Healing Journal

[strongemily]

I posted here a couple months ago for the first time in a desperate attempt to find some sort of release for all the suffering I was feeling following the first time my heart had ever been broken.

 

A lot has changed since then, and it is amazing. Shortly after the break up, it was clear that my ex felt that we could never be together again...and he was just as hurt about it as I was even though he was the one who had initiated the break up. We never fought about it or got ugly at each other. Our emotions were expressed only in tears. I did do a fair bit of begging but of course that changed nothing.

 

We have had LC, going at most a week and a half NC. In fact, that was at the beginning.. Until I texted him in desperation saying I needed a ride to work and my friends had all fallen through. He came to my rescue and told me I should stay at his place that night because it would be more convenient. That night, I went in with no expectations. We just hung out. It was tense but I ignored it. I told him I would sleep on the couch, but, the gentleman he is he would not have that and said I could sleep in his bed with him... I said maybe not a good idea but he insisted so I just went with it.

 

We fell asleep with him facing me, and as close as he could be to me without touching... It was really sweet. His hand was an inch from mine. I got up to use the bathroom at some point and when I came back he put his hand on my arm and asked if I was okay in this sleepy little voice. Finally I fell asleep... Then at some point early in the morning, I woke up to him throwing an arm around me and pulling me into him and holding me tight. We stayed that way until the alarm went off.

 

That was maybe a month and a half ago. Since then his feelings have slowly gone from thinking we can never work to missing me, thinking we could be perfect together, us talking about what went wrong. I was seeing him once or twice every couple of weeks. There were some really hard times within, where I started expecting affection from him and analyzing and thinking things were suddenly going to turn around. I've realized that there are things about him that I need him to fix, which were things he broke up with me over in the first place. He never blamed me.

 

Now, he keeps asking me to stay the night with him and when I have a free day spend it with him, which I am happy to do. Sometimes conversation goes to whatever is going on between us, and it seems like every time it does, he is talking more about us being together again. This weekend he was talking about plans as though we would be together five years into the future.

 

The thing is, I leave in a week to move across the country. I told him we need to stop talking at that point if we are ever going to heal from the wounds of the old relationship. I come back to visit in August and I told him I would contact him then and see how things are.. He told me he knows his feelings for me won't fade.

 

It's scary though. I've been working on me a lot this entire time, figuring out my flaws (insecurity mostly) and becoming a better person. I'm afraid he hasn't done much of that. I'm afraid he's becoming someone I don't actually want to be with. Yet I still have this strong desire to be with him... I cave any time he wants to talk/see me.

 

I guess I'm hoping that he will use this time apart, as I have, to actually work on himself instead of what he's been doing (drinking, playing video games, etc). I've been so inspired by him and as painful as this heartbreak was, it was what pushed me to fix myself because I was in a really bad spot of depression. I've done a lot of meditation, which is something he inspired me to do and yet I don't think he's been doing it at all.

 

Anything could happen. He promised me he would fly out to visit me when he had the chance, and I very severely told him he better not make promises like that if he might break them and he told me he had been thinking about it a lot and would not have said it unless he meant it.

 

I'm in love with him...I have to let go though. I need to let go, focus on myself when I get to my new location, and know that happiness comes from within. Even if we don't end up together, I want us both to be happy just as I believe everyone deserves to be happy. Before I met him I had no intention of getting married and I loved being independent. Now it's difficult to think of being single!! But I need to go through this. I'm so grateful that he has been there for me as much as he has in the three months we have been broken up. He is truly a one of a kind guy.

 

I know I still have a ways to go before I'm healed from this break up. There are still days I cry. Days I'm confused. But I remind myself that this is an important struggle to go through.

[strongemily]

Less than a week before I leave. My ex and I have been somehow, miraculously, arriving to work at the same time every day this week, parking in the same lot, and walking in together. It has been really nice.

 

He called me today after work for pretty much no reason. We have been talking nonstop but usually via text or in person. He eventually was asking me what I'm doing every day leading up to the day I depart. We already planned on seeing each other Saturday for a little bit because I would be in his area, and I said maybe I can spend the night. He said "..maybe." which was confusing to me because he was asking me to spend the night three nights in a row just a few days ago.. but I guess it's getting closer to the time where we really must let go.

 

There was a lot of silence on the phone. He said he didn't mean to upset me. That suddenly he was feeling overwhelmed and probably should get off the phone and I agreed because I felt like I was about to cry. We said bye, and he texted me almost immediately afterwards that he was sorry and this was confusing and 'idk what's wrong with me right now'. I don't know what to think.

 

All I can do is remember that I need to keep working on moving on. I know it's silly that we are still talking right now, but we are still in love with each other and all that. It just sucks.