Cheated on for years without my knowledge!

[Wiseman2]

That is still not a good reason to stay.

she would win if we break up

[Tanzi]

Thanks so much for replying.

 

I have brought up the marriage and kids subject previously he gets angry and says I am rushing him. His parents aren't married therefore he is less likely to like the idea of marriage. I know what is right but I'm so attached to him I do rely on him for a lit of things. I ultimately want a great partner who wants the same as me just to have a family and a house etc

 

Six years is hardly rushing him. Neither is 31 too young for him to at least have given it some thought .... even if it is to decide he isn't ready. What stands out here is the fact that he isn't being completely honest with you and is stringing you along. Giving him an ultimatum now is not going to change the outcome. In fact, giving ANYONE an ultimatum EVER rarely works.

 

You've been together since you were 17 so HE is all YOU know. At 24 you don't need to be worrying about marriage and babies yet and I really do think you would benefit from being by yourself for a while. You left home and moved straight in with him and, as such, you have become reliant on him. You haven't had the chance to grow as an individual ... to taste independence ... to get to know YOURSELF ... or just to have experienced life. Being attached to someone in the way you are means that you are more likely to make the wrong decisions for the wrong reasons ... all because you don't want to be alone. However, being alone isn't a bad thing, especially when you are young and the world is for your taking.

[Theniceone]

I live with him so I depend on that otherwise I would have to move out which would cost money as I am a student or move back to my parents. Also I suffer from anxiety and he does help me with that although finding out he has cheated definitely has increased my anxiety.

 

What prevents you from finding a job and moving in with roomates? How are you financing your studies? through student loans?

[Theniceone]

No I really do love him and i know i am a fool to feel this way. He has turned it into rivalry because everythromycin time I get upset and argue with him he say I am giving her the satisfaction if we break up and she would win if we break up

 

He is using blackmail now? What a keeper! He kows very well how low your self esteem is. So what, if you break up and the other is happy about it? He is no prize at all. Take responsibility in this, you are an active particpant of this rivalry.

 

Please Arora, let her ''win''.

[Hollyj]

She was 16 and he was 24 at the time. I was 17 when I met him and she was already sleeping with him before I met him but they weren't a couple. So she secretly hated me for years because I had 3verything she ever wanted.

 

So, not only is he a cheat and lier, but also a pedophile. I really want to raise kids with that! Not!

[Hollyj]

She was 16 and he was 24 at the time. I was 17 when I met him and she was already sleeping with him before I met him but they weren't a couple. So she secretly hated me for years because I had 3verything she ever wanted.

 

She wanted a cheating bf?

[Arora]

He didn't tell her that he had got with me. She found out and was pissed but she had been sleeping with him for so many months she must have just accepted he had a girlfriend. Tbh there is still. A lot of unanswered questions

[Hollyj]

I don't know what else you need to know.

 

The guy has cheated on you for years, is still involved with her and does not want the same type of committed relationship. It is insane that you would tolerate another second of this dysfunction, deceit and disrespect.

 

He does not love you!

[ThatwasThen]

dysfunction, deceit and disrespect.

The "Three D's" that lead to a forth ~ Divorce.

 

Arora: If he won't go to couples counseling with you then why not go to personal counseling and talk with a professional about this. I think if you get the help you need to hone your personal boundaries and help with learning how to be more confident and aware that you should be considering yourself the prize... you'll not be so afraid to leave because you'll find that someone that would treat you like he is/did, will not be attractive to you. Work on you right now and forget about him and what you should do... the answers will come in time.

[saluk]

You are attached because at a time when you should have been learning to be independent, you have been relying on him. You may think you are in love with him, but I think it is more attachment and fear of the unknown and of being on your own than it is love. Before even finishing high school, at 17 you become attached to this broken man. A 24 year old who is sleeping with teenaged girls! You are 24 now - imagine going into a high school and sleeping with a 16 or 17 year old boy.

 

And cheating on them from the beginning of the relationship until now. Cheating on both of them in a way. There is a small part of you that dreams of the kind of man you really want to be with, the kind of future you actually want. You can never change this man into what you are hoping for. You are holding onto the meager existence that you have because you are afraid. You never have had a chance to learn who you are, because you have been looking at your reflection through his eyes. So escaping this trap is scary. What will you see when you look in a real mirror? How will you see yourself when no one is around to tell you how to feel?

 

You didn't stay with him 3 years ago out of love - you stayed because the unknown is more scary.

 

I do not know what your family life is like, so I can't say what it would be like for you to move back with them. When my sister went through something similar (she actually ended up forcing the guy to get married, but of course he kept cheating on her after they were married), she did end up having to move back with her parents. It was hard. It was hard for them because she had been so damaged by that relationship, and it was hard for her pride to FEEL like she had gained independence and gotten what she had always dreamed of ("marriage"), but then have to go backward. But I can tell you that in that two years she stayed with her parents, she finally grew up into the strong woman we all had known before this other man had stolen her drive and her personality. If your parents are good people, living with them is a better chance at moving forward with your life than staying. If that's not an option, start looking for a roommate and a job. Maybe if you move forward in your life in other ways you will find some confidence to try things on your own.

 

You may think he has helped you with anxiety, but you cannot measure the affect just being with a person like this must have had on you... honey he is your kryptonite. Being around him has been a constant drain for at least the 3 years you have known about his behavior, though probably even before that. His "help" with your anxiety has been a tactic to keep you from finding out the extent of his lies.

[Arora]

I have a job already but I dint make enough to move out. I would really have to move back in with my parents. It's just hard because he promises that he would never do this again or anything to hurt me. I can't beleive I am still with him and i think it is the fear of being alone that scares me.

[Arora]

Thanks for your detailed reply.

 

I understand I can never change anyone they have to want the same thing. That's right I have never been alone and all I k ow is him. I really care about him deeply but like you said it may be attachment. I don't know how to break this attachment. I feel if I was on my own I would be very alone scared sometimes I feel protected in a relationship and reliance on him to help me through anxiety. Recently our arguments have been explosive and he hates talking abut what happened even though I have 100s of questions that I will never know the answer to. I'm also scared I won't find anyone else (I know that sounds stupid but find anyone I like as much as him). My parents are good people but I'll just have to get on with it and reveal everything to them. It's funny because I've painted such a good picture of him to them they think he is perfect eg not aggressive not a cheater etc. I wish I'd never met him. I'm sorry about your sisters breakup bit happy she has now found herself. I need to find myself again when I first met him I was confident, not shy, outgoing and my own person. Now I feel like an old woman constantly checking whether he is on fb. Or if he hasn't relied to my text. I sit in the house and wait for him to return from work and I think I do all this to make sure he doesn't go anywhere else. I fob my friends off so I can make sure I am there when he gets back. Sorry bout the long post again

[ThatwasThen]

Thanks for your detailed reply.

 

I understand I can never change anyone they have to want the same thing. That's right I have never been alone and all I k ow is him. I really care about him deeply but like you said it may be attachment. I don't know how to break this attachment. I feel if I was on my own I would be very alone scared sometimes I feel protected in a relationship and reliance on him to help me through anxiety. Recently our arguments have been explosive and he hates talking abut what happened even though I have 100s of questions that I will never know the answer to. I'm also scared I won't find anyone else (I know that sounds stupid but find anyone I like as much as him). My parents are good people but I'll just have to get on with it and reveal everything to them. It's funny because I've painted such a good picture of him to them they think he is perfect eg not aggressive not a cheater etc. I wish I'd never met him. I'm sorry about your sisters breakup bit happy she has now found herself. I need to find myself again when I first met him I was confident, not shy, outgoing and my own person. Now I feel like an old woman constantly checking whether he is on fb. Or if he hasn't relied to my text. I sit in the house and wait for him to return from work and I think I do all this to make sure he doesn't go anywhere else. I fob my friends off so I can make sure I am there when he gets back. Sorry bout the long post again

 

Therapy. Get yourself motivated to be the best you can be. If you don't go to therapy then get into a hobby or another part time job or volunteer , anything to get some independence from him which will lead to more confidence due to the fact you know you will be fine without him if you ultimately cannot put his infidelity behind you.

 

Is he still in contact with the other woman? If he is, then just leave and let him have her because that would mean that he is not remorseful and he doesn't value you enough to sever all ties with her. The disrespect of that alone should give you the strength to leave him.

[fitgirl]

Arora, I was in a similar situation 3 years ago. I met my ex husband when I had just turned 19, I moved in two weeks later and we got married two years after that. We ended up having a daughter in 2010.

 

I found out 3 years ago that he had been cheating on me for over a year. I was a stay at home mom, he made the money and I had literally never been on my own my entire life. As soon as I found out, I found a lawyer and filed for divorce days later. It was final two months after that and I never looked back.

 

Now I own my own home, my own car, I have a career, I determine what I do and with whom. I am so much better off being independent and taking control of my life. I know you can do this. I was 27 when I filed and it's been the best years of my life since.

 

Please do not bring children into this situation. Men like that do not change. I am good friends with my ex now and I see him cheating on all of his girlfriends, lying about having a Tinder account and profiles on dating sites and being completely callous when they finally find out. It's just who he is. And your boyfriend sounds the same. Get out. Now. You will regret it if you don't.

[Hollyj]

Thanks for your detailed reply.

 

I understand I can never change anyone they have to want the same thing. That's right I have never been alone and all I k ow is him. I really care about him deeply but like you said it may be attachment. I don't know how to break this attachment. I feel if I was on my own I would be very alone scared sometimes I feel protected in a relationship and reliance on him to help me through anxiety. Recently our arguments have been explosive and he hates talking abut what happened even though I have 100s of questions that I will never know the answer to. I'm also scared I won't find anyone else (I know that sounds stupid but find anyone I like as much as him). My parents are good people but I'll just have to get on with it and reveal everything to them. It's funny because I've painted such a good picture of him to them they think he is perfect eg not aggressive not a cheater etc. I wish I'd never met him. I'm sorry about your sisters breakup bit happy she has now found herself. I need to find myself again when I first met him I was confident, not shy, outgoing and my own person. Now I feel like an old woman constantly checking whether he is on fb. Or if he hasn't relied to my text. I sit in the house and wait for him to return from work and I think I do all this to make sure he doesn't go anywhere else. I fob my friends off so I can make sure I am there when he gets back. Sorry bout the long post again

 

Really unhealthy thinking! You break the attachment by leaving. At some point you need to stand on your own two feet, and not be so dependent on another individual.

 

Are you on meds for anxiety? You have made yourself very dependent on this guy, and he knows it.

 

It does sound stupid that you don't think you will meet someone. Hell, I'm 52, and know I will meet someone.

 

Listen, this guy does not respect or care about you. You need to take control of YOUR LIFE! Get a better job, an education, and things will start to fall into place. When they do, you will question why you wanted to stay with this unfaithful loser! For now, move in with your parents!

 

HE WILL NEVER BE FAITHFUL TO YOU!

[Wiseman2]

That is your baseline personality and his creepiness has brought you down to this level. Once you are out from under his thumb you will return to this baseline.

when I first met him I was confident, not shy, outgoing and my own person. Now I feel like an old woman constantly checking whether he is on fb

[reinventmyself]

Staying attached out of fear is the absolute worst reason to be with someone.

It sets you up to be a victim of abuse, cheating and other obvious reasons.

 

You may not recognize this now but this may be the most valuable lesson you learn in your life.

Learn it now while you are young.

 

Move home, get some therapy and support. Become independent of others, work on your self esteem and mature some.

Do not date until you know you can do so and have the strength to handle whatever comes your way and courage to walk away when someone doesn't treat you well.

[Hollyj]

Thanks for your detailed reply.

 

I understand I can never change anyone they have to want the same thing. That's right I have never been alone and all I k ow is him. I really care about him deeply but like you said it may be attachment. I don't know how to break this attachment. I feel if I was on my own I would be very alone scared sometimes I feel protected in a relationship and reliance on him to help me through anxiety. Recently our arguments have been explosive and he hates talking abut what happened even though I have 100s of questions that I will never know the answer to. I'm also scared I won't find anyone else (I know that sounds stupid but find anyone I like as much as him). My parents are good people but I'll just have to get on with it and reveal everything to them. It's funny because I've painted such a good picture of him to them they think he is perfect eg not aggressive not a cheater etc. I wish I'd never met him. I'm sorry about your sisters breakup bit happy she has now found herself. I need to find myself again when I first met him I was confident, not shy, outgoing and my own person. Now I feel like an old woman constantly checking whether he is on fb. Or if he hasn't relied to my text. I sit in the house and wait for him to return from work and I think I do all this to make sure he doesn't go anywhere else. I fob my friends off so I can make sure I am there when he gets back. Sorry bout the long post again

 

Blowing off your friends, so that you can monitor this guy is crazy! What kind of life is that?

[willdation]

Im soo sorry to hear this. You need to move on because this is not a person of integrity. Unfortunately, there are many people who no matter how nice you treat them, they lack integrity and will cheat. It doesn't matter if everything is going perfect in the relationship. You deserve to be happy and have someone who can be loyal. I know its hard, but I would start right now looking at other options and finding someone who can treat you with the respect you deserve...