wai Posted May 27, 2016 Author Share Posted May 27, 2016 Fair enough. I understand where you're coming from. See, the problem here is that he's not just a business partner. He's your boyfriend. He would be living in this place, right? And you'd be together, right? It's not really JUST a business transaction because he would not go into this with you if you were a total stranger. Also, you guys breaking up makes this awkward and undesirable for him. I'm not saying you will break up, I'm just saying that it's a risk on his part. I think you are having conflicted feelings on this because you're worried about his cold feet and how he is distancing himself. You're living proof yourself that "strictly business" transactions don't work well with romantic partners - it leads to mixed feelings and confusion. It sounds like he doesn't actually want to pony up the money and put it towards this. And that's fine, that's his choice. So what are you going to do? He said we will deposit 10g each to a joint account on our anniversary and deposit a certain amount monthly and he said we definitely will buy a place together in a year and half. Even if our saving together isnt enough for downpayment, he said he will put is personal saving to this and buy a place together. which im not ok with. I want to put in my fair share of money. I dont like to owe people anything especially money. He knows that too. Im just going to sleep on it and think about it for now. I definitely will not bring this up again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wai Posted May 27, 2016 Author Share Posted May 27, 2016 If I were in your shoes, my plan would be to just never mention it again. Try to enjoy what you have now, and spend quality time together. If it's something he wants to do, he'll bring it up. Joint accounts and moving in together are huge steps, and both people need to feel 100% on their decisions. If someone feels pressured to make such a commitment, they will sometimes focus on negative things in the relationship to justify their uncertainty. Not saying he will, but I know I have. Best wishes, and please keep us posted. Thank you. I will listen to your advice. I am also feeing the same way. I just need to confrim it here lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted May 27, 2016 Share Posted May 27, 2016 I think that's a good idea. I would let it go for now. He has a plan ongoing, he isn't that long out of school, and he's still with his family. Give him time and enjoy your time together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 He sounds quite devoted to his family. Do you have the same cultural background? Is your hurry to talk about putting his money in joint account to buy a house an effort to get him away from his family?Supporting them financially, i wouldnt mind if they need it. His sister makes about 80k a year. So i would have issue if he choose to put in the money to buy them a house. We both make more than enough money. Actually he makes twice more than me since he is a doctor but i wouldnt like it if he hands out a big portion of the paychek while we could be saving for our future. No he didnt force me to move in with them but he was throwing around words like how they would pay their aunt for the money they contributed to the house and bulding a brand new house. So it makes me think be is thinking about living with them forever Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wai Posted May 28, 2016 Author Share Posted May 28, 2016 He sounds quite devoted to his family. Do you have the same cultural background? Is your hurry to talk about putting his money in joint account to buy a house an effort to get him away from his family? Yes! I feel like his family is very dependent. How do you know that is the reason? Omg! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 Unfortunately all the talk about houses etc. will just be discussed with his family and they will veto all your ideas to sever him from them. That plan makes no sense from a financial or logistical or timeline or relationship or real estate standpoint, so it must have been devised for some other reason.Yes! I feel like his family is very dependent. How do you know that is the reason? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wai Posted May 28, 2016 Author Share Posted May 28, 2016 Unfortunately all the talk about houses etc. will just be discussed with his family and they will veto all your ideas to sever him from them. That plan makes no sense from a financial or logistical or timeline or relationship or real estate standpoint, so it must have been devised for some other reason. Are you saying he will put his family before me? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 Absolutely, they put him through med school, it's his culture and he feels it's his duty. He as well as they will sense what you're up to.Are you saying he will put his family before me? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wai Posted May 28, 2016 Author Share Posted May 28, 2016 Absolutely, they put him through med school, it's his culture and he feels it's his duty. He as well as they will sense what you're up to. He sort of told me he will slowly tell his family he is going to move out and buy his own place ect... We are from the same culture and background. So i kinda know where he's coiming from. What should i do then? And are you saying im wrong to get him away from his family? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
limichelle Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 Hi, You shouldn't come between him and his family you won't win there. What you should do is let him do this at his own pace. He gave you a plan of what he wants with the house that's good for now right? I would just go with the flow right now and enjoy each other's company and know you both have a goal. As for his family he knows them best and how to break it to them so leave that up to him. Lisa Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wai Posted May 28, 2016 Author Share Posted May 28, 2016 Hi, You shouldn't come between him and his family you won't win there. What you should do is let him do this at his own pace. He gave you a plan of what he wants with the house that's good for now right? I would just go with the flow right now and enjoy each other's company and know you both have a goal. As for his family he knows them best and how to break it to them so leave that up to him. Lisa Thank you for your advice! This sounds like a very mature way to handle the situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notalady Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 He sort of told me he will slowly tell his family he is going to move out and buy his own place ect... We are from the same culture and background. So i kinda know where he's coiming from. What should i do then? And are you saying im wrong to get him away from his family? Does he plan to move out eventually when he can afford it? If so, why do you need to "get him away" from his family? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wai Posted May 28, 2016 Author Share Posted May 28, 2016 Does he plan to move out eventually when he can afford it? If so, why do you need to "get him away" from his family? Yes he said he will but that was after i pointed out that i want him to. but im sure he is planning to move out once he can afford a place but he kept telling me he wants to buy a house with a backyard and he wants to save up enough downpayment. I see that as an excuse for him to stall. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 Yes he said he will but that was after i pointed out that i want him to. but im sure he is planning to move out once he can afford a place but he kept telling me he wants to buy a house with a backyard and he wants to save up enough downpayment. I see that as an excuse for him to stall. You told him you want him to move out. He agreed to appease you. It doesn't sound like moving out is what he wants. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ParisPaulette Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 Then you back away, and fast. Bluntly speaking, purchasing property together shouldn't be done unless you're married and have a good solid prenup in place that protects both of you. And yes, I know how unsexy that sounds, but we're talking a giant situation here. A house with both your names on the deed is not a light thing. Your boyfriend is right to back away from that and you shouldn't be in such a rush either. Before you do anything so drastic you should both at least be getting some financial counseling and addressing money, how you feel about it, what each of you spends it on, what protections each of you will have if things were to end between you. Too many people don't do that and it can and does kill relationships all too often. Or make ones that end far more painful and upsetting than they had to be. At the least pull back and talk to him about some financial consulting and counseling together. It would at least get you both on the same page with regards to money and might open up communication channels in other areas. And that's a whole separate issue to the one with his family and frankly I would not go near that. Let him sort it out with his family, you cannot make someone cut the apron strings if they don't want to or don't feel ready to do so. Sorry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmarple Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 One year would be way too early for me to make a decision like that. What's the hurry? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wai Posted May 28, 2016 Author Share Posted May 28, 2016 You told him you want him to move out. He agreed to appease you. It doesn't sound like moving out is what he wants. That sounds depressing lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 It's not your decision to make. You are dating less than a year, you're not engaged, he is close to and grateful to his family and blood is thicker than water. Obviously he is stalling to keep the peace. His family and he will decide what they want to do, not someone he's just dating for less than a year. im wrong to get him away from his family? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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