The Ups and Downs of Loving a Commitment-Phobe

[lostlove76]

I think you don't want therapy and don't want to stop stalking his social media because if you did either of those things you'd have to admit that the relationship (such as it was at the end) is truly over.

 

As long as you hold on to some hope that he will end things with his Woman of the Week and call you, you can convince yourself that you two are still "together" and that all that has transpired in the past 4 months is just a bump in the road.

 

Thing is, you are the only one currently in this "relationship". He walked away over a year ago when he decided to move away and refused (and yes, he refused) to come get you so you two could truly be together. The phone calls served some purpose for him (and didn't he ONLY call you when he was drinking??), but it never was going to be more than that.

 

But here you are, still hanging on, hoping he "realizes".

 

I know I mentioned this umpteen times before...but how long are you willing to sit in front of your laptop with your phone in your hand, hoping he "realizes"? Have you decided that you will stay in this "relationship" by yourself forever?

 

And yes, I can guarantee you will never meet anyone that makes you feel "close" to what he did...simply because you refuse to move on. If you choose to have a better life for yourself you could make it happen. But for some reason, you'd rather keep things as they are. And I can promise that you will never meet someone unless you decide to make changes.

 

Can you make those changes to give yourself a chance at happiness? Or would you rather hang on to someone who let you go a long time ago?

 

I'm up late and wide awake, so thought I would write a little. I don't feel nearly as awful as I did the other night when I wrote. It seems I have a really bad day about once or twice a week, and the other days are much more bearable. I hate to admit this, because I know you'll all tell me to just quit looking, but the reason for the last bad day was seeing him add her back on fb.

 

I'm quoting your whole post, bolt, because everything you said hits the nail right on the head. You're right, I'm just not ready to let go. The only thing I'm still hanging on to is all in my head, given that the relationship is long since over. It creates some illusion that we still have a connection. I can see that, very clearly, when it's pointed out to me or when I take the time to acknowledge it on my own. It seems really sad and pathetic, but I can't afford to beat myself up over it right now. I'm trying not to judge myself about where I am, because that will just bring me further down, and I certainly don't need that.

 

Maybe I'm naive or overly idealistic, but it's just so hard for me to understand how someone can say things they don't mean - not just once, but a thousand times, and sound sincere every time. It's hard for me to understand how someone can be so incredibly selfish that they simply don't care how much they hurt and betray someone. I'm talking about everything he did to me, of course, but I'm also really hung up on how horrible this woman is, and why he thinks it's okay to be with someone like that? They're having an affair on her husband, and neither seems to care. It doesn't make sense to me at all. I HATE her with my whole being (yes, I know I'm way too focused on what she's doing). And I hate him for wanting to be with her. I could vent for pages about how I feel about that, but I'll stop there.

 

So back to not wanting to let go of him and what we had, and the hopes of having it again. I don't know how not to want it. When things were good, they were better than anything I've ever felt in my life, and I really don't believe I'll ever feel that way with anyone else again. Life seems very drab without love. I've always been this way - I place a higher value on romantic love than anything else in life.

 

Anyways, just wanted to get some of that out. Like I said, I'm wide awake, so I may write some more in a little bit.