we stood on these cliffs on a starless night... or something like that

[Wolfshook]

I just need to vent, to get things out of my head and heart. Dont want to bother friends with that.

 

I'm down for about a week now and it just gets worse each day. Today is supposed to be our anniversary, so happy anniversary darling.

 

Oh when I remember through what we've been since we started relationship (and even before). We survived LDR and a lot of troubles that were in our way, it's sad that she cant see that.

 

I loved her dearly,but I made so many mistakes due to my personality and childishness, I grew through that, I realized those things even before she left me and I was struggling with them along the way, she never knew about it because she lost interess in everything in her life except tv shows and partying with her "friends" (didnt mind that though , I liked that openness in our relationship).

Ever since breakup I managed to solve some of those problems , started struggling with problems I didnt know I had and started working on myself a lot.

 

Few days before she left me she was screaming how much she loved me when I surprised her with something she loves.

 

I miss her.

 

I miss her hugs, I miss how she would lean on my shoulder and grab my hand when our song played on radio. I miss how she would grab my hand when she was scared. I miss how she nodded my leg with her leg when she couldnt be mad at me but didnt want to say sorry. I miss her as a whole. She does have her flaws,but we all do.

 

It's been a month since I heard from her and 2 since I've seen her. I feel like first week even though it's been 5 months since bu.

 

Time flies.

 

I decided that I should move on and maybe start dating. It failed misserabely.

 

One girl turned out to have a bf so I didnt want to continue anything.

 

One got back with her ex (well not yet completely but it's heading that way).

 

The third one is just boring.

 

I do have a fwb but it is long distance and we see each other once a month tops. And I dont really have feelings for her to be honest.

 

It seems like I'm stuck now, just dont progress with my healing. I want to get better and to forget her but just cant. Just a bit more than a month ago I was feeling great, as though it's all ok, I feel like #$%@ now.

 

I'm starting this journal so I can get things off my chest, I'm keeping this in for maybe more than a week now, I cant any more.

 

I hope this limbo doesnt last any longer, idk if I can cope any more.

[Wolfshook]

I feel a bit better today, sun is shining and the weather is great.

 

The only thing that troubles my mind now is whether I do cardio today or lift.

[Wolfshook]

Another bad day.

 

Accidentaly seen her photo, she is even more beautiful than she was before. And I've been dreaming about her again,not good for me. Idk if she has somebody but I believe she does, hope he makes her happy.

 

Parents like giving me hard time and my boss disaproves of anything I do,just have to stay on this job for 2 more months. College is going down aswell. It seems like I'm a huge mess.

 

I've been thinking about us, it seems that she is just a stranger now. I dont know how will I ever be able to trust another girl again, I will probably always be waiting for breakup to happen.

She was really somebody special to me, the ways she cared and how she made plans about our future up to the last week makes me even sadder.

 

I just want to run, or to hide, or to lock myself up,but I know it wont make me happier, nothig can make me happier.

 

Well as they say, tommorow is new day,and our day will come... once , I hope.

[Wolfshook]

Been ok today, I havent even thought about her for big part of my day, it's been 5 weeks since I've heard from her,part of me is happy for this and part of me wishes for her to contact me.

 

Yesterday a beautiful little child triggered me to start missing her, she was talking about our future kids and about proposals up to a week before BU, well it's gone now,sadly.

[Wolfshook]

I miss you.

[Wolfshook]

Reading stuff about other peoples endings makes me feel even worse. In most of their stories exes were actually awful, but my ex was such a wonderfull person that I cant really resent her. I cant find a reason to hate her. I've seen some messages few days ago and realized how great she was.

 

I've been on a few dates and I just couldnt continue with them. Things with my ex were so amazingly simple even from the beginning. It all just went so natural, we've been through LDR for some time but even that was so simple with her that I just feel awfull when I remember. Will I ever find somebody like her again?

 

I was at the party yesterday, it was great. But I've seen friends from my ex, she wasnt with them. I just played it as if I havent noticed them, I havent really spent a lot of time meeting them so I believe I have no obligations to them. Helped one of them when she was stuck with her car broken,but even she didnt say hi so I said fck it. Did I behave correctly?

To be honest it does bother me a bit that my ex wasnt with them, she used to go everywhere with that group of friends, so I'm curious what was up,maybe she had to work or something. I suppose it's better I dont know.

 

Been talking to my friend, her ex (that she left because he was cheating her and was utter ahole to her) called her and was again ahole to her. She said she isnt bothered but it's pretty obvious that she is. I believe that if he didnt do that he'd actually have a shot. It saddens me when I see that aholes get another chance.

 

I have no temptations to call her or contact her, which is weird. I just miss her a lot, and I mean A LOT. I'd love to hear her voice again,to hug her. I just feel really sad about this whole thing with us because we had good connection, I do admit that things havent always been perfect, but there is no such thing as perfection in life. And nor she or I are perfect,but she is perfect for me.