The Ups and Downs of Loving a Commitment-Phobe

[lostlove76]

I agree. I think it would backfire if I start looking for work right now, because it's going to cause a lot of additional anxiety on top of what I've already been feeling. I need to be in a better place mentally and emotionally before I can handle that. But you and Annie are right, I need to be open to the idea that maybe it won't be a completely miserable experience at some point in the future. I worry that even with working full time, I'll never be able to support myself financially in the future. But I guess I'll get to that when it comes; it's too overwhelming to think about that right now.

 

I was doing some part time work at this one place a couple months back, for a few months, and I would have really enjoyed it if I wasn't in such a depressed and anxious state over him and then the breakup. Except for being a 30 minute drive, it could have been perfect for me. It wasn't consistent, just when he needed extra help, but still. I don't know if he'll be calling me back, because I was having a lot of anxiety while out there one day and had to tell him that I was, because I needed to sit down for a few, felt like I was going to hyperventilate. So embarrassing. And it was all because I was so stressed out over the breakup. If not for that, I would have been fine. So I need to at least get past this period of time before I attempt (and ruin) any other opportunities.

 

I'm feeling better today, as I was yesterday. But I know I'm not in the clear, because the day before that was so horrible. It comes and goes, but maybe the number of horrible days are diminishing and will be spaced further apart.

[boltnrun]

You know, LL, you remind me a bit of my mother in law.

 

She always talked about wanting to lose weight and would ask me for pointers on how to lose weight and keep it off (since I had successfully lost the few pounds I'd gained from having my babies). So, I told her she would need to exercise several times a week, perhaps walking, for about an hour. And I told her she would need to eat healthier and cut out fattening foods such as pizza, cheeseburgers, bacon, donuts, etc. And she responded "but I LIKE those things! I don't want to give them up!!" And I tried to politely explain that if she ate those things it would make it difficult for her to lose the weight. And she said "Well, I don't want to give up eating the things I love. I love cheese and bacon and donuts!" And then she'd continue to complain about being overweight and having to buy new clothes because nothing fit anymore. Then she decided to just wear muumuus all the time so she'd always have something to wear no matter how big she got. Then she'd ask for more pointers on losing weight and being fit!

 

I think you're a bit like her...you've been given lots of excellent advice from many people about how to move on from this breakup. You usually agree that the advice is excellent, but then you give so many "reasons" why you can't do this or that, or why you're just "not ready" to try any of the very good suggestions you've been given. You don't want to stop looking at Facebook and the dating site and you don't want to try going out anywhere, even if it's just to a coffee house to relax, and you don't want to see a therapist and you don't want to go back on medication and you don't want to try to get a little part time job and you don't want to try to explore ways to make your anxiety manageable so that you COULD try any of the suggestions.

 

And I think it's because you don't really want to move on.

 

Whether it's because focusing on this man and this woman keeps you from having to deal with your anxiety, or if you just aren't willing to give up this belief that you and he still have a "connection", or if you still wish and hope that he'll suddenly call, come get you, and the "good times" will magically come back without any of the issues you had with him...for whatever reason you don't seem to want to try anything that might help you move on.

 

And that's fine...it's your life and your choice.

 

I think it's sad, because you're so young and you could do so many wonderful things, but you are choosing to stay stuck to this man instead.

 

I think the phrase "God helps those who help themselves" applies in this situation. We're obviously not God (lol), but we can't help you if you don't really want help.

 

If you want this journal to be a place where you vent without anyone giving opinions or advice, that's fine. It's entirely your choice, and I will respect your wishes.

[lostlove76]

Hey bolt. I don't mean to frustrate you, or anyone else. I admit that I have a horrible habit of, well, everything you described. Making excuses, coming up with reasons. I frustrate myself with it too. It gets old, I know. I'm half here to vent and half to gather advice, suggestions, ideas, and information. I'm storing ALL of it in my head, and will use it when the time is right. But I understand if people are getting tired of not seeing any progress. Not sure what else to say

[Realitynut]

Listen LL....I cried for every damn day for 4 months after my ex fiancé broke up with me.

 

Haven't been able to keep away from ASSSSSHOOOOLE Tom for over 2 years! Why in the world would I stay with a guy who after the first time makes love to you....freaks out and says...Don't call or text tomorrow! And then goes and does the hot/cold thing for 2 years...including seeing a girl (no sex) for a few months at the beginning....and just this spring...saw a girl for a couple of months...including sex....with her....and me...intermittently.

 

When I read about that intermittent reinforcement a few months ago...it certainly struck a cord.

Like I said....2 months was the worst for me. After my ex fiancé and I broke up. ugh...depression. I made a journal here on the day we were to be married. It was another 'move on' thing to do.

 

I've never got past NOT seeing tom for a month. ugh.

 

Once I told you to make a 'to do' list. Whether it's to go for a walk. Clean your bedroom. Don't look at his fb (or hers) for ONE day. etc. Then at the end of the day....cross off what you accomplished.

 

I still have my....."It's been six months since Dan ended things with me. Today is the beginning of my new life. This month I will: "

 

I just went in and looked at it. lol. A lot of it was paying bills. Making phone calls I should have been making and wasn't. I saw that I had MOST of the items crossed off.

 

That was back in 2011. I have it there as a reminder. Just move forward.....an inch at a time.

 

Why does your mom have to make the appointment for a therapist? Why can't you? You have the phone in your hands all the time!!!! lol

 

When I went thru that terrible depression....the person I was seeing said she was surprised I came. I said if I hadn't a weekly appointment...I wouldn't. But I keep my commitments! (That is why I don't Make Many!!!!! lol)

 

But just for me....why don't you go for a walk. Have a smoke. You need to probably smoke in this stressful time...but some day quit. Just think of all that money you'll save! Today I drove an hour and a half out of town to a large state park...for a walk. Funny...last time I was there was this spring, when Tom was seeing Becky. I always go there during a breakup...and then WISH they were there. But in reality....we'd probably been fighting by the time we got there. eh....depends on if he was in the hot mode, or the cold mode.

 

But walk. And then LOOK UP SOME THERAPISTS. Just get names and numbers jotted down. You don't have to call. Mine was on a sliding scale $$ wise...and only had to pay 10 bucks a visit. Not that she did me much good....but I did get to sit and cry for an hour!!!! lol

 

The other thing is get out that book about the Avoidant man and the fallback girl. I know you didn't like it before...because the truth hurts. But give it another try. You will see yourself.....OVER and OVER.

 

Another thing I would do....is self talk on your anxiety about driving. Why would one day you could drive a few blocks...then another you can't? Why don't you take a few deep breaths, give yourself a pep talk...and drive to a close store...every day. Sorta like a marathon runner....they don't just start out running marathons...they start off slow.

 

So drive a mile every day....or two. Go somewhere that maybe you can get a treat...like an icecream cone! ( lol...I bought myself a BIG one on the way home from the park...and boy did I enjoy it!) So there is a reward at the end of the drive.

 

Quit counting on your parents for everything. Help mow the yard. Pull weeds. Plant flowers....Don't stay in your little bubble.

 

Talk to a friend about looking into meetups together. That's where I found my 'now' friends. I didn't have ANY before. Not real friends. I joined a hiking meetup...then the kayak one. Where I met Tom also. I can see why you wouldn't want to do it alone....but maybe with a friend.

 

Look up Meetups.com .....and see what is in your area. There are also book clubs .....

 

I actually ran out of gas today with my 'newish' van. Couldn't find the emergency flashers...or how to open the hood. Didn't think of Tom for all of 10 minutes!!!!!! lol

[superkatnip]

RN.. amen. This is how I moved forward after my divorce. One day a little better than the last, of my own choosing and yes with tons of therapy. We only get one ride on this merry go round. I finally decided one day that I wanted to jump on and ride the prettiest horse, even knowing I might fall off.

[lostlove76]

What an inspirational, positive, uplifting post RN. Thank you! You guys all write really good posts, and I enjoy reading them. I'm about to eat, so I don't have time to comment on everything at the moment, but just some snippets:

 

Listen LL....I cried for every damn day for 4 months after my ex fiancé broke up with me.

 

Like I said....2 months was the worst for me.

Thanks for reminding me of this. I'm at 2 months now. I know people would like for me to be over this already (not talking about folks here in particular, just everyone - my mom, my friends, everyone). But it just takes some people longer. When I attach (which I so rarely do), I attach deeply. So it's very difficult for me to detach.

 

Why does your mom have to make the appointment for a therapist? Why can't you? You have the phone in your hands all the time!!!! lol

Lol at the last part

I just don't know how much they can afford, and/or if family insurance can perhaps cover it somehow. It did last time I went to someone, years ago.

I will have to be honest and say that I'm feeling less urgency to find someone than I did the other night. I knew this would happen. At my lowest low, I really feel like I need it; then I start feeling better and think eh, I can put it off.

 

Another thing I would do....is self talk on your anxiety about driving. Why would one day you could drive a few blocks...then another you can't? Why don't you take a few deep breaths, give yourself a pep talk...and drive to a close store...every day.

Ya know, I actually do drive to this particular store at least every other day, and it's usually not a problem at all. It's a hassle, but it doesn't give me anxiety. Any time I do have mild anxiety about it, I do the self-talk like you're saying and it helps get me there and back. So the other night when it was so bad, it was based almost solely on how I was feeling all day rather than anything to do with the drive itself.

 

I actually ran out of gas today with my 'newish' van. Couldn't find the emergency flashers...or how to open the hood.

Now see, this is what I'm so scared of!! I'm afraid I couldn't handle breaking down somewhere, and would have no one to call for help since I don't keep a lot of friends. I can always call my parents, but sometimes they're out of town.

 

But I keep my commitments! (That is why I don't Make Many!!!!! lol)

I don't make many either!! Because I know that I likely can't/won't keep them. I usually tell people maybe, probably, we'll see, I'll try. I would have committed for life to him in a heartbeat, but I'm pretty commitment-phobic in all other areas of my life, from big things to small.

 

The rest of your post had really good points, too, sorry for not replying to everything. I want to try to get some things done today. Funny you mentioned mowing the grass, because that's actually on my to-do list (not making any promises though, or it won't happen). I'll be on and off here in between things all day, I am sure. I hope you're feeling better than the other day when you posted here

[lostlove76]

We only get one ride on this merry go round. I finally decided one day that I wanted to jump on and ride the prettiest horse, even knowing I might fall off.

 

What a beautiful idea!

[superkatnip]

Thanks LL. Might just do that!

[reinventmyself]

You mention the notion of seeing a therapist at your 'lowest of lows'. My therapist often reminds me that he would rather work with me when I'm not in crisis. I tend to leave when the crisis is over. As much as it serves a purpose, there's something to be said that there's a benefit in therapy when they are not only there for the purpose of damage control.

[lostlove76]

You mention the notion of seeing a therapist at your 'lowest of lows'. My therapist often reminds me that he would rather work with me when I'm not in crisis. I tend to leave when the crisis is over. As much as it serves a purpose, there's something to be said that there's a benefit in therapy when they are not only there for the purpose of damage control.

 

You tend to quit going to sessions when the crisis is over, you mean?

 

That's an interesting way to look at things. I would actually prefer to be able to only go during times when I need damage control, but I know it doesn't work that way (unless you have a long-standing relationship with one like you do with yours, I guess). Come to think of it, my friend is on and off with hers, too. I think last time she went a few weeks ago, they set an appointment for several weeks later because the therapist said she was doing well.

 

I guess from what you're saying... when you're in the middle of a crisis, you can't focus on anything other than the immediate crisis, and you can't work on other issues that need to be sorted through. Makes sense.

[reinventmyself]

You tend to quit going to sessions when the crisis is over, you mean?

 

That's an interesting way to look at things. I would actually prefer to be able to only go during times when I need damage control, but I know it doesn't work that way (unless you have a long-standing relationship with one like you do with yours, I guess). Come to think of it, my friend is on and off with hers, too. I think last time she went a few weeks ago, they set an appointment for several weeks later because the therapist said she was doing well.

 

I guess from what you're saying... when you're in the middle of a crisis, you can't focus on anything other than the immediate crisis, and you can't work on other issues that need to be sorted through. Makes sense.

Exactly! The crisis passes and the real work begins, outside of a volatile episode.

[lostlove76]

Hey everyone. So I have a question, and please forgive me if this has already been answered a million times, but I guess I just need the extra inspiration right now....

 

I've still been looking at their pages, as you know. It seemed she went home, and then it seemed she went back, but I couldn't tell for sure. I had just about talked myself into believing she wasn't there, until today I see proof that she is. She got a job there, so it appears she's there to stay. This whole time, I've been hanging onto false hope that we could be together again some day, no matter how much I tried to talk myself out of wanting it. But if she's there to stay, then it's just never going to happen, or if it ever does, it will be way too late. It certainly won't happen any time soon. So I guess I have two questions:

 

1) How do you let go of stubborn false hope?

2) How exactly does not looking at social media help you move on?

 

I understand that looking adds new pain, and makes you feel a false connection, but if you quit looking, is it going to make you quit caring? Because when I quit before for those 5 or so days, I didn't think of him any less and I didn't care any less than when I wasn't looking. And the underlying urge to look was still there, which still keeps him in my mind. And with the false hope... I've told myself for months all the reasons I shouldn't be with him and why it would never work, etc etc, and I know all of it in my head, but my heart still really wants him back.

 

If anyone has any thoughts on these two issues, I sure would appreciate it. I'm about to cry again. I don't feel as bad as I felt last Friday when I saw that maybe she went back, but it's still a huge letdown. And even worse, I'm still trying to talk myself into thinking well maybe she's living there but they aren't together anymore. But I can't think of a single way she could be living there unless with him, so this hope is unrealistic.

[lostlove76]

Let me add a third question: How do you get over the deep feeling of hurt and betrayal? He's giving to her what he didn't give to me, and that's half of why it's been so hard to let go. Because it just hurts sooooo freaking much. If he had cared about my feelings at all in the end, I really don't think I would still be this stuck.

[lostlove76]

I just talked to my mom again about counseling, and she's going to look into it tonight. So if I can just make it through until I am actually sitting down in front of someone. No idea how long it takes to get an appointment.

 

Just some venting....

I feel like he was my last shot at true happiness. I don't WANT to live the rest of my life alone. I'm not sure many people want that. And it truly feels like I will never find anyone else who I like as much and fall in love with. My options are so limited, for one thing, for so my reasons (all my issues). I'm tempted to just jump back on the dating site to see what's out there, but I know that no high-quality guy is going to want me the way I am now. I don't think I'm saying that out of low self-esteem, just being realistic. And I'm not going to want any of them, either. I feel like I'm getting older and time is running out. I guess that's a common feeling, too, no matter how old someone is. But the fact remains that I didn't even want anyone else, I wanted him. My mom said his bad far outweighs his good, and I'm trying to see that. But during the good times, I was happier than I've EVER been with anyone else in 20 some odd years of dating. I've never been with anyone so incredibly sweet and affectionate and attentive.

 

UGH, this just continues to suck.

[browneyedgirl36]

Hey everyone. So I have a question, and please forgive me if this has already been answered a million times, but I guess I just need the extra inspiration right now....

 

I've still been looking at their pages, as you know. It seemed she went home, and then it seemed she went back, but I couldn't tell for sure. I had just about talked myself into believing she wasn't there, until today I see proof that she is. She got a job there, so it appears she's there to stay. This whole time, I've been hanging onto false hope that we could be together again some day, no matter how much I tried to talk myself out of wanting it. But if she's there to stay, then it's just never going to happen, or if it ever does, it will be way too late. It certainly won't happen any time soon. So I guess I have two questions:

 

1) How do you let go of stubborn false hope?

2) How exactly does not looking at social media help you move on?

 

I understand that looking adds new pain, and makes you feel a false connection, but if you quit looking, is it going to make you quit caring? Because when I quit before for those 5 or so days, I didn't think of him any less and I didn't care any less than when I wasn't looking. And the underlying urge to look was still there, which still keeps him in my mind. And with the false hope... I've told myself for months all the reasons I shouldn't be with him and why it would never work, etc etc, and I know all of it in my head, but my heart still really wants him back.

 

If anyone has any thoughts on these two issues, I sure would appreciate it. I'm about to cry again. I don't feel as bad as I felt last Friday when I saw that maybe she went back, but it's still a huge letdown. And even worse, I'm still trying to talk myself into thinking well maybe she's living there but they aren't together anymore. But I can't think of a single way she could be living there unless with him, so this hope is unrealistic.

 

Hi LL76...here are my thoughts on your questions:

 

1) How do you let go of stubborn false hope? Well, for me, knowing that my ex was dating/seeking other people (which I found out by overhearing conversations in the hallway at work, seeing a photo of him and a new girlfriend on his desk, etc.) while it hurt like HELL at first, was actually key in helping me to start to move on because it proved, finally, that he was done with me -- that he was actively choosing, every day, to not have a relationship with me but was perfectly capable of and willing to seek out others to be with. It was painful, for sure, and I had to work REALLY hard not to take it personally, but it really was the catalyst for moving on. The final nail in the coffin was him looking at me coldly and telling me (also coldly) to "move on." UGH! Again, painful, but it REALLY helped me in the long run. The other things that helped were a) Time (quite a bit of time for me as I could not entirely avoid him at work, so it took longer than normal, perhaps); and b) Distance. Even though I worked with him, I slowly started gaining emotional distance by keeping conversation with him to a minimum and not engaging with him at all outside of work. And, we live in different towns, so it was highly unlikely I'd run into him in my town, and I had no reason anymore to go to his. No phone calls. No texts. NO CHECKING HIS SOCIAL MEDIA! In fact, I actively avoided looking at his FB; the only "bad news" I got was by accident, when someone tagged him in a post and it showed up in my newsfeed, but that happened only rarely. And...last but not least: THERAPY and making a full life for myself without him in it. I don't think just one of these things alone could have helped me let go -- it was a perfect storm, of sorts, that came together to help me move on.

 

2) How exactly does not looking at social media help you move on? See my points on the aforementioned DISTANCE. You simply can't get emotional distance from an ex if you're delving into his business on social media, period. AND, I think looking at social media is especially harmful when you need to move on precisely because social media offers such a tiny glimpse into a person's life, and it's all carefully crafted to spin things the way the person wants his/her audience to see them. There are TONS of details left out, which causes the audience (in this case, you) to have to interpret what little IS there. This leads you to start reading into every single detail, no matter how ridiculously insignificant it is. You start filling in blanks where there are "gaps" in the information. You start looking for "signs" in every picture, ever word said -- or not said. It's crazy-making -- totally unhealthy, and not at all conducive to moving on. If you don't look, your brain will still twist into pretzels, at least for awhile, about what he's doing, what she's doing, etc., but after awhile, with your "information source" cut off, you'll have nothing to go on, and you'll slowly start occupying your mind with other things (that is, if you start finding other interests and other things to do with your time).

 

As to your third question: I remember feeling that, when my ex ditched me to go back to his previous ex, he must think she was so much *better* than me; if I was being honest with myself, he kept going back with her because he was dysfunctional, and she was dysfunctional, and they had a really unhealthy relationship. But, until I could start to see myself more clearly, through the help of therapy, friends, my successes at various aspects of my life, I was down on myself thinking that his rejection of me was about me. It wasn't. Well...maybe it was, in a way: We were a terrible match, and that was a good thing! It didn't mean *I* wasn't good enough -- it just meant we were totally incompatible.

 

Again, you will NOT stop hoping, not stop wanting him back, until you fix yourself. I promise you, it CAN happen, but you have to want it badly enough, and you have to act. Sitting there with the phone in your hand, waiting for contact from him, or looking at FB searching for "signs" that someday he might want you again... that's passive, and all that will do is keep you stuck forever. You can be stuck forever, or you can do something else. What are you going to do?

 

P.S. Read the quote in my signature line --over and over again. It totally applies here.

[boltnrun]

Not looking for only 5 days, then starting again, then wondering why you can't move on is like not eating double cheeseburgers and chili cheese fries for 5 days, then going back to eating them every day and wondering why you haven't lost any weight.

 

Five days is NOTHING...you have to commit to doing what's good for yourself for the long haul, not just a few days. And saying "I can't help myself" is an excuse...you CAN help yourself, you're just choosing not to.

 

You have all the tools to get yourself out of this funk. You just have to decide you're tired of feeling like crap and do the work. That's all.

[boltnrun]

I have a question for you, LL...what are you doing today that is different from what you were doing two months ago?

 

From what I can tell you're still checking Facebook, still checking the dating site, still carrying your phone around with you hoping he calls, still not going to therapy, still not leaving the house except to run short errands, still not trying any new activities, still not seeing friends...

 

So, how can anything improve if you've not done a single thing different from what you were doing two months ago?

 

Like my signature line says, if you change nothing, nothing changes.

[lostlove76]

Thanks so so much for your in-depth post, BEG. I guess I needed to hear it all yet again. Thank you too, bolt. I'm sure I'll have more to say in response in a little while, but I'm just going to mull it all over for a bit and let my mind absorb it. Everything said makes sense, especially the answer to why staying off their social media is so crucial. Maybe 5 days really wasn't enough time to feel any benefit.

 

I really really need to accept that things will just never work out between he and I, and I really need to somehow make myself believe that there can be happiness beyond this. I think if I actually believed that, then I would be taking the steps towards it. Instead, I feel like the future seems bleak, but I'm sure that's the depression talking.

 

I do think therapy will help, and I do plan to go.

[lostlove76]

I have a question for you, LL...what are you doing today that is different from what you were doing two months ago?

 

From what I can tell you're still checking Facebook, still checking the dating site, still carrying your phone around with you hoping he calls, still not going to therapy, still not leaving the house except to run short errands, still not trying any new activities, still not seeing friends...

 

So, how can anything improve if you've not done a single thing different from what you were doing two months ago?

 

Like my signature line says, if you change nothing, nothing changes.

 

Yeah. The answer is, of course, that I'm doing nothing at all differently. I just kept hoping that as time wore on, I would quit caring about him... and when I cared less about him, then I would care more about other things, and I would just gradually shift into being more mentally and emotionally ready to do all the things you guys have been suggesting. That was my hope. When I feel better, I do more. But I understand that the behavioral changes have to come first, as you all have said. It's just so dang hard to make yourself do something when you can't really see the light at the end of the tunnel. Just going through the motions doesn't sound too appealing. Again, I understand that perhaps this is what's going to be necessary to break me out of this, but I can't see myself finding enjoyment in any of it at the moment. It's only been two months... maybe after another month or two has passed, I won't be feeling this way. I just keep hoping that "time heals all wounds" ya know.

[boltnrun]

That's a nice saying, but if you had an actual wound would you just leave it alone and hope it heals? Or would you wash it, put on some antiseptic, cover it with a bandage, perhaps see a doctor to get stitches?

[notalady]

Time heals only when you've taken action to fill that time with other things and people in life. Time doesn't heal when you sit around thinking about and looking at the same thing over and over.

[browneyedgirl36]

Time heals only when you've taken action to fill that time with other things and people in life. Time doesn't heal when you sit around thinking about and looking at the same thing over and over.

 

Yep. And, five days of not looking at his FB is NOT enough time.

 

I think you're right, LL, that if your outlook was brighter, you'd make different choices. I truly believe, based on my reading of this thread, that you suffer from clinical depression that, at this point, can only be helped with therapy and medication. I know you've tried it in the past, but you owe it to yourself to try it again. A good doctor can assess what has NOT worked for you in the past (particularly medication-wise) and can work with you on something that WILL work. It may mean trying a few different meds, but if you had high blood pressure, or diabetes, or migraines, you'd try different things until you found one that worked, right?

[notalady]

While I was very quick to get over most of my ex's, usually by the time we broke up I was already over it, one of my ex who I only dated for 3 months, took me a year to get over, because I had high hopes for that relationship. And because it was a pre-emptive break up, things hadn't gone bad, and because I didn't see it go bad, I couldn't help but always wonder "what if I stayed, maybe we would have worked out, how do I know for sure since I didn't let it happen?"

 

That didn't stop me from living life and trying to date. I simply keep on trying to move on with my life (with no contact of course), there's no better or quicker way around it. You can't just try for a few days or a few weeks or a few months and go, well this isn't working, I still care about him so I might as well go back to obsessing over him. You can't always control how you feel and how long it takes to get over someone, all you can do is keep moving.

 

It wasn't until I met my next love interest that I felt I was totally emotionally over that ex. Maybe it's not because of that, I'd like to think I did it mostly in my own, maybe it's just that I couldn't tell if I had really moved on emotionally until I actually saw myself doing it. Then one day I saw that ex, and we greeted each other and all, I used to feel like I still cared about him when I saw him, but that time I felt nothing. So that's when I finally got the confirmation that I had stopped caring.

 

One other ex, I was already over him shortly after we broke up, we had no contact for 6 months then he messaged me to say he hadn't come to terms with the fact that he lost me and he knew he f***ed up and really wanted another chance. I told him I didn't want to give it another chance, it just doesn't work between us. But I cried, a lot. I stilled cared about him and it hurt to see him still being in pain, I didn't want a relationship with him doesn't mean I stopped caring. You can't force yourself to stop caring. I don't try to keep track of whether I still cared, I just keep on moving and allow the feelings to pass with time.

 

If you stay where you are now and keep doing what you've always done, if you don't even try (by taking action not just saying you are trying then do nothing), you will never move on, end of story.

[lostlove76]

That's a nice saying, but if you had an actual wound would you just leave it alone and hope it heals? Or would you wash it, put on some antiseptic, cover it with a bandage, perhaps see a doctor to get stitches?

 

Time heals only when you've taken action to fill that time with other things and people in life. Time doesn't heal when you sit around thinking about and looking at the same thing over and over.

 

Point taken, and agreed. I guess it was unrealistic to hope I would just "forget" about him with the passing of time. Maybe if I had more going on, then I would have. But not under these circumstances.

[boltnrun]

Just remember, LL, no one can help you if you refuse to help yourself.