Uncertainty

[livelovedance]

Another red flag, being over=complimentary and talking about "future" anything when you've only just met them. Instead of "OH, I think I've found my soulmate," you need to be asking yourself, "Okay, Pal. Why the rush to create a false intimacy? Travel with you? I don't even fricking know you."

 

Future faking is something players and manipulators use. They create a false sense of intimacy in a rushed manner by getting you to look into the future and see yourself with the person, to get excited about what's to come, instead of just looking at what is right in front of you.

 

No guy I ever dated or had a relationship pulled that on me. They just wanted to know about me and let me know about them then plan another date. Smooth talking, over-flattery, future "we're gonna" when you barely know each other? Also red flags. Big ones.

 

This guy has got a pretty set MO. Next it'll be how he's been waiting for a girl just like you and he's so happy he FINALLY found you, blah-blah-blah, more flattery, more future plans, now let's go to bed, oh I know you aren't that kind of girl, I'm not that kind of guy, come on just a kiss, let's go to Italy next year, blah-blah-blah.

 

It's actually pretty paint by numbers.

 

BTW sorry to tell you this, but it sounds like you're hanging with the wrong guys if they just keep complimenting you on your passivity and unwillingness to raise any waves. Those really aren't the kinds of things a good man is looking for. He wants to know he has someone who will have his back and can raise some heck if she has to, he won't be afraid of a woman who can speak her mind and have a backbone.

 

Always beware the person who wants only a yes man or yes woman around them. Those have another agenda, usually not a good one.

 

 

Honestly, that thought of it moving too quickly with the future traveling plans never crossed my mind, weirdly enough. I was lost in how much i liked him and how much i already wanted to see him again after date 1 that all this sudden talk about me joining him on trips never threw me off. I brought it up to a friend of mine and she gave me a 0.0 look, like "that's so soon, you guys barely know each other." I shrugged it off because i saw nothing wrong with him and I didn't mind going away for a day/evening with him. Looking back on things, even though this was maybe 2-3 weeks ago, i actually thought it was fine. Unfortunately things with him did get intimate on the 3rd date, and I felt fine about it, stupidly enough. I'm not bummed that he's AWOL after that evening, i guess i'm just bummed that I fell for his charm and "MO" as quickly as I did.

 

I'm the epitome of a yes woman, it's so bad. I'm perfectly capable of speaking my mind but once i'm attracted to someone, anything they do goes and it's like they can do no wrong. I may speak up a little bit but i'll want to avoid conflict and disagreements any way i can. So i guess my issue is how do i develop a backbone and learn to raise a little heck? I've always been soft-spoken and shy and i'll keep my mouth shut if it means keeping someone happy.

[Hollyj]

Live,

 

Reread Catfeeder's and Paris' response, over and over.

[livelovedance]

Speaking of travel on date one is awfully premature. It's a seduction technique called 'painting a future picture,' or 'future speak,' and it's designed to see how well you can be hooked into fantasy.

 

Skip anyone who talks of travel, love, marriage, kids or anything that requires more t.i.m.e. to establish trust, compatibility and love first.

 

Someone who sounds like they're rushing is hiding something. They may or may not be conscious of what they're hiding, but healthy people have no need to paint fantasies for themselves--or anyone else--in order to bond with another healthy person.

 

 

That makes a lot of sense actually. He really led with that foot heavily - he called me the evening before he was leaving for one of his trips to invite me to come with him. I asked him about it when i saw him recently and he played it off with a laugh, and was all "yeah it was crazy, i would've probably just left you at the hotel for half the day and then we could've gone out for dinner or something. I just need a travel buddy, i hate driving alone." Uh, alright there bud. -__- It's hard for me to live in the moment because i get anxious about what's to come and get excited quickly about things going well, hence why all of this "future speak" sounded good to me at the time. Thank you for your insight, that's definitely something to think about ! : )

[Hollyj]

Slow your roll.

 

Suggesting travel and a future before knowing one another, is A HUGE RED FLAG!!!!! Don't let your ego take over, and look at things realistically Don't get reeled in by player lines.

[Hollyj]

Live,

 

I strongly suggest you check out Baggagereclaim.com I think it will help you greatly!!! Do a search on the site for future faking, and I would also look into emotionally unavailable men. I think that you will also learn about yourself, as well.

[livelovedance]

Slow your roll.

 

Suggesting travel and a future before knowing one another, is A HUGE RED FLAG!!!!! Don't let your ego take over, and look at things realistically Don't get reeled in by player lines.

 

Absolutely, i couldn't agree more. I keep jumping back to the idea of why would anyone really lead with travel talk if they don't want to pursue someone. Like it's baffling to me that they'd lead with that just to hear themselves speak and then bam, vanish and on to the next one. I love being with someone and having a future with someone and going on all of these adventures with someone, so the fact that i thought we were on the same page was what really got me hooked. It comes back to my lack of self-confidence and the excitement of having someone who's a total catch go for me.

 

It's all a work-in-progress but i'm determined to not fall for crap like that again.

[livelovedance]

Live,

 

I strongly suggest you check out Baggagereclaim.com I think it will help you greatly!!! Do a search on the site for future faking, and I would also look into emotionally unavailable men. I think that you will also learn about yourself, as well.

 

 

I absolutely will, thanks a million for everything!

[Hollyj]

Good luck!

 

I learned a great deal from that site! Showed me a great deal about myself. Life changing!!!!

[Ms Darcy]

That's actually a very insightful perspective, thank you! It does seem like i was blinded by things and actually, funny that you mention the other girls he could possibly be talking to because on date 2, when we were heading back home, i saw that he was chatting with someone on a dating app while seated right next to me. It stung like a mf but i tried to shrug it off because i liked him so much. He even deliberately tilted his phone away from me so i wouldnt see 0.0 I was in awe, and still am, but i tried to rationalize things and kept it moving.

 

Yeah, seeing this I would say move on. Chatting with another woman on a dating site with you there is incredibly rude and you should be strong enough/have enough self-respect to walk away from this guy.

[Ms Darcy]

This takes 'multitasking' to a whole new level.

 

And it takes multi-dating to a new level too!

[ParisPaulette]

So i guess my issue is how do i develop a backbone and learn to raise a little heck? I've always been soft-spoken and shy and i'll keep my mouth shut if it means keeping someone happy.

 

Apologies in advance for the book, but maybe some of my advice will help you and yes, other women AND men too. Guys are just as much in need of this as anyone else is.

 

Well, being a reformed "nice girl/yes woman" myself I can tell you two things helped me massively: one, martial arts. Seriously, if I were queen of the world every boy and girl would be made to take a minimum of 3 years of Krav Maga or any type of martial arts before the age of 12. It's not even about the being able to defend yourself, it's about being forced to be so comfortable in your own skin and so comfortable being able to face up to and physically come into contact with other people, even getting hurt in the process, that you overcome that instinctive "back away, don't fight" impulse.

 

It builds your confidence in your own skin and that's important. Vital even.

 

The second thing to help is to educate yourself on what constitutes boundaries pushing and/or manipulation tactics. Again if I could every boy and girl would be taught these, again before they're 12. To that end two sources helped me: the website http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk by Natalie Li, the woman who wrote "Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl," has a ton of great articles on dating and relationships. Granted her stuff is geared towards women, but men can find a whole lot of useful stuff there too.

 

The other thing is the book, "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker. While that book is more about your own personal safety much of his information also is geared towards paying attention to manipulation tactics, how and who to say no to, and just being aware of a true red flag versus needless fears that don't help you. His book was recommended to me by a friend who was shot and left to die in a carjacking. My friend decided to be "nice" and say "yes" to the wrong people even though he knew something was off and his instincts told him not to stop the car. He did so anyways and nearly paid for it with his life. If a trucker on a late-night run hadn't found my friend at the side of the road, he'd have died that night.

 

He read the book, recommended it to me, I am now an avid fan of Gavin de Becker's. Warning, it is a hard book to read, especially the first story in it, but you need to read that and you need to change your view of the world from one where someone charming you gets an automatic pass on red flag behaviors. I did that, I was the girl in the first story, it nearly ended with me being abducted and murdered when I was in college. (An eternity ago BTW) If I hadn't had an uncle was a big city cop, who'd given me tips previously on what to do in a bad situation, (advice I clearly remember rolling my eyes at, at the time when I was a know-it-all teen) I would likely have died that night. Instead I escaped, a bit roughed up, but untouched and alive.

 

These things have pretty much reshaped my view from "People I barely know or don't know at all should be trusted completely, especially if they're nice to me and I'm nice to them," to one of "You need to earn my trust and do that over time and if you can't do that one simple thing there's the door. And I'm prepared to boot you out of it if you try anything or accuse me of this being a bad thing, because it's not."

 

Granted the latter is a bit more spirited than most sociopaths or manipulators are comfortable with, too bad. I'm not a yes woman until someone has earned that privilege from me. And they do need to earn it.

 

And that's the attitude you need to adopt. Trust should not be blindly given, it should be earned, regardless of how charming or nice someone seems to be. The fact is you need to not give that label of "nice" or "trustworthy" to someone until you've seen with your own two eyes they really are that. Talk is cheap, it's easy to fool people, it's easy to create false sense of intimacy or future fake or say, "You love that? Oh my gosh, me too! Soul mate!!!!" when you in fact have not seen with your own two eyes these things are true.

 

Also there is zero shame in being a strong person with clear boundaries who takes their time getting to know someone. Only those with another agenda will fault you for that, consider they've just pulled out their clear red flags of why you probably shouldn't' trust them and move on.

 

Just my two cents.

[livelovedance]

Hey everyone!

 

So it's been about a week & a half since I posted anything here, and 2 weeks since i'd heard from the guy in question (with the exception of 2 instagram pics of mine that he's liked since then). Now, comedic story time:

 

I went to run some errands around 11AM with a friend, when suddenly, I get a WhatsApp message from him: "Come say hi". What in the hell? 2 weeks without so much as a word and that's the best he can do? Unfortunately, the butterflies I felt for him started back up and i got excited, but my friend's voice of reason kicked in so i kept my responses simple. He said I'd passed him on my block, so i told him to give me a few minutes and I came outside. I saw him walking over and naturally, the butterflies resumed...until he opened his mouth to speak. -___- Conversation was friendly, he remembered that my birthday is in a few weeks and that i planned to go out of town. Anyhow, I was all "so it's been a while, how's everything with you, keeping busy?" He goes "Yea i know, it really has been, I didn't expect to see you!" He proceeds to tell me he's been busy with work and business trips and thankfully finding time to go out drinking in the midst of all that. He asked how my weekend was looking and i said it was free at the moment, to which he responded "Yeah same, just gonna relax, maybe go for a run or a banya" (russian bathhouse). Nothing planned." No mention of seeing me, nothing of the sort. So my persistent self spewed out "maybe when you've got time, we can grab a drink or something." He just smiled and goes "Yeahh, i'll let you know when my schedule frees up and we'll do that." I mean, HONESTLY.

 

I don't even know if i'm asking for advice at this point because I was in awe from his idiotic ways. But yeah, just thought i'd share with an update for you all, as I'm super grateful for all of your kinds words in response to my initial post!

[Ms Darcy]

He's definitely not interested and is dating others.

 

It was a little cringeworthy to see you jump to see him and suggest a date.

[livelovedance]

He's definitely not interested and is dating others.

 

It was a little cringeworthy to see you jump to see him and suggest a date.

 

Oy i know, im still wondering why I said that. Maybe its because in that moment, I didn't want to appear uninterested and I couldn't face the facts without trying to see what I could do to salvage things. He just kept smiling at me so I thought there was still something there. Ugh, what a waste.

[livelovedance]

I know it's evident that he isn't interested anymore, and something vital I left out is that we did sleep together on the 3rd date. It was silly because i let my attraction for him take over completely, and now i see what his intentions were.

 

My other question is that why would he choose to see me for a few minutes? He could've not acknowledged the fact that he saw me and not messaged me to come out and say hi to him. But nope, he greeted me with a smile and a kiss on the cheek along with a tight hug, and proceeded to stand there and ask what I've been up to. Genuinely interested in what i've had going on. I'm probably getting myself in too far and deep into things, and he was just being friendly, right?

[ThatwasThen]

I know it's evident that he isn't interested anymore, and something vital I left out is that we did sleep together on the 3rd date. It was silly because i let my attraction for him take over completely, and now i see what his intentions were.

 

My other question is that why would he choose to see me for a few minutes? He could've not acknowledged the fact that he saw me and not messaged me to come out and say hi to him. But nope, he greeted me with a smile and a kiss on the cheek along with a tight hug, and proceeded to stand there and ask what I've been up to. Genuinely interested in what i've had going on. I'm probably getting myself in too far and deep into things, and he was just being friendly, right?

This is what players do. Now, don't be surprised if he doesn't contact you randomly and see if you're up for a booty call. If you accept, then you better not have any expectations other then getting some because this guy is not interested in being tied up to one chick. Not you or likely not anyone else.

[livelovedance]

This is what players do. Now, don't be surprised if he doesn't contact you randomly and see if you're up for a booty call. If you accept, then you better not have any expectations other then getting some because this guy is not interested in being tied up to one chick. Not you or likely not anyone else.

 

Absolutely, as sucky as it is.

 

I don't plan on accepting (at least i hope i don't cave) because he's proven not worthy of my time. It's such a crappy situation when you give someone so much credit just based off of a first date and you expect consistency on their part. As much fun as I had, I couldn't do it again with him and expect to be ok with the booty-call idea. It's just amusing to me also because I know he's had a girlfriend before so being committed to one person was possible for him in the past. Idk what to make of things but this is all annoying and he's a schmuck.

[ThatwasThen]

Absolutely, as sucky as it is.

 

I don't plan on accepting (at least i hope i don't cave) because he's proven not worthy of my time. It's such a crappy situation when you give someone so much credit just based off of a first date and you expect consistency on their part. As much fun as I had, I couldn't do it again with him and expect to be ok with the booty-call idea. It's just amusing to me also because I know he's had a girlfriend before so being committed to one person was possible for him in the past. Idk what to make of things but this is all annoying and he's a schmuck.

Well, he may have had a girlfriend and for all you know of him, he still does... players do that too. Anyway, you can do better then him and it's good to see you have the personal boundaries to realize that.

 

Onward and upward, livelovedance.

[Ms Darcy]

I think he was just feeling you out to see if he could get sone more easy sex. I would not read too much into it other than he may be interested in occasional sex.

[livelovedance]

Well, he may have had a girlfriend and for all you know of him, he still does... players do that too. Anyway, you can do better then him and it's good to see you have the personal boundaries to realize that.

 

Onward and upward, livelovedance.

 

Im just basing it off the instagram pics i saw of him and his ex from 3 years ago, and he referred to her as an ex when he told me about the friends he's met through an "ex" but he continued with "it's disrespectful to talk about an ex on a first date so i won't do that to you." Anyway, i don't wanna dwell and ramble and all that, so I'll just settle on the fact that I'm sure I'll do way better than him. I know i need to set personal boundaries because getting me whenever he wants me is not an "opportunity" he deserves to have.

 

Yes yes, sure thing. Thank you

[livelovedance]

I think he was just feeling you out to see if he could get sone more easy sex. I would not read too much into it other than he may be interested in occasional sex.

 

He was there just waiting for some friends, but he did send me a "who u with" message when I told him to give me a few minutes. When he saw that I was there with a friend, he just introduced himself to her casually and even when my friend left to go run some more errands, he still didn't really make any advances apart from the hug and kiss on the cheek in the beginning and at the end. He didn't even make any plans himself, i was the one who inquired about things. Yeah, I know that thinking too far into it is useless because there's nothing left to overthink. If he wanted to pursue me further, he wouldn't have waited 2 weeks to say anything to me, and it took him seeing me to even say something - had he never seen me, he probably would've never reached out.

[Ms Darcy]

Yeah he may have never reached out.