Going where the wind is carrying me?

[Starshine]

I am so not sure why I am writing this or even that if I should or not. I just think I should...It maybe a sort of confession, a truth that I don't speak of but it is...

My life is turning around in a direction that I hadn't dreamed of it would take, now it's not that worse but it not going as planned, or as I've wanted it to. (Believe me it's not easy to write this all.) I've been leading a solo life for waaay... long. It seems as if eternity. Mum and dad have always been the center of my life and I love them a lot for what they've done for me and I always will. But as I grow up I seem to realize that they and I are not always on the same page. They don't understand me that well. Or perhaps they do, and I don't understand them anymore...

Dad has always made us (me and my siblings) to lead a shielded, life thinking that it can protect us from the rest of the world. And I've constantly debated with him on such aspects believing that we are also a part of the same world as the others live in. He has made live life as he has wanted it dictating rules, ways that we should live by, people that we should or shouldn't meet, friends that we should or shouldn't have... I feel as if I am tired of it all. And whenever I argue I am always given the reason that they (the parents) are more experienced than me and know more of the world than me...

I am not saying I don't agree with that but how am I supposed to learn about the world if they won't let me live it on my own terms. Even a baby bird doesn't learn to fly unless pushed out of the nest, so how should I. And I find it really exhausting sometimes to know that they just have to say and me listen because I am the child... But having experience and also doesn't always make you right...

And Because of this behavior of my dad I feel that am afraid to trust people to make, friends knowing that they may turn out to be as he says they are...(Noted that : I've had one or two experiences where people have made friends with me just so that I may help them out in writing assignments, home works etc... and once they have achieved their motif they just didn't want to be my friends any more). So It's not very easy for me to be on the trusting side of things... I know I am wrong and by doing so I am just messing up my life more... but I have turned out to be very anti-social now... and I just don't care...)

But the thing is somewhere I feel that I am doing exactly what my Dad wants and it's not right and is certainly going to mess up the rest of my life now. The question is how do I explain it to my Parents without starting up an argument.

(My mother is always very concerned and loving. Dad wouldn't care less if one jumps of a cliff (hypothetically speaking!))

I don't know whether I am wrong or they are or how can I even make it right but I believe that things need changing I just don't know how...

 

Lost and Lone,