The Ups and Downs of Loving a Commitment-Phobe

[annie24]

Okay, thanks for the tip. I will need help in this area for sure, because that's a big part of what's holding me back from even looking.

 

Yeah, just look up "temp agency (name of your city)" and see what pops up. I'm sure they can help you out.

[reinventmyself]

I've been trying to figure out how to say this so it comes out right.

Lostlove, if your desire to have meet a man and have a happy fulfilling relationship what are you going to do about it?

You've admitted given you current situation limits you to have contact with people. But what are you doing about it?

 

Ill tell you indirectly. My friend was in between jobs, had put on a lot of weight, had just moved back to this state and while in transition she was living with her mom.

She bemoaned continuously that she wanted to meet a great man, one who had a lot to offer. She went on about this so much that at one point I asked her what she thought she brought to the table if indeed she met such a man She didn't have an answer.

LL, you need to recognize that as long as you are not independent and rely on your parents you limit yourself to not only meeting men but you limit yourself to the quality of man you deserve.

[lostlove76]

Reinvent:

Oh, I know. Believe me, I know. That's part of the reason I feel I won't find one, because I really have nothing to offer. When I met him, he was in the same position I was. He stayed home drinking all the time, was living at his parents while they were out of town, worked a little here and there. We were leading the same lifestyle. So by the time he started working more, he already knew me, and he never judged me for it. But with someone new, I don't even know what to tell them. I'm not even looking for someone new though. I hope it happens one day, but even if I were in a better position right now, my heart is still with him and isn't open to anyone else. That's just how I am. I can't be interested in more than one person at a time. So for now, my search for anyone else is on hold, and I feel I need to get myself together in the meantime.

[reinventmyself]

I can't help but wonder how much of these challenges you have benefit you in some way. I think I asked you to give this some thought in the beginning.

[lostlove76]

I can't help but wonder how much of these challenges you have benefit you in some way. I think I asked you to give this some thought in the beginning.

 

Funny, that same question just popped into my head last night. Dr. Phil always says that we don't do things without a payoff, so what's the payoff? I will have to give that some further thought. Honestly, it may just be because it makes life easier, ya know? The avoidance of everything makes life easier.

[Realitynut]

So he was an avoidant/commitment phobe, and you are an avoidant.

 

I think there's a book I suggested you to read that deals with that!

[browneyedgirl36]

Funny, that same question just popped into my head last night. Dr. Phil always says that we don't do things without a payoff, so what's the payoff? I will have to give that some further thought. Honestly, it may just be because it makes life easier, ya know? The avoidance of everything makes life easier.

 

I think you're onto something here. It IS easier just to go with the status quo -- to NOT change -- because change requires effort, and risk, and vulnerability, and discipline. Staying stagnant requires none of these.

 

Your post about how your ex and you were when you first got together is very enlightening. For someone emotionally healthy, who truly loves and respects herself, a guy who stays home and drinks all day would NOT even be on her radar, relationship-wise. I think -- I hope, anyway! -- that as you're reading your own words, you're coming to some important realizations -- about your ex, about your own situation, about why you are where you are in your life right now.

 

I appreciate how open you are to advice. You seem like a very smart lady. Now, if we could just get you to get yourself moving forward here, and on to the rest of your life!

 

Edited to add: I know a lot of people make fun of Dr. Phil, but the guy is dead-on about so many things -- including that thing about not doing things unless there's a payoff. A good question to consider, based on that: How is what I'm doing right now serving me? What am I gaining from it?

[lostlove76]

Thanks BEG I appreciate the nice words.

 

You're so right about change vs stagnation. That really hits the nail on the head. I feel very little desire to step outside my comfort zone, because it's SCARY to me. Even just the anxiety itself is scary; the anxiety I know I'll feel is oftentimes scarier than the actual event, if that makes sense. It holds me back soooo much. Even just the act of going to counseling is outside my comfort zone. I don't feel anxiety about it, but just knowing that I'll have to be somewhere at a certain time every week, and be accountable to someone. The effort seems too large. Which sounds ridiculous, because a "normal" person is used to making such efforts. But I've diminished my world down to the bare minimum, and avoided any sense of responsibility for a very long time. And I prefer it that way, except that it's unrealistic to be able to continue with it for much longer. And I guess if I was truly happy with it, then I wouldn't be so miserable right now, would I. My ex was the one thing that made me feel truly happy (during all the good moments), and now that he is gone, I'm not happy.

 

People do make fun of Dr Phil, but I love him lol. He's a smart guy; he knows what he's talking about.

 

I'm really missing him a lot the past couple of days. I really thought he would call when they ended, and I can't understand why he hasn't. I know we've talked about that here already, but I remain confused because nothing has stopped him from calling in the past. My ignoring him never stopped him. Being with someone else never stopped him. If he wanted to call, he called, so I guess he just doesn't want to. And not that I want to be thought of as a backup, but honestly, it would beat the silence at this moment. There's always so much talk about breadcrumbs around here, but I would love a crumb right now. I guess our minds play tricks on us. We can tell ourselves a million times all the ways in which someone is bad for us, but then we revert right back to thinking of the good times. I just wish I knew if he ever thinks of me at all, or if it truly is as if I never existed. It's still so very hurtful to know how easily I was replaced and forgotten about.

[lostlove76]

So he was an avoidant/commitment phobe, and you are an avoidant.

 

I think there's a book I suggested you to read that deals with that!

 

I'm realizing more and more every day exactly how avoidant I really am! I guess I never really thought about it before recently. I used to think he was the avoidant one (which is he), and then I realized that I am too.

[Realitynut]

I'm going thru the exact same thing LL. So even tho I may sound flippant at times.....Loneliness sucks....and you feel a breadcrumb is better than starving....

[lostlove76]

I'm going thru the exact same thing LL. So even tho I may sound flippant at times.....Loneliness sucks....and you feel a breadcrumb is better than starving....

 

Thanks for understanding. Yes, loneliness does suck, and that's a great way to put it: a breadcrumb is better than starving. That's EXACTLY how it feels. I'm sorry that you're feeling it too. I don't know that there's a much worse feeling than lonliness.

[ThatwasThen]

When you love yourself enough to realize that a breadcrumb will do nothing to sustain you, that is when you'll understand the negative of such meager offerings.

[boltnrun]

So a man who sat at home all day drinking is the man who you thought you were sooo lucky to find and made you feel you hit the jackpot or something???

 

I'm scratching my head.

 

Or was it just his good looks that made you feel that way? I know you speak of a "connection", but you also have mentioned his good looks. Like, a lot.

 

I see now why you are so attached to him. You found a guy who sat at home and did nothing, just like you do. PLUS, he is good looking, so you got that too. But see, he moved on and started at least doing SOMETHING with his life (full-time job), while you stayed the same. Of course you lost that "connection"!

 

And I can see you still want him back. Even though you say he's bad for you, you "couldn't" take him back after he's been with someone else (even though you always did before, giving lie to this "connection" that you say the two of you felt, because a man who is "connected" to a woman does not seek out other women), I think you would take him back if he said the right things (after "fussing" at him for a few hours, that is).

 

But, luckily for you, he's not trying. I say luckily because if he did start calling again I think you'd never leave home. You'd just be sitting there all day waiting for his calls.

 

I have to ask, do you have ANY desire to see the world beyond the inside of your house and the front porch? Is there NOWHERE that you think "I'd like to see that" or "I'd like to go there"? Or are you content with the house and the front porch and what you look at on your phone and laptop?

[reinventmyself]

You refer to how anxious and stuck you, yet with medication and therapy you could get un stuck. Unless . . .You don't want to. You mentioned something to the effect of not wanting to give in to medication. Why is that? Pride?

[lostlove76]

You refer to how anxious and stuck you, yet with medication and therapy you could get un stuck. Unless . . .You don't want to. You mentioned something to the effect of not wanting to give in to medication. Why is that? Pride?

 

No, not pride. Honestly? It's just a hassle. Going to the doctor every few months for refills, remembering to take it every day, feeling slight withdrawals if I do forget (they're not horrible, but noticeable). I think if I just had it in front of me right now, with no doctor visits, I would take it. So I guess that's what is holding me back.

 

And maybe I'm ever so slightly afraid to be happy. I don't know what it feels like anymore not to worry every single day and fret over everything and feel sad and depressed and anxious. If I'm suddenly happy, then what? I know that sounds stupid, and I'm not even sure why I feel that way. It just occurred to me.

[lostlove76]

So a man who sat at home all day drinking is the man who you thought you were sooo lucky to find and made you feel you hit the jackpot or something???

 

I'm scratching my head.

 

Or was it just his good looks that made you feel that way? I know you speak of a "connection", but you also have mentioned his good looks. Like, a lot.

 

I see now why you are so attached to him. You found a guy who sat at home and did nothing, just like you do. PLUS, he is good looking, so you got that too. But see, he moved on and started at least doing SOMETHING with his life (full-time job), while you stayed the same. Of course you lost that "connection"!

 

Honestly, I do think that maybe his looks have a lot to do with it. I've thought about that before. If he didn't look the way he looks, would I be so into him? Probably not. I don't know if that's normal, or shallow of me, or what. But he is the most beautiful person I've ever seen in my life. He's adorable. He's perfect. And then on top of that was the emotional connection, so it's not JUST looks. He's the sweetest thing in the world (when he's not being cold). He's very smart and very funny. I could go on and on about all his good qualities. But yes, looks have a lot to do with it, and I don't know how to get past that.

 

And I can see you still want him back. Even though you say he's bad for you, you "couldn't" take him back after he's been with someone else (even though you always did before, giving lie to this "connection" that you say the two of you felt, because a man who is "connected" to a woman does not seek out other women), I think you would take him back if he said the right things (after "fussing" at him for a few hours, that is).

 

But, luckily for you, he's not trying. I say luckily because if he did start calling again I think you'd never leave home. You'd just be sitting there all day waiting for his calls.

 

I do want him back I've spent the past two months - and even before that - trying to convince myself that I don't. I KNOW how unhealthy for me he is. And yet I want him back. Why???

 

I don't know anymore what I would do if he calls. At this point, I may end up talking to him just to make this awful pain go away. But he's not calling. And it appears that trashy girl is right back there where he lives, according to her pictures, which I know I shouldn't be looking at. It felt SO good to see that she left. But now she's back. They haven't added each other back on facebook, but I can't imagine she'd be down there without being with him, because she has nowhere else to stay. So now I'm feeling all upset again, and seriously just about to resign myself to feeling miserable over him forever.

 

I have to ask, do you have ANY desire to see the world beyond the inside of your house and the front porch? Is there NOWHERE that you think "I'd like to see that" or "I'd like to go there"? Or are you content with the house and the front porch and what you look at on your phone and laptop?

 

There are a lot of places I would love to go, and I WOULD go, if not for the lack of two things: Money, and someone to go with.

[boltnrun]

I presume "someone to go with" means a man.

 

You've mentioned friends. Would none of your friends be up for a day trip or a road trip? I do that with my friends.

 

Unless you're not interested if it doesn't include a man at your side.

 

Don't limit yourself. I go LOTS of places either alone or with friends. It does not bother me one bit to go to a bar or restaurant or shopping area by myself. I do it weekly.

 

How about going to a local cafe, coffee house or bakery with your laptop, just to get out of the house? I do that often, and it really is relaxing. I don't feel weird because there are lots of people there alone with their tablets or laptops. I order a cup of tea and a croissant and just relax, listen to the music (the local French cafe plays beautiful music) and surf the net.

 

Try it! I promise you'll love it.

 

And you want him back because without him you have nothing. Literally nothing. And that's what happens when we don't build a life for ourselves. If you make ONE person your entire world and that person leaves for whatever reason, what do you do then? That has to be what you need to figure out.

[browneyedgirl36]

Honestly, I do think that maybe his looks have a lot to do with it. I've thought about that before. If he didn't look the way he looks, would I be so into him? Probably not. I don't know if that's normal, or shallow of me, or what. But he is the most beautiful person I've ever seen in my life. He's adorable. He's perfect. And then on top of that was the emotional connection, so it's not JUST looks. He's the sweetest thing in the world (when he's not being cold). He's very smart and very funny. I could go on and on about all his good qualities. But yes, looks have a lot to do with it, and I don't know how to get past that.

 

 

 

I do want him back I've spent the past two months - and even before that - trying to convince myself that I don't. I KNOW how unhealthy for me he is. And yet I want him back. Why???

 

I don't know anymore what I would do if he calls. At this point, I may end up talking to him just to make this awful pain go away. But he's not calling. And it appears that trashy girl is right back there where he lives, according to her pictures, which I know I shouldn't be looking at. It felt SO good to see that she left. But now she's back. They haven't added each other back on facebook, but I can't imagine she'd be down there without being with him, because she has nowhere else to stay. So now I'm feeling all upset again, and seriously just about to resign myself to feeling miserable over him forever.

 

 

There are a lot of places I would love to go, and I WOULD go, if not for the lack of two things: Money, and someone to go with.

 

 

My ex, at the time I was seeing him, was by far the most attractive guy who had ever been interested in me, so I DO get that. And, I THOUGHT -- convinced myself, really -- that he had all sorts of other good qualities -- was funny, interesting, caring, blah, blah, blah. The thing is, those other good qualities, in reality, either weren't really there OR became so overshadowed by his arrogance, his manipulative and subtly emotionally abusive ways, etc. that I had to conclude that, really, it was the physical chemistry -- coupled with this crappy intermittent reinforcement stuff he pulled on me -- that kept me hanging on. I suspect this guy isn't nearly as adorable as you think he is. He's actually extremely dysfunctional, and I think you're letting the physical attraction make you forget that.

 

 

*SIGH* I'm very fearful for you that if he DOES call, you will be miserable forever, even if it SEEMS at first that you're happy. It will only all repeat itself again, and again, and every time it does, you'll be more and more miserable. You have given so much power to this guy. Unless you get it back, you'll never be happy -- or even content.

 

 

Ahhh....OK, I'm going to (gently) call total b.s. on the last part of this post. Even at the start of my career, when I had no money, I still managed to take small trips. I always figured out how to do it -- even just a visit to a family member in another town or an overnight trip somewhere. All it cost me was the cost of a tank or two of gas. And someone to go with? Ah, my dear, you have NO idea how many vacations I went on completely solo -- even to Hawaii -- or with a close girlfriend or a tour group. Certainly, going solo isn't ideal for most people (though introverted me kinda liked it!) but it can be VERY relaxing and even fun. Yes, sometimes, I wished for a man to travel with, but there was NO way I was giving up travel just because there was no man around to go with me. Saying, "I have no one to go with" is just an excuse. I think you know that, deep down.

 

I truly believe that, if we want something badly enough, we will make it happen (there are exceptions, of course -- like I'd love to be able to fly like a bird, but that ain't happening!) BUT....that's the key -- investing enough in ourselves to make it happen. You COULD travel. You COULD get some sort of job. You COULD find another man, down the road (not now -- you need recovery time!) None of these things is unrealistic. You just have to want it enough to figure out how to make it happen.

[lostlove76]

I presume "someone to go with" means a man.

 

You've mentioned friends. Would none of your friends be up for a day trip or a road trip? I do that with my friends.

 

Unless you're not interested if it doesn't include a man at your side.

 

Don't limit yourself. I go LOTS of places either alone or with friends. It does not bother me one bit to go to a bar or restaurant or shopping area by myself. I do it weekly.

 

How about going to a local cafe, coffee house or bakery with your laptop, just to get out of the house? I do that often, and it really is relaxing. I don't feel weird because there are lots of people there alone with their tablets or laptops. I order a cup of tea and a croissant and just relax, listen to the music (the local French cafe plays beautiful music) and surf the net.

 

Try it! I promise you'll love it.

 

I wish that I could go places by myself, bolt, but I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb being alone. It feels very weird to me. Insecurity, I guess. I do have friends, but the friends I talk to every day don't live here. I have one friend who lives here, and she's always asking me to go out and do things. But to be honest, she talks a lot and laughs a lot, and I'm just kind of not in the mood. It's exhausting trying to pretend to be happy when I'm not. She's too high-energy for me at the moment. I would enjoy going some places with my mom, because I can be totally myself around her no matter what mood I'm in, but she's always busy with other things.

 

And you want him back because without him you have nothing. Literally nothing. And that's what happens when we don't build a life for ourselves. If you make ONE person your entire world and that person leaves for whatever reason, what do you do then? That has to be what you need to figure out.

 

Do you think I'll ever get over him??? I don't feel like I'm going to. I'm becoming embarrassed airing all my feelings publicly like this when I'm not making any progress, but at least it's anonymous. I'm sitting here crying because she went back. I know I did it to myself. I know you guys have tried to get me to stop. I just can't seem to stop looking, or caring. If I didn't care so much, then I wouldn't look, and that's where the problem lies. I still care way too much what he's doing and who he's doing it with. Because if he's with her, then he certainly won't be calling me. I miss what we had (the good parts). I can't say for sure that I wouldn't still be feeling this way if I had more going on in life. I mentioned before, I think, but I see people on here all the time who have full time jobs and kids and friends and activities, and they're still feeling just as bad as I am months after the breakup. It kills me that she went back. If it weren't for her, he wouldn't have completely given up on me. I know he wouldn't, because for 2 years there were other girls he was looking at or flirting with or being with during our off times (sounds so horrible, I know) and yet he still kept trying to call me, even when I was ignoring him. But then SHE showed up, and I no longer meant anything to him at all. Like why her? Out of all people, why her. Probably because of how SHE looks. He probably feels the same way about her that I feel about him.

[browneyedgirl36]

I wish that I could go places by myself, bolt, but I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb being alone. It feels very weird to me. Insecurity, I guess. I do have friends, but the friends I talk to every day don't live here. I have one friend who lives here, and she's always asking me to go out and do things. But to be honest, she talks a lot and laughs a lot, and I'm just kind of not in the mood. It's exhausting trying to pretend to be happy when I'm not. She's too high-energy for me at the moment. I would enjoy going some places with my mom, because I can be totally myself around her no matter what mood I'm in, but she's always busy with other things.

 

 

 

Do you think I'll ever get over him??? I don't feel like I'm going to. I'm becoming embarrassed airing all my feelings publicly like this when I'm not making any progress, but at least it's anonymous. I'm sitting here crying because she went back. I know I did it to myself. I know you guys have tried to get me to stop. I just can't seem to stop looking, or caring. If I didn't care so much, then I wouldn't look, and that's where the problem lies. I still care way too much what he's doing and who he's doing it with. Because if he's with her, then he certainly won't be calling me. I miss what we had (the good parts). I can't say for sure that I wouldn't still be feeling this way if I had more going on in life. I mentioned before, I think, but I see people on here all the time who have full time jobs and kids and friends and activities, and they're still feeling just as bad as I am months after the breakup. It kills me that she went back. If it weren't for her, he wouldn't have completely given up on me. I know he wouldn't, because for 2 years there were other girls he was looking at or flirting with or being with during our off times (sounds so horrible, I know) and yet he still kept trying to call me, even when I was ignoring him. But then SHE showed up, and I no longer meant anything to him at all. Like why her? Out of all people, why her. Probably because of how SHE looks. He probably feels the same way about her that I feel about him.

 

You can get over him. But only if you want to. And, right now, you don't want to. Bottom line.

 

So much is revealed in your posts about how you feel about yourself. No one-- NO ONE -- but you can fix that. No guy -- especially not this loser -- is going to fix it. You will NOT be magically transformed into a happy person if he comes back. I ABSOLUTELY 100% GUARANTEE IT.

 

Yes, there are people on here with jobs and friends and social activities who are still hung up on exes for quite some time, but usually, real life steps in and forces them to focus on other stuff. Then, gradually, they WANT to focus on other stuff, and they move on. You're holding onto nothing because without it, you have nothing. Do you see how absurd this sounds?

 

Nothing will get better until you want to help yourself. Until you really, truly care enough about yourself to want to change. One thing you need to do is stop focusing on the other woman and blaming her because you aren't with him. Even if she were nowhere in sight, your relationship with this guy still would be very unhealthy.

[lostlove76]

My ex, at the time I was seeing him, was by far the most attractive guy who had ever been interested in me, so I DO get that. And, I THOUGHT -- convinced myself, really -- that he had all sorts of other good qualities -- was funny, interesting, caring, blah, blah, blah. The thing is, those other good qualities, in reality, either weren't really there OR became so overshadowed by his arrogance, his manipulative and subtly emotionally abusive ways, etc. that I had to conclude that, really, it was the physical chemistry -- coupled with this crappy intermittent reinforcement stuff he pulled on me -- that kept me hanging on. I suspect this guy isn't nearly as adorable as you think he is. He's actually extremely dysfunctional, and I think you're letting the physical attraction make you forget that.

 

Okay, thanks for getting it, and I'm glad I'm not the only one. It feels a bit shallow, but it is what it is. I think at this point it's obvious that I'm hanging on to a fantasy, given that I haven't even SEEN him in, gosh, 10 months now. How sad is that. You're right that I'm letting the physical attraction override all the horrible things about him and the way he treated me. I just don't know how to stop myself from doing that. I've tried SO hard to focus on all the bad; and there is SO much bad. And yet I still want him. I don't even know why I've always claimed that he's a good person. I saw a lot of compassion in him, but never for me. He truly seems to be lacking of any empathy or conscience whatsoever -- well, he doesn't have it for the women he dates, but he does have it for other people.

 

*SIGH* I'm very fearful for you that if he DOES call, you will be miserable forever, even if it SEEMS at first that you're happy. It will only all repeat itself again, and again, and every time it does, you'll be more and more miserable. You have given so much power to this guy. Unless you get it back, you'll never be happy -- or even content.

 

That's why I ended it for good, because I felt I would always be miserable forever. I hoped that I would eventually quit caring about him, and then I would feel a lot better. But it hasn't happened yet.

 

Ahhh....OK, I'm going to (gently) call total b.s. on the last part of this post. Even at the start of my career, when I had no money, I still managed to take small trips. I always figured out how to do it -- even just a visit to a family member in another town or an overnight trip somewhere. All it cost me was the cost of a tank or two of gas. And someone to go with? Ah, my dear, you have NO idea how many vacations I went on completely solo -- even to Hawaii -- or with a close girlfriend or a tour group. Certainly, going solo isn't ideal for most people (though introverted me kinda liked it!) but it can be VERY relaxing and even fun. Yes, sometimes, I wished for a man to travel with, but there was NO way I was giving up travel just because there was no man around to go with me. Saying, "I have no one to go with" is just an excuse. I think you know that, deep down.

 

I truly believe that, if we want something badly enough, we will make it happen (there are exceptions, of course -- like I'd love to be able to fly like a bird, but that ain't happening!) BUT....that's the key -- investing enough in ourselves to make it happen. You COULD travel. You COULD get some sort of job. You COULD find another man, down the road (not now -- you need recovery time!) None of these things is unrealistic. You just have to want it enough to figure out how to make it happen.

 

Thank you for being gentle. Thank all of you for being so gentle! I'm feeling very sensitive right now, so I really really appreciate the kindness. I know that I am frustrating.

 

I can't in a million years imagine taking a solo vacation. I hate to keep naming obstacles, but there are just so many of them.

 

But I agree that I have to want these things enough to figure out a way to make them happen.

[lostlove76]

You can get over him. But only if you want to. And, right now, you don't want to. Bottom line.

 

So much is revealed in your posts about how you feel about yourself. No one-- NO ONE -- but you can fix that. No guy -- especially not this loser -- is going to fix it. You will NOT be magically transformed into a happy person if he comes back. I ABSOLUTELY 100% GUARANTEE IT.

 

Yes, there are people on here with jobs and friends and social activities who are still hung up on exes for quite some time, but usually, real life steps in and forces them to focus on other stuff. Then, gradually, they WANT to focus on other stuff, and they move on. You're holding onto nothing because without it, you have nothing. Do you see how absurd this sounds?

 

Nothing will get better until you want to help yourself. Until you really, truly care enough about yourself to want to change. One thing you need to do is stop focusing on the other woman and blaming her because you aren't with him. Even if she were nowhere in sight, your relationship with this guy still would be very unhealthy.

 

I guess you're right that I don't want to get over him. I just want HIM. I don't want to continue to be miserable, so in that sense I do wish I could get over him. I've been waiting for it to just magically happen. Because I would think that after a long period of not having someone in your life, you would eventually just stop caring about them. Wouldn't you think so?? It just seems that you would, when you never see this person or talk to them at all. And yet my feelings remain. It's been about 2 months now since I last talked to him.

 

I feel almost angry that someone like her gets to have him and I don't. She's not a good person. And she's MARRIED. This sounds so very whiny, but it's just not fair. (Of course, no one thinks he's a catch but me.) I do focus too much on her. I'm trying to remind myself that it couldn't work anyways, because he doesn't live here anymore and that's not going to change. Even without all the other dozens of problems, the distance would keep things from working. So even if she wasn't in the picture, he would still be there and I would still be here.

[lostlove76]

Having a rough night, so I guess I'll write some more just to sort through my thoughts. I just ran up to the store, and it took me an hour to talk myself into going because I was feeling anxious. It's only 5 minutes down the road, but I worry that I'll start having too much anxiety while driving and there won't be anywhere to safely pull over. I almost didn't go, but I did, and I did feel anxious all the way there and all the way back. So much so that I was crying on the way back. It's embarrassing for me to tell this stuff, but I've already told lots of other embarrassing things so I guess it doesn't matter. Just as long as no one I know ever finds this. Anyway, what should be a quick and simple trip was a very unpleasant ordeal. Sometimes I think I'm just being lazy and taking the easy way out by living my life the way I do, and then something like this happens and I remember why I got in this position in the first place.

 

Some days are worse than others. Yesterday I felt relatively okay, and I went to the same store with no anxiety at all. The reason I was having such a hard time tonight is because I saw that she's back in his town. Everyone keeps telling me to stop looking, and I wish it were that easy. This analogy gets used a lot, but it truly is like a gambling addiction. Every time I look, I'm plugging dollars into the slot machine, waiting for some payoff while getting further and further in the hole. Finally I got a big payoff when I saw that they seemingly broke up and she went home. I felt it was then safe to keep looking for more payoffs (more proof that they're actually apart and staying apart). But now I see that she's gone back, and it really did me in. My moods are being completely controlled by whether they're together or not.

 

I feel like in order to move on, I have to truly accept that things are over with us - and I don't know how to do that. For two years, he kept coming back and coming back. He was always the one pursuing except for a short time in the beginning. I would "end things" and he would keep calling and calling. So it's hard for me to believe that after two years of that, he's suddenly done and won't be coming back anymore. When I ended things for good this last time, I think I really thought that he wouldn't actually give up. And he wouldn't have, if not for her. Yet still to this day, I'm halfway expecting that surely he'll call soon. Since I want him back, and I'm used to him coming back, it's just really hard to accept that it's not going to happen. So this false hope is really keeping me stuck.

 

My parents are out of town for a few days, but when they get home I will talk to my mom again about counseling and anxiety meds. When I hit a low like this, I really feel like I need it and I'm willing to go for it. Then when I start feeling a little better, I start thinking maybe I don't need it after all, maybe I can wait it out and do it on my own. But right now I'm really feeling like I need it.

[lostlove76]

Yesterday he was flirting heavily with this girl on Facebook who is a mutual friend. This is the same thing that happened a while back, same girl... She posted about desperately wanting to meet her soulmate and have a baby. And he told her to come to his town, winky face. She said she wished she could (she was being polite), and he said she can do anything she wants to, that it's better to just go for it and not have regrets. So yesterday afternoon, he's telling this girl (who lives here) to come down there. And today it looks like trashy girl is back in town. I don't understand how that happened.

[annie24]

Hon - stop monitoring him. It's not going to make you feel better.