hurt and sick about this

[goaskalice]

Me and my bf have been together about 14 months, and see each other almost every day, i thought we really love each other and what we have means alot to both of us...he has made comments about how when we are old and mr and mrs, and how he doesnt plan or want to have anyone but me for his life...but last week for no reason out of the blue i started to have this weird feeling, wondering if an ex of his from years ago has somehow an issue..i know they have eqch other as a friend on fb, but never bothered me bc she was from two decades ago and he has other people from the past he knew on fb, i never saw anything that indicated anything other than occasionally posting a general comment..but, after i had that feeling last week it bothered me bc in general my intuition is usually pretty accurate

not always but most of the time my hunches are for a reason. When i had that feeling i didnt say anything about it..later that day we were sitting next to each other and he was holding his phone out and i saw a text that wasnt like the few texts he usually gets,it said i will try to call you before you go into your shift...i asked who it was and he quickly deleted it and said he didnt know....really suspicious, why didnt he just say oh its from so and so, and why qyickly delete it..i felt sick like theres something wrong and asked him whats going on..he was acting very off, evasive, laughed it off and wasnt looking at me, then said other people use his phone (not true in time ive known him)..i asked him who has that area code, he wasnt acting truthful, just avoiding and speculated maybe it was a friends mom, total bs basically...i got emotional and started crying, he took some hits of pot, then told me it was his ex that had recently started contacting him, the same one i had the hunch abput earlier. I saw she had tried calling h late at night..this person has a bf herself and knows he has a gf..he admitted that his own mom said its weird she would call him, and he said he could see hpw that would make me nervous but said its nothing..he then proised he wont talk to her again, i felt relieved and asked him if he could call or message her to show me he is letting her know he cant talk to her anymore out of respect for our relationship, but then he got really angry and refused, he changed his promise and said he wont go out of his way to talk to her but hes not going to request shr not call h anymore. So where is the reassurance then, bc he is basically saying he wont go out of his way to call her, but if they talk then i just have to somehow believe its nothing. I feel extremely hurt and put down, that he would not care about my feelings, and set a boundary with her, really he wouldnt want my ex calling me in the past he asked about if my ex is around etc so i know he gets that when your in a commited relationship, talking yo an ex esp late at night is inapproparite and feels worrisome. Im literally sick over this..he expects me to just let it go and if they talk they talk. I also know he told me the way theor relationship ended many yrs ago was he said some guy started calling her, he asked her not to talk to him, she ended up leaving him for that guy..if she has a SO and knows he does, why wpuld she have any reason to start calling him. But it falls on him to let her know not to call him and they cant talk but he went back on his reassurance to me and now refuses to set this boundary with her so i can have reassurance. I appreciate any input on how to handle this

[Wiseman2]

I think demanding he send her a message to your satisfaction and proof is too controlling and sort of smells like insecure jealous gf, and he didn't want to bother sending that. He should not lie and actually should not encourage this. What made you so suspicious?

.i got emotional and started crying, he took some hits of pot, then told me it was his ex that had recently started contacting him. asked him if he could call or message her to show me he is letting her know he cant talk to her anymore out of respect for our relationship, but then he got really angry and refused

[Jibralta]

I would be uncomfortable with this, too. If my boyfriend refused to cut contact, I would reconsider my relationship with him.

[ParisPaulette]

I'm sorry, but the guy just showed you his true face. And I'd say he's never gotten over that particular ex and is now hoping she's up for grabs again. She likely left the guy she's with or is toying with the idea of an affair or else he wouldn't be acting so weird. And I really hate to tell you all this, but he was lying to you about not contacting her until you wanted him to do it in front of you and then the story changed. And now suddenly you should just "trust" nothing is going to happen, because oh well he can't help it if she just calls him/comes to see him/falls on him with no clothes on...do you see how insane what he's saying is? He's not going to stop her from doing anything she wants, and you're to simply be okay with it.

 

I believe the term is gaslighting and you need to look it up in regards to how cheaters use it to psychologically back off someone questioning them, because that smells a whole lot like what's going on from here. No, you can't trust him and you need to listen to your intuition. Do you really want to be with someone who makes you literally sick, because you know what's going on. Come on.

 

If it were me, and it has been, all I can tell you is to leave now and tell him you're done with him being a liar and angling to include an ex in his life now, one that makes him act like he's hiding a body in the trunk. And then you move on. That said you will probably not leave him and he'll have to mess you around a few times, hopefully not give you an STD or two, or dump you once he feels he has this ex in the bag before you realize your gut is actually really accurate and you should listen to it more often.

 

Regardless, you have to decide what your boundaries are, because he has none and has told you to just blindly trust him even with the way he's acting. And no, an ex doesn't call you late at night for nothing. Your suspicions are dead on I'm thinking. The larger question here is why you can't just say, "Fine, those are YOUR boundaries. They aren't mine. We're done." And then walk away.

[ParisPaulette]

And no, I already don't contact exes out of respect for my relationship. Why on earth would I want to make the person I'm with uncomfortable or insecure? Especially if they cried in front of me about it.

 

Seriously, this guy is acting really like he has something to hide, this is not the same as OP you went through his Facebook and demanded he delete everyone off of there that's an ex. It's not the same at all.

 

I have an ex-husband who contacts me about our kids, everything is totally open. There are no deleted calls, the only late night call I ever got from him was him trying to reach my oldest son since his stepmom was in the hospital and he didn't have the number where our son was staying. It was a legit emergency, I was open about it to my husband, who then talked to my ex to calm him down man to man while I found our son and got him on a plane to be with them.

 

If it's all innocent there's nothing to hide and no anger involved. That's not what this guy is doing OP and you can hopefully see my relationship with my ex is vastly different to what you're describing.

 

I'm sorry, but your intuition is right. What are you going to do about it? It is massively disrespectful and shady as hell. This is not the guy you want to marry, not someone who can't even maintain proper boundaries with other women. You think it's bad now? Just wait until you were married and had kids, he's giving you a pretty clear picture of what life will be like with him in the future if you ask me.

 

And yes, I've been exactly where you are. Several times. And I was never wrong, because let's face it, not guilty people don't act like they have nothing to hide. They're open, they show you things, they don't pull the old con artist line of "Just trust me 'cause you should even though I'm acting way different than I usually do." You know this guy's normal behavior, if it's not normal behavior, something is off.

 

Plus he wouldn't look at you, liars do that. They are afraid to face someone AND then they get angry when they know they're lying badly. Plus why on earth is she going to wait and call him at work? If it was on the up and up wouldn't she just have called him then and there, and not at work when he's supposed to be working? He also kept lying to you over and over about who it was until you pressed the point, then he finally admitted it was an ex. Why lie in the first place if it's all innocent?

 

Maybe it's just me, maybe it's having cops in my family, but I'm always astonished that people don't see these huge giant outpoints in people's behavior. People telegraph when they know they're doing something wrong through body language, changing stories, anger and other weird out of place emotions, even how they carry themselves around you or act around you. It's not rocket science really.

 

it's called why is this person who I've been able to observe acting one way suddenly acting completely out of character? It's a legit heads up something is wrong.

[Hollyj]

The fact that he repeatedly lied and tried to hide his communication with her, demonstrates there is something going on. Also, he reaction to sending a text not to communicate, is showing that he is choosing her, over you. He is not over this woman!

 

He is emotionally cheating and showing complete disrespect towards you.

 

This is done. End it! If you continue with this guy, its on you.

 

I'm sorry.

[greta96]

This is all very suspicious, because if he didn't want anything to do with his ex he wouldn't have even bothered to reply the first time she messaged him, or if he wanted to still be polite, he would have replied with a very short answer and made it obvious that he wasn't interested in reestablishing contact.

But, when it comes to his refusal to send her the message you wanted him to send, I don't think he necessarily reacted the way he did because he didn't want to end contact with her, I'm pretty sure it was because you basically forced his hand to do so, and if he went through with it and sent the text he would have looked weak and pu$$y-whipped in front of her, because it would have been extremely obvious that his girlfriend (you) had seen her messages and that she had forced him into sending that message. I mean, they'd been corresponding for a while now, and he was happy to do so, and all of a sudden he sends her a message saying what you wanted him to say...it would be so obvious it wasn't his doing or desire, and that he was forced to do so by you. It wouldn't have looked all that good on him, and he's human, he has an ego to protect.

 

With that said, I don't blame you one second for being uncomfortable with the situation. I think it's time you had one last conversation with him on the subject, and tried explaining one last time, in a non-accusatory and calm way, how disrespected you feel due to him reestablishing contact with his ex, how he wouldn't like it either if the shoe was on the other foot, and how you would really appreciate it if he paid more attention to the way you feel about this and been more considerate. If this falls onto deaf ears and he continues this shady behavior, you may have to reconsider this relationship, because you want to be with a partner who respects you and is careful not to do things that would make anyone uncomfortable and insecure.

[goaskalice]

Thank you for the input...i tried to bring it up and his response was she lives far away(this doesnt mean much, she lives five hours away ..he also said she has a bf (doesnt mean much bc if she is devoted to this bf why would she be callung my SO...THEN he said something that to me was very hurtful but i want to see what any of you think...he said "well,shes not married"...and said my request they not speak wpuld be more valid if we were married..so a 14 month relationship its ok to do that if your not married...i guess to me (maybe im taking it the wrong way?) But it almost sounds like i dont count that much bc i am "just" his gf, so i dont carry that much value or weight so to speak..??

[Jibralta]

Yes, that's pretty much what he's saying. And if you were married to him, he would give you some other reason why you're not good enough. He doesn't value you at all. He's going to keep you jumping over hurdles as long as you believe it when he tells you that you're not valuable, or that you're lacking in some way.

 

You are valuable enough. But you'll never see it if you stay with this guy.