I just can't get him out of my head

[Playing nice]

It is now 5 months since we separated after 26 years, NC is not an option as we have a child with learning disabilities, that we have strived to be amicable for I try to keep contact only about her but if I'm honest I long for a text or call and I don't know why, he was a rubbish partner he never supported me emotionally or financially we never talked about things when we were together problems were just swept away he provided a percentage of the money needed (I was the main earner) but never a paid bill had no idea how much was needed if he wanted something he got it regardless of what our money situation was I struggled financially for years and didn't tell him ever

For more than a year before we decided to split (almost 1 year) he made me feel miserable I became anxious and depressed and felt worn out when I said I didn't want to be with him anymore he was in full agreement but he has never told me why he has never taken ownership of his part in our relationship I was so relieved it was over the following 7 months were taken up with selling our house packing buying a new home and moving along with work I kind of flew through it the thought that I didn't have to endure that life anymore was wonderful I felt lighter... But now I can't understand why I feel the way I do I dont want him back I don't want us to be together but he is all I think about he told me last week he has a 'girlfriend' and how great she is I told him I was happy for him and hope it works out but I'm not I hope it fails I don't want him to move on he walked away without any responsibility I have my daughter with me and the stress that that involves we had a large amount of equity from the sale of the house which was halved most of which came from our previous home which he never paid a penny to I bought a home he bought a car and moved in with a sister he has been generous to us but I feel we deserve it I just can't get over it I have days where I cry every time I am alone I have friends but no family near me I try to get out and try to have fun but that is limited because of my daughter I work 5 days a week and I just feel exhausted i just want to crawl into a corner and stay there forever I know that I am pathetic I was the one who wanted this I am the one who should be positive but I'm not I'm sad, depressed and alone I just want it to be over why won't it stop hurting I just want to be normal I have cried so many tears in the past I thought it was my time to have peace

[Billie28]

Hi,

First thing I recognise in your post is that you are financially Independant, I assume a good career and job you are happy with.

You have a daughter you love and care for.

Her learning disabilities means that yes she requires more attention but have you sought help for that? I don't mean from family but there are often programs that are created in your local hospital to provide carers relief. Have you looked into any of this?

 

How old is your daughter?

Have you made a mutual agreement on shared care? How often does he see her or take care of her? Just because she has a disability does not mean you have to bear all of the burden. And I don't mean offence by the word burden. Caring for any child, adult, animal etc is a burden. One we are happy to undertake but should be without guilt to share it.

 

You sound very responsible financially having got a new house. He got a boy toy and living with his sister. He has a gf within 5 months out of a 26 yr relationship. Don't waste time worrying about his rebound and immature way of trying to cope. That won't last anyway.

 

After 26 years you are of course going to miss parts of him, you don't miss all of him. The parts you miss are the parts anyone can fill. Company, someone to talk to, even intimacy. But , you are just missing that , not missing him.

 

You are doing absolutely fine! Your feelings are normal , recognise that. But you will move on from this and be happier for it.

Both the dumper and dumpee need to grieve and that's what you are doing. You are way ahead of your ex in this process.

 

Be proud of how far you have come and keep it up! You are so strong! Well done you!!

 

Have you not read others posts on here from people that crumble after a 2 month relationship ends?

 

You are someone who would benefit others with your own advice and story!

It's actually quite refreshing to read a post from someone who has the courage you have despite all.

 

What a great and inspiring lady you are!

[Playing nice]

Thank you for your kind words, I cried, but for a different reason, I know the theory and I have always been the one to give positive supporting sound advice to others in the past. I have always been independent, had to be, I was a single parent at 20 after my first relationship ended when my partner of 2 years went off with a friend when I was pregnant, I chalked it up and moved on. I won't say I was strong at that time I had low self esteem and my second partner was a serial cheater when that ended after 3 years, because I had had enough, again I moved on, NC in both cases so I KNOW that works I cut off everything the mutual friends, places we went etc and that works!! I have this phrase 'don't let anyone know how much they meant to you when they don't want you anymore'

I have my own small business in the health field after going back to university and retraining I love my work and it the only outlet I have where I have to put on a face and deal with it. My daughter is 19 and has some very challenging behaviour, that I have always dealt with, but can be quite overwhelming at times. He doesn't see her regularly they have very limited time together he has said that he will do more but that has not happened taking her out for an hour or two once a week or two weeks is about the most I have looked at getting help but as she is no longer classed as a child and in a stable (ish) environment there are more deserving cases for the little help there is.

I have a few friends who have been very supportive but I was always the strong one, I have broken down with a couple of them and they have pulled me through, saying much of what you have, but I don't want them to see me as a sad useless person so at my low points I don't want to turn to them again. I feel so stupid.

A few weeks ago I propositioned my ex, just to see if he would, I needed intimacy, it did happen, and the following week he came to me, it wasn't a going back neither of us want that but it was so good just to know he didn't hate me, I have had to try so hard to be nice I don't want bad feelings between us for my daughters sake but I sometimes wish hate would creep in I try to put myself back to the time when I said I wanted to end it and to the day I moved into my own house because I was strong then I knew that the road ahead was scary but it was so much better than the road I was on I could see my life as being free, full of hope and happiness but I just hit a brick wall about 2 months ago my older daughter came to visit she has been quite sad about our split and is 'supportive' in her own way to both of us but she feels really sorry for him and was romanticising saying things like you will never say that quote from that film again, you will never say those words again and it made me so afraid, afraid that no one will ever love me again (I hadn't even thought about that aspect of the future) I have my girls who will always love me but.... My goal now is to keep our contact limited I can't be the friend I thought I could be to him, that was only to keep him in my life and as that is never going to do anything other than hurt me I have to cut it off. Thank you again F

[Billie28]

Hi again,

Just so you know , I am not one to compliment or try to make people feel good. I am extremely blunt with my opinions on threads because if I am to advise others I believe in the non biased blunt approach. People have friends , work colleagues, family etc to offer sympathy and a hug.

Read my comments on others posts so you can be assured that I wasn't being kind I was being genuine.

You have a strong charachter and I congratulate you on that.

Having a weak moment does not mean you are weak, it means you are human. Some supposed strong characters only appear that way because they are without emotion. You are not that.

Your eldest does not have enough experience to realise the position you are in. It's endearing that she feels for both of you , but in time and with her own development and growth with relationships she will understand your split and realise that the chick flick happy endings is not true to reality.

You are however blessed to have her support even though she doesn't quite get it yet.

You have loved, have been loved, there is no reason to think that won't come your way again. Given the person you are, I am sure it will happen.

It's not your priority right now, you are still settling into your new life and you will find a lot of peace with that once you get through the 5 steps of grief.

Keep researching for assistance for care for your daughter. There are often new programs and workshops available. Just because there isn't one right now doesn't mean there won't be any in the future.

Don't feel your case is any less deserving just because your daughter isn't terminally ill or other.

I also work in healthcare and I know how frustrating it can be for a full time carer.

I wish you all the best! You deserve it!

[Wiseman2]

Try keeping it about your daughter only. Get on some dating apps and start browsing. Begin messaging and meeting men so you can move forward rather than backsliding to sex-with-the-ex. Unfortunately that stirs up feelings and will leave you empty.

It is now 5 months since we separated. NC is not an option as we have a child. A few weeks ago I propositioned my ex, just to see if he would, I needed intimacy, it did happen.

[Movingforward3]

None of us here judge you. After a 26 Year relationship, I can only imagine how difficult it must be not being with the other person. So, you can give yourself a pass on the ex sex. It's just being human.

What I want you to do now is think differently. Think about what you have accomplished in a short time. You are on your own with your own home. That's a big deal and a great way to remove triggers and memories. I would never allow ex to come over to the house for any great extent, so you can create new patterns and break the old ones.

You definitely need to get yourself out there and date. Keep ex contact to minimum you need for your daughter. That's the only thing you need to discuss. The rest is just noise.

Breakups suck. I know. I can only tell you what worked for me: eat right and exercise, keep busy and work lots, get hobbies, be with friends and family, get rid of all mementos and triggers all new at new home, be selfish with your heart and do what you want. And view this as an opportunity. New and better things ahead! The future is bright and the past is where it is!