The Ups and Downs of Loving a Commitment-Phobe

[browneyedgirl36]

Yesterday he was flirting heavily with this girl on Facebook who is a mutual friend. This is the same thing that happened a while back, same girl... She posted about desperately wanting to meet her soulmate and have a baby. And he told her to come to his town, winky face. She said she wished she could (she was being polite), and he said she can do anything she wants to, that it's better to just go for it and not have regrets. So yesterday afternoon, he's telling this girl (who lives here) to come down there. And today it looks like trashy girl is back in town. I don't understand how that happened.

 

This is a BIG reason you're not feeling any better, even after not seeing him for so long. You've been still talking to him -- at least until two months ago -- and you are constantly checking up on all these women, which is exactly like still having contact with him. I can't even imagine looking at the FB pages of my ex's new girlfriend(s) and punishing myself with that stuff. It would have been way, way too much for me. It took me a long time to get over him, though, mainly because I work with him, and I did see/talk to him on a regular basis. Once we stopped talking outside of work (he had a new girlfriend, of course, so he totally shut me down), it got easier and easier. It couldn't have gotten easier if we'd been regularly texting and talking outside of work, and certainly not if I'd been stalking his FB page!

 

Your description of the anxiety you had about going to the store five minutes from home makes it VERY clear that you need a good therapist AND anti-anxiety meds, at least at this point. I think that both would make a WORLD of difference for you. I suspect, too, that you suffer from clinical depression, though I can't be sure. When people have clinical depression (as opposed to situational depression caused by a major event like a death or loss of a job), they often have trouble leaving the house or really doing much of anything, and their world is very narrow (thus they have time/space to focus obsessively on one thing). A good therapist will get you connected to a good psychiatrist who can help with that.

 

Something I often remind posters of on here -- and something I had to learn the hard way -- that I think you need to hear (and forgive me if I've said it in a previous post): The source of your pain can never be a cure for your pain -- at least relationship-wise. I had to learn that when, a few years ago, I was having a weak moment and texted my ex that I was sad that we rarely talked anymore. This led to a face-to-face discussion a few days later in which he told me, in a very cold and condescending tone, that I needed to "move on" that it had "been a long time" and that I should have been "over it by now." The look on his face, the tone of his voice -- it was all so cold, and it felt like he was totally disgusted with me for still having feelings. Well, that was what I needed, finally. Something in my head snapped, and I told him off, or started to, until we got interrupted, so I went to my car and texted him and finished telling him off. Then...nothing after that. Ever again. That was 3 1/2 years ago. I've spoken to him since, but only about very superficial stuff, and only at work. It felt awful -- and embarrassing -- at the time, but I realized that it was exactly what needed to happen. He was seeing other people. I wasn't moving on. I reached out to him for compassion -- to help ease my pain -- but he couldn't/wouldn't help me. I had to help myself. That's what you have to do, too.

 

You know all the facts -- about the distance, the drinking, the other women, etc. but really, all you need to know is this: He is actively choosing, every day, not to be with you. There is NO way that you can explain that away, excuse it, spin it into anything other than what it is. It's hugely painful, I know, but oddly enough, it's good news, too. It may not seem like it now. I know it didn't for me, at the time, but if you are willing to do the work, one day, it will.

 

The minute your parents walk in the door, ask them for help. They love you. That's what they're there for. I know it's hard, but all you have to do is tell them, "I really need your help." If your parents are anything like mine (and I suspect they are, if they've helped you this much thus far), they will do whatever you need.

Get to a therapist, and get to a qualified doctor/psychiatrist. Get proper meds. Set an alarm on your phone to remind you to take them every day.

This is where you need to start. Once you start meds and start talking to a qualified professional, I truly believe other stuff -- like stopping the FB stalking and obsessing -- will start to subside.

 

I hope you understand that the advice you're getting here is rooted in compassion and that most of us have been in a similar situation, and that we understand. I wouldn't tell you you can get past this if I didn't truly believe it. But, as I said before, you have to want it. You have nothing to lose at this point if you ask for help. In doing nothing to help yourself, though, you have everything to lose, including time you could have spent being a LOT happier.

[lostlove76]

Thanks Annie and BEG

 

I don't know if situational depression can turn into clinical depression if it continues long enough, but I honestly think mine is more situational. I've certainly had rough periods of time in my life, but it was usually following a breakup (nothing that ever lasted near this long though) or some stressful event. I wasn't anywhere near this bad off before I met him, and during the two years, my depression versus happiness flip-flopped depending on how things were going with us.

 

This relationship has really done me a huge amount of damage. I think the reason I'm having more trouble with this one than anything in the past (and don't get me wrong, I've often had a hard time moving on, but it seriously never lasted this long and to this degree) was the confusing on/off/hot/cold nature of the whole thing. All that intermittent reinceforment stuff tore me apart. The ex he was seeing on and off for three years said it took her a whole year to get over him. She said that she was normally a happy person, but while seeing him, all her friends would comment that she seemed sad all the time. I'm not minimizing all the issues I have, but I AM saying that he obviously has this effect on people, and this type of relationship has been known to cause a lot of harm.

 

But whether clinical or situational, I will fully admit to being depressed. I used to hate that word; I found it insulting. But I clearly am, so it is what it is.

[browneyedgirl36]

I definitely think situational depression can definitely turn into clinical depression; my therapist a few years back said that after a difficult event or a prolonged period of sadness, our brain chemicals can actually be altered, resulting in actual clinical depression. So, it's possible that's the case with you.

 

I know what you mean about damage. I think for me, it was a combination of where I was in my life at the time emotionally (not feeling so great about myself but really wanting to be loved -- almost desperately) and the intermittent reinforcement -- which is FAR more damaging, in my opinion, than consistent negative reinforcement -- that kept me hanging on for so long. I came to a point, though, where I just felt so vacant, so lost -- I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize myself. I had months where I cried EVERY day (in contrast to now, where I've cried MAYBE three times in the past year -- mainly due to stress or frustration that is related to work -- not relationship-related at all). I really had stopped caring about much of anything, though I pretended to -- I showed up for work, put just enough effort in with friends and family -- the minimum, really -- and just plowed through every day on autopilot in between crying and obsessing about my ex. I really thought, at one point, that I'd never be OK again. But I am, now -- way more than OK -- and when I look back on that time, I can't believe all the stuff that I let happen, all the stuff I did that caused me to suffer needlessly. Sometimes, still, I feel guilty about how I treated myself back then, but I realize now that maybe I had to go through all of that to get to where I am now.

 

It's a cliche, I know, but the first step is admitting you have a problem. You've done that. Now, on to fixing it.

[lostlove76]

BEG: The way you describe yourself back then is exactly how I am now, so I know that you get it... and that helps. Sometimes I almost feel defective in some way, or "crazy" for going through this - or maybe I just feel like other people think that of me. So I appreciate you guys sharing your stories with me; it makes me feel less alone.

 

Your first paragraph about depression makes perfect sense, and I bet that's what has happened. I probably have turned clinically depressed since I've been in this state for so long.

[polaris]

I guess you're right that I don't want to get over him. I just want HIM. I don't want to continue to be miserable, so in that sense I do wish I could get over him. I've been waiting for it to just magically happen. Because I would think that after a long period of not having someone in your life, you would eventually just stop caring about them. Wouldn't you think so?? It just seems that you would, when you never see this person or talk to them at all. And yet my feelings remain. It's been about 2 months now since I last talked to him.

 

This seems like a good summary of your situation, and your two central (and related) problems: (1) that you want to back to being with him rather than forward without him; and (2) you are hoping that healing will happen in spite of what you're doing rather than because of it.

 

To be fair, for (1) you have also said that you don't want to continue to be miserable and in that sense you wish you were over him. The impression I have, though, is that don't really believe that. I think the key question in healing is this: if you had a completely free choice of feeling 100% okay without that person in your life anymore, or of feeling like you do at the moment with a continued tenuous connection to them, which would you choose? At the moment you're choosing the latter, and you're doing so because you don't really believe that the former is possible. But I promise you it is. You felt 100% okay for a lot of the time before this person was ever in your life. You may *want* them, but you don't *need* them in order to feel okay. So I guess the first thing in your position is to really try and believe in a life without them, imagine what a great life could look like without them in it, and focus on that image for a while, and then think about how you can start to move towards it.

 

For (2), 2 months of NC is good, but still relatively early days so don't beat yourself up about not being over him after that time. It's also worth adding, though, that you are still quite determinedly keeping a connection to him, so this is NC only in the narrowest sense. It will be more effective, i.e. you will heal faster, the less connection you are able to keep with him. I know checking FB is extremely tempting - I give into too - but the less you can make yourself do that, the better. I know I'm not telling you anything you don't already know, but the more we hear things, the most likely we are to act on them.

[lostlove76]

Hi polaris, really great post. Thank you so much.

 

I think the key question in healing is this: if you had a completely free choice of feeling 100% okay without that person in your life anymore, or of feeling like you do at the moment with a continued tenuous connection to them, which would you choose? At the moment you're choosing the latter, and you're doing so because you don't really believe that the former is possible.

Wow, this sums up pretty much everything. You're right -- I'm choosing to remain miserable while holding onto this false connection with him (both through hoping he'll come back, and checking social media to see what he's up to) instead of believing that I could be happy with him gone forever.

 

2 months of NC is good, but still relatively early days so don't beat yourself up about not being over him after that time.

Thank you for saying this. I feel like people think I should be moved on already (not talking about anyone here, just people in general). But I was in love with this person for 2 whole years, so 2 months seems like a drop in the bucket. I wish it were possible to just turn off the feelings, but these things take time. I know I'm not doing what I should be in order to heal, but 2 months is still a relatively short period of time after 2 years. It doesn't even feel like it's been that long since I last talked to him. Feels like just a few weeks.

 

I know I'm not telling you anything you don't already know, but the more we hear things, the most likely we are to act on them.

Very true, and it also helps to hear the same thing said in many different ways. This seems to be a complex "problem" I'm dealing with, and I often will focus on one area of the problem and completely "forget" about the other areas until they're brought to my attention again.

[boltnrun]

I see these things happening here:

 

1. You aren't doing a single thing different from what you were doing two months ago.

2. You don't want to stop feeling miserable because it's your last remaining connection to him.

 

Like my signature line says, if you change nothing, nothing changes.

 

But I honestly think you don't want to and WON'T change anything because then you'd have to face the fact that it's over. For good. Forever.

 

As long as you're obsessively checking Facebook and the dating site looking for "signs" and keeping your phone in your hand hoping and hoping he calls, you can convince yourself that he just might come back to you, and that it isn't REALLY over. You keep repeating "he always came back before!", so you're convinced that if you just keep waiting, eventually he'll be back. And that's also part of why you won't seek help, because a therapist's job will be to help you get past this and move on, but you don't want to.

 

And it's sad, because I can see years and years of you sitting at home waiting for him. You're way too young to waste your life away, but you're choosing to do just that.

 

Is this man REALLY worth giving up the rest of your life?

[lostlove76]

Bolt:

I guess that really is exactly what I'm doing. I'm beginning to see that over the past couple days. But I don't know how to flip a switch and tell myself that I no longer want any connection with him. I have tried and tried and tried to tell myself that no, he's not worth any of this. I mean gosh, I practically preach all over these threads about cheaters and homewreckers being scum, and here I am pining after one. Like reinvent said a while back, I have a very difficult time seeing him as one whole person for whom the bad outweighs the good; I've split him into the "good" him and the "bad" him, and I want the good him back. He really is not worth all of this, and I need to somehow wrap my mind around that.

 

I continue to compare myself to this woman he replaced me with. I think if he hadn't immediately jumped into something with her, I wouldn't be quite this bad off. That's really what bothers me the most about it all. And I know it's a common thing that happens, and it's common to feel the way I feel about it, because I see it a lot in these threads. I see people using the exact same phrases I keep using - I was replaced, I meant nothing to him, he completely forgot about me, how could he move on so fast, he threw me away like trash, etc. So I don't claim that my pain is unique in that regard, but boy does it hurt. As many negative things as I say about her, I still overvalue her in my mind simply because he chose her, like you pointed out before. I would like to just believe that since they're both scum, they deserve each other and will certainly screw each other over at some point. Just UGH, I hate that they are together.

[boltnrun]

No one's saying you should "flip a switch". But you're literally doing NOTHING to change. Not a single thing.

 

With some help, you stopped stalking them electronically for a few days. Then for some reason you decided you should go back to looking, and you saw what you THOUGHT were signs they weren't together. And you felt happy (probably because you thought "Yay, he's going to call me!!").Then you saw what you THINK are signs they ARE together, and now you're down again ("Oh no, now he's NOT going to call me").

 

Do you know you were feeling better when you stopped looking? Of course you tried to say that looking actually helped, but that was just an excuse to start looking again because you didn't really want to stop. Because looking keeps you connected (in an unhealthy way) to him.

 

And you keep citing all these examples of other people doing the same things you're doing and saying the same things you're saying, and pointing out that others who have full lives are still pining, so why should you bother trying to fill your life? And others are questioning their self-worth because some person dumped them, so it's OK for you to do the same. And while those things are true...why wouldn't you aspire to NOT be like those other people? Why would you WANT to continue to feel miserable when there are things you can do to stop?

 

Of course, I think I know why...because you WANT to believe the two of you are still connected. And you WANT to believe that if you give it more time to see if he realizes, that he WILL realize, he'll call you, and you'll have your phone relationship back.

 

Except, remember...you started posting on ENA because the phone relationship wasn't making you feel happy and fulfilled. And yet, here you are wanting that back. I guess because you think it's better than nothing? But remember, YOU WERE NOT HAPPY!

 

Sorry for yelling lol. But if you are going to rewrite history and try to convince yourself that you were happier back then, I'm just trying to remind you that you weren't.

 

The choice is yours. You can continue to give it more time in the hopes he "realizes" and comes back to you. More time, maybe years and years? OR, you can start doing some work to stop feeling miserable all the time. You either want to try to remain connected to this man who has already moved on and isn't going to ever give you what you want and need, or you can learn to give yourself a more fulfilled life which will increase your chances of finding TRUE happiness...and maybe even meet a man who WILL give you what you want and need.

[lostlove76]

With some help, you stopped stalking them electronically for a few days. Then for some reason you decided you should go back to looking, and you saw what you THOUGHT were signs they weren't together. And you felt happy (probably because you thought "Yay, he's going to call me!!").Then you saw what you THINK are signs they ARE together, and now you're down again ("Oh no, now he's NOT going to call me").

Yep, those were my thoughts. I really did think he would call when they were over - I was sure of it! And for a long time, I was prepared and determined to just ignore him when he did, and it would make me feel like I was getting back at him in some small way. I know you think he wouldn't care, and maybe he wouldn't, but he would at least see that I refuse to be treated like a backup. So looking at their pages has been a way of trying to predict if and when he might call. But, well, he didn't call.

 

And you keep citing all these examples of other people doing the same things you're doing and saying the same things you're saying, and pointing out that others who have full lives are still pining, so why should you bother trying to fill your life? And others are questioning their self-worth because some person dumped them, so it's OK for you to do the same. And while those things are true...why wouldn't you aspire to NOT be like those other people? Why would you WANT to continue to feel miserable when there are things you can do to stop?

I didn't really mean it in that way. I'm not using it as an excuse not to move on. I guess I was just pointing out an observation. I find it sad and depressing, more than anything, that so many people have to go through this and feel this way. So many people are feeling completely disposable, because their exes really DID just throw them away like trash. It's a horrible thing. At the same time, it kind of helps in some tiny way to know that what I'm going through is not uncommon. As for my comments about people who lead full lives still having difficulty moving on... I don't know. It just makes complete sense that if I had more going on, I wouldn't be feeling this bad right now. It really really makes sense. However, other people who do have more going on are feeling just as bad. It's, again, just an observation I guess.

 

Except, remember...you started posting on ENA because the phone relationship wasn't making you feel happy and fulfilled. And yet, here you are wanting that back. I guess because you think it's better than nothing? But remember, YOU WERE NOT HAPPY!

 

Sorry for yelling lol. But if you are going to rewrite history and try to convince yourself that you were happier back then, I'm just trying to remind you that you weren't.

Lol, no worries on the yelling. I do need the reminder! You're right, it was NOT a good relationship, and it did NOT fill my needs. If it did, then I wouldn't have been so miserable 80% of the time. But you're also right (right again, lol) that maybe it's better than nothing. I mean really - it's between having the good stuff I had with him, which always felt so amazingly good... or nothing at all. But I know that half of those good feelings were based on false promises of being together again "next week," and I also know that along with the good came a whole ton of worry and anxiety and sadness and disappointment and mistrust and all the rest of it. I couldn't keep going through the highs and lows, and that's why I had to end it. It was emotional torture. So I don't really want that back. And at the same time, I do. Emotions are confusing

[boltnrun]

"I didn't really mean it in that way. I'm not using it as an excuse not to move on. I guess I was just pointing out an observation. I find it sad and depressing, more than anything, that so many people have to go through this and feel this way. So many people are feeling completely disposable, because their exes really DID just throw them away like trash. It's a horrible thing. At the same time, it kind of helps in some tiny way to know that what I'm going through is not uncommon. As for my comments about people who lead full lives still having difficulty moving on... I don't know. It just makes complete sense that if I had more going on, I wouldn't be feeling this bad right now. It really really makes sense. However, other people who do have more going on are feeling just as bad. It's, again, just an observation I guess."

 

But, like I mentioned before, if you're using ENA or Google searches as your source of data, the data is going to be skewed. People don't post on ENA when they're in happy, fulfilling relationships or when they've successfully moved on from heartbreak. This site is going to be filled with people in turmoil, who have NOT been successful at moving on, or who are going through fresh heartbreak, when the pain is new and raw.

 

I can tell you that with a previous ex, I cried for two straight months. I could barely get up in the morning and get my kids to school. I missed a LOT of work until I got my paycheck and realized that if I didn't get my crap together my kids might not have a place to live. So, that forced me to stop wallowing. However, if I'd written a post during those two months I would have said that this man was the LOVE OF MY LIFE WHO I'LL NEVER, EVER GET OVER AND WHO I'LL LOVE FOREVER!!!111 And I would have said moving on was impossible. After those two months, when I realized I was not only ruining my life with my wallowing but my kids' lives, I would have sounded much different.

 

However, with my horrible ex (whom I've written about), I didn't cry once. Not a single tear. I knew he wasn't worth it and while there were aftereffects (mostly me feeling like a moron for once thinking I loved this guy and that I wanted to be with him), I never once cried. And if I'd written a post then I would have written about how he discarded me via email for a woman who really wasn't worth a darn, but that it didn't make ME feel worthless.

 

Maybe you can start Googling stories about people who HAVE successfully moved on from heartbreak instead of looking for situations like yours.

[lostlove76]

So the difference between this...

I can tell you that with a previous ex, I cried for two straight months. I could barely get up in the morning and get my kids to school. I missed a LOT of work until I got my paycheck and realized that if I didn't get my crap together my kids might not have a place to live. So, that forced me to stop wallowing. However, if I'd written a post during those two months I would have said that this man was the LOVE OF MY LIFE WHO I'LL NEVER, EVER GET OVER AND WHO I'LL LOVE FOREVER!!!111 And I would have said moving on was impossible.

and this...

However, with my horrible ex (whom I've written about), I didn't cry once. Not a single tear. I knew he wasn't worth it and while there were aftereffects (mostly me feeling like a moron for once thinking I loved this guy and that I wanted to be with him), I never once cried. And if I'd written a post then I would have written about how he discarded me via email for a woman who really wasn't worth a darn, but that it didn't make ME feel worthless.

...was what? Just the difference in how you felt about yourself during those two periods of your life? Did it have anything to do with the guys/relationships themselves that you mourned one harder than the other?

 

I probably say everything a dozen times here, sorry, but this is the worst breakup I've ever had. It was the longest-lasting relationship I've ever had, for one thing. But I was with someone for a year in my mid-20's (living together for half of that) and I really did love him. However, he was selfish and critical and I knew it wasn't good for me. So I called things off, we broke the lease and he moved back home 4 hours away. And if I recall correctly, I think I was over him in a matter of weeks. I never sat and cried for days, I didn't go into a deep depression, I didn't keep hoping and hoping he would come back. I think one of several differences there, for me, is that he didn't jump straight to another woman (and if he did, I wouldn't have known it, because this was before social media). Your horrible ex did though, so I don't know how you handled that better than the previous guy.

[boltnrun]

The first one, we only dated for about a year and a half, but in that time I fell really hard. He pursued me for months before I finally agreed to date him. I think because he pursued so hard, that was part of why I felt these strong feelings toward him. And the relationship was relatively short so there weren't really any "bad" times. No "ups and downs", no "commitment-phobia"...none of that. I was happy, but he just wasn't feeling the same way I was. Ironically, last year he started pursuing me again. Once upon a time I'd thought I'd never, ever get over him...but I ended up saying "no, thanks" to his attempts at seeing me again. I did see him twice though, and thought "he's so ANNOYING!" LOL And I never saw him again.

 

With the second one, we were involved for 4 years. I'd seen enough bad in those 4 years that I realized he just was not good for me and that things were never going to change. I knew his new woman was much more suited to him than I was, plus there was so much bad that it was actually a relief to be out of that situation.

 

So, instead of Googling "commitment-phobes", "getting back together", or "getting back together with a commitment-phobe", how about Googling "how to heal and move on from a relationship" or "tips for getting over heartbreak" or "success stories about moving on from a breakup"?

[Realitynut]

LL....also the big difference is, you ended it with that guy. I was in a 3 year relationship with an alcoholic. My counselor told me, I would KNOW when I was ready to get out. And I did. I was with him when I was 20-23. Grew up big time during that time. Then had many mini relationships that only took weeks to get over. Went out to the bars...and had a bf in no time. I was young. Then got married at 32....ended 20 years later. Could have cared less...Met my future fiancé the same month the ex got kicked out of the house. (order of protection)

 

I was crazy in love. Thought it was fate...and all that jazz. But I have to admit...I was a nutcase. Borderline tendencies plus going thru crazy menopause. When I found out he had a gf a month after he proposed, I was devastated to say the least. The second month was harder than the first. The first I had hope. Second, third month awful. I didn't see him for a YEAR....and then went up to get my belongings. I had been living with him, and when I left...I left all my stuff there. After a YEAR of not seeing him I still fell into his arms kissing and sobbing. Then a month later he came to my home town for a funeral. We slept together and it was like old times. Thank God we lived 4 hours apart. I had cried every dang day for 4 months. My whole future that I had planned went up in smoke.

 

Never felt truly happy again until I met Tom. Almost 3 years later. Even tho we didn't have sex...he made me laugh...and I knew he 'wanted' me. We were best friends. 5 months after meeting Tom, I called my mom and said I was finally happy. We had known each other 10 months before we had sex. And he jumped up and said 'don't call or txt tomorrow". I was left there crying. That was our FIRST TIME! Great sex...and only got better...but he was constantly hot/cold. I guess he was HOT when he wanted sex. Who the hell knows.

 

He got back with me a few weeks ago. I try not to tell anyone that because i'm ashamed. My mom is dying of cancer, and I reached out. 2 weeks he was the nicest person to me. Bringing me food in the hospital late at night, coming to my house, telling me he loved me. Then this past week it all went to hell in a handbag as it always does.

 

I went there last night. He said it was over cuz we always fight. (not true...he pulls away, I cry, he gets mad) So last night he told me to get out of his house. And the look on his face was MEAN. He said he was fine....I asked if he wanted me to date again. He said he didn't care. This is the same guy that was professing to LOVE ME the week before and was so sorry on how he treated me. He even said to me....you deserve so much better.

 

I got on POF....and low and behold...he made a profile today. He hadn't had a profile since Christmas. He told me he was NEVER going to get on a dating site again!!! lol He said he didn't want another woman, and wasn't going to look.

 

Guess he was mistaken.

 

So not only do I feel abandoned again....I'm abandoned when I felt I needed him the most. My mom found out her cancer has spread to her liver and lungs. She is now in hospice at home. I told him last week that he was my only bright spot in my life.

 

And now this.

 

Again.

 

But I won't cry for 4 months solid. I won't go into a DEEP DEPRESSION (even tho I am depressed, especially in the a.m.) Because I never saw him being my future for the rest of my LIFE. I always wanted him for the summer..or two. I knew he never was in it for the long haul. And in reality, after we had sex.....he's never been 'with' me longer than a month. Usually it's 10 days...then the pull away happens. But he doesn't see it that way. He's told me....he see's how it happens entirely different. I asked him last night what I have done wrong. He couldn't tell me. (one...he doesn't like to talk about 'feelings' or relationships stuff...he calls it all 'drama') So his answer to 'what do I do wrong' was....Get out of my house. And when I reached out to touch him...he said...Don't touch me. AS I was leaving I asked for a hug...he said no.

 

Does this sound like a man in love? How they say they love you one minute.....and can move on so quickly....just boggles my mind.

 

I was suppose to meet a guy tomorrow. He's already said he couldn't make it.

 

I guess it's just another let down....but who the heck cares.

[lostlove76]

I did see him twice though, and thought "he's so ANNOYING!" LOL And I never saw him again.

Lol, isn't it funny how that works!! I pretty much think "yuck" about all of my exes before this one. Here's to hoping I'll one day feel the same about this one, too. Both his exes told me they were no longer attracted to him and didn't think he was all that anymore, so I guess it's possible.

 

The first one, we only dated for about a year and a half, but in that time I fell really hard. He pursued me for months before I finally agreed to date him. I think because he pursued so hard, that was part of why I felt these strong feelings toward him. And the relationship was relatively short so there weren't really any "bad" times. No "ups and downs", no "commitment-phobia"...none of that. I was happy, but he just wasn't feeling the same way I was.

Part of this might have been that feeling of rejection, too. It hurts when you feel like everything is good, and there aren't really any problems per se, but they just aren't feeling it.

 

With the second one, we were involved for 4 years. I'd seen enough bad in those 4 years that I realized he just was not good for me and that things were never going to change. I knew his new woman was much more suited to him than I was, plus there was so much bad that it was actually a relief to be out of that situation.

I've always felt like shorter-term relationships are much harder to get over than longer-term ones, for the exact reason you're describing. Even though I saw a whole boatload of bad with mine, and even though it was my longest relationship, it was so on and off that it felt more like several shorter-term relationships all thrown in together within the two years. If that makes sense what I'm saying. I totally get what you're saying though.

 

So, instead of Googling "commitment-phobes", "getting back together", or "getting back together with a commitment-phobe", how about Googling "how to heal and move on from a relationship" or "tips for getting over heartbreak" or "success stories about moving on from a breakup"?

Why does reading moving-on success stories sound so depressing to me. My mom suggested this too, a long time back. I've slowed waaaaaaaaay down on the googling - have pretty much stopped - and now I mostly just read what pops up on the first page or two of recent stories here.

[lostlove76]

Oh RN, I am so so sorry about your mom, and sorry that Tom is being such an A$$$ when you need comfort the most Please don't feel ashamed. I really don't get how these men can be so cruel. Hot and cold is way more cruel than just being a jerk all the time. Making you feel loved one minute and then yanking it away the next, over and over again, is the worst thing you can do to someone. It's just horrible. Something is obviously very wrong with him. Normal people at least somewhat try to avoid hurting someone. Sounds like he just does it on purpose. And now to be looking for a fresh victim on pof. I wish for you that you could put him out of your life forever, but of course I get why it's so difficult. Big hugs about your mom, I can only imagine how deeply painful and heartbreaking it must be.

[lostlove76]

So today ended up being much less awful than yesterday. I just went up to the same store again and had no anxiety at all. Same thing day before yesterday, no problem at all then either. There are definitely triggers that affect whether I'll have anxiety and how bad it'll be.

[Clarisse]

What if it's not really about your ex at all? What if your obsession with him is a coping mechanism to prevent you from looking inward? Without him as your focus, you would be forced to look at your own life. You would be faced head-on with your crippling anxiety and the loneliness and isolation it's created for you.

 

I've read your journal for a long time without commenting. I've read your posts on other threads. You're clearly a highly intelligent, well-spoken, caring, compassionate woman. Yet, every time a poster has attempted to re-direct you to thinking about building a fulfilling, independent life, you turn the discussion back to your ex. It seems almost comforting to you to talk about hum, analyze him and check up on him. As much pain as you're in over this break up, it's less painful than dealing with the holes in your heart and soul.

 

I have suffered from depression and anxiety for a good portion of my life (they typically go hand-in-hand, by the way). It is completely debilitating. During my divorce, I went through years of almost agoraphobic behavior - shunning friends and family, ignoring my children (as ashamed as I am to admit that) and being mired in fear, shame and self-hatred. Getting professional help from a therapist you connect with, and meds if you need them, is a game changer. I still have bouts of the blues and low-level anxiety, but nothing like I experienced before. I have goals and dreams for the future. I have strong relationships with friends, a healthy romantic relationship (first one EVER) and close bonds with my kids.

 

If I can do it, you can do it.

 

You can dig yourself out of this with help from a therapist and anxiety meds to help level you out and feel normal again. It's hard work facing your demons, but if you break it down into very tiny, baby steps, you can get help and heal. Put the focus on yourself, not your ex.

 

There is a better life waiting for you. Hugs.

[lostlove76]

Hi Clarisse. Thank you for your post and your kind words. You seem very smart and compassionate yourself, as well.

 

You're probably right, especially at this point. For so long, it really WAS about him, but looking back, definitely with some elements of escaping my own life as well. But now, after not talking to him for over 2 months, it's like I'm hanging onto a ghost. I can see now that it's about avoiding my own stuff. If I'm honest, I really don't want to face moving forward in life and all that it entails. But I'm going to have to, because I can't keep doing this. I'm sitting here asking myself the question "what about it is so darn scary?" (aside from the obvious anxiety and such that I've talked about before). And I think the scariest thing of all to me is working and maintaining a full time job. If I start moving forward, it's eventually going to lead to that. I don't know how people have the energy to show up on time somewhere and stay for 8+ hours and deal with people they may not even like, and do this week after week for decades. And having to go and put on a happy face even if feeling depressed or anxious. And just the process of trying to get hired in the first place. It all just seems so overwhelming and I guess I somewhat fear failure at it. I don't even like thinking about it. It makes me uncomfortable to even type this. But I need to start putting my finger on exactly what is holding me back.

 

Thanks again so much for your comments and insights, I really appreciate it

[lostlove76]

Had to come back and add that I have worked full-time before, but it's been years. I lived on my own (with roomates, and a boyfriend at one time) and supported myself, though I was just barely scraping by. There were other periods in my life when I went to school full-time and worked part-time, or vice versa. So I've done it all before, but it's just been so so long ago.

[annie24]

I don't know how people have the energy to show up on time somewhere and stay for 8+ hours and deal with people they may not even like, and do this week after week for decades. And having to go and put on a happy face even if feeling depressed or anxious.

 

I know it sounds a bit counter-intuitive, but it can really help to have something to distract you from a breakup for 8 hours - even if it's something boring like filing papers or working a cash register, because you have to focus on some other task and it gives your brain a break from ruminating.

 

I think you should try to take some baby steps this week - call a recruiter. Start looking at some part time jobs. Even if you work the cash register somewhere nearby, I think it would be nice because you can save up money and give yourself something else to do with your time besides thinking and thinking.....

[annie24]

PS - I've been on lexapro off and on for about 10 years now. It really helps me when I'm going through a rough time. It kind of "turns the volume down" on a lot of my emotions and just helps me focus on what I need to do. I have an alarm on my phone that goes off at 10 PM to remind me to take my meds. If I miss a day or two, it's ok because Lexapro stays in your system for a while.

[lostlove76]

PS - I've been on lexapro off and on for about 10 years now. It really helps me when I'm going through a rough time. It kind of "turns the volume down" on a lot of my emotions and just helps me focus on what I need to do. I have an alarm on my phone that goes off at 10 PM to remind me to take my meds. If I miss a day or two, it's ok because Lexapro stays in your system for a while.

 

I was on Zoloft off and on for a few years, and it did help in some areas (not all). I didn't feel withdrawals too badly if I missed a day, but I could feel it a little bit. Years ago I was on effexor, and let me tell you, that was a HORRIBLE experience. Horrible withdrawal effects, horrible to get off of. But Zoloft is nice and mild. An alarm is a good idea.

[lostlove76]

I know it sounds a bit counter-intuitive, but it can really help to have something to distract you from a breakup for 8 hours - even if it's something boring like filing papers or working a cash register, because you have to focus on some other task and it gives your brain a break from ruminating.

 

I think you should try to take some baby steps this week - call a recruiter. Start looking at some part time jobs. Even if you work the cash register somewhere nearby, I think it would be nice because you can save up money and give yourself something else to do with your time besides thinking and thinking.....

 

I don't feel quite ready for this at the moment, but will have to get on it soon. I do some pet/house-sitting, which gives me a little money. I'll be doing that for a few days at the end of this coming week.

[Clarisse]

Honestly, I would start by looking for a therapist before worrying about full time work.

 

Annie is right. Rather than draining, my career provides a wonderful social network and gives my life structure and purpose. Being good at something builds self-esteem. Working has given me so much in my life, including some friendships that have lasted 20 years. I'm an introvert and do find myself exhausted at the end of the day, but I replenish my energy by sitting outside and reading after a long day, or taking a bubble bath, mindlessly reading ENA, etc.

 

But again, I wouldn't put yourself under that kind of pressure right now. Maybe open to the possibility that work can be fulfilling is enough right now. Get your depression and anxiety under control first.