Everyone's online dating experience

[Brokenheart99]

So how has people's online dating experience been? For me, it's been a little self esteem damaging. Because of the patterns, I can't help but wonder if there is something gravely wrong with my personality. For starters, it seems like either people are too desperate/lame or players/flakey.

 

I feel like many times, a guy and I will like each other's profiles, he will accept or invite me to chat(based on my pictures/profile) and after a day or two, I get ignored. I really don't feel like I'm too weird or needy, the conversation seems like small talk, perhaps slightly bland but it's early on. Or they will continue conversation but it's extremelyyyy delayed. Like they will start talking and then back off, and once a week message me and delay things. I'm starting to get a complex and wonder if I'm just ugly or if I'm just weird. I don't get why I can't get a 2nd date or text back from a guy I may like. And no, I really am not just picking "bad boys or unavailable guys".

 

How do you handle this? Is this what it's like for others? Am I doing something wrong? Or maybe this is how online dating is nowadays....I'm curious to hear other people's experiences and sentiments.

[Moontiger]

Online dating is really a mixed bag. I tried it three - four times over the years. The only time it worked out was this last one.

[ParisPaulette]

I had enough standup comedy material to book shows for three years solid, does that count? And no, I'm not a comedian, but my friends have told me I should be. Meh, I hate crowds, not gonna happen.

 

It's pretty much always been a not good experience for me right up there with blind dates and being set up. The fact is even if the guy was okay, I am one of those people who needs to sort of feel relaxed and know something about a person to begin with. For me what was always far better were those guys I met through mutual activities or friends or where I could meet them and get to know them over some time. Every single relationship I have had has been that way.

 

Cold dating, nope never went anywhere.

 

What OLD did do for me though was get me to meet a ton of people I never would have otherwise, to learn to develop better boundaries and the psychology of what makes people tick in the first place. I don't think I'd have grown as much emotionally or spiritually if I'd been with the same group of people for most of my life.

 

It also gave me fun new activities to try and places that I liked and began to frequent on my own, that I would probably never have tried otherwise. So not a lose-lose. Even the bad dates taught me something.

 

It all went a lot better when I stopped going in with the mindset "This one HAS to work, MUST work, I'm running out of options, he's got to be THE ONE." Yeah, that attitude will either get you into a bad relationship all wrong for you or into some other sort of trouble. So when I ditched that in favor of "Well, let's see how I like that new restaurant and what this stranger might bring to the table by way of experiences and interesting topics," I had a much better time.

 

It's a massively mixed bag, but then so is life.

 

P.S. In all the time I did OLD only twice did I get beyond a third date, because I wasn't going to sleep or rush things with anyone. And both times it lasted 3 months once and 6 months the next before each guy told me it wasn't going to go any further, but we could keep hooking up if I was okay with that. I was not okay with that. Next.

 

It is a numbers game, I would say it doesn't matter who you are, most first dates are just not going to lead to a love match regardless. And it was pretty much the same for anyone else I know, guy or gal, who did OLD.

[shiner501]

As a general rule, a positive experience and I would recommend it to anyone as it introduces you to a much wider catchment pool of people that you would never otherwise meet in person. Of course, I keep my eyes open at the mall etc as well! I have a lot of responsibilities as a single dad and do not get out enough to activities where there may be available women who want to find a serious male companion. Online does away with this and cuts straight to the chase in that the people on there largely WANT to meet a new partner (of course you need to sift through the scumbags ec).

 

Now, that said, it does not mean you won't have dates with people who are not your type at all. However, that is not the fault of online per se, rather people's tendencies to exaggerate themselves for the better that is tantamount to telling fibs about themselves. I've been on two dates over the last few weeks like that where the person who showed up was nothing like their profile pictures. One said they didn't smoke and kept popping out and came back reeking of stale cigarette smoke thinking I wouldn't notice! Then again, the girl I have now seen twice and who I like very much is exactly who she said she would be, is beautiful, smart and intelligent and we get on great. Very early days but let's see. I would never have met her without online dating.

 

So yes, I think online dating is great! It works but you need a thick skin at times and you need to not compromise your standards.

[Brokenheart99]

Paris-yeah haha I complete get that sentiment, I hear the same things..."you should write a book about your experiences!" It's fun at times but it's frustrating a lot, mainly because I feel like I'm doing something wrong or something.

 

My thick skin is starting to wear thin the accepts followed by instant ignores after a day of conversation, it's really starting to feel like it's something I'm doing that's turning off guys. I can't help but wonder if it's because I'm in my early 30s and that's too old, or my pictures don't really look like me(which I don't think so but I don't know anymore), or if I'm just boring and uninteresting. Online dating is making me examine myself.

 

For those of you who have had luck with it, how many before you came across a good date?

[FlashEng1]

So how has people's online dating experience been? For me, it's been a little self esteem damaging. Because of the patterns, I can't help but wonder if there is something gravely wrong with my personality. For starters, it seems like either people are too desperate/lame or players/flakey.

 

I feel like many times, a guy and I will like each other's profiles, he will accept or invite me to chat(based on my pictures/profile) and after a day or two, I get ignored. I really don't feel like I'm too weird or needy, the conversation seems like small talk, perhaps slightly bland but it's early on. Or they will continue conversation but it's extremelyyyy delayed. Like they will start talking and then back off, and once a week message me and delay things. I'm starting to get a complex and wonder if I'm just ugly or if I'm just weird. I don't get why I can't get a 2nd date or text back from a guy I may like. And no, I really am not just picking "bad boys or unavailable guys".

 

How do you handle this? Is this what it's like for others? Am I doing something wrong? Or maybe this is how online dating is nowadays....I'm curious to hear other people's experiences and sentiments.

 

Paris-yeah haha I complete get that sentiment, I hear the same things..."you should write a book about your experiences!" It's fun at times but it's frustrating a lot, mainly because I feel like I'm doing something wrong or something.

 

My thick skin is starting to wear thin the accepts followed by instant ignores after a day of conversation, it's really starting to feel like it's something I'm doing that's turning off guys. I can't help but wonder if it's because I'm in my early 30s and that's too old, or my pictures don't really look like me(which I don't think so but I don't know anymore), or if I'm just boring and uninteresting. Online dating is making me examine myself.

 

For those of you who have had luck with it, how many before you came across a good date?

 

I sort of feel bad reading this, as I have fallen into that player/flaky category. I get enough attention in real life, so I just use my online profile to pen pal anyone of interest, or reply to someone when I'm bored but 9 times out of 10 I'll disappear before anything substantial forms. Partly because I've gotten to be even more picky in what not only attracts me, but actually intrigues me and warrants enough interest to dig deeper. Another part is due to what's going on in my current life. Career, Self Improvement, and Recovery.

 

Not speaking for all the "bad boys" out there, I can at least say a large majority of it (90%+) has very little to do with you, and more about us. For whatever reason we don't have all/most/any of our "s%#*!" together like we'd like, and walk away before anything substantial forms, regardless of the reason. I can only imagine how it feels on the other end, and would apologize on behalf all men who do it if it really did anything for you, or knew it was something I was actively working on myself... But it isn't. I don't take it nearly as seriously as some of the profiles I run across do, nor as seriously as some of the users here do. It's a good feeling and motivator to get random emails in the day about first messages/likes/meets/etc while getting ready to go out that night to physically meet people, that's partly why I even keep my profile up. I'm still sorting out certain things in my life as well, it's not you it's just not the timing of things. Keep strong and move on.

[Ms Darcy]

I had over a hundred dates, three relationships, and married my husband from online dating. Having said that, the biggest mistake I see women in their 30s make is to rely solely on online dating. I did tons of meetups, blind dates, and generally put myself out there a lot. I even asked men out! So, I think not only are you unwisely letting the online dating thing hurt your ego, but also you are wasting time girlie.

[Sportster2005]

Sounds like business as usual. You will have some victories. Ignore the nonsense and disappointment as best as you can. If it gets overwhelming, take a break and walk away.

[JamesT2]

I've been doing OLD for over a decade now and I am still occasionally puzzled or pleasantly surprised by what I read or the dates I attend. The conversations on the other hand became a bit tiresome, not looking for a pen pal, or a time waster as I put it the other day. It can be very repetitive too, to get to know someone online and having to type out a good chunk of your biography.

 

OP, a problem with you? I don't know. We all have issues and we won't be a match to everyone. When I'm rejected, it's either a nonresponse or just a polite "not interested'' line, both of which I accepted now. It's not personal anyway.

 

I've been on.. 40 dates ? (only after so many years) but I'm not doing it incessantly. I agree that doing the dating thing offline is much more exciting and satisfying especially when things go well. Out of 40 dates, maybe two dozen second, third dates and some kisses. 4-5 short relationships, or attempt at relationships anyway, and one LTR. Yes there has been a few hookups too, but really not much.

 

Hope that helps.

[Brokenheart99]

Everyone's responses have been so helpful, keep them coming!

 

Flash- wow your response really put some things in perspective. It's nice to hear the thought process from one of the "player/flakey" guys. yeah in retrospect, I guess online dating gives me the option to be slightly pickier so I probably don't take some decent guys seriously. It is nice to know that sometimes timing is just the issue. I was really starting to think it was me. Out of curiosity though, do you continue talking to or respect any of the girls who you casually message and they still respond to you even after you've been flakey or delayed with them? I mean I generally ignore guys who ignore me, but because I get so many guys I would have loved to date "pop in" later after a week of ignores, I'm wondering if I should entertain the slow texting game.

 

And ms Darcy- kudos to you for meeting your husband online and your vigilance to endure through so many dates. You give me hope! And yeah I agree in person is much better and I try to attend as many in person meets as possible or events, but I just haven't come across any single decent people. Maybe because I live in suburban central.

 

If I ever get to the point where I can delete my dating apps, I may just write a book about it! Hah!

[FlashEng1]

Flash- wow your response really put some things in perspective. It's nice to hear the thought process from one of the "player/flakey" guys. yeah in retrospect, I guess online dating gives me the option to be slightly pickier so I probably don't take some decent guys seriously. It is nice to know that sometimes timing is just the issue. I was really starting to think it was me. Out of curiosity though, do you continue talking to or respect any of the girls who you casually message and they still respond to you even after you've been flakey or delayed with them? I mean I generally ignore guys who ignore me, but because I get so many guys I would have loved to date "pop in" later after a week of ignores, I'm wondering if I should entertain the slow texting game.

 

Well... Funny thing about that, a good two to three dozen females on my FB friends list are of women I've met on OKC/Match. Some to this day still ask if we're ever going to meet in person and "hang out." I have a large friends list so most people in my city will have at least 5 mutual friends to me, so I guess that's how they find me. However on Tinder I have a couple monthly back and forths, and one woman messaged me first back in Nov, and I didn't reply to her until mid Jan to which she replied a couple days later, and I didn't re-reply to her until mid April.. Initially my fault because I deleted the app the first time, and the second time I was too busy in my own world to give OLD as a whole any attention. A few on POF messaged me first, and the attraction was there, but again -*tied to other things*- so when it got to text messaging and phone calls, they weren't really interesting or offering any material worth it for me to actually pursue them, just small talk. I only regret flaking on one woman, and she was the only one who didn't reply back when I reactivated my account and messaged her.. Guess it's always what you can't have?

 

"Respect" ... hmm.. I'd argue that I had enough respect to treat them kindly like I would any stranger I'd meet in person and get to know. But clearly I didn't have enough respect to tell any of them why I was no longer messaging them, or interested. Too much work playing that role? Not enough care to? Couldn't tell you exactly, but I know it's why the advice of "move on, let them go, IGNORE them" is so wise here.. Because yes, none of them were special enough or important enough for me to stop in my tracks and make them a priority of any sort, and I believe that's the bigger message. Nevermind the why, it's the simple fact that "No, you're currently not special enough in my life for me to go out of my way to pursue or entertain anything with you." -- And that's okay. I don't get on all day every day, but I do glance at my phone when a new email notification pops up and it's a replied message or new match. Sure I may be too busy to reply right then and there, but if I wind up "forgetting" and not replying for weeks-months later.. chances are I'm not taking it as seriously as someone like yourself who may be "more" ready, and actively seeking a potential partner. If that's the case, pass up every good guy or nice match who flakes, because timing and current life goals, as well as future life goals are just as important as chemistry, attraction, and commonality IMHO.

[Brokenheart99]

Flash-yeah sounds about right and kinda my experience with OLD. It just seems like there is a missing aspect of seriousness on online dating. People take it casually, and I'll admit I fall into that category sometimes too. And that's good to know that ignoring someone who ignores you is the best approach still. Thanks for the insight

[mustlovedogs]

I did Match for about a year a few years ago. Nothing came of it, so I gave up for a bit. I then signed up with OKC to "practice" dating, since I thought it would be sketchier. Literally two weeks later this amazing guy messaged me and we ended up dating for two years (the current ex I'm trying to get over). I've been on Match and OKC for 3 or so months now and nothing really has come of it yet. 2 dates. So, it's worked for me and it hasn't worked for me.

 

I'm actually getting ready to head to my best friend's place... photography is my hobby and I asked if I could take practice engagement photos of her and her fiance! They met on OKC

[Jibralta]

With online dating, my strategy was to meet in-person as quickly as possible to determine if the chemistry was there or not. No point wasting time if there's no chemistry. People who were reluctant to meet went to the end of the priority list.

 

A good thing about online dating was that I met a lot of people who I would not have otherwise met.

 

A bad thing was that the creep-factor was higher than normal. It's easier for people to hide things about themselves when you don't share mutual friends or acquaintances.

[Lucia Amman]

I've had very good experiences with online dating and only met very interesting, kind and decent guys believe it or not. I started online 'dating' when I was as young as 14 though and got into a quite serious relationship with a boy I met through ICQ back then, we had a relationship for 2 years. Then I was 16 and met some other guys through the Internet. I didn't signed up for any dating websites but we I got acquainted with a few guys through chat boxes and some of them were interesting enough to set up a date. Some just as friends and some for actually dating. When I was 18 I stopped internet dating because I went abroad and Internet dating just didn't feel right. I met my ex through a mutual friend back home (actually that mutual friend was my first boyfriend but we stayed friends for awhile). Eight years later we broke up and I started dating again. First Twitter - 1 date, great guy, too young, rebound etc etc. then I added Tinder on my phone and I was on there for about six months and I had three dates. I'm very selective with Internet dating and it pays off because all three dates were great guys and I loved them. No, it didn't turn into a serious relationship but I wasn't looking for one. I just wanted to have a friend really and they were on the same page as me. I judged their character pretty good through chatting and never got disappointed by any of my dates. They were who I thought they were. Okcupid I signed up later and only had 1 date but it was the best. I actually didn't chat for a long time with him (like I did with the other guys) but we had a instant connection and chatted (in real life) for a good couple of hours. But because we didn't had a long online chat before the date I was a bit more confused than on my other dates. It felt like actually meeting a stranger and it was the first time I felt I had made a mistake - I kept texting my friend and saying to her that if she didn't hear from me in a hour she should call the police. Lol. Oh I checked him out severely before we had a date, I already found his Facebook, where he worked and even some YouTube interview of him. So I knew rationally he was quite alright but it just felt off. He turned out to be a great guy, like I said, but i wouldn't repeat doing that ever again, no matter how trustworthy someone looks. I need to have had a long conversation with someone online before I set up a date.

 

So yeah, my online experience has been great. Most of the guys I dated with stayed friends (some with benefits ) for awhile and some I still talk to online. I'm very grateful for my experience with them, they were beyond decent and I would never have met them in any normal circumstances. I love all my dates and are very proud of them - I wish everyone would have had dates like mine because i seldom hear something close to my experience. My friends always complain about dating online so I do realize I'm either very lucky or just good at screening.

[Coldarmy13]

With online dating, my strategy was to meet in-person as quickly as possible to determine if the chemistry was there or not. No point wasting time if there's no chemistry. People who were reluctant to meet went to the end of the priority list.

 

A good thing about online dating was that I met a lot of people who I would not have otherwise met.

 

A bad thing was that the creep-factor was higher than normal. It's easier for people to hide things about themselves when you don't share mutual friends or acquaintances.

 

Thats pretty much the way i saw it as well. Only difference though was no creeps, just no shows or flakes who cancel and dont try to reschedule.

[kingofandhra]

This could be because may be you pick very attractive men. These guys have loads of options and message first to attractive women in their matches first. There was study done on tinder and it revealed 80% of women were swiping right only for top 20% men and rest of the men are simply ignored. That's why it works for hookups but never anything serious. Men aren't jewellery lol.

[Batya33]

With online dating, my strategy was to meet in-person as quickly as possible to determine if the chemistry was there or not. No point wasting time if there's no chemistry. People who were reluctant to meet went to the end of the priority list.

 

A good thing about online dating was that I met a lot of people who I would not have otherwise met.

 

A bad thing was that the creep-factor was higher than normal. It's easier for people to hide things about themselves when you don't share mutual friends or acquaintances.

 

Exactly the same experience here and same strategy. I communicated with hundreds of men, met over a hundred in person, still in touch with a few (now I'm married, for 7 years, but did not meet him through an on line site).

[judithhz]

The value of online dating is the quicker screening in larger population.

Just don't be too serious about these guys, even they initiate the conversation or showed enormous interest or seem to be very sincere.

Good luck.

[Batya33]

The value of online dating is the quicker screening in larger population.

Just don't be too serious about these guys, even they initiate the conversation or showed enormous interest or seem to be very sincere.

Good luck.

 

I agree but would put it this way - perhaps more "extreme". Have zero expectation of a stranger you chat with through an online site and if you have a time/place for a first meet, then the only expectation is that you both show up and have a pleasant conversation. It's not a date. It doesn't matter who initiates contact on a dating site or whether "enormous interest" is shown or not. All that matters is that you establish contact and then, ASAP a time/place to meet (whoever initiates -it's a stranger, and not a date) to see if there should be a real first date in the future. Obviously you only meet if you would feel comfortable safety-wise and think you could have a pleasant 45 miniute-1 hr conversation in person.

[PICCOLLO]

Online dating is a mixed bag; it does depend a lot on expectation and attitude. Going into it with the realisation that the people you are talking to may want a hook up, a relationship or just to chat helps. Also understanding that all they see is what you post on your profile is important to know. They are selecting you based on generic personality traits, they dont know the real you.

 

There can be a tendency (because of all the options) to treat dating sites as meat markets or as a throw-away interest. Meet potential partners early and disregard anyone who seems flakey or won't meet sooner rather than later. Its nothing personal; they are just on there for a different purpose. (Eg. Boredom, confidence boost, general curiosity)

[Jibralta]

Have zero expectation of a stranger you chat with through an online site and if you have a time/place for a first meet, then the only expectation is that you both show up and have a pleasant conversation.

 

A good rule of thumb.