Don't Want More Wounds..Razors of Pain..Feeling Alone

[romantic sweetheart]

This past year has been the hardest of my life. I feel like the world is judging me, almost condemning me. I feel I am all wrong for the world. Sometimes even the responses here make me feel worried about myself, that I am too this or that....and that I destroy everything I touch.

 

I have never had as much intense pain as I have experienced this year. There have been nights when I have thought so strongly about suicide that I started shaking and crying uncontrollably. I have gone to counsellors, doctors, am on medication, but it seems like my soul is crying out...and that no pills or doctors can tend to what is going on with me...on a soul-level.

 

What it is seems so simple...to love and give love. I try to practise this daily. I wake up and send out love and blessings to everyone that has mattered to me. At work, I try to look at everyone and send them a blessing. I think about many things during my day....I long for the pain to cease...but it seems like such a part of my soul now.

 

My chest hurts so much at night...I have never felt this way before, but the pain has caused my chest to constrict, and it hurts to breathe.

 

I feel so warmly toward people, and I believe in romance, passion, love, honour, dignity....I love beautiful poems, art....I appreciate kind words...sometimes when a customer smiles at me or compliments me, I feel so grateful....this kind gesture means so much to me.

 

But at home I feel so lonely....the apartment is so silent.......It seems I am so careful with people, not to hurt them or come on too strong...I am careful to be myself, to show my appreciation and love. I just pick the wrong ones...the ones that hurt me.

 

I am mostly frightened that there will be no healing for me. I try to think positive daily, and I love to help others here on the forum. I am just not sure if my pain will ease in my life.....if there will be a miracle of healing for me. I would love to remember what it feels like to feel light again........

 

I just needed to write this....If anyone can understand and write back....thank you.....

[nexus532]

Maybe you should try to get a pet, like a cat or dog. If your apartment doesn't allow you to have a small animal perhaps you should move to a different location. It seems to me that the only thing that your missing is partnership. I know in a sense what your feeling, im going through college, when i come home the house is usually dark and quite, my roomates are usually studing ect. I think of how my cat and puppy are doing and can't wait to the moment where i can hold them again. If you need any more info feel free to e-mail. I have many more thoughts about this but there are so many more post to reply to. You are a good person and don't let anything get you down.

[Wraith]

First of all you do not need a relationship.

 

If you can't be stable, calm, peaceful on your own then you wont be able to with a partner.

 

Secondly -

 

I am mostly frightened that there will be no healing for me...

 

I try to think positive daily, and I love to help others here on the forum. I am just not sure if my pain will ease in my life.....if there will be a miracle of healing for me. I would love to remember what it feels like to feel light again........

 

What's this healing you're looking for? Is it something spirirtual, religious?

 

You seem to be expressing some sort of desire for karmic justice - "I am a good loving person and the 'universe' will reward me with the same because of it".

 

What are your beliefs?

 

I wake up and send out love and blessings to everyone that has mattered to me. At work, I try to look at everyone and send them a blessing. I think about many things during my day....

 

Do you believe you are psychic or in possession of esoteric powers?

 

I ask because I'm perplexed by thse 'sending' comments.

 

In reality (in my opinion) you're training you're brain/mind to see everyone as your friend. You'd be better to actually physically go and help or love these people so your mind gains back from these people the satisfaction of a 'thank you' or 'you're so kind' or perhaps a friendly conversation.

 

What I'm trying to say is to receieve 'love' back from these people they must first feel they have received it - they aren't telepathic. Your sub-conscious doesn't recognise the difference between you mentally projecting nice thoughts at people and physically walking up and talking kindly to them. Because it can't see the difference it still hurts when it doesn't feel those kind thoughts reciprocated.

 

I personally think you could do with becoming angry.

 

Negativity seems to manifest in you as depression but instead I feel you'd benefit from a good screaming, a good rage fueled battering of a punch bag - anything. Anger is natural you seem to have purged yourself of it and repressed it probably because you see it as 'evil' - it isn't.

 

You may feel very uncomfortable expressing anger especially considering how you've trained your mind but that resistance is exactly what I'm talking about, and is exactly the 'wall' you're going to have to tear down.

[sonjam]

Wraith, it's been such a long time since ive seen such insight into a post. And you are such a young soul at that! Good for you!

 

romantic sweetheart, i agree with this post. You have to find the happiness in you, like that song says, feel the rain on your skin, no one else can feel it for you, only you can let it in.

 

[Wraith]

Wraith, it's been such a long time since ive seen such insight into a post. And you are such a young soul at that! Good for you!

 

That's kind of you Sonjam thank you.

[Mun]

Hey girl,

I know you have been through alot this year and things haven't turned out the way you wanted, but don't give up. You have much beauty in your soul for it to go unnoticed. You have just made bad choices and believe me.... we have all done that.

 

I'm afraid you are now running on empty.

Before you can give love and help to others you must first take care of YOUR own needs. You have a good heart and you're a sweet person, but if you constantly give and give you will feel depleted. Give to yourself first. Take care of what you need.

 

Set some boundaries for yourself. If someone is hurting you then step back from that person. If friends or family expect things from you and you want to give but are too tired or emotionally drained--tell them to come back tomorrow .

 

When you treat yourself well you are less likely to put up with mistreatment...or you recognize it quicker and get out of there. It's kind of weird, but it's as if you increase your self esteem and self worth just by treating yourself as a special person....and you have beautiful things to say about yourself so that shouldn't be too hard right?

 

You'll see that when your love for yourself increases, your attraction toward certain kind of men changes...all of a sudden you stop kissing so many frogs

 

Love

[Alabama]

It can truly be hard to accept that after all the love you give in the world, there seems like there is no one who can give it back...but there is. I thought this way many times several months ago, but I soon realized that I have friends and family and am very happy because of that. Don't let your loniless destroy you, for you alone can save yourself. You have friends and family right? They love you I'm sure and you don't have to worry about finding the one you love. Because you've already found them...family and friends. Don't worry, you're not alone. Good luck!