First date

[Brokenheart99]

That's a really good approach of looking at it actually. A really good approach. I will definitely think of it like that now. It's just really bummed me out lately, where I have connected with someone online who I have either met in person once or video chatted with prior to meeting and they don't pursue. If it were the first few times this happened, I wouldn't care, but it's been like the 10th now. Just one good meet up/call back sprinkled in the middle of those would have even helped my attitude on the situation. I know it's a numbers game, but because of the numbers of meets not working out in a row, I'm starting to wonder if it's something about my profile or personality. Inside I know it's not, but that confidence is starting to fade within me because of the failed meet ups, which is why I wanted the break.

[Ms Darcy]

Yeah it's something I'm definitely trying to work on, it's just been over a year of being dumped and no 2nd dates. Makes me question myself. I've always had poor self esteem, it seems like online dating is making it worse. For the people who can endure that, serious props, and how do you do it? Tips?

 

On another note, that guy texted me today, some funny meme that related to something we had talked about at lunch. I don't get him, but let's see how things play out.

 

Are there things about yourself that you might have let slip after the breakup? After my first breakup, I gained some weight and had lots of negative body language/wasn't approachable and friendly.

[Batya33]

That's a really good approach of looking at it actually. A really good approach. I will definitely think of it like that now. It's just really bummed me out lately, where I have connected with someone online who I have either met in person once or video chatted with prior to meeting and they don't pursue. If it were the first few times this happened, I wouldn't care, but it's been like the 10th now. Just one good meet up/call back sprinkled in the middle of those would have even helped my attitude on the situation. I know it's a numbers game, but because of the numbers of meets not working out in a row, I'm starting to wonder if it's something about my profile or personality. Inside I know it's not, but that confidence is starting to fade within me because of the failed meet ups, which is why I wanted the break.

 

I understand about feeling a connection in some way to a stranger through typing/talking but in order to know if there is any chemistry or potential for chemistry you have to meet in person. I would feel personally rejected -for romantic purposes - if I went on a number of dates with someone and he stopped calling me/asking me out for reasons personal to me (if I could determine that -often, you cannot). But even then, the level of rejection would vary depending on how many dates/what occurred/whether we had personality differences,etc.

 

I dated someone for 5 months who, from early on, was not as into me as I was into him. He ended things. He then met his future wife 6 months later. In my opinion she was prettier than me, younger, "better". I did my best not to play the comparison game, not to let the feelings of rejection overwhelm me or impede me from being back out there to meet someone. I didn't rationalize how it was "his loss" and that I was better off without him (even though I was for a number of reasons). But I didn't react to the rejection by throwing in the towel, that's for sure.

 

Would you want someone you chatted with on a dating site who you decided was not a potentially good match for you for whatever reason to feel rejected and have damaged self-esteem because of your decision and to decide not to continue trying to meet someone?

 

I had plenty of men decline to chat with me/meet me/ask me out after we met, etc. Keep your eye on the prize, ok?

[Brokenheart99]

Ms Darcy - always good to hear from you lady I had gained some weight after my break up and some low points in my life, but I've lost it now and gotten healthier. I'm probably not as skinny as some guys want, but oh well. I'm 5'4, 128lbs, which isn't skinny enough for some guys. Hence some ignores etc. As far as personality, I've definitely lost a ton of confidence and the ability to communicate well. I'm trying to amend that currently.

 

Batya - I guess it just comes down to developing thicker skin and having better self worth to not take the declines/ignores personally. Everything you say is right on and I agree and would probably give anyone else here the same advice. I'll keep at it - thank you so much for your ever reassuring advice

[Ms Darcy]

As long as you are healthy, that's what is most important. Not being skinny. What do you think you can do to work on the confidence?

[Batya33]

Ms Darcy - always good to hear from you lady I had gained some weight after my break up and some low points in my life, but I've lost it now and gotten healthier. I'm probably not as skinny as some guys want, but oh well. I'm 5'4, 128lbs, which isn't skinny enough for some guys. Hence some ignores etc. As far as personality, I've definitely lost a ton of confidence and the ability to communicate well. I'm trying to amend that currently.

 

Batya - I guess it just comes down to developing thicker skin and having better self worth to not take the declines/ignores personally. Everything you say is right on and I agree and would probably give anyone else here the same advice. I'll keep at it - thank you so much for your ever reassuring advice

 

I agree with being at a healthy weight being the top priority. When I dated, being slim was a big plus. If you believe/your doctor believes that 128 is a healthy weight, stay there of course! I find regular exercise (nothing too intense) to be a great mood -and ultimately confidence- booster. That and avoiding white sugar and flour as much as possible especially cutting down on nibbling on candy/cookies between meals. Retrain so that most of your eating is because you are hungry, not emotional/for comfort. Also exercise reminds me to drink more water and then I find I drink more water/flavored seltzer (no artificial sweeteners) during the day.

[Brokenheart99]

Ms Darcy - I'm pretty healthy I think, I eat super clean and run 3-5 days a week. I just have a butt and muscle so lol. As far as confidence, I don't know. Honestly when my life is more in line with how I would like it to be then I would be more confident. But meeting new people, I'm always reluctant now, even girlfriends, because I have nothing to share and I never used to be this way before. I'm always hesitating of the "how old are you? Married? Kids?" questions. I feel so ashamed after having to say no to those questions and then I have nothing in common with so many people after. I just feel like an outcast. People always trying to set you up or asking why you're still single etc. And on dates etc, I'm having a harder time connecting because so many of my friends are married and busy, so even simple questions from your date like "what are your weekend plans"...it gets hard talking about your dwindling social life and circle of friends. I know it sounds silly, but I think it just makes me devalue myself, which is starting to show through. Which I'm still trying to work on and focus on the many good things I do have going for me which I'm grateful for.

 

Batya - and yes I have been doing all of those things as of late so proud of myself in fact for shedding my extra weight and getting healthier! And honestly running daily has made me in such better spirits and healthier. Gives me so much energy! Thank you for the tips, I will do them and hopefully I can drop the last some pounds I've been wanting to lose

[Wiseman2]

When you compare yourself to others, whether that is looks, station in life, what their lives seem like etc. it creates a misery based on imagination. What this really is, is a reflection of your own dissatisfaction based on some sort of outside standards. People who have envy have no confidence because they believe that others have it better, easier etc.

 

Keeping up with the Jones' is a waste of time. Be the architect of your own life regardless of what's around you.

[rayfutz]

Nope, he's seeing if you are interested

[Batya33]

What kinds of things do you do to meet other single people? In my 20s and 30s I did volunteer work, went to singles resorts, singles events, participated in religious organizations, women's networking groups and met people at the gym, in my apartment building ,etc. I welcomed being set up with single guys. I set other people up too and they returned the favor.

[Brokenheart99]

Wiseman-that's so true. I really liked what you said and I do notice I try to conform by the "normal" standards here and feel miserable since I don't meet them. You're 100% right. I need to learn to accept and be happy with my situations as they are.

 

Batya - I try to involve myself in as many activities as possible. I probably just don't bar hop or club much anymore. I don't mind being set up, but usually it just makes things complicated because I get set up with their weird friends and I lose friends when I end up saying no. So I would rather keep my friendship. I'm usually open to most things.

[Batya33]

Wiseman-that's so true. I really liked what you said and I do notice I try to conform by the "normal" standards here and feel miserable since I don't meet them. You're 100% right. I need to learn to accept and be happy with my situations as they are.

 

Batya - I try to involve myself in as many activities as possible. I probably just don't bar hop or club much anymore. I don't mind being set up, but usually it just makes things complicated because I get set up with their weird friends and I lose friends when I end up saying no. So I would rather keep my friendship. I'm usually open to most things.

That's great - no need to go to bars or clubs unless it is a specific singles event. What I would do with friends who offer to set you up is ask, diplomatically, "why do you think we would be a good match?"

[Ms Darcy]

Well, I hear ya about the dwindling social circle when people are married. I think a lot of people, whether married or in a relationship, cut off the rest of the world to their detriment. Now, for the nitpickers, that makes sense sometimes. Liie when you have young children. But complacency can be true too.

 

Connecting with people is incredibly important. Family is t wonderful resource for fun/spending time together as well. I would just encourage you to be creative and diligent about friendships ... Just as you are with dating.

[Batya33]

Well, I hear ya about the dwindling social circle when people are married. I think a lot of people, whether married or in a relationship, cut off the rest of the world to their detriment. Now, for the nitpickers, that makes sense sometimes. Liie when you have young children. But complacency can be true too.

 

Connecting with people is incredibly important. Family is t wonderful resource for fun/spending time together as well. I would just encourage you to be creative and diligent about friendships ... Just as you are with dating.

 

I didn't find that -but I grew up right near a major city and then moved less than 10 miles away to be in the major city in my late 20s to increase my dating opportunities and have less of a commute to my job. I have not cut out anyone and I am married with a young child. I was cut off by a few single friends right after I got married and had a baby even though I had contacted them -almost like a preemptive strike maybe. It goes both ways. I was set up with several men through friends who were married/committed.

 

If marriage/family is a serious goal I am a big fan of relocating to a major city to increase opportunities.

[Brokenheart99]

Just wanted to update this in case anyone needed a learning experience LOL!

 

So, we had been texting. He would even initiate conversation and even kept it going. But I never felt like he was interested, though he was really friendly and texted me/initiating etc. So yesterday I asked him if he wanted to join me for a show this weekend. After a day, he texted back saying "thanks but I can't make it." Guess he was never interested after the meetup. It slightly reinforces my belief that if a guy is interested they will say they had a good time and will follow up for a 2nd meet. There is never any guessing, in my experience at least.

 

First time I asked a guy out though, so hey at least I can check that off even if it was a no!

[Coldarmy13]

Just wanted to update this in case anyone needed a learning experience LOL!

 

So, we had been texting. He would even initiate conversation and even kept it going. But I never felt like he was interested, though he was really friendly and texted me/initiating etc. So yesterday I asked him if he wanted to join me for a show this weekend. After a day, he texted back saying "thanks but I can't make it." Guess he was never interested after the meetup. It slightly reinforces my belief that if a guy is interested they will say they had a good time and will follow up for a 2nd meet. There is never any guessing, in my experience at least.

 

First time I asked a guy out though, so hey at least I can check that off even if it was a no!

 

I feel like there are always more losses than wins, you tried!

 

I do know that if im interested i will absolutely start asking about a second date by the next day.

[Brokenheart99]

Hate to revive this from the dead, but I'm slightly confused.

 

I had flat out asked him to a show and he said he can't make it. Never asked me out again or anything. So I assumed he wasn't interested and ended contact. Since then, he's been briefly texting etc, he initiates etc, but never asks me out or anything. Last night, I saw him at some bar, I was with a friend, he was too. Though I think we saw each other, we didn't say anything. It felt awkward so I just texted him saying I saw him. He texts back saying I should have stopped by to say hi etc. I mean, he didn't suggest meeting up that night since we were in the same neighborhood, anything etc. but he's been texting briefly since, asking about my night/how it went etc.

 

I mean I get the vibe that since he's not asking to see me again, he's clearly not interested. But then why text/initiate text and keep it going? Is he just trying to be friends? Should I just cut him off? I'm kinda confused honestly because I'm hearing mixed things from people.

[Batya33]

Because it's flattering for his ego and he is keeping you somewhat on the hook in case he changes his mind. I wouldn't be his afterthought person - you definitely can do better!

[Ms Darcy]

I mean I get the vibe that since he's not asking to see me again, he's clearly not interested. But then why text/initiate text and keep it going? Is he just trying to be friends? Should I just cut him off? I'm kinda confused honestly because I'm hearing mixed things from people.

 

Of course you should cut him off! We don't know why he's texting you but we DO know he's not interested in dating you.

[Brokenheart99]

Ok that's what I thought too! I cut him off yesterday, thanks!

[Wiseman2]

Agree. The texting seems silly if he's not planning dates with you.

I mean I get the vibe that since he's not asking to see me again, he's clearly not interested. But then why text/initiate text and keep it going?