Can't hold down a relationship keep freaking out. Still in love with my X

[jbone1973]

Hi everyone, I haven't checked in hear for a while but you guys have been a great help in the past and thought I could do with some advise. Last year I was on here allot after i had a worldwind relationship with a woman that I fell completely in love with but never trusted. Whilst I was with her I couldn't sleep and had severe anxiety and some depression. I was a mess. It ended after 18 months after I found out I was right and she had been cheating the whole time with her friends husband.

 

Since then I have been sleeping better and with less anxiety but seem to make a mess of relationships. I hate being single and look for a relationship but as soon as I get close to someone I freak out and finish it as I can't seem to let myself get into a real relationship and don't fancy them anymore after a month or so. I still think about my X all the time and think I still love her despite everything she did. I haven't seen her in six months but she was still messaging me until a couple months ago. I have now blocked her in everyway and deleted her number so I have no way of contacting her but I know we will bump into each other sooner or later. She wanted to talk to me thinking that it would help us to move on if we talked as we haven't seen each other or talked since I found out. I just texted her telling her to never speak to me again. I'm now wondering if she is right and I need to see her before I can move on. I'm thinking I need a year with no dating at all to avoid upsetting anyone else. I seem to have no problem meeting nice women but can't seem to get close without running away and upsetting them which I hate. I was advised by a counsellor that I could do with a years counselling as I have issues when I'm in a relationship but I can't afford it.

 

Any advise would be greatly appreciated.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like your in distraction mode. Getting the infatuation high chemicals, while avoiding any intimacy and therefore not getting your heart broken. True?

I seem to have no problem meeting nice women but can't seem to get close without running away and upsetting them which I hate

[jbone1973]

Yep that is very true. I have been dating a woman recently and on paper she is the perfect woman for me. Attractive , honest and kind and I really feel that I can trust her which was never the case with my X. Dispite this all I can think of is how I can finish it. I know she will be gutted. Think I need to be single and face my demons for a while before getting involved with anyone again.

[ABCABC123ABC]

You probably should take a break from getting into another relationship until you have emotionally healed, because it's not really fair to the other person.

 

For getting closure, do what you think will work for you. Speak with her/counseling/cutting off complete contact/etc. For me, it is easier just to cut off all contact completely, because out of sight, out of mind.

 

Many of us have been there before and it sucks dealing with breakups. Good luck and just give it time.

[Clinton]

Gotta agree. A break from dating would do you good. You don't want to keep screwing over women who have no chance with you as youre still hung up on the ex.

 

And every time you allow contact you reset the healing clock.

 

It's done for good. Cut her off permanently. You're just torturing yourself.

[jbone1973]

Gotta agree. A break from dating would do you good. You don't want to keep screwing over women who have no chance with you as youre still hung up on the ex.

 

And every time you allow contact you reset the healing clock.

 

It's done for good. Cut her off permanently. You're just torturing yourself.

 

Thanks. I know you are right and it helps hearing it from someone else.

[RainyCoast]

i remember you. hi!

 

your depression and anxiety level with the ex was serious. it honestly sounds like you've been somewhat traumatized by the experience. you're sleeping now etc but the repressed trauma often produces flight symptoms. it doesn't take an explicitly abusive situation, just an intense experience that leaves you with an uncomfortable imprint of attachment.

 

i hope you don't talk yourself into speaking with her to "get over". it usually just causes more confusion and affect.

 

counseling does help and you seemed to have insight- have you checked whether support groups are cheaper? there are some steps programs similar to the 12 steps model that adress relationship issues too.

 

take your time.