Have I made a mistake or am I just being ridiculous?

[Shane25]

Hi everyone,

 

I have had a rough upbringing with an alcoholic mother and very separated family. I'm over that but it feels worth mentioning before I start this, as I may have some trust/commitment issues towards women.

 

I've been seeing this girl for awhile now, not long at all really.. 3 months. I'm working very long hours at work, running my own company, working on portfolio, studying for a course etc.. I have a very busy life, I've never been so busy. I enjoy it all, except the job - it's just an in between.

 

I broke up with her today and for the first time in my life I was the one who did it.. The guilt is overwhelming. I'm sobbing like a weakling etc.

 

I am unsure if I have made the right decision by making this move. She has the biggest heart I have ever seen in a woman, loving, caring, puts me first, supportive.. I knew this before ending it today.. So why did I end it? I am so busy that I have constant guilt of not being able to be with her, I am prioritising myself more than ever! Before with other girls I prioritised them, and then they were the ones to rip my heart out.. But now I'm the hypocrite.

 

She writes me every morning, during the day etc.. A bit too much maybe, because I'm working so much I don't have time to reply to as much as I'd like or see her as much as I'd like.. I felt like the biggest ass on the planet.

 

We don't have everything in common, we do however enjoy just sitting in silence.. That really is so relaxing.

 

I'm usually quite the grammar nazi and quickly reading through what I have written makes me feel sorry for you reading it.

 

Can anyone help shed some light on what I should do here? Should I tell her I regret what I did or should I give it time to see how I feel (but then it might be too late)

 

Thank you in advance stranger! 😄

[Wiseman2]

Maybe you're a workaholic to avoid intimacy?

I'm usually quite the grammar nazi and quickly reading through what I have written makes me feel sorry for you reading it

[Tanzi]

Well, did you want to end it or just felt you had to?

 

If it was the latter, did you tell her why you were endings things? Maybe you could have come to some arrangements that suited you both but which didn't make you feel so pressurised.

[Shane25]

Wiseman2: I don't avoid being intimate - that I am 100% sure of.

 

Blue68: a bit of both I think. I wanted to stop feeling guilty about not having the time or prioritising other things, breaking up has just continued the guilt obviously. Good logic eh? 😄 I felt I had to for the same reasons, I was not being fair to her and it is something we talked about.

 

She says she is okay with not seeing me that often. However what she says and what she does are two different things, I can tell it really bothered her. And in turn that just fueled the guilt tripping.

[ParisPaulette]

First off, stop beating yourself up for working and having a busy life. That's a good thing, a really good thing.

 

Second, I suspect you are feeling smothered and man if I were in your shoes I would be too. And I'm a woman typing this, but I have to say I've ended similar relationships for exactly the same reason. I've always had an extremely busy, full life with kids and work and my various pursuits. And I never could handle someone wrapping themselves around me and smothering me or wanting me to put my entire life aside to entertain and make them happy.

 

Texting all the time, you're her entire life? This?

She writes me every morning, during the day etc.. A bit too much maybe, because I'm working so much I don't have time to reply to as much as I'd like or see her as much as I'd like.. I felt like the biggest on the planet. We don't have everything in common, we do however enjoy just sitting in silence.. That really is so relaxing.

 

No, no, no, no, NO. All that should tell you is this woman sounds completely wrong for you and that frankly, she doesn't sound like she has a life. I adore my husband, we've been together five years, do you know how much we text each other daily? We don't. We see each other daily OR if one of us has a huge work project and/or is out of town we talk on the phone, maybe a funny text here and there (rarely) and yes sometimes a week goes by with zero contact because we both have lives and our own businesses to run and we don't need or want to be in each other's hair all day.

 

I'm sorry, but this sounds like it's a terrible mismatch for you. I would break up with her too, because she should be out living her own life as well and busy enough she doesn't text all day. When you two get together it should be to talk and share and enjoy each other in the time you do have together, secure that each of you has your own life and can share each other's lives, not that one of you is the entire world for the other and has to be there to hold their hand as entertainment and someone's entire reason for being. And sitting in silence because you just don't have that much to talk about? For me that would be hell, I couldn't handle that in a partner at all.

 

You have done this girl the biggest favor by breaking up with her. You have done yourself a giant favor by breaking up with her as well. You each sound like you need very, very different things from a relationship. And if it was making you unhappy then you pretty much know it probably was making her unhappy too. Sometimes the kindest thing of all is to admit you are mismatched with someone and to break off before it goes any further, not limp along for months or years then realize one day you should have ended things long ago.

 

It hurts to break up, guilt is normal, you didn't want to hurt her, I get that. But by staying you would have likely hurt her far worse, because I can't see how this relationship was ever going to be what you wanted in the long run. More importantly, do you?

[Shane25]

First off, stop beating yourself up for working and having a busy life. That's a good thing, a really good thing.

 

Second, I suspect you are feeling smothered and man if I were in your shoes I would be too. And I'm a woman typing this, but I have to say I've ended similar relationships for exactly the same reason. I've always had an extremely busy, full life with kids and work and my various pursuits. And I never could handle someone wrapping themselves around me and smothering me or wanting me to put my entire life aside to entertain and make them happy.

 

Texting all the time, you're her entire life? This?

 

No, no, no, no, NO. All that should tell you is this woman sounds completely wrong for you and that frankly, she doesn't sound like she has a life. I adore my husband, we've been together five years, do you know how much we text each other daily? We don't. We see each other daily OR if one of us has a huge work project and/or is out of town we talk on the phone, maybe a funny text here and there (rarely) and yes sometimes a week goes by with zero contact because we both have lives and our own businesses to run and we don't need or want to be in each other's hair all day.

 

I'm sorry, but this sounds like it's a terrible mismatch for you. I would break up with her too, because she should be out living her own life as well and busy enough she doesn't text all day. When you two get together it should be to talk and share and enjoy each other in the time you do have together, secure that each of you has your own life and can share each other's lives, not that one of you is the entire world for the other and has to be there to hold their hand as entertainment and someone's entire reason for being. And sitting in silence because you just don't have that much to talk about? For me that would be hell, I couldn't handle that in a partner at all.

 

You have done this girl the biggest favor by breaking up with her. You have done yourself a giant favor by breaking up with her as well. You each sound like you need very, very different things from a relationship. And if it was making you unhappy then you pretty much know it probably was making her unhappy too. Sometimes the kindest thing of all is to admit you are mismatched with someone and to break off before it goes any further, not limp along for months or years then realize one day you should have ended things long ago.

 

It hurts to break up, guilt is normal, you didn't want to hurt her, I get that. But by staying you would have likely hurt her far worse, because I can't see how this relationship was ever going to be what you wanted in the long run. More importantly, do you?

 

I needed to hear this, thank you so much. I see your point and it probably was in both our interests to end it.

 

I think the overwhelming guilt has made me blind but you have made me see the side I should be seeing.

 

I wish you all the luck in the world with your business and future life with your husband!! I hope one day I can find that perfect match ;-)

[tattoobunnie]

Why are you prioritizing a woman you just started dating? 3 months is a bit early to have her as your top priority.

 

I think you just didn't like her that much.

[Shane25]

Why are you prioritizing a woman you just started dating? 3 months is a bit early to have her as your top priority.

 

I think you just didn't like her that much.

That's the whole point, I'm not prioritising her and she wanted me to. Anyway, I've made my choice and it's done! I realise it's the right choice now, it was just overwhelming guilt.