The Ups and Downs of Loving a Commitment-Phobe

[lostlove76]

Yep. And, five days of not looking at his FB is NOT enough time.

 

I think you're right, LL, that if your outlook was brighter, you'd make different choices. I truly believe, based on my reading of this thread, that you suffer from clinical depression that, at this point, can only be helped with therapy and medication. I know you've tried it in the past, but you owe it to yourself to try it again. A good doctor can assess what has NOT worked for you in the past (particularly medication-wise) and can work with you on something that WILL work. It may mean trying a few different meds, but if you had high blood pressure, or diabetes, or migraines, you'd try different things until you found one that worked, right?

 

I'm going to drop all the hesitations and just go to counseling. My mom said she would look into it tonight. I'm sure I should be looking into it myself, but since I'm having a hard time getting motivated, and she offered and is willing, I'm just going to let her. Meds did help in the past in a lot of ways, and in some ways really not much. But I guess some is better than none. I would prefer to get back on the one that I know doesn't give me any problems, which was Zoloft. I had a horrible experience with Effexor a long time ago, so I have no desire to try anything other than what I know won't make things worse. So I'll start with counseling, and then probably go get some Zoloft as well.

 

I think like we talked about before, this has turned into clinical depression. I certainly have had issues my whole life, and have struggled with anxiety for much of it, but I can feel a huge difference in level of depresssion between right now (and over the past couple of years dealing with this relationship) versus how I felt before I even met him. It's a pretty distinct difference. I had my moments at various times, certainly, but it didn't persist like this is. So I really do believe that the relationship/breakup has caused this, and it has turned from situational into clinical.

[lostlove76]

one of my ex who I only dated for 3 months, took me a year to get over, because I had high hopes for that relationship.

 

It wasn't until I met my next love interest that I felt I was totally emotionally over that ex.

 

See, this is what I'm afraid of. I'm afraid it's going to take finding someone else who I love, or at least feel an interest in, before I'll totally be past this... no matter what else may happen in the meantime. There was a time or two years ago when I moved from one "potential" (really liked the guy, started dating, and then he bailed on me) to the next, and I didn't get over the previous one until I became interested in the new one. And then it was like bam, totally over the last one. That's a little different, because those were very short-lived things, but it was amazing that the next guy made me completely forget about the last one. And I think if I met a guy right now who I really liked and connected with and the feeling was mutual, I think I would pretty quickly get over my current ex. It would have to be a feeling of equal interest to what I had with him, and a real connection, not just some random thing. And that's just not going to happen right now, unfortunately.

 

we had no contact for 6 months then he messaged me to say he hadn't come to terms with the fact that he lost me and he knew he f***ed up and really wanted another chance.

And this would be my dream scenario. It may be that I would react as you did, still caring but unable to give things another chance, because after everything that happened I would have a hard time trusting him. But I would love to at least have the option. If he moved back here and really showed commitment, I would give it a try for sure. That's not going to happen. But I'm finding it hard to let go of that wish that it would.

[lostlove76]

Just remember, LL, no one can help you if you refuse to help yourself.

 

I know. And I know I've put it all off, but maybe going to therapy will be the kick I need to get started on what I know I need to do.

[boltnrun]

Point taken, and agreed. I guess it was unrealistic to hope I would just "forget" about him with the passing of time. Maybe if I had more going on, then I would have. But not under these circumstances.

 

But how are you supposed to "forget" about him if you insist on looking at his Facebook multiple times a day?

 

I do hope you not only find a therapist, but book and keep an appointment. And then another appointment. Don't expect that you can go one time and magically "forget" about him. It's like a fitness program...you can't just attend one aerobics class or workout at the gym one time and expect to have a fit body.

[lostlove76]

But how are you supposed to "forget" about him if you insist on looking at his Facebook multiple times a day?

 

I do hope you not only find a therapist, but book and keep an appointment. And then another appointment. Don't expect that you can go one time and magically "forget" about him. It's like a fitness program...you can't just attend one aerobics class or workout at the gym one time and expect to have a fit body.

 

No, I plan on making it a regular thing. Getting started is the hard part (for me, with everything I do!!), but once I (finally) start something, I'm good. I know that it will take at least 2 or more appointments to even explain the situation, so no real benefit can come until I've been going every week for a while.

[notalady]

See, this is what I'm afraid of. I'm afraid it's going to take finding someone else who I love, or at least feel an interest in, before I'll totally be past this... no matter what else may happen in the meantime. There was a time or two years ago when I moved from one "potential" (really liked the guy, started dating, and then he bailed on me) to the next, and I didn't get over the previous one until I became interested in the new one. And then it was like bam, totally over the last one. That's a little different, because those were very short-lived things, but it was amazing that the next guy made me completely forget about the last one. And I think if I met a guy right now who I really liked and connected with and the feeling was mutual, I think I would pretty quickly get over my current ex. It would have to be a feeling of equal interest to what I had with him, and a real connection, not just some random thing. And that's just not going to happen right now, unfortunately.

 

That is not something to be afraid of nor to rely on to get over someone. It's only natural human reaction when someone piques our interest, our mind turns to focus on that person. That doesn't mean that it was only the new love interest that made you get over the last person.

 

My mind likes to have someone there to occupy the space, it might run through random memories and scenarios. So that's often the ex if I don't have a current love interest. I don't read into it as I'm not over them, I just accept that that's just how my mind works, so I let it come and go. That's also why I like to keep occupied when I broke up (with an appropriate amount of alone time mixed in so I can grief), so that I'm not just sitting there letting my mind take control.

 

Our minds need distraction and as time goes on with all the distraction, memories fade and feelings fade. Then someone else comes along and piques your interest and your mind turns to focus on them instead. Doesn't mean that's the reason why I got over an ex.

[lostlove76]

I feel like I need to make (yet another) quick list of all the bad things about him and the relationship in order to knock this illusion out of my head/heart that he's the greatest thing since sliced bread. Just doing this to give myself some perspective in the moment, so here goes, will try to keep it on the short side:

 

Whole relationship was on/off

Every time things felt close and amazing, he pulled back

Kept me compartmentalized from other parts of his life

Wouldn't call for days, for no reason

Wouldn't respond to texts - all communication was on his terms

History of being a cheater in every relationship

Never felt secure

Moved and left me when things were feeling good and in love

Saw other women throughout the two years during every "off" period

Caused an enormous amount of worry, anxiety, uncertainty, sadness

False promises, led me on with future talk

Felt betrayed over and over again

He obviously has no morals or standards to be with trashy married woman

Haven't even seen him in person in almost a year

Wouldn't really be happy where he lives - too crowded, would feel insecure and out of place, couldn't keep up with his drinking lifestyle without feeling like crap every day, wouldn't get enough sleep, would be away from family/support, would have anxiety, would feel unwanted, probably couldn't find a job, would always be worried he was cheating, couldn't pick up and come home easily

 

That's probably only 75% of it, but it's enough. Just need to convince myself that he was not going to change, and that the good qualities don't make up for all the horrible. Also need to convince myself that it wasn't my fault, because he's always done these things to everyone in his life.

[lostlove76]

That is not something to be afraid of nor to rely on to get over someone. It's only natural human reaction when someone piques our interest, our mind turns to focus on that person. That doesn't mean that it was only the new love interest that made you get over the last person.

 

My mind likes to have someone there to occupy the space, it might run through random memories and scenarios. So that's often the ex if I don't have a current love interest. I don't read into it as I'm not over them, I just accept that that's just how my mind works, so I let it come and go. That's also why I like to keep occupied when I broke up (with an appropriate amount of alone time mixed in so I can grief), so that I'm not just sitting there letting my mind take control.

 

Our minds need distraction and as time goes on with all the distraction, memories fade and feelings fade. Then someone else comes along and piques your interest and your mind turns to focus on them instead. Doesn't mean that's the reason why I got over an ex.

 

Makes sense, thank you. You're right about the mind needing someone (or maybe just something) to focus on. He left this big huge emotional void, and there is no one to replace it. Doing piddly things and trying to enjoy them may help a teeny tiny bit, but it's not going to fill the huge void.

 

Looking at it from the opposite side, him finding HER helped him move on and cease caring or thinking about me. If she hadn't come along, I don't think he would have let go so fast, because he was attached. But here she comes, with her hotness and excitement, and he suddenly had someone to fill the void left when he and I quit talking. So really, any illusion that he would still be thinking of me after all this time is just that... an illusion. I'm sure I'm the farthest thing from his mind.

[lostlove76]

Hi everyone. It's been awhile. I hope you're all doing well. I'm feeling pretty down and lonely, so I thought I would stop in for an update. I wish I had something more positive to report, but everything still hurts just as much as it did 5 months ago when it ended. I still think about him every single day. I'm still tortured with thoughts and questions about why he did what he did. I still miss him all the time. I still keep tabs on what he's up to via facebook. (He ended things with trashy girl a month and a half ago and she went back home to her husband. But just last night, they added each other back as fb friends). I'm still filled with anger at the way he betrayed me. I still wish he would realize what he lost and call me. There doesn't seem to be any end in sight to these painful emotions.

 

I've been working more, part-time, at a job I should enjoy. I've saved over half of your suggested amount ($) to save, Annie, which feels good. But I'm really just going through the motions every day, with zero enjoyment or excitement. I just feel so lonely, and family and friends don't fill the space of that one true love. I still feel like he was "the one," and no one will ever even come close to comparing. I don't want anyone else. So I just foresee remaining alone indefinitely, and always feeling this emptiness. Meanwhile, he moved on immediately, long ago, like I never meant anything to him at all. I can't even begin to explain how deeply that hurts.

 

Sorry for such a downer post. It's just how I'm feeling, and I wanted to update. I hope things are going well for you guys. Thanks again for being here for me and getting me through the worst of it a few months ago. Hugs.

[ThatwasThen]

Google "Limerence" and read the Wiki link to it. Maybe if you know what you have, you'll be able to over come it.

[lostlove76]

Google "Limerence" and read the Wiki link to it. Maybe if you know what you have, you'll be able to over come it.

 

Just googled and it sounds right - I'll read more on it later - but can genuine love and togetherness turn into limerance after a breakup? Because it didn't always fit that definition, and to say that it did just minimizes what we had (and is inaccurate anyhow).

[annie24]

First of all, congrats on being half way on your financial goal! That is really great. Try try try to stop going to his page. It just makes it harder to move on when you're checking up on him and seeing what he's up to. It's really difficult to move on if you have to get these updates. Hang in there.

[lostlove76]

First of all, congrats on being half way on your financial goal! That is really great. Try try try to stop going to his page. It just makes it harder to move on when you're checking up on him and seeing what he's up to. It's really difficult to move on if you have to get these updates. Hang in there.

 

Thank you Annie

[reinventmyself]

Hi LL

 

Sorry to hear you haven't made much of an improvement. It does sound like work and finances are going well, so this is good.

 

I just have to ask you and I am sorry if I sound like a broken record. Why are you still not in therapy?

 

Especially in light of all this time and doing the same thing over and over and not getting any results.

 

It is way past the point that if you want something to change, you need to do something differently.

It goes without saying that you aren't getting anywhere doing it on your own.

 

I would be sick and tired of feeling sick and tired by now. . . better yet, a long time ago.

[lostlove76]

Hi LL

 

Sorry to hear you haven't made much of an improvement. It does sound like work and finances are going well, so this is good.

 

I just have to ask you and I am sorry if I sound like a broken record. Why are you still not in therapy?

 

Especially in light of all this time and doing the same thing over and over and not getting any results.

 

It is way past the point that if you want something to change, you need to do something differently.

It goes without saying that you aren't getting anywhere doing it on your own.

 

I would be sick and tired of feeling sick and tired by now. . . better yet, a long time ago.

 

Hi reinvent. I'm still planning on it, I just haven't gotten around to it yet. It seems like there's always something going on, and I have a hard time handling more than one thing at a time. I just got through a busy period, and now the holidays are coming up. But I'll get there.

 

However, I do wonder what a therapist is going to be able to do for me. She can't cure my sadness. She can't bring him back. She can't make me stop missing him. She can't say anything that you guys haven't already said, or anything that I haven't read about. So I'm just wondering in what way it will actually benefit me?

[ThatwasThen]

Just googled and it sounds right - I'll read more on it later - but can genuine love and togetherness turn into limerance after a breakup? Because it didn't always fit that definition, and to say that it did just minimizes what we had (and is inaccurate anyhow).

 

Yes it can materialize after a breakup ... that's usually when it does happen because you are focusing on your "limerent object" who is not reciprocating your obsession.

What you had was less then what you have objectified it to be. Sadly, that is the truth. Now, having said that, I'm sorry that you're not doing the mental work you NEED to do to get yourself past this limerence, past obsessing over your limerent object (your ex) and you've yet to accept that you're better off without him. You're still in denial.

 

Have you had any therapy, LL? I can't remember if you said you were... Nix that, I just read that you're not.

 

... A therapist will help you out of your limerence, get you out of your denial, help you heal, help you realize you deserve better then what you settled for with him. He/She will hopefully also help you to stop idolizing him and accept that its over so that you stop hoping he calls you, then you can heal and move on.

[reinventmyself]

Hi reinvent. I'm still planning on it, I just haven't gotten around to it yet. It seems like there's always something going on, and I have a hard time handling more than one thing at a time. I just got through a busy period, and now the holidays are coming up. But I'll get there.

 

However, I do wonder what a therapist is going to be able to do for me. She can't cure my sadness. She can't bring him back. She can't make me stop missing him. She can't say anything that you guys haven't already said, or anything that I haven't read about. So I'm just wondering in what way it will actually benefit me?

 

If you recall, I went back to my therapist at the end of my last relationship and he helped tremendously. He was able to help me understand why I did the things I did and what the motivations were behind it. As well as share his theories on my ex's responsibility and ultimately why we ended up together and then came apart.

With that, I take some valuable information about myself that I can use in my next relationship.

 

No, it doesn't make the sadness go away.

 

It does give you a healthy perspective on things and when you start to see things differently you begin to feel differently about it as well.

 

It also helps to make sense of what seems senseless when you are experiencing grief.

 

At this point and considering everything you have shared, it's obvious there is much more going on for you than a simple breakup.

The fact that you are still stuck in the same place you've been for months suggests this has very little to with him anymore.

[ThatwasThen]

If you recall, I went back to my therapist at the end of my last relationship and he helped tremendously. He was able to help me understand why I did the things I did and what the motivations were behind it. As well as share his theories on my ex's responsibility and ultimately why we ended up together and then came apart.

With that, I take some valuable information about myself that I can use in my next relationship.

 

No, it doesn't make the sadness go away.

 

It does give you a healthy perspective on things and when you start to see things differently you begin to feel differently about it as well.

 

It also helps to make sense of what seems senseless when you are experiencing grief.

 

At this point and considering everything you have shared, it's obvious there is much more going on for you than a simple breakup.

The fact that you are still stuck in the same place you've been for months suggests this has very little to with him anymore.

I give this post two thumbs up!

[boltnrun]

I think you don't want therapy and don't want to stop stalking his social media because if you did either of those things you'd have to admit that the relationship (such as it was at the end) is truly over.

 

As long as you hold on to some hope that he will end things with his Woman of the Week and call you, you can convince yourself that you two are still "together" and that all that has transpired in the past 4 months is just a bump in the road.

 

Thing is, you are the only one currently in this "relationship". He walked away over a year ago when he decided to move away and refused (and yes, he refused) to come get you so you two could truly be together. The phone calls served some purpose for him (and didn't he ONLY call you when he was drinking??), but it never was going to be more than that.

 

But here you are, still hanging on, hoping he "realizes".

 

I know I mentioned this umpteen times before...but how long are you willing to sit in front of your laptop with your phone in your hand, hoping he "realizes"? Have you decided that you will stay in this "relationship" by yourself forever?

 

And yes, I can guarantee you will never meet anyone that makes you feel "close" to what he did...simply because you refuse to move on. If you choose to have a better life for yourself you could make it happen. But for some reason, you'd rather keep things as they are. And I can promise that you will never meet someone unless you decide to make changes.

 

Can you make those changes to give yourself a chance at happiness? Or would you rather hang on to someone who let you go a long time ago?

[lostlove76]

Thanks for the responses, guys, I appreciate it. I'll think about it all and reply in a little while. Right now I'm just sad, and not really in the *do something different* mode. It all just hurts so much. I guess it's like when you've been hit by a truck (which is what this feels like), you certainly don't feel like getting up and going for a jog. I'll reply more later, thanks again.

[ThatwasThen]

Do yourself a favor and put a halt to making your pain your best friend.

[reinventmyself]

Thanks for the responses, guys, I appreciate it. I'll think about it all and reply in a little while. Right now I'm just sad, and not really in the *do something different* mode. It all just hurts so much. I guess it's like when you've been hit by a truck (which is what this feels like), you certainly don't feel like getting up and going for a jog. I'll reply more later, thanks again.

 

Surrendering and raising your hand to say "please help me" doesn't compare to getting up and jogging.

[lostlove76]

I was reading a couple of threads where a bunch of people left comments about being past the 5-month mark and still feeling just like I'm feeling. So I really don't think anything is "wrong" with me for still feeling this way. Some people get more attached than others, and I'm one of those unfortunate ones. It sucks. Life would be so much easier right now if I could just brush it off my shoulders and happily move on like he did, but I haven't been able to. I will talk to my mom about therapy, again.

 

I just want the good times back, with him. I haven't forgotten everything that was awful, but the good was better than anything I've ever experienced, and I want it back. I miss it. And I've accepted that I can't have it back, because he hasn't called and isn't going to. So I'm now just trying to figure out how to cope with this giant hole in my heart. I don't know how not to want him back. I've told myself 10 million times why I shouldn't want him back (and the list is long)... but it doesn't work. Every single time I miss him, I remind myself why it wouldn't work anyways, and how horrible he was to me, and how horrible of a person he is to be involved with a married woman. And it just does not work. I can't convince myself, no matter how hard I try.

[LAYAAN]

Hello LL,

Do not give up hope. Do not give up efforts. The journey to full recovery is not always linear. It is like losing weight. Take small steps and once you have mastered a baby step, don't go back to it.

You have to do it for yourself.

[lostlove76]

Thank you Layaan