Why does it feel so bad?

[Playing nice]

I guess I should begin with a background to my breakup. It is now 4 months since we parted, after 25 years, but almost a year since the decision was made. Nothing happened other than I had felt miserable for quite some time, I was the one that said I don't want to do this anymore and he agreed He had also been unhappy I felt an overwhelming sense of relief, we did have some nasty arguments as we both stayed in our home for 7 months during the selling process I just focused on each step, selling the house, packing, buying a new home and moving I didn't think much beyond that. After moving I kept busy working and getting my home together we had very little contact and he seemed quite dismissive of me, we have a daughter that we have tried to stay amicable for, so NC is difficult.

Six weeks ago I seen posts that he had been tagged in on FB and realised he was 'seeing' someone else and I felt devastated I was consumed by the thought it took over every vacant minute. I realised how much I miss him, not our life together, but him and our sex life. I felt like I was nothing. I wanted to feel like I mattered to him so 2 weeks ago I started texting him trying to tempt him to come see me. I wanted to see if I could, he was reluctant to begin with but I said it was just a bit of fun for 2 people who had moved on, and it worked we had fantastic sex and I didn't regret it I seen it as a great 'last time' . Then last week he said it wouldn't be happening again as he has been getting friendly with someone on the phone and will be meeting soon I wished him luck and hoped it worked out for him, but it did happen again and he instigated it he sent me an email said I was still hot that he would have continued with our 'fun' if it wasn't for this other girl anyway one thing led to another and we had another meeting. I told a friend who said she had seen him on a dating site for past 2 months looking for someone 30-51 years old (I am older) and he has a daughter from a previous relationship who is 30 and that has floored me I'm not ready for him to be with someone else.

I know I need to keep contact to the minimum I know I need to move on I know I don't want him back but I'm not ready and I feel broken like a piece of me has been ripped out why? When this was what I wanted when will it stop feeling so bad

[Man with Dog]

You feel bad because break-ups are like that. Even if it is toxic, even being in a dysfunctional relationship gives you a companionship that you don't get being alone. 25 years is also a very long time. Being a bloke, I can also tell you that, following a split, we will often tend towards a younger woman. We don't do this to make our ex jealous, it just happens that way. I also dated older women as well when my first marriage broke up but I just seemed to bond more easily with girls somewhat younger. Maybe it made me feel rejuvenated. I was also very pleasantly surprised at how open girls can be to age-gap relationships.

 

One thing I could NEVER do, if I was single again is date anyone close to my daughter's age. The thought of it just feels gross.

 

Incidentally, I had my daughter with my 2nd wife and not my first.

 

To help you, I can say it will feel better in time and the majority of people find someone else and the majority of the rest find something else in life. It is only a small minority who never get past a break-up at all.

[Wiseman2]

Sex with the ex can be tempting during lonely times, but it gets too complicated. If you miss sex and companionship you may want to consider setting up a profile and browsing dating apps. Then when you are ready, start messaging and meeting people. Keep the focus on moving forward, not backsliding.

It is now 4 months since we parted, after 25 years.I was the one that said I don't want to do this anymore and he agreed. we have a daughter that we have tried to stay amicable for, so NC is difficult. 2 weeks ago I started texting him trying to tempt him to come see me. it worked we had fantastic sex and I didn't regret it. Then last week he said it wouldn't be happening again.

[Man with Dog]

As someone who has only had casual sex twice, I found I really missed in while not in a relationship. I guess with all the online stuff and greater acceptance, it's easier these days.

[SooSad33]

Why does it feel bad? Because to you it IS still a 'loss'. He was part of your Life and now he isn't.

it's like a 'shock' to your system.

 

As mentioned... 25 years.. is a long time.

 

I suggest you do NOT look for a friend with benefit type relation at this time of your life. I feel it'll just mess you up more.

 

Just because your Ex is now 'involved' does not mean you should be as well. NEVER compare.

We go at our own pace. And I feel You are FAR from ready to move on yet....

 

I suggest you spend a good year or more, 'dealing' with all of this and working on YOU.

Work on accepting the end of your relationship/ healing/ moving on. Which takes time.. 1 year+.

 

We all need to take time to get ourselves back to good again. Emotionally & mentally.

If you're not then you have nothing to give to the next person you are involved with. And so often it is the woman who becomes more 'emotionally invested'. Therfore it ends up YOU will be that much hurt.. again.

 

So, for now.. work on you. Work on accepting all that has happened and work on getting yourself better again.

It is okay to mourn this loss. Grieving and working on accepting is necessary. Maybe you need some prof help.. therapy?

I needed that after my 5 yr relationship ended.

 

 

One day at a time... tc.

[Playing nice]

Thank you it helped to have a 'blokes' opinion I know I just have to give it time

[Playing nice]

Thank you sosad33 I am not ready or anywhere near ready to move on I think it's time to look after me and therapy is something I had thought about and have now booked an appointment thank you