Reasons for single ladies turning me down

[Ajaxajax1]

Hi guys

 

I'd like to start that I'm feeling more and more frustrated by how single women appear easy to get dates with (as told by online dating, speed dating companies and every other love/romance/sex associated profiteer), but are actually much harder to even agree to go past the first date with.

 

I came across a lady who I asked for coffee after meeting her a few times actually saying yes to a coffee date, but also saying that she does not see anything past friendship. The same lady told me that she had a previous date and that while that date went really well, she wanted to stay friends with him too.

 

I thought that the reason women turn me down was because I am too unattractive and/or too underconfident for her to trust me enough to go past friendship. But, this woman had me thinking that maybe some single women are not really ready for dating, let alone a relationship. I was also advised by a sex counsellor (better value for money than a psychologist) that another reason why I was not successful with dating was because of me being unable to let go of "yesterday's crap" related to a very long history of misfortune related and unrelated to romance interstate.

 

I feel that me being more forgiving of life's crap and being more philosophical about a woman's rejection...but I still have a nagging feeling that I would keep getting the "not my type" excuse...which really means "you're too ugly, poor, uncultured, underconfident etc for me to devote myself to you...as if you came out straight from Chernobyl!" Ladies, no need to sugar coat it here...a disappointment is a disappointment no matter which way you label it...

 

Maybe I can get some feedback on the different motivations women may really have in rejecting you and how this adds to the difficulties of dating and eventually finding genuine love. That would be appreciated if you can...

 

Thanks very much...

[Clinton]

The reasons women reject a man are myriad. You could list them for pages and pages. But it all boils down to chemistry. You either have it with a person or you don't.

 

If you ask me the biggest single reason men fail in dating I'd say it's lack of confidence. Women do love a self assured man.

[Maximus007]

Ajax, stop letting women have so much power over your success. Develop yourself as a man and become as force for good. That combined with the how-to of dating and women's psychology and you will be fine.

 

Start studying David DeAngelo, David Wygant, Real Social Dynamics, Christian Hudson to name a few online teachers that will help. They have free and paid content. Do this like... yesterday.

 

You're welcome.

[Wiseman2]

Agree with your therapist that's it's best to let go of old baggage and not have a chip on your shoulder. Everyone who does online dating has a lot of one-and-done dates.

 

What is the difference between a sex counselor and psychologist?

I was also advised by a sex counsellor (better value for money than a psychologist) that another reason why I was not successful with dating was because of me being unable to let go of "yesterday's crap" related to a very long history of misfortune.

[qwaspolk82]

Why are people so focused on dating and relationships? I just got out of a crappy four year one - married for not quite one of those. I honestly don't have the time nor the inclination to date. I have zero interest in meeting any guys right now.

 

If you have baggage from your last relationship you need to drop it off before you can start something new and date. You will do no woman any good if you have that baggage weighing you down.

 

The "not my type" response doesn't mean all those things you said. It just means you are not that woman's type. Every woman AND man has a different type. It's that simple. As someone stated it's about chemistry to start with. If there's no chemistry, you're not getting a second date.

 

I read something once that when women get rejected we blame ourselves. When men get rejected, they blame women. Think about that.

[greta96]

but I still have a nagging feeling that I would keep getting the "not my type" excuse...which really means "you're too ugly, poor, uncultured, underconfident etc for me to devote myself to you...as if you came out straight from Chernobyl!"..

 

I would start with changing this kind of thinking..."you are not my type" doesn't necessarily mean what you think it does. It could, of course, but let's face it, not everyone will have chemistry with everyone, in fact chemistry and connections don't happen that easily or that often. A guy doesn't have to be ugly, stupid and/or insecure for me to decide he is not my type, I have met quite a few drop dead gorgeous guys in my life that I felt not even a remote connection with, therefore I passed on dating them. There is much more to a person than looks.

 

I don't know you, so I don't know how you act around said women, maybe it's something in your behavior that puts them off? Or they may just feel platonic feelings towards you, it's natural and it doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. When you meet the right woman, things will be different, trust me. You just have to kiss a lot of frogs until the right one pops into your life.

Also, I have to question you taking advice from a sex counsellor. What's sex got to do with everything? Turn the conversation sexual within the first few dates, and no decent woman will grant you a next date! Sex simply doesn't belong in this. At all. So stop throwing money on some crooks that are taking advantage of your desperation!

 

When you go on a date, all you need to do is look clean and dress nicely (nicely =/= expensive clothing!), and be ready to make interesting conversation. Have fun. Ask questions, without being too intrusive, but enough to show interest. Have some fun activities in mind to do together. And stay away from anything sex related! This is all you can do, all you can control; whether there is a connection or not, it's a cr*p shoot...

[James516]

There seems to be a general idea by many that we are supposed to get whatever we want when we deem we want it. That's not how life works. Except for the rare occurence when all circumstances align just at the right moment for a situation, things take work and time. And that is definitely true of dating because everyone has their own set of interests and criteria that have to match with our own.

 

For example, I met a woman for coffee who was kind, attractive, we had some similar interests.. All would appear great and she was really into me. Except she is a complete idiot with money. I am all about finance and having my money hatch out into more money. The more she talked about spending every dime she didn't have, the more I couldn't stand her. I never spoke to her again.

 

She would never guess that. And to most guys it wouldn't have mattered. But it did to me. The point being is that dating takes time, it's more than mere looks. You most likely will have to meet many women, have many encounters that seemed to go well but don't pan out, be patient.... until you meet someone in which you both click.

[Ajaxajax1]

Before we get carried away about sex related matters, most of the stuff I spoke with the sex counsellor was related to my own romantic history (abysmal) and how I presented myself stopped myself from having women trusting me with carrying on something more intimate.

 

I understand that dating takes time to sort out, but I feel very frustrated from having single women not showing chemistry etc with me and finding that the only women appearing to have chemistry are all taken...it's taking much longer than so many others, I honestly feel...

 

 

Greta,,,as for what you're saying:

When you go on a date, all you need to do is look clean and dress nicely (nicely =/= expensive clothing!), and be ready to make interesting conversation. Have fun. Ask questions, without being too intrusive, but enough to show interest. Have some fun activities in mind to do together. And stay away from anything sex related!

 

Done that...

 

I don't know you, so I don't know how you act around said women, maybe it's something in your behavior that puts them off? Or they may just feel platonic feelings towards you, it's natural and it doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. When you meet the right woman, things will be different, trust me. You just have to kiss a lot of frogs until the right one pops into your life

 

How do I know if this right woman stands out by herself or starts off like every other lady I come across? I don't think I've done anything to put them off...but then again...with such little transparency from people, I can't be that sure anymore

[Clinton]

No offense but the common denominator here is you. So you've done something to put them off.

 

I'd stop the woe is me stuff and just accept that finding a partner is hard. Attitude goes a long way in dating. You're giving off a negative vibe.

 

And if we're being brutally honest, looks and appearance do play a role. If you're a 2, it's unlikely a 9 will be interested no matter how nice you are. Are you trying to date girls that are out of your league?

[Wiseman2]

Did she give you any dating tips? How is a sex counselor different than a therapist? Is it a sexual surrogate?

Before we get carried away about sex related matters, most of the stuff I spoke with the sex counsellor was related to my own romantic history (abysmal) and how I presented myself stopped myself from having women trusting me with carrying on something more intimate

[RainyCoast]

i think you are personalizing the turn downs way too much here. a guy is nice but not what you want in a partner, for whatever reason as the others have put it. it doesn't mean the ladies are generalizing that one or two things that are deal breakers for them to be representative of the sum total of characteristics that make up you as a person.

 

it sounds like you take their lack of interest as them thinking of you as completely wortheless (that chernobil remark dude...which of them implied you were a malicious source of radiation they wouldn't go near? they merely said they don't see past friendship with you. you are seriously projecting your idea of yourself as a totally offputing person onto others. they didn't pin a scarlet letter on you, but it seems you think you carry one).

 

i also would make an effort to metalize the other's experience rather than automatically translating the effect their rejection had on my feelings as intended on their part. they weren't out to turn you down to let you know you were below them. chances are also they thought "the guy was okay. too bad because of x,y,z i don't think we'd make a good couple but thank goodness he was pleasant and good company and not like some of those who turn out to be complete freaks or psychos". they just showed up with some hope for a possible relationship and the knowldge of what characteristics they do or don't combine well with. your emotional reaction to rejection isn't indicative to the other person's malevolence, harsh judgement, sadistic enjoyment in disappointing people, shallowness, haughtiness or similar motivation you seem to ascribe to the rejecting parties because of your bad past experience. they were simply trying to meet a potential partner, in an ocean of people who are not their match! it would help you to adopt the same outlook to dating.

 

i agree with those who pointed to a lack of confidence and suggested a break. i would also offer a female perspective here, that when we speak of females being attracted to confident males, we do not mean boasting narcissistic stuffed shirts. we mean the confidence that entails a healthy view of rejection, a positive and flexible manner of experiencing the interaction, the absence of the tendency to transfer onto us whatever bad intent they experienced from others, the lack of castration anxiety that sets males up for the perpetual acting out on their idea that everyone sees them as dismally as they see themselves. we aren't expecting the date to be johnny bravo, we are hoping he hasn't decided in advance that he is so bad that he will interpret any possible doubts or lack of enthusiasm as us being beechy. it's impossible to please people who react to everything from a vicitm standpoint so most people are weary of them. perhaps that was it and you made your resentment regarding your exs known, mentioned a string of negative experience that sounded like you might be caught in a poor rejected me pattern?

 

it's impossible for an online forum to mind read posters' dates, but what is a given is that multiple rejections are logical because everyone can't be perfect for everyone, and that they are not their attempts at demeaning you. that is your interpretation, because you hold a demaning view of yourself.

[qwaspolk82]

Before we get carried away about sex related matters, most of the stuff I spoke with the sex counsellor was related to my own romantic history (abysmal) and how I presented myself stopped myself from having women trusting me with carrying on something more intimate.

 

I understand that dating takes time to sort out, but I feel very frustrated from having single women not showing chemistry etc with me and finding that the only women appearing to have chemistry are all taken...it's taking much longer than so many others, I honestly feel...

 

 

 

Greta,,,as for what you're saying:

 

 

Done that...

 

 

 

How do I know if this right woman stands out by herself or starts off like every other lady I come across? I don't think I've done anything to put them off...but then again...with such little transparency from people, I can't be that sure anymore

 

I'm not sure how old you are but if you're young, just go out and have fun meeting people - and if you're older. I agree with others you are the common denominator. Stop the woe is me attitude. You really need to improve yourself and your self esteem before you should date anyone.

[Wiseman2]

Stop telling yourself this. Take a look around...You should see some of the guys walking hand in hand with decent women but what they may possess is a good heart. You don't need a genius IQ, wads of cash, a Maserati, Hollywood looks,etc. to get a woman. So that's no excuse.

which really means "you're too ugly, poor, uncultured, underconfident etc for me to devote myself to you...as if you came out straight from Chernobyl!"

[Realitynut]

In Men are from Mars Women from Venus on a date....it claims that men are first attracted to woman based on their looks initially. Then mentally (I think) then emotionally. Those last 2 could be turned around. A woman, when she first meets a guy might notice a guy's 'looks' but what make her attracted to HIM initially, is the mental part. She has to 'click' with him, be it his humor, or his self-confidence.

 

My last guy I was not attracted physically to him at all. He kept contacting me online for a date. I never responded. I met him in a couple of social settings. Not even knowing it was the same person. Pretty soon his Wit won me over. He's was very quiet, but eventually we clicked.

 

He liked me physically, but over the years, I don't ever think he got attached to me emotionally. So now it's over.

 

What i'm getting at, is a woman needs to LIKE you. To admire you for some of your personality traits. You could be nice to look at, but if there is nothing between the ears......goodbye my friend.

 

Sometimes that just takes time. Chemistry is just a sexual attraction. You need more than that to grow. Get to know women as friends, but keep up a friendly and flirty attitude and see where it goes. They might not like you ....but then again.....you don't like all women.....

 

It's hard to find a match....you just have to keep plugging along and not have a bad attitude!

[shellyf62]

what about meeting women in a social setting, like Meetup or joining a club that you have an interest in?

This way you can interact with women in a non dating setting, build up confidence, learn about them, and maybe you could find that one you are looking for? If not, you can make friends & these women all have sisters, girlfriends, workmates etc.......

Networking could be your friend!!

[Ms Darcy]

There seems to be a general idea by many that we are supposed to get whatever we want when we deem we want it. That's not how life works. Except for the rare occurence when all circumstances align just at the right moment for a situation, things take work and time. And that is definitely true of dating because everyone has their own set of interests and criteria that have to match with our own.

 

I strongly agree with this. Just like you, women aren't robots. There are women you aren't into. And of course there are women who aren't into you. And the reason for the difference varies with each person.

 

I personally make a lot of jokes. My husband, very shy in the beginning, found me very funny. That mattered a lot to me. I moved on from a lot of guys who never did anything "wrong" but just didn't have the same sense of humor. Five years later, we laugh ALL THE TIME.

 

TRY not to personalize it or feel bad. Rather, it's moreso about each woman looking for THE RIGHT person, not just any person. It's not rejection. It's just a "wrong fit."

[superfan]

You come across as extremely bitter which would put me off right away. I wouldn't even get to the date stage.

 

Also, making generalisations about women such as "all women do this" or "all women want that" would also be a big 'nope' for me.

 

As for the old "women want confidence" chestnut, it's only sort of true. My husband is confident, but also very shy. You can be both. When I first met him, he didn't talk much and was hard to coax out of his shell. Once I did, he was funny, witty and very confident. He knew who he was as a person and was happy with that. THAT'S confidence.

 

I can't see you, so I can't comment on your looks, but they can only take you so far. I have met a couple of guys who I was initially VERY physically attracted to at first. Then, after talking to them a bit that attractiveness level went WAY down because they didn't share my values, interests, or were just plain jerks.

 

I have told guys they are not my type before. You know what I meant by that? I meant they were not my type. I couldn't see myself with them. That was for a number of reasons. Again, different shared values, the chemistry wasn't there, different interests, etc.

 

A woman doesn't owe you anything. If she's not interested, she's not necessarily lying about why. You need to remove the chip from your shoulder before you can be successful.

[Ajaxajax1]

Wow...that's a whole lot of information...thanks for that. I couldn't respond earlier due to work etc.

 

Now back to the matter at hand:

The "woe is me" attitude that you guys and girls spoke about...that applied to me perhaps even five years ago, and for a long time before. But, that's pretty much stopped, although I still feel some sadness and resentment (hence me appearing like a wussy, little soursop...one big disadvantage of Internet communication). I've been improving myself a lot and even started going to Meetup groups, following my own interests etc.

 

As for the girl I was talking about, I agreed to have a coffee with her knowing that she feels nothing past friendship...just out of sheer curiosity (nothing more than that). That, I thought, would lead to the "friendzone". But, come on ladies...isn't the "friendzone" actually forever?! There's nothing worse than me being told by a single lady, "you're not my type", before having the same lady weeks later being all cuddly with a new guy with a character inferior to mine. As well as being told continuously, "you're so wonderful...you can have any lady you want". As in "any lady you want...but me".

 

So much for women not owing me anything, tvnerdgirl. I won't ever approach a girl with bitterness or flawed assumptions about womanhood...

 

Rainycoast...I love your post...some comments I want to add:

i think you are personalizing the turn downs way too much here. a guy is nice but not what you want in a partner, for whatever reason as the others have put it. it doesn't mean the ladies are generalizing that one or two things that are deal breakers for them to be representative of the sum total of characteristics that make up you as a person.

 

I still feel a bit paranoid about what constitutes a "dealbreaker" for every single woman I meet...it can be down to, say, having a clutter of documents on the front passengers seat in my car or having my jeans being baggy or me saying a phrase in a slightly long worded way or me not putting gel on my hair. Talk about paranoia...and me having a scarlet letter. I'm 35 years old (if you must know)...not getting any younger and becoming even more bitter about having far bigger difficulties in finding love/companionship than probably 90-95% of people my age.

 

But, good news for myself. I do have some other potential leads which could lead me to a steady partner. If I get taken before the first lady says "let's date", then...that's her bad luck...

[superfan]

There's nothing worse than me being told by a single lady, "you're not my type", before having the same lady weeks later being all cuddly with a new guy with a character inferior to mine. As well as being told continuously, "you're so wonderful...you can have any lady you want". As in "any lady you want...but me".

 

Yeah that sucks. Having someone not interested in you when you are interested in them sucks. However, who she gets cuddly with afterwards has nothing to do with it. Character inferior to yours? By whose metric? Cause you are a bit biased. Just because she didn't want to date YOU does not mean the guy she DOES want to date is an inferior person, nor does she have to justify her reasons why.

 

And yeah there are a ton of different deal breakers a woman might have because each woman is different. I would never date a guy who smoked or didn't have a driver's license. Those are hard deal breakers for me. Other ones are not so easy to verbalise.

 

The bottom line is that if you don't want to actually have this girl as a friend, then don't. The "friendzone" is a term used by people who couldn't get a person interested romantically, thus making them bitter. A person is either a friend or they aren't. Period.

 

If I become friends with a guy, then yeah I don't have any romantic intentions. If he can't handle that, he was never a friend.

 

Work on yourself.

[Ajaxajax1]

If I become friends with a guy, then yeah I don't have any romantic intentions. If he can't handle that, he was never a friend.

 

As in not having romantic intentions as long as he remains a friend (as in once a friend is always just a friend)...or as in forever? As a man, I do feel that I don't have to stay friends with a woman who I would have wanted so much more from...and not in a hostile way...this happened to me about 12 years ago with another lady.

[superfan]

As in not having romantic intentions as long as he remains a friend (as in once a friend is always just a friend)...or as in forever? As a man, I do feel that I don't have to stay friends with a woman who I would have wanted so much more from...and not in a hostile way...this happened to me about 12 years ago with another lady.

 

You definitely don't have to stay friends with a woman you want more from - but then you were never really friends to begin with. You were hanging around hoping that she would develop feelings for you under the guise of friendship.

 

I have male friends who I would never in a million years consider as anything more. If they told me they wanted more from me, our friendship would end. If I consider him a friend I do not consider him a potential partner. Period.

[Ajaxajax1]

I might also like to add that some women I come across, especially those who I see the first time, talk nice to other guys and definitely chat freely with all other girls...but they turn frosty when I suddenly start a conversation. The way I start the conversation is like how every other person started it. Tonight's example is one lady who I wouldn't want to date who was originally from the US before moving to Canada before moving to Australia. She got particularly frosty after I mentioned that I went to the US and that I found that you can experience the REAL America by not watching daytime TV. For all the Americans out there...it's true after all as you may agree with me...

 

And, I get particularly irritated when I try to chat to a woman and she gets caught up in chatting with her circle of ladies (who talk in intense dialogue that is so thick you can't include yourself in it)...is that like a lady's way of saying "get lost". It's not like a woman would get raped just by me talking to her, as some women make it appear to be...

[cactisucculent]

And, I get particularly irritated when I try to chat to a woman and she gets caught up in chatting with her circle of ladies (who talk in intense dialogue that is so thick you can't include yourself in it)...is that like a lady's way of saying "get lost". It's not like a woman would get raped just by me talking to her, as some women make it appear to be...

 

 

Your last paragraph speaks VOLUMES to why women turn you down. Just because you WANT to engage a woman in conversation, does not mean you are ENTITLED to her time and attention. She's not going to raped? Is that seriously a reason she HAS to speak to you? Ever consider women out with a group of friends are there to enjoy their friends and not talk to men or search for potential suitors? You sound like an unfettered misogynist, and it is not a single shock women don't want you. Learn to treat women as equal beings and perhaps a woman will be interested in actually having a meaningful conversation with you.

[superfan]

Your last paragraph speaks VOLUMES to why women turn you down. Just because you WANT to engage a woman in conversation, does not mean you are ENTITLED to her time and attention. She's not going to raped? Is that seriously a reason she HAS to speak to you? Ever consider women out with a group of friends are there to enjoy their friends and not talk to men or search for potential suitors? You sound like an unfettered misogynist, and it is not a single shock women don't want you. Learn to treat women as equal beings and perhaps a woman will be interested in actually having a meaningful conversation with you.

 

Agree 100%. Just because you want to talk to someone doesn't mean you deserve to.

 

And do you know why women go out "in packs" and cluster in large groups? To avoid getting creeped on by guys "just trying to start a conversation".

 

Just because YOU "don't intend to rape her" (so generous btw), doesn't mean she hasn't been assaulted/raped/been made to feel scared or uncomfortable by many dudes in the past (hint: like almost every woman out there).

 

If a woman is sending you signals to "get lost", then listen to them. Look for women who display signs of being receptive but don't begrudge a woman for not wanting to engage in conversation. If she feels unsafe for whatever reason it's not up to you to tell her different.

[Ajaxajax1]

Catisucculent, a mysogynist...I do understand you seeing me as that. But I'm actually anything but...I've a mother, a young niece and not ONE, not TWO but THREE sisters (all of whom I love very much). And, I'm extremely proud of the fact that women found a higher purpose in their lives than just being mere housemaids. And, I - as a man - am ridiculously saddened by one in 3 women being sexually assaulted before her 18th birthday!

 

As for women getting creeped on, I'm all too aware of this...how come I joke with my sisters occasionally: how many times did you get hit on last night? I don't care if a woman tells me to get lost because of fear of being creeped on...but what I do care about is the inconsistency demonstrated by some women I try to talk to. OK for women to talk to guys who equally creep them out, but not OK for them to talk to me? (in other words)