First date

[Brokenheart99]

So I went on a first date with this guy I had kinda chatted with on a dating site. I thought the date went fine, nothing outstanding but better than I had expected. Anyway a few hours after the date, all I got was a message from him saying thanks and gave me his number(we hadn't exchanged numbers yet) and to message him if I'm ever in his area. And made a small joke about what we had talked about over lunch.

 

What's that mean? A polite blow off? I just messaged back in kind and gave him my number and pretty much said the same. I'm thinking he should have said more and asked to meet up again if he were interested, right?

[Batya33]

If you live far away then maybe he doesn't want to presume that you'd travel all that way just to see him. My sense is that he's not seriously interested at this point but would meet up with you if you happen to be in his town.

[SheGoneMan]

There are 2 possibilities.

 

The first one being that he just isn't that into you. I've sort of done this with a girl. I got her number and later realized I wasn't that into her and had to keep denying her requests for us to hang out until we finally stopped talking.

 

The second one being that he doesn't want to come off as needy or desperate and wants you to do the chasing. Pretty extensive if you ask me but maybe that's just how he is.

 

Send him a message some time and ask him if he wants to go an another date and see how things go.

[Brokenheart99]

Sigh i don't know I get the same feeling. But I mean i don't know, he does seem kinda hesitant at it. Because when we were chatting, I was the one who initially had to ask to meet up, because chatting without meeting felt pointless. And so he said "funny, I was going to ask the same thing." But he was the one who ended our date today, then messaged with his number "text me if you're in my area and bored." I get a lukewarm not really interested vibe too. But I guess I'll see if I hear back.

 

I would love to get even one 2nd date, it's been forever since I've had one

[cristal]

(we hadn't exchanged numbers yet)

 

If you both had not yet exchange numbers, then how was the final details of the date arranged?

[SheGoneMan]

To me it sounds like he is interested but not by much. Because after all, he did tell YOU to text him instead of a cop-out like "I'll text you sometime". Wait a few days to a week and ask him out for a second one, you have nothing to lose

[Brokenheart99]

Cristal- at first just through the app chat. When that expired without notice, he found me on Facebook and just messaged me there and we talked through that. Oddly enough, today, just now, he sends me a friend request on Facebook. But his convo was closed ended to my reply. He said a few sentences and so did I back.

 

Just seems more and more obvious he's not interested. Oh well, next!

[Matti Jr]

If I was interested, I definitely would have mentioned meeting up again. That's kind of odd, "message me if you're in my area and bored." I've had girlfriends who lived close to an hour away and dating them wasn't a problem distance-wise.

[Brokenheart99]

ftusa - what do you mean?

 

And yeah, I live outside the city, he lives inside the city. We are 30 mins away from each other, nothing far.

 

Maybe I'm catfishing guys or maybe my increasingly low self confidence is starting to show through on dates. I don't know. Time to go post some ugly pics of me, fresh out of bed. Let's see if that changes my luck some.

[missmarple]

"text me if you're in my area and bored."

 

Translation: I'm not that into you but I wouldn't object to another cup of coffee as long as I didn't have to move a finger.

 

Hopeless situation. Forget about him.

[musicman777]

]

 

> Doing online dating

> Dating quality people that end up in second/third dates

 

Pick one. Welcome to online dating, where people procrastinate, Photoshop their ugly face acne, and don't call or text again after a fun and relaxing date with what should be two compatible people.

[Brokenheart99]

Haha that pic... So accurate.

 

Yeah it sure does seem to be that way. I'm thinking of ditching online dating all together. It seems to be nothing but damaging to me.

[Batya33]

Haha that pic... So accurate.

 

Yeah it sure does seem to be that way. I'm thinking of ditching online dating all together. It seems to be nothing but damaging to me.

 

It depends whether you want to limit the opportunities to meet people . As I've written, don't date online -use a dating site to meet someone in person ASAP. Don't let one or a few jerks ruin it for you.

[Brokenheart99]

So true batya and I generally try to. But it's just done me more harm than good. I used to be a really confident person but getting rejected so much for anything from looks to personality to age serially in a row, it's starting to take a toll on me. I find it so hard to make eye contact, devaluing myself etc. Maybe I just need to step away from it for a while.

[Batya33]

So true batya and I generally try to. But it's just done me more harm than good. I used to be a really confident person but getting rejected so much for anything from looks to personality to age serially in a row, it's starting to take a toll on me. I find it so hard to make eye contact, devaluing myself etc. Maybe I just need to step away from it for a while.

 

Totally fine to take a break. I'm sorry that you feel rejected by these strangers/near-strangers. Any way to develop a thicker skin?

[Brokenheart99]

Yeah it's something I'm definitely trying to work on, it's just been over a year of being dumped and no 2nd dates. Makes me question myself. I've always had poor self esteem, it seems like online dating is making it worse. For the people who can endure that, serious props, and how do you do it? Tips?

 

On another note, that guy texted me today, some funny meme that related to something we had talked about at lunch. I don't get him, but let's see how things play out.

[Wiseman2]

Online dating is really like a needle in a haystack it's loaded with stuff that's anywhere from dopey to scary. There's a lot of hit and miss...and a whole lot of WTH?

 

The plus and the minus is sheer volume...that means good filtering and good time management. Avoid the time wasters and place holder types. Move it to a meet asap. If they are stalling...move on. Some people are lousy profile writer but great in person (and the reverse is true)....so take every profile with a grain of salt. Watch out for the walking wounded and cynical ones they are over-represented in online dating.

 

Try to get in the frame of mind of this is just somebody to meet and enjoy.

For the people who can endure that, serious props, and how do you do it? Tips?

[wayne0789456]

He gave you his telephone number, and left the door open for you to text him. I'm not sure how that sounds like he is not interested.

 

I am a guy. I would not waste my time giving additional contact information and leaving the door open for another date if I wasn't interested.

 

Could I ask why you are analyzing this to death?

[Brokenheart99]

No you're absolutely right, I'll just see how things go. Guess I was afraid of getting rejected, but this is dating. Thanks guys!

[Batya33]

Yeah it's something I'm definitely trying to work on, it's just been over a year of being dumped and no 2nd dates. Makes me question myself. I've always had poor self esteem, it seems like online dating is making it worse. For the people who can endure that, serious props, and how do you do it? Tips?

 

On another note, that guy texted me today, some funny meme that related to something we had talked about at lunch. I don't get him, but let's see how things play out.

 

My expectations and mindset were different. I did believe I had a lot to offer and also had a realistic view of my downsides/weaknesses (let's see -my biological clock was ticking for much of that time, and men preferred younger women for that reason, I certainly didn't look like a model, and I worked long and unpredictable hours making it a challenge to find time to date and a challenge to keep week-day dates especially).

 

Until I met someone in person that person was a complete stranger who could not "reject" me in a dating context - by definition. When we met my expectation was a pleasant conversation -it was not a date, I didn't expect him to end up asking me out on a real first date. First number of dates - no expectation of another date unless we had time/place planned. If he didn't call after the first date I might feel a twinge- or worse -but I distracted myself by scheduling other first meets/dates/singles events/etc.

 

There were a few exceptions -the guy who I was over the moon about on the first meet, only to learn by date 3 or 4 that he was only after sex (we didn't). The guy I was in touch with for 6 weeks before we met - totally into him, first meet -huge amount of chemistry, followed by 3 months of non-exclusive dating where I lost several nights of sleep if he didn't call or "sound right". The crash when I saw him online hours after he left my place, the further crash when I discovered that he had a fairly serious mental disorder (cumulatively, that meant the end). There were men who never called after spending 3 hours over coffee, and the "eh" first meets where he asked me out right at the end. There was no real pattern, no real way to tell so I didn't overanalyze.

 

And I never let myself get cynical or jaded other than very temporarily (what helped was that I never had casual sex - I would have gotten too attached in a bad way).

 

A few reasons -superficial -that I did reasonably well on those sites - I was slim, I was financially stable/independent/professional (i.e. men were not afraid I was after their $), I only emailed with men who also wanted marriage/family so there were relatively few men who I chatted with who just wanted a sex partner, and most men had decent manners, I often knew some of the same people as the guy so that helped with the screening process.

[Sportster2005]

So I went on a first date with this guy I had kinda chatted with on a dating site. I thought the date went fine, nothing outstanding but better than I had expected. Anyway a few hours after the date, all I got was a message from him saying thanks and gave me his number(we hadn't exchanged numbers yet) and to message him if I'm ever in his area. And made a small joke about what we had talked about over lunch.

 

What's that mean? A polite blow off? I just messaged back in kind and gave him my number and pretty much said the same. I'm thinking he should have said more and asked to meet up again if he were interested, right?

 

People don't give their phone numbers to people they're not interested in.

[Brokenheart99]

Don't mean to be negative but he just seems like a friendly guy. Maybe he's interested but I don't really get that feeling. His texts are pretty short and delayed, different from how he used to talk prior to meeting. So I'll ask him once if he wants to get some coffee and see. It's no big deal, me and him seem a bit different anyway so I doubt we would have been compatible anyway. And it's not like I felt any sparks fly on my date with him, he just seemed like a nice guy who was normal etc.

 

Batya - your advice is solid. You seem to have a lot going for you and such a good approach to it. I admire that a lot. I think for now I'm gonna take a step back from it and just live my life for a bit and perhaps come back to online dating. Maybe it's a combination of me picking too good of men for me, not being up to the ridiculous beauty and personality standards that online dating has, age, and my lack of confidence and self worth that's starting to show through on my dates. Hopefully time will help with some of that, probably not the age though haha.

[Batya33]

Don't mean to be negative but he just seems like a friendly guy. Maybe he's interested but I don't really get that feeling. His texts are pretty short and delayed, different from how he used to talk prior to meeting. So I'll ask him once if he wants to get some coffee and see. It's no big deal, me and him seem a bit different anyway so I doubt we would have been compatible anyway. And it's not like I felt any sparks fly on my date with him, he just seemed like a nice guy who was normal etc.

 

Batya - your advice is solid. You seem to have a lot going for you and such a good approach to it. I admire that a lot. I think for now I'm gonna take a step back from it and just live my life for a bit and perhaps come back to online dating. Maybe it's a combination of me picking too good of men for me, not being up to the ridiculous beauty and personality standards that online dating has, age, and my lack of confidence and self worth that's starting to show through on my dates. Hopefully time will help with some of that, probably not the age though haha.

 

Remember -do not date online. Use a dating site as a way to meet in person ASAP. For me "living my life" meant working towards my goal of marriage and family (in addition to having a social life, volunteering and working at my career back then).

 

I never found that dating sites had ridiculous standards. I have friends who have met their spouses and significant others- none look like models or are "perfect" in any way. Perhaps things changed since I was on dating sites 10 years ago but I have friends on those sites and that is not their experience.

 

Certainly you need a thick skin. To me the way to develop the thick skin is by jumping back in, again and again. I've had to do that in a huge way in my life very recently and I find that taking the plunge -again and again -is the only way to strengthen the confidence muscles despite the scary part.

 

There is no reason at all you have to go on dates at all - I am not trying to convince you, just suggesting that the "live my life" path is likely not to increase your confidence or improve your mindset.

[Brokenheart99]

Poor word choice with "online dating", I mean online apps for meeting people. In general I try not to date online or talk long. I usually try and set up a meet asap. I've known some people who have good experiences on there but my experience has just not. and yeah, perhaps just taking a head on approach is a better way and endure through the bad parts. It's just I find myself being more confident when I don't get rejected so often. So hence I wanted to step away from it for a bit. But ena advice has almost always been right, so I'm always open to trying it and listening.

[Batya33]

Poor word choice with "online dating", I mean online apps for meeting people. In general I try not to date online or talk long. I usually try and set up a meet asap. I've known some people who have good experiences on there but my experience has just not. and yeah, perhaps just taking a head on approach is a better way and endure through the bad parts. It's just I find myself being more confident when I don't get rejected so often. So hence I wanted to step away from it for a bit. But ena advice has almost always been right, so I'm always open to trying it and listening.

 

Awesome word choice -just wanted to reenforce that dating is done in person. The word I don't agree with is "reject". Certain strangers might decline to meet you in person, others will meet you and choose not to ask you out on a real date. No one is rejecting you and especially not rejecting you as a person. Nor are you rejecting them if you decline. The faster you can get over escalating this experience to "rejection" as you put it the better it will work IMO.