Is keeping yourself to yourself at work a bad thing?

[Itchy]

Almost 100% of my interviews and job leads over the last year came from former colleagues or people in my former career who I met socially and "bonded" with in part because of our professional commonalities. Very few came from "cold" sources.

 

That's an interesting point and one that I have not ever taken into consideration and will need to do so in the future.

[Batya33]

That's an interesting point and one that I have not ever taken into consideration and will need to do so in the future.

 

Several of the leads came from people I had not worked with in 6 years or more. We kept in touch via Linkedin/Facebook and sometimes on a more personal level.

[Itchy]

Several of the leads came from people I had not worked with in 6 years or more. We kept in touch via Linkedin/Facebook and sometimes on a more personal level.

 

You raise valid points and I guess by being the way I am at work that I am possibly cutting my nose off in spite of my face. I will try and be more sociable with a majority of people at my work place. I have to confess I do have somewhat of an attitude problem and it wasn't until I sat down to assess the way I am that I realised that I don't particularly like authority and prefer a degree of autonomy and I find a majority of my colleagues preach about team work and togetherness and their actions do not align with their words. But despite my gripes, I will try and be more sociable with people.

[catfeeder]

I have accepted that I need to improve, become more fake, just so I don't hurt and upset non-entities to me in the work place

 

Oh, Itchy, you're working awfully hard to make yourself miserable. If you've noticed, it works. You actually resent the idea of being pleasant to people? Really?

 

None of us are non-entities, honey, we are each as unique and as individual as you are. We're all just a bunch of frightened human animals doing the best we know how at any given time. Nobody is superior to anyone else, and anyone who you suspect might imagine that they are is either overcompensating, which isn't exactly enviable, or is otherwise just doing the best that THEY know how while operating on an unfortunate belief that an illusion of superiority is important. Which, essentially, deserves a bit of compassion, IMO.

 

We are all in the same boat, and nobody's got it all down--despite appearances. I imagine that it would take far, far ~more~ work to uphold resistance to forking over a bit of kindness toward the next person, whoever they are, rather than to appoint myself a judge and jury who must first determine who might appear deserving enough of my kindness.

 

It's less skin off my back to just be nice to people than to be judgmental of them in order to withhold what otherwise has become my natural state. You can call it 'faking' it until you make it, but like anything else, our default demeanor is a decision. We just made the choice a while ago, and we've developed the habits that support it.

 

So decide each morning what kind of day you intend to have, and it will be reflected in your demeanor and treatment of others. If you want to be a misanthrope, you can do that--it's not against the law. It's just a LOT of work in the face of holding a job that requires you to show up and work with others.

 

I'd rather decide that I'm going to have a good day. If that means faking my way into a good mood, then it's likely that I have brainwashed myself into feeling natural about it, and I highly recommend the practice. It it soooo much simpler to operate when I'm feeling good about myself while holding no metal barriers to outreach and kindness. Why squelch my own mood?

 

I hope you'll reconsider whether kindness must be fake, or whether doing something uncomfortable might just be a gateway to forming a more desirable habit--that you could actually enjoy.

 

Head high.

[Itchy]

You've raised valid points, I can't argue with any of what you have said, I will take on board your comments.

[renter]

I only talk to less than a quarter of the people in my work place on a regular basis, I tend to ignore people, I don't socialise with a majority of my colleagues inside or outside the work place, I don't attend any work parties that are arranged by senior management, the senior management tend to be ignored by me unless they speak to me about work related matters. I have developed a reputation for being a hard worker who is considered unfriendly, unapproachable and anti-social by some of my peers according to one of my supervisors. We have worked together for seven years and he says the change in me has been large, I've gone from being a happy, friendly worker who would socialise with everyone to being closed off. This is true, but I don't like my job, I'm just there to earn money and I have no interest in being embroiled in work based politics or back passage kissing contests. I just want to come in, work hard and then go home. I don't see what's wrong with that? Sure it doesn't fit in with the organisational culture of the work place, but I fail to see why this is a problem. I speak when I am spoken to and that's all there is to it.

 

I think it is when you first start a new job because you come off as standoffish and weird which is not a good thing when entering a new environment. We have a girl who started at my job who stays to herself and everyone thinks she is a weirdo. Even the couple of times I approached her she doesn't seem friendly at all and not sure if it's because she is shy. But when you are at a place 40 hours a week there is no such thing as staying to yourself

[renter]

And as far as the staff parties, after you go to a couple of those then it's find to pass on them after a while. I work with mostly women and all of my male friends left so there wouldn't be anyone for me to socialize with at a staff event.

[Itchy]

I think it is when you first start a new job because you come off as standoffish and weird which is not a good thing when entering a new environment. We have a girl who started at my job who stays to herself and everyone thinks she is a weirdo. Even the couple of times I approached her she doesn't seem friendly at all and not sure if it's because she is shy. But when you are at a place 40 hours a week there is no such thing as staying to yourself

 

When I first started my work place, I was very much happy, I was very talkative, I was very sociable, I enjoyed being at work, I got on with the managers but fast forward several years, a lot of old friends have left, new management has come in and made some changes that I have not liked, the atmosphere of the work place has gradually become a lot worse in my opinion and it's affected my enjoyment of the job, so now I just go in, do what I have to do and go home. I'm there just to collect a pay cheque, I'll be leaving in a few years time to look for a new career, somewhere else.

[Itchy]

And as far as the staff parties, after you go to a couple of those then it's find to pass on them after a while. I work with mostly women and all of my male friends left so there wouldn't be anyone for me to socialize with at a staff event.

 

I used to frequent staff parties for the most part, but I stopped going last year and I am not going to any this year.

[Fudgie]

I really dislike office parties. Not my thing. I just do not go. I also don't contribute to office funds or party funds.

 

It's very possible to be sociable and have a good personal reputation at your job while simultaneously going there to just work, collect a paycheck, and leave. In fact, that's life for MANY people.

[Itchy]

I really dislike office parties. Not my thing. I just do not go. I also don't contribute to office funds or party funds.

 

It's very possible to be sociable and have a good personal reputation at your job while simultaneously going there to just work, collect a paycheck, and leave. In fact, that's life for MANY people.

 

Yes I am sure it is and I used to be this way, I am sociable with people I work with directly, but there's a lot of people who I don't work directly with that I don't socialise with. Also I have in the past said hello to people who have preceded to ignore me in return and I have actually had colleagues who used to speak to me decide to start ignoring me and this is one of the reasons in many that I decided to pull back. I think some of the accusations levelled against me in this topic are a little ridiculous, I was indirectly accused of not doing enough to help out new work colleagues, yet it's funny how every time a new colleague starts on my department I am asked to mentor to them and show them the ropes. I recently trained and mentored a new colleague a few months ago who with my training has gone on to become a fine member of our team, it's though he's been doing the job longer than me. So I don't like some of the accusations launched against me here. I have no doubt that I should be kinder and nicer to a lot of people including my senior management team but I do think I have been unfairly targeted and attacked on this forum by people who clearly have an axe-to-grind.

[Snny]

All I can say is this:

 

I used to have the same tactic for dealing with colleagues. As a teacher, office politics is uncommon. I was introverted and was so afraid of being apart of the politics (and it was awful that teachers got fired for it) that I thought closing myself off from people was going to help me. It tremendously BACKFIRED against me. I had zero support when I needed it and was let go - it was one of the reasons why I did not come back besides budget cuts.

 

I learned the very hard way and I changed my tune at other positions after that experience. It made a heck of a difference how I got along with colleagues and supervisors than to be afraid of them.

 

I student taught for my second certification and I had a mentor teacher who purposely avoided other teachers or socialized with them. She went out of her way to keep me from socializing with them. She NEVER joined them for lunch or outside of school and would always criticize them behind their backs. I sat at in a few school meetings and witnessed how the principal treated her much differently than he did with the other teachers. He talked down on her at a couple times they met... And she has no idea why he treats her differently. It's quite sad.

 

So I will say this out of compassion: I sincerely hope you never go through what I did. Your boss is super kind and generous to pull you aside and tell you about this problem, because mine didn't. Always take your boss' criticism and work on it because he/she REALLY wants you to succeed when they give it.

[Itchy]

Thanks for your response.

 

As I say I will try and become a friendlier member of staff, but it's funny how I have been this way for a long-time and nobody bothered to confront me about it until now, but it is what it is and I'll seek to make the necessary changes.

[Ms Darcy]

Thanks for your response.

 

As I say I will try and become a friendlier member of staff, but it's funny how I have been this way for a long-time and nobody bothered to confront me about it until now, but it is what it is and I'll seek to make the necessary changes.

 

It's a good idea to be reflective and proactive about yourself versus sort of expecting others to point things out about you to you. In my experience, people really don't want to have to cofront others about their behavior. That can be very ugly.

[Snny]

Confrontation never leads to positive results and it always ends in drama. If you value your job, the worst thing you could do is to instigate drama with a colleague. That's why your co-workers never approached you directly and went straight to your supervisor. Workplace disrepencies is a task administration should handle, not a co-worker. Please don't be upset or feel that they are out to get you- it's quite the opposite. Again, this was something myself had learned the hard way where it cost my job.

 

Think about it: If someone did whatever he/she could to avoid you and was negative all the time, would you REALLY want to talk to that person?

 

Right now, you still have your job. It is not too late to turn it around and express normal pleasantries. You still got a chance

[Itchy]

It's a good idea to be reflective and proactive about yourself versus sort of expecting others to point things out about you to you. In my experience, people really don't want to have to cofront others about their behavior. That can be very ugly.

 

As I say I didn't realise my behaviour was an issue, if I knew it was an issue I would have became a lot more false and fake a lot earlier. Also I don't do "very ugly", I am able to have a disagreement with someone without resorting to ugliness.

[Itchy]

Confrontation never leads to positive results and it always ends in drama. If you value your job, the worst thing you could do is to instigate drama with a colleague. That's why your co-workers never approached you directly and went straight to your supervisor. Workplace disrepencies is a task administration should handle, not a co-worker. Please don't be upset or feel that they are out to get you- it's quite the opposite. Again, this was something myself had learned the hard way where it cost my job.

 

Think about it: If someone did whatever he/she could to avoid you and was negative all the time, would you REALLY want to talk to that person?

 

Right now, you still have your job. It is not too late to turn it around and express normal pleasantries. You still got a chance

 

I wasn't aware that any of my colleagues did go to my supervisor, but if they did they did, I don't really care one way or the other. Also what makes you think my job is under threat? I never said it was under threat.

[Ms Darcy]

As I say I didn't realise my behaviour was an issue, if I knew it was an issue I would have became a lot more false and fake a lot earlier. Also I don't do "very ugly", I am able to have a disagreement with someone without resorting to ugliness.

 

If you are in fact coming off as hostile and unapproachable, no one with common sense would think "Oh yeah, confronting this guy will go well."

 

If you are going in with the attitude that you need to be more false and fake, people will probably be able to sense it. I doubt you care though.

[catfeeder]

As I say I didn't realise my behaviour was an issue, if I knew it was an issue I would have became a lot more false and fake a lot earlier.

 

Fake it 'til ya make it, babe. You might surprise yourself and enjoy it.

 

Wouldn't that be a shocker?

[Itchy]

If you are in fact coming off as hostile and unapproachable, no one with common sense would think "Oh yeah, confronting this guy will go well."

 

If you are going in with the attitude that you need to be more false and fake, people will probably be able to sense it. I doubt you care though.

 

I'm not hostile at all, I'm actually always deep in thought, thinking and planning ahead, I like ensuring I have a set work schedule for the day, so I know what I'm doing in a hour or two hours from now and also you don't have to be confrontational to get your point across. People can speak to each other in a mature manner, my supervisor did this and I never once took umbrage, I took on board his comments as I have taken on board the opinions expressed and the advice presented in this topic.

[Itchy]

Fake it 'til ya make it, babe. You might surprise yourself and enjoy it.

 

Wouldn't that be a shocker?

 

 

Please don't patronise me with the word "babe" and if you cannot express yourself in an intelligent manner then please, kindly refrain from posting.

[catfeeder]

Please don't patronise me with the word "babe" and if you cannot express yourself in an intelligent manner then please, kindly refrain from posting.

 

Hmm. I can't understand why anyone would characterize you as hostile, Itchy. Or brittle.

 

I guess the problem must be with everyone else.

[Itchy]

Hmm. I can't understand why anyone would characterize you as hostile, Itchy. Or brittle.

 

I guess the problem must be with everyone else.

 

It might be a cultural thing, Cat Feeder, but names like "babe", "love" and "sweetie" are considered where I'm from to be deeply patronising and it's used in a patronising manner by people. I don't consider myself to be hostile, perhaps somewhat brittle, I'll accept that and no the problem isn't with everyone else. I can believe it or not acknowledge my own failings and I wouldn't be so crass as to suggest I am perfect. There is clearly room from improvement and I look forward to making the necessary changes.

[Hell_On_Heels]

"When I first started my work place, I was very much happy, I was very talkative, I was very sociable, I enjoyed being at work, I got on with the managers but fast forward several years, a lot of old friends have left, new management has come in and made some changes that I have not liked, the atmosphere of the work place has gradually become a lot worse in my opinion and it's affected my enjoyment of the job, so now I just go in, do what I have to do and go home. I'm there just to collect a pay cheque, I'll be leaving in a few years time to look for a new career, somewhere else."

 

To me, that reads as punishing your company, coworkers, and management because things didn't go the way you wanted. You could be right and management might've made some really stupid decisions. I don't know, and unless you have all the information management had at the time they made their decisions, you really don't know, either. Try to offer the benefit of the doubt where you can.

 

The thing is, you are punishing yourself, too. You're not happy. What if you turned things around, and could begin to influence better decisions in the workplace? What if you could promote, and begin to make better decisions yourself? If we don't like how things are, we can either contribute to the ongoing misery and/or stupidity, or we can effect positive, well-thought out change.

 

On another note, being kind isn't fake. It's a small giving of yourself. You've heard the adage to leave things better than when you found them. It applies to people as well. Leave them smiling a little more than when you first saw them. It doesn't have to be personal. It does need to be genuine, and surely you can find things to talk about that fit into that. I talk about an old song I heard on the radio and everyone starts singing it, or a funny story about my cat which leads to one about their dog, or a great commercial, recipes, something funny that happened on the elevator. None of this is personal stuff, but it does offer a brief connection.

 

You're there all day whether you're enjoying it or not. You may as well try to make it as enjoyable as possible.

[dearJas]

Even though you don't love it, it makes it easier to go to work when the atmosphere is right. You can make it right by improving your relationships, I don't love working 100% but the office environment makes it easier to get through the day.