Home and Growth

[Nwadour]

A heart, a spirit of man, its form constantly shaped by the hand of others, what chaotic forms it can assume, if these "others" are infinitely diverse, and this heart seeks acceptance amongst all universe...

 

A heart, unanchored confidence, displaying harmony, invoking courage in many, yet veiling rancor, melancholy and oscillation between what seems home and what seems growth.

 

Home, containing the older friends, those who nourished our weaknesses, towers like a moral codex next to the spires of the vexed spirit that yearns to break through complex social and emotional determinism.

"You are an outsider! You are unlucky! You are an idiot! You are dumb! You are mad! You are perverse! You are one who nobody wants! You talk nonsense! You are a worm! And you will always be!"

 

Do we need Home's consent and commentary to confirm our existence?

"You have to wear this! You have to behave like that! You have to wait! You are responsibile! You will never if you don't! Don't say nonsense! Do this! Do that! Be this! Be that! Come here! Go there!..."

 

Growth, containing the new friends, pure extension of mind, those who burying its narrowness enable flight to freedom, sincere perceiving, reasoning and determination.

"You are great! You are smart! You are a hero! You saved us! We need one like you! You are a genius! You are resolute! You are unoutstandable! I love you...!"

 

Unsure happiness, enforced smile at every humor, irony, sarcasm, cynicism, accompanies this constant pensiveness (since one year now, ever since I started this Growth), asking and bearing the questions,

 

Will Home relate to Growth as one of infinite attributes to a unique substance?

Which stage of self-perception is reality, Home or Growth?

Will Growth prevail, than any cheap compromise?

Or is Growth just a stage on which the actors are paid better and the playwrights have compassion , interest or are idiots themselves?

 

Ever since I started asking myself these questions, there is a heavy layer of melancholy over my spirit, that often brings me to say poetical, sentimental and epical things such as "May our friendship last eternally" when we lift a glass of wine in a circle of my New friends.

As if I will die soon. As if my "new friends" are my one and only precious. Which I obviously have to mask.

At such an exclamation, my Older friends would have started singing "Nwadour and his nonsense... Nwadour and his nonsense..." etc.

But even when I say such things with my new friends, my presense, my words hint at melancholy, at the fact that I cannot REALLY enjoy because of my uncertainty.

 

In addition to this uncertainty, there's also the fact that I see these new friends very rarely, whereas my old friends are people I see everyday at school. You may deduce what I mean with that. And how come what is said by people I see everyday has more pressure...

[Alabama]

Your writing is very poetic. As for your uncertainties, you must learn to let go of these. We as humans shape our minds, and our realities by our uncertanties. We think of something and wonder if it might be, and thus we are thrown a world of doubt. It is a very dangerous thing to do. Yet embrace your new friends, as you have done, and if the old ones are not as nice as they seem, then don't worry about them. But you said you rarely see your new friends, then maybe try find ways to see them more. Do not worry how often you are with them though, as their presense, even a little, can raise someone's heart like a mountain. They are your guidance and comfort and even a little should be enough. Good luck and may your heart guide you!

[Nwadour]

Growth Prevailed today itself!

 

Accidentally it happened that in a moment of extreme burdening by Home, a person from Growth came and confirmed my existence to Home.

Not only confirmed, but made certain elements of Home feel below and changed their perspective on me radically.

Until that particular moment, I was always in doubt of myself for the doubts that these people of Home had set in me.

And the fact that a person of Growth was able to put also in doubt one of the people of Home really made me feel good.

It's all a game of confidence.

 

However I don't consider it wise to let many people of both sides meet.

Today it had been an accident, a good accident!

But what if next time Home manages to override what Growth possesses of me?

 

What if Growth and Home ally against me?

These are still fears that hover in my soul.

[Alabama]

Do not let ideas cover you in shadow. For you are the light, remember that. You are the light that protects you from the shadow of the world. Perpahs it will not be too bad if Home and Growth meet. I do not think they would ally against you, as you seem to be a very good soul. I shall share you a tale of my experience. I had some friends for whom I really liked, and I had another group of friends whom I liked the same. So I tried to mix the two, but alas it was not too be. The two groups did not get along. So I have avoided mixing, but am friends with both of the groups still now. Think only good in home and growth and hope for the best. Good luck and may your wish come true!