My first was supposed to be my last

[JulianAR]

Well, at least that's what I had hoped. Here's the thing. Im 24 and I just broke up with my first official girlfriend (21 years as of now) ever (I know, dude so lame). And that first relationship I ever had was a serious one at that--never did that silly high school fling stuff. Wait, that's not all--it was also HER first relationship ever too. Pretty special for us. Here's the big kicker though: She lived in Illinois and I lived in Michigan.

 

Typically speaking I would have never even thought twice to try such a hard relationship, especially being so inexperienced. But she and I had been pen pals (blogging buddies) for over a decade. One day we agreed to meet up while I had a short stay in Oklahoma. To sum it up the meeting went well and we made plans to see each other again. Unbeknownst to me, she already made plans to come see me first. She spent a crapton of cash just to come down with her parents, buy them a hotel room and pumped a crap ton of gas into her car just to see me as a FRIEND. Shortly after that she confessed to me via text. Now, initially I rejected her because I really didn't think it could work. But somewhere along the line, I said screw it and gave it a shot. So I took a train to go down and see her. And we hit it off.

 

Fast forward a year and a half later. We had been seeing each other every other month for a weekend to a full week at a time depending. But at this point problems arise. One night we were talking about love and relationships in a general manner, and she hit me with an "all cards on the table" act. I guess I was supposed to go first but I could see where it was going based on hints and insinuations throughout the conversation. I knew her, I knew what she was trying to do, and I knew she was too soft for this kind of thing. So I end up helping her out with it. I mention things like, "our relationship is a lot different now than it was before." Hoping it wouldn't go where it was going. But it did. She gives me the ever so infamous break up line, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." All I did was agree, even though I didn't on the inside. I regret it to this day. But apparently she had been feeling this way since three months before our break up. So who was I to try and hold on to her when she had tried to hold on for me and it just didn't work? My folks were in a bad spot at the time--she didn't know this but it was at the same time that they had decided on a divorce, so it was not a good day.

 

Since that day I feel like I made a decision that was a big mistake. We agreed to still be friends right off the bat. How could I let a decade of friendship go down the drain like that? I was still lovestruck with her but I was doing okay and thought I could get her back with time. That was, until less than a month later she found a new boyfriend.

 

On the outside I was composed. On the inside I was going freaking crazy. How?? Less than a month and she's already moved on with the break up? Is that the difference between the one who does the breaking and the one who gets broken up with?? Is it just that much easier for women to move on?? Or was she actually talking to other guys and toying with the idea of exploring other avenues while I was away???

 

Well, this is following my next big mistake, but after much badgering, she admitted that yes, she had the desire to try other possibilities. That me being the only guy she ever knew wasn't cutting it when our relationship was riddled with problems on top of the distance. So without going into too much boring detail about our conversations, we ended up having a lot of them about our previous relationship. I mean a lot. I couldnt restrain myself from bringing it up every other day. They transgressed into fights. I pushed her into thinking negatively about us. For two whole months this happened. I couldn't help myself, I was desperate for some kind of explanation to what she was thinking, desperate to explain to her what I was thinking, desperate for some kind of satisfying closure. But all I could think about, and all I can still think about is the fact that she is willing to toss out what we had, as decade long friends and year and a half lovers, without hesitation to go explore.

 

Now, don't get me wrong, in the back of my mind I had always assumed there was a slim chance for it to work out forever. And I also know that I more likely than not am continuing to further and further push her away from the thought that being with each other was worthwhile and that our relationship was as good as it gets. But I'm eating myself alive with the thoughts that I didn't get enough of a chance to salvage our gift to each other. First time relationships, swapped v cards, friends for a decade. And it's gone in a year and a half that didn't even feel like a year and a half because I saw her so little. That kind of relationship you don't get back. If I see her again, if we were to rekindle things, she'll be completely different from the girl I knew. She'll have experience I didn't give her. Relationships with others that will morph her. It's one thing to have known a girl whose past is already laiden with experience, breaking up and getting back together with someone like that doesn't incite the kind of notible changes that this will. I'd personally find it difficult to be intimate with the same girl again after so long with the heavy thought that she was intimate with other guys bogging down the back of my mind when I knew her so well first as a girl whose heart had only ever belonged to me. And I don't know why that brings me so much pain but it does. I just don't know her as a girl who has had other relationships. I'd have to get to know her all over again and it scares me. Sometimes I wonder if it's even worth it. But I honestly love her so damn much that I think that my stomach is forming an ulcer from the pain of losing my chances to get her back. And I'm kinda pinned in that spot because while we were dating I got used to texting her literally every day. Literally. Multiple texts, hour long convos at the minimum. So, I know it's extreme, but trying to ignore her makes me want to throw up.

 

And I know, feeling the way I do about being intimate with her sounds mysoginistic and possessive. She's told me as much. Which kills me because I had hoped for a little understanding in that regard at least being that she's the only other one I knew that could feel that way, but she doesn't. Again, I guess that's the difference between the one who breaks up and the one whose broken up with. But how many people can say they had the gift of a nearly perfect setting like that? Who wouldn't want to hold on to that as much as possible?? She doesn't I guess, and it's slowly being torn from under my feet. I could have handled this break up no sweat if either of us had ever had a relationship before.

 

Now, I know the answer to practically every single one of these break up situations is no communication. I'm working on the nausea bit, honestly, and I'm tons better than I was before. But I still want to be with her. In the worst way.

 

Big catch? I'm not asking for her leaving-ass back. It may be a while before I ever even see her again, but I plan to be a new man by then too. Fully void of our previous relationships issues, and hopefully irresistible. I may just get my together one day, move out of my folks place, and move into her town one day without her knowing. And hopefully we run into each other at a coffee shop. And she can witness all the good in me that she missed out on that she could have kept if she stuck around. See, if we get back together, she has to want it from me. She'll have to want to try and make me feel like being intimate with her again, she'll not want for any other man that she's been with before and above all else admit that her "exploration" was big damn mistake and that I was the best she ever had.

 

At least I hope it turns out that way. But it might never happen. In good conscious I don't know if I could ever get back with her without putting up walls, so I know I just have to move on, and that's the best way for it.

 

But yeah. Still madly in love. Don't know how long I still will be. Maybe one day we can reconcile. I badgered her a lot, asked some inappropriate things, said some hurtful words, and now she's completely on the defensive against me when all I really was hoping for from her was reassurance and understanding. Did I mess up too much? Is it too late for no communication? Am I a mysoginistic pig for being so upset at her seeking new relationships and shelving ours? Can anyone relate or am I the only one here?

 

I think my ex read too many break up blogs.

[Wiseman2]

What did she confess? Do you think when she's bored with this new guy, she'll contact you?

Shortly after that she confessed to me via text. I'm not asking for her leaving-ass back.

[JulianAR]

She confessed her feelings for me.

 

And she's already broken up with him because of me and my badgering, so I dunno, forgot to mention. I didn't intentionally try to do that. She just has an easy to agitate insecurity about her, which just for the record I did not intentionally try to agitate, nor was my aim to get her to break up with him (apparently he sucks at texting back though, so it's not purely my fault). But yeah, that's how bad I've messed up at this point. That's why I'm asking if anything thinks I still have a chance.

 

But again, I'm not trying to ask for her back myself. First off, things have to change about me. Secondly, things damn well better change about her. And thirdly, the distance is a big issue. But again, I'll cut that myself.

[Wiseman2]

Those are great reasons to take your time to consider all this. Are you still in touch or did she block you?

But I honestly love her so damn much that I think that my stomach is forming an ulcer from the pain of losing my chances to get her back .First off, things have to change about me. Secondly, things damn well better change about her. And thirdly, the distance is a big issue.

[JulianAR]

Well, as of recently we've still been somewhat in touch. But it's at the point where I'll probably let it fade into NC by tomorrow if she doesn't text me again. Then... well, we'll see how long I last I guess.