superkatnip Posted August 21, 2016 Author Share Posted August 21, 2016 Good day yesterday. Odd night out thought. Wonder why all that stuff about Richard came out. Must have been being near all of the places we went together. So odd that R had so many long term plans for us after only a few months and I have no idea where J and I will be even after 3 years. But I do love him. Dunno. Glad to keep a little space today though. I'm not feeling great. Sad about Luke going to school even though he will be so close. Not sure why, I have wanted this for so long. I need to examine my own motivations. Glad all went well for John with the move. Happy for him. Wonder if I will be part of his next phase. Maybe that is why I am keeping space. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superkatnip Posted August 23, 2016 Author Share Posted August 23, 2016 Wow, yesterday was much harder than I thought. I forget what an amazing human Luke is and the connection we have. He was strong and I left before I cried. Well, I did cry once I was out of the parking lot. I am sending him love and light and wish him all the best. Please let him flourish and make wonderful new friendships. House was weird last night but I survived. Next step for me too. Got ready for big trip tomorrow and dealt with car issues. I kind of wished I was not alone , but most likely it was good for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superkatnip Posted August 30, 2016 Author Share Posted August 30, 2016 Talked to L. He sounded good. Hope he does well and is open to all this part of his life has to offer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superkatnip Posted August 30, 2016 Author Share Posted August 30, 2016 Trying to figure out what our new routine will be. Me at his every day? He made a comment yesterday that alluded to that. I think that is what I want... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superkatnip Posted August 31, 2016 Author Share Posted August 31, 2016 Chris messaged that he is going to try to work things out with wife - I wished him luck. Then last night he sent me a message with nothing other than link to Death Cab's - Cath. ? Playing head games. He know how much that song crushed me when we talked after the divorce. I know he is drinking a bunch. I didn't respond. He need to fix his family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superkatnip Posted September 1, 2016 Author Share Posted September 1, 2016 I need to get moving on my house. Got shot down again , I think by J about living together. I have to revisit this in my own head. I need to move forward with my life and see if he is ready to come along. I do not want to be together apart for ever. I will serious start working on my house and get it on the market. I can fidn a place to rent. I hate that I resent him a little for this. I feel unclaimed. I know how many wonderful things we have, but I do feel adrift. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superkatnip Posted September 6, 2016 Author Share Posted September 6, 2016 Sent Matt a bunch of information about counseling. Haven't heard anything form him. Stalking his bank accont.. saw that he went to see Derek. Guess it is better than begin home alone. Will keep trying to reach him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superkatnip Posted September 6, 2016 Author Share Posted September 6, 2016 J has be so confused. He is talking about renting the house I saw .. maybe like both of us? I know he is committed to me in his way, but will never say so outright. But saying what he did in front of Brenda and Steve, a big step for him I guess. Weird male interaction weekend. Chris is back and I had to put our friendship in its place. I don't know if J and I are forever, we are for now, and Chris has been overstepping. Lisa said she is done and will be calling a lawyer. Another failed relationship - makes me sad. I should respond to him today. but I have no words. Then got hit on hard by that tall Tom guy at party Sunday. Awkward. Do I seem that stupid or are some guys just dogs? He seems skeevy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superkatnip Posted September 6, 2016 Author Share Posted September 6, 2016 50 years old tomorrow.. feel good today, we shall see how tomorrow goes. I am not at all where I think I should be, but happier overall than I was at 40. I know that no matter what happens, I can survive on my own. That alone is something. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superkatnip Posted September 17, 2016 Author Share Posted September 17, 2016 Have stayed away to let experience my real life. Things wax and wane with J. Last weekend was good, but I drank too much. I need to focus on health and diet. Last night had a bad experience with him that felt like Jerry. I felt dismissed. Between that and decline in sex, not in a good place. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superkatnip Posted September 19, 2016 Author Share Posted September 19, 2016 Daytime life with J is amazing.. nights still the same. Is it me? His way of pushing me away? Waiting to tell dad we are coming until after we talk tonight. I have to address. I will visit one way or another, but have to be ready for J's answer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superkatnip Posted September 19, 2016 Author Share Posted September 19, 2016 I feel so unattractive.... repeating patterns? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superkatnip Posted September 20, 2016 Author Share Posted September 20, 2016 More of the same in tne bedroom, but otherwise good. Can't make assumptions but need to address, getting resentful. Why don't zi speak up? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superkatnip Posted September 20, 2016 Author Share Posted September 20, 2016 Talked.. Says allot on his mind.. Dunno, hasn't it been that way all along? At least I addressed it. That is a new pattern for me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superkatnip Posted September 26, 2016 Author Share Posted September 26, 2016 Leaving my thoughts roll around in my head too much. Need to take come here and get them out more. Chores today but need to write about stuff with the boys. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superkatnip Posted September 28, 2016 Author Share Posted September 28, 2016 Many chores done. Some at J's , many more at mine. I need to focus on getting the house movineg and get it gone. If I can get out from under this debt, will feel so much less anxiety. Not thrilled about Carlie coming back. Was hoping Luke would let that die a slow death. May still happen, but not pushing too hard here. Called Matt and he picked up, basically blew me off, but still good to hear his voice. Quiet night in with J.. settling into a routine. I would like tow work out more and maybe once house is gone. Also want to start music lessons. More sex would be even better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
superkatnip Posted October 3, 2016 Author Share Posted October 3, 2016 Slept horribly last night, not a clue as to why. Feel disconnected from J. Who is pulling away? Him or I or both? Not sure what to do or is this just my brain? Need to focus on me and the house, if he needs to be closer, let him come to me. Bad vibe from Steph yesterday, not sure why. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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