that's the case, marriage is a piece of paper. I'm gathering kids are off the table. So why throw away a really good relationship for a technicality. Marriage as a predictor of long term happiness has a pretty abysmal track record. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted July 14, 2016 Share Posted July 14, 2016 It sounds like the relationship is not solid enough to have this conversation and family hints are not reasons to get married. Marriage is not paper and a one day party. It's an entire set of laws regarding next of kin, finances, spousal rights, etc. Anyone who thinks it's just cake and diamonds is not ready to marry. he's 36 and I'm 39. I don't want any more children. "never ever" for him, it doesn't look like his goal for himself even though he wants to move in etc, basically have everything but the ring & paper! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
journeynow Posted July 14, 2016 Share Posted July 14, 2016 Two years and this is the first time you've ever talked about marriage goals? Like, not once in all this time did you have any idea he didn't want to be married? I wondered this, too. How much do you know about each other? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dave_1966 Posted July 14, 2016 Share Posted July 14, 2016 You deserve to have what you want...don't settle for less. If you do you'll waste your life....there are plenty of men that truly desire marriage. Really? Where do you live? In the west fewer and fewer men are getting married, and they're the successful ones. With 75% of divorces instigated by women, and men traditionally getting asset stripped in courts, a lot of guys are getting wise to the situation. The average length of a marriage (in the UK at least) is less than 11.5 years. You wouldn't enter a business deal if these were the odds against you losing everything, and marriage is no different. I think women are going to find fewer and fewer men willing to marry, and certainly not successful and financially stable ones. Sorry to be blunt, but the statistics support my view. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama12 Posted July 14, 2016 Author Share Posted July 14, 2016 The marriage subject never came up before, it's only been 2 years and when we met we never discussed it, ( we weren't even sure if this was gonna work so took it very very slow)I took my time as regards moving in together with him because I've been burnt before and I wasn't ready to take a chance on that again,,,, now I am, he's a great guy who knows when something's up and he know today,,,, he just knows , I don't want to leave the relationship purely because he doesn't want a wedding but if he doesn't want a marriage ever then that's another story altogether, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clinton Posted July 14, 2016 Share Posted July 14, 2016 Really? Where do you live? In the west fewer and fewer men are getting married, and they're the successful ones. With 75% of divorces instigated by women, and men traditionally getting asset stripped in courts, a lot of guys are getting wise to the situation. The average length of a marriage (in the UK at least) is less than 11.5 years. You wouldn't enter a business deal if these were the odds against you losing everything, and marriage is no different. I think women are going to find fewer and fewer men willing to marry, and certainly not successful and financially stable ones. Sorry to be blunt, but the statistics support my view. Curious, but are you basing those numbers on the Rosenfeld study? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama12 Posted July 14, 2016 Author Share Posted July 14, 2016 Your right about marriage not being about a cake and flash, trust me I know! If I don't get married it doesn't mean I'm not going to be a s happy/miserable as a couple who are, and very few people are getting married now, just seems like everyone around me lately is lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moontiger Posted July 14, 2016 Share Posted July 14, 2016 He is being very, very clear with you. All you have to do is decide how important marriage is to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gary Snyder Posted July 14, 2016 Share Posted July 14, 2016 Well, many people don't understand relationships. Most young women want to be married, and it's right, that's the way it works. On the other hand, many guys don't care about marriage. Why buy the cow when the milk is free?! But love is primarily a woman's game. If he wants it, he has to put a ring on it. Like it or not, that's how it works. You might have to use tough love. Cut off sex or breakup with him and see if he still does not want to get married. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dave_1966 Posted July 14, 2016 Share Posted July 14, 2016 Curious, but are you basing those numbers on the Rosenfeld study? No, but I will now feel compelled to check out this persons studies on the subject. Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted July 14, 2016 Share Posted July 14, 2016 The marriage subject never came up before, it's only been 2 years and when we met we never discussed it, ( we weren't even sure if this was gonna work so took it very very slow)I took my time as regards moving in together with him because I've been burnt before and I wasn't ready to take a chance on that again,,,, now I am, he's a great guy who knows when something's up and he know today,,,, he just knows , I don't want to leave the relationship purely because he doesn't want a wedding but if he doesn't want a marriage ever then that's another story altogether, I see a big trend here between you and other posters. When you are in your 30s into 40s, your goals should be out on the table early on in the dating process - where you see yourselves in five years, or eventually. If you already have kids that is EASY to bring up. Its EASY to bring up if divorced. "i have 3 children. I decided that I do not want more children should I enter into a new relationship, but I would want to get married. I would also be open to adoption if he has no kids, but would not want to carry another baby". Bang. If the guy decides he wants 15 kids, he knows that he can have a date with you, but he is looking for a different woman. When i met my guy, he asked if I considered getting married again, with my history what it was. It should not be something that you "don't ever talk about". Sure, you might not have talked about marrying EACHOTHER but the topic of what you are looking for and that initial conversation SHOULD have come off quickly off the bat and matter of factly. When that doesn't happen and the guy or gal drops the bomb they don't want to get married or have kids - then you say "but i love him" and try to compromise your goals and values to make him fit, and ultimately end up miserable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted July 14, 2016 Share Posted July 14, 2016 Well, many people don't understand relationships. Most young women want to be married, and it's right, that's the way it works. On the other hand, many guys don't care about marriage. Why buy the cow when the milk is free?! But love is primarily a woman's game. If he wants it, he has to put a ring on it. Like it or not, that's how it works. You might have to use tough love. Cut off sex or breakup with him and see if he still does not want to get married. My guy WANTED to get married and he was looking for an eventual wife. Women don't corner the market on wanting to get married. I do think she should not use "tough love" because tough love implies someone is doing something unhealthy and needs to change. He does not do drugs. He simply does not want the same things. So the only solution really is to break it off and find a guy who wants to get married someday and is okay with a blended family/being a stepdad. There should be no sexual manipulation - it should just be she stays and accepts that there will never be marriage (and there should be no moving in, especially since there are kids involved), and they just date or she cut her losses and find someone else. At his age, he is not going to change his mind on "never" or if he does agree, it will be half assed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted July 14, 2016 Share Posted July 14, 2016 My two cents, you have a great relationship by your account. Im assuming you've committed to each other long term as in, you're it for the rest of my life. If that's the case, marriage is a piece of paper. I'm gathering kids are off the table. So why throw away a really good relationship for a technicality. Marriage as a predictor of long term happiness has a pretty abysmal track record. This argument goes both ways. Why would he throw something good away for a technicality? If it's only just a piece of paper, he should be willing to just get married then. That's why arguments like this don't work. It reduces one's values to say it doesn't matter. I mean, if marriage doesn't matter to her then that's fine. But if it does, then she should be with someone who is down for that. By the way, when my husband and I met he didn't particularly care about marriage. I did. So, he was fine with getting married because it was just a piece of paper to him. (Ironically, though, he was very excited about getting married, pre-marital counseling, the whole process. And post-marriage he's totally a MORE committed guy in many ways.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.