The Ups and Downs of Loving a Commitment-Phobe

[lostlove76]

I have to write things down, too. Not silly at all. Sometimes the only way I can get things done is to write out a detailed plan or to-do list. It gives a nice sense of accomplishment when you get to mark things off.

 

I'm glad you have a long-term relationship with one therapist who you can trust and who knows all of your "issues" inside and out. I liked the last one I went to (years ago), but after several months, he told me he wouldn't see me again until I found a full-time job - that was his main focus, even though I preferred to work on emotional issues. Great way to help someone with abandonment issues, ya know?! He wanted me to come for a final session to kind of tidy up loose ends before we took a "break," and I called back before the final appointment and told him to just forget it, I wasn't coming back to him ever.

 

Thank you for your kind concern and for your gentle push towards helping myself with therapy. I'm so so glad that you're feeling better. You're so sweet here on the threads, helping others even when you're going through something of your own. I just hate for you to be where I've been for the last couple of months, so I'm happy to see you improving And you're right, it's never a straight line, so you still might have a few ups and downs. But it sounds like you will continue to move forward and come out the other side of this relatively soon.

[reinventmyself]

I have to write things down, too. Not silly at all. Sometimes the only way I can get things done is to write out a detailed plan or to-do list. It gives a nice sense of accomplishment when you get to mark things off.

 

I'm glad you have a long-term relationship with one therapist who you can trust and who knows all of your "issues" inside and out. I liked the last one I went to (years ago), but after several months, he told me he wouldn't see me again until I found a full-time job - that was his main focus, even though I preferred to work on emotional issues. Great way to help someone with abandonment issues, ya know?! He wanted me to come for a final session to kind of tidy up loose ends before we took a "break," and I called back before the final appointment and told him to just forget it, I wasn't coming back to him ever.

 

Thank you for your kind concern and for your gentle push towards helping myself with therapy. I'm so so glad that you're feeling better. You're so sweet here on the threads, helping others even when you're going through something of your own. I just hate for you to be where I've been for the last couple of months, so I'm happy to see you improving

 

((hugs)) I wish there was something more I can say. I'd like to see you moving forward.

 

Please ask for help. You deserve it. And yes that seems unethical for that therapist to put conditions on your treatment. Bizarre at least. I did see another therapist for a short time when I couldn't see the one I liked. I have since gone back and I realize I am fortunate that he is such a good fit for me. I don't hear many stories of bad fits. I think there are a lot of great ones out there but you need to pick up the phone in order to find one

[lostlove76]

((hugs)) I wish there was something more I can say. I'd like to see you moving forward.

 

Please ask for help. You deserve it. And yes that seems unethical for that therapist to put conditions on your treatment. Bizarre at least. I did see another therapist for a short time when I couldn't see the one I liked. I have since gone back and I realize I am fortunate that he is such a good fit for me. I don't hear many stories of bad fits. I think there are a lot of great ones out there but you need to pick up the phone in order to find one

 

Thanks Reinvent, and hugs to you too I will be okay. I know you guys are running out of things to say, but I just appreciate that you've all stuck with me here for so long and not lost patience. Sometimes all I need is to vent things out, or express my feelings just to get through the moment. But you all have offered more than that, as well - so much wisdom and advice. And like I've said before, none of it has gone wasted. I'm moving at a slow pace, but I've learned a lot here. So thank you all

[ThatwasThen]

Actually, it's not unethical or bizarre at all. suspect that He was seeing codependency in the therapy dynamic and was likely pushing you to end the doctor/client relationship so that you DIDN'T feel abandoned simply because you did the severing. If his ultimatum worked or it didn't work it was a win/win for both.

 

That's why its important that you don't get with a therapist that isn't proficient in codependency issues. Enabling you won't do anything to advance you out of the condition. Do you see?

[lostlove76]

Actually, it's not unethical or bizarre at all. suspect that He was seeing codependency in the therapy dynamic and was likely pushing you to end the doctor/client relationship so that you DIDN'T feel abandoned simply because you did the severing. If his ultimatum worked or it didn't work it was a win/win for both.

 

That's why its important that you don't get with a therapist that isn't proficient in codependency issues. Enabling you won't do anything to advance you out of the condition. Do you see?

 

I see what you're saying, but I honestly wasn't codependent on him at all. I just needed a sounding board and some feedback. I didn't get emotionally involved or dependent on my sessions. I promise! I would be able to recognize it if I did, but I just didn't. I wanted help with family and relationship dynamics, and he was more focused on me getting a job right from the get go.

[boltnrun]

I am going to ask you a rude question, so I hope I do not offend you. Feel free to tell me it's none of my business. But...

 

What do you do with your days? If you don't work or go to school, how do you productively fill your time?

 

I'm curious because, as many have said, idle time enables you to sit and stew and obsess about your ex and this other woman. But if you filled your days with work or school or activities, you'd have little or no time to keep checking Facebook, the dating site and your phone. And I think you wrote in someone else's thread that on the nights he used to call you keep your phone in your hand at all times, hoping he calls.

 

So, what do you do to fill your days?

[lostlove76]

That's not a rude question, but it's an embarrassing answer. I really don't do all that much. Piddly things. I waste waaaaay too much time on my phone, playing on Facebook, and now reading stories on here constantly. I don't know if I said I keep my phone in my hand hoping he'll call. It's just always in my hands regardless. (Although I do still sometimes "wait" for that call at night, since it was a habit for so long - maybe that's what I said, I don't remember). I do a lot of thinking. Like I've said, I'm very introverted and I'm always thinking thinking thinking. I have a few friends who I text on and off all day long. Honestly, that probably is 90% of the problem - the fact that I have so much time on my hands. It's not the full problem, because even when I was working some right during/after the final breakup, I was having a lot of anxiety over it while working. That particular kind of anxiety has diminished a whole lot, btw. I hate to say it, but I'm lazy, which perhaps comes from being somewhat depressed. There are lots of things I could be doing. Procrastination is another problem I have, as I've also mentioned. Once I start a project or book or hobby, I'm usually all in it, as long as it captures my interest in the beginning. It's just a matter of getting started! I was the type of person in college who waited until literally the night before a big test to study or even read the material. It's a problem, always has been.

[lostlove76]

I'll add one more thing to the above, something I do all day that I'm not proud of. I smoke, so I sit outside a lot smoking cigarettes. So awful, and I need to quit. But I just looooove sitting outside by myself, smoking cigarettes and reading on my phone or journaling or just thinking. It's so very peaceful. So I'm in and out of the house all day and all night, til I go to bed, which is late because I have trouble falling asleep and I just love being up at night while the world is quiet.

[boltnrun]

Do you like your life the way it is?

 

Many, many years from now, when you're nearing the end of your life and reflecting, do you think you'll feel a sense of accomplishment? Or do you think you might feel like you had a lot of years where you could have been accomplishing something but didn't because you let anxiety or complacency rule?

 

I understand about fear, because I have a couple of huge fears. One is heights. I am absolutely TERRIFIED of heights. I will NOT drive over a bridge, and I'm not fond of high freeway overpasses. But, I forced myself to go up on some very high local landmarks. I was scared and nervous and felt kind of sick, but I've decided that I will not allow fear to rule my life. I believe the only way to overcome something is to confront it head on, so I do. And one time I had to take one of my kids somewhere that required me to drive over a big bridge. I was shaking and fearful, but I did it because I had to, or else turn around and go home, and that wasn't an option.

 

Another fear is snakes, but I'm content to leave that one alone lol!

 

Another thought... maybe this is why this breakup is so consuming for you, and why your ex seems to be able to move on so easily. To you, he was your entire world. To him, you were a pleasant part of his life that he enjoyed, but you weren't his ENTIRE world. If you put every single one of your hopes and dreams into the hands of one person and they leave or let you down or don't honor you, your life essentially ends, at least figuratively. And it just wasn't that way for him. He has other things going on in his life, so he just continues with those things and feels free to add or subtract women as he sees fit. His way isn't particularly healthy either, but since he has other things such as work and friends, he can fill his time better.

 

So...are you content living your years out the way you currently are? Do you want to make any changes? Or are you depending on eventually finding another man to fill your life so you won't have to do anything different?

[browneyedgirl36]

Do you like your life the way it is?

 

Many, many years from now, when you're nearing the end of your life and reflecting, do you think you'll feel a sense of accomplishment? Or do you think you might feel like you had a lot of years where you could have been accomplishing something but didn't because you let anxiety or complacency rule?

 

I understand about fear, because I have a couple of huge fears. One is heights. I am absolutely TERRIFIED of heights. I will NOT drive over a bridge, and I'm not fond of high freeway overpasses. But, I forced myself to go up on some very high local landmarks. I was scared and nervous and felt kind of sick, but I've decided that I will not allow fear to rule my life. I believe the only way to overcome something is to confront it head on, so I do. And one time I had to take one of my kids somewhere that required me to drive over a big bridge. I was shaking and fearful, but I did it because I had to, or else turn around and go home, and that wasn't an option.

 

Another fear is snakes, but I'm content to leave that one alone lol!

 

Another thought... maybe this is why this breakup is so consuming for you, and why your ex seems to be able to move on so easily. To you, he was your entire world. To him, you were a pleasant part of his life that he enjoyed, but you weren't his ENTIRE world. If you put every single one of your hopes and dreams into the hands of one person and they leave or let you down or don't honor you, your life essentially ends, at least figuratively. And it just wasn't that way for him. He has other things going on in his life, so he just continues with those things and feels free to add or subtract women as he sees fit. His way isn't particularly healthy either, but since he has other things such as work and friends, he can fill his time better.

 

So...are you content living your years out the way you currently are? Do you want to make any changes? Or are you depending on eventually finding another man to fill your life so you won't have to do anything different?

 

Great insights here.

 

One of the things I realized about why I was hanging on to my ex: My world had become VERY small. Sure, I had a great career and friends, and good health, but...I was focusing almost solely on my job and, being an introvert, not really hanging out with my friends as much as I really should have been. I would go to work, come home, work on work-related stuff, surf the net, and go to bed, with some exercise interspersed in there a few times a week. When my ex came along, I didn't have much going on in my life -- nothing exciting, anyway -- and I felt like I wasn't accomplishing anything significant. When all the drama was going on with my ex, I think I hung on because I feared I'd have nothing if I let go -- nothing to focus on. Gradually, as I was forced to let go of him, my world became a lot bigger. I made new friends, started running (and ended up doing half marathons and a marathon!) bought a house, joined some groups, took up a few hobbies, traveled. As my world became bigger, the importance of my ex diminished. Once he was gone for good from it, I barely noticed his absence.

 

It took me a long time to get there, though, and one thing that helped was therapy, and a therapist who was extremely blunt with me and told me that I was hung up on my ex because I didn't have enough going on in my life. She told me, "You need to have more going on in your life. If you did, you wouldn't care so much about that guy." She was right.

 

I hope this isn't over-stepping, and you don't have to answer if you don't feel comfortable, but is there a reason you don't work? (If you do, and I missed something, I apologize.) For most people, having some sort of job to go to, even part time, helps with keeping the mind focused on other things. When I read what you said you do in a day, I admit, my first reaction was, "Well, no wonder she's thinking about her ex all the time! She has her phone in her hand constantly!" Do you go out and exercise -- even just brisk walking? If not, it would be great for you, but you need to do it without your phone in your hand. Do you just go to a coffee shop for coffee and maybe to journal? If not, that would also be great for you, but without your phone in your hand.

 

I understand you had a bad experience with your previous therapist. I had an iffy one, too, that I went to in my 20's, who was NO help at all and was actually really cold and had a terrible "bedside manner." I practically hated her after the second session, and I quit going. But...there are a lot of good ones out there, and it's worth doing. I've always been extremely resourceful and have always been good at helping myself get moving when I'm in a funk, but...as resilient and resourceful as I am, I benefited tremendously from therapy. I know I sound like a HUGE broken record, but...I really think you need guidance to get your life moving forward -- professional guidance -- more than we can offer here (though we're all happy to help and offer encouragement).

 

So, yeah...I think your world needs to be a LOT bigger. If it was, you could put this guy in the rearview mirror where he belongs.

[lostlove76]

You always make really good points, bolt, and ask great questions. If you and I were real-life friends, I could totally help you get over your fear of snakes. They aren't so bad Lol. But that's the thing, I guess, our fears aren't always rational huh. What's scary to one of us is a piece of cake to the other.

 

Do you like your life the way it is?

I would say that I'm content with it. I don't have to answer to anyone, don't have many responsibilities, don't have to be anywhere at any certain time (for the most part). I've learned to live simply and with less, and I feel okay with that. Sure, I would like to have money to go places and buy new clothes and drive a nice car and such. But if it's between working my butt off (or more specifically, experiencing all the anxiety that comes along with that) to have nice things versus doing without and living my life the way I want, I choose the latter. HOWEVER, I can't realistically do this forever; my parents won't always be here, and that scares me. I'm not being a responsible adult like I need to be. I also recognize that the reason I've allowed myself to become content with this lifestyle is because I've always avoided things out of fear, like you're talking about.

 

Many, many years from now, when you're nearing the end of your life and reflecting, do you think you'll feel a sense of accomplishment? Or do you think you might feel like you had a lot of years where you could have been accomplishing something but didn't because you let anxiety or complacency rule?

I already have a lot of regrets. I'm missing out on so many things, and wasting my days away. There are things I would really like to do, and I don't even bother with it because I don't want to face the anxiety of stepping out of my comfort zone. Anxiety is a b****h, isn't it?? It makes things a million times more difficult than they should be. I really don't want to look back one day and hate myself for all I missed out on, and for all the responsibilities that I avoided.

 

Another thought... maybe this is why this breakup is so consuming for you, and why your ex seems to be able to move on so easily. To you, he was your entire world. To him, you were a pleasant part of his life that he enjoyed, but you weren't his ENTIRE world. If you put every single one of your hopes and dreams into the hands of one person and they leave or let you down or don't honor you, your life essentially ends, at least figuratively. And it just wasn't that way for him. He has other things going on in his life, so he just continues with those things and feels free to add or subtract women as he sees fit. His way isn't particularly healthy either, but since he has other things such as work and friends, he can fill his time better.

Another excellent point, and I agree.

(But then why are there so many people who do have full days and busy lives who are finding it just as difficult as I am to move on from someone?)

 

So...are you content living your years out the way you currently are? Do you want to make any changes? Or are you depending on eventually finding another man to fill your life so you won't have to do anything different?

I'm content day-by-day. I don't think into the future much, and maybe that's the problem. I just let each day pass, same as the last. Long term, no, I'm not content with continuing this way of living.

 

I'm not depending on finding someone to fill my life, because I honestly don't think I'll find anyone else. I feel pretty sure I'm going to grow old alone (scary and depressing thought). But IF I could find someone, I feel like I would then be happy; and if I was happy, I would have more energy and drive to do more things. I know that's backwards from how it's "supposed" to be, but it's how I feel. When things were going well between he and I when he lived here, especially at the very beginning, I did a lot more than I do now - because I felt happy and excited and uplifted. My life was a lot more balanced than it is now. Not up to par with how most people live their lives, but way better than it is now. But the problem is.... I'm not going to be able to find someone again to make me happy! So I can't count on that.

[annie24]

are you on anti-anxiety medication? That might help.

[Realitynut]

lol....I think we suggested to LL to get out and go for a walk 1500+ posts ago!!

 

That is half of my issue also. I have so much to do....but sit on here most of the time....and life is passing me by. When I was with my ex...I DID things with him. Going kayaking without him holds less appeal, even tho I do it. Yes....LL....there is NOTHING like the feeling of being in love....and the feeling of being LOVED in return. But it's been a very long time since you've felt loved. And you'll never meet a guy sitting on your front porch smoking cigarettes and playing on your phone....unless you want a 23 year old!

[Realitynut]

I would say that I'm content with it. I don't have to answer to anyone, don't have many responsibilities, don't have to be anywhere at any certain time...

 

I guess you are lucky your parents are enablers!!

[annie24]

I would say that I'm content with it. I don't have to answer to anyone, don't have many responsibilities, don't have to be anywhere at any certain time...

 

I guess you are lucky your parents are enablers!!

 

Yeah, I'm a bit worried about that - unless your parents are very wealthy, I'm not sure how this is a viable long-term plan. As our parents age, they might need more help, might need to have medical care.... If they die and leave you the house and all their money, is that going to be enough for you to live on for the rest of your life?

[lostlove76]

When all the drama was going on with my ex, I think I hung on because I feared I'd have nothing if I let go -- nothing to focus on.

YES!, that is exactly how I have felt, too. Even now that it's over and he's not a part of my life anymore, if I give up all the wishing and hoping and analyzing and memories and what-if's and all the rest of it, then what is left? Nothing is left. Just a great big empty hole.

 

I hope this isn't over-stepping, and you don't have to answer if you don't feel comfortable, but is there a reason you don't work? (If you do, and I missed something, I apologize.)

I don't mind questions, it's okay. There are three reasons I'm not working (well, I do some part-time stuff, but it doesn't add up to much):

1) Anxiety - Driving anxiety is a biggie, just getting back and forth to anywhere not right around the corner is going to be a problem. Interview anxiety to even get a job. General anxiety throughout the day if I haven't slept well enough the night before. Anxiety over starting something new. Etc.

2) Who is going to hire me, since I have such huge gaps in my resume? I've had jobs before, actually. But it's been a while since I've worked full-time, and how can I even begin to account for that on a resume or in an interview?

3) I will admit that my parents make it way too easy for me. They don't give me money, but I live here rent-free, and if I absolutely need to go somewhere and I feel uncomfortable driving, they will take me. So I guess they are the definition of enablers.

 

So, yeah...I think your world needs to be a LOT bigger.

I agree! Sometimes I "forget" to think of it this way, even though I'm aware of it, because I just get so caught up in focusing on HIM. So the reminder is a good one, thank you (and thank you, too, bolt).

[lostlove76]

are you on anti-anxiety medication? That might help.

 

I'm not now, but I have been before. Zoloft. It did help in a lot of areas, and not so much in others. It wasn't a cure-all, unfortunately. I need to just get back on. My mom has been trying to get me to for quite a while now. Maybe I have some hangup about having to rely on medication to get me through.

[lostlove76]

lol....I think we suggested to LL to get out and go for a walk 1500+ posts ago!!

 

That is half of my issue also. I have so much to do....but sit on here most of the time....and life is passing me by. When I was with my ex...I DID things with him. Going kayaking without him holds less appeal, even tho I do it. Yes....LL....there is NOTHING like the feeling of being in love....and the feeling of being LOVED in return. But it's been a very long time since you've felt loved. And you'll never meet a guy sitting on your front porch smoking cigarettes and playing on your phone....unless you want a 23 year old!

 

You're always so funny, RN

 

In my (our) defense, I think too much internet usage is a huge problem for a lot of people these days. It's somehow addictive. Even being on here - a lot of us seem to be on here almost constantly. Which isn't a bad thing, if you're balancing your life with other things (which I'm not). But there's just something about it that sucks you into looking at a screen all day, and it's super hard to break away.

 

Ahh, the feeling of being in love. I agree, nothing compares.

[lostlove76]

I guess you are lucky your parents are enablers!!

Yeah, not so lucky. It's pretty much crippled me.

 

Yeah, I'm a bit worried about that - unless your parents are very wealthy, I'm not sure how this is a viable long-term plan. As our parents age, they might need more help, might need to have medical care.... If they die and leave you the house and all their money, is that going to be enough for you to live on for the rest of your life?

They aren't wealthy, and it's all a huge concern. It's so scary to me that I just stick my head in the sand and try not to think about it, honestly. I better get a handle on things before anything happens to them, or I'm going to be... well, I don't even want to think about where I'll be. It's terrifying.

[annie24]

They aren't wealthy, and it's all a huge concern. It's so scary to me that I just stick my head in the sand and try not to think about it, honestly. I better get a handle on things before anything happens to them, or I'm going to be... well, I don't even want to think about where I'll be. It's terrifying.

 

Well, like my cousin says, few problems in life are solved by ignoring them.

 

Look, you are still young enough to be able to save for your own old age. It is nice they let you live with them and that they support you. Even if you were working a modest minimum wage job, saving all that money, you could put all that money straight in the bank. or at least give them a few hundred a month for rent. You're not disabled, you're able to work, so you should do it.

[lostlove76]

Well, like my cousin says, few problems in life are solved by ignoring them.

 

Look, you are still young enough to be able to save for your own old age. It is nice they let you live with them and that they support you. Even if you were working a modest minimum wage job, saving all that money, you could put all that money straight in the bank. or at least give them a few hundred a month for rent. You're not disabled, you're able to work, so you should do it.

 

I agree with you, although anxiety certainly feels like a disability at times even though I would never want to call it that.

 

What do you think about the gaps in my work history though? Any ideas? I feel it's going to be a huge problem in getting a job. I don't know how I could explain it away. If I admit to having anxiety, they'll think I'm not capable.

[annie24]

I agree with you, although anxiety certainly feels like a disability at times even though I would never want to call it that.

 

What do you think about the gaps in my work history though? Any ideas? I feel it's going to be a huge problem in getting a job. I don't know how I could explain it away. If I admit to having anxiety, they'll think I'm not capable.

 

I think it would be best to see a job counselor and they can help you word your responses in a way that would be best. Don't you have a part time job? You can include that in your resume. As for asking about your employment gap, you can be vague and cite "family reasons." I'm not sure, but a counselor would be best to help you here. In any case, for an entry-level job, I don't think it would matter as much as if you were... for example, a surgeon, and took a 5 year break.

 

I'd give the meds a try. They help me a lot. You shouldn't be ashamed of needing help. A diabetic is not ashamed for needing insulin. You need to treat your disease.

[lostlove76]

I think it would be best to see a job counselor and they can help you word your responses in a way that would be best. Don't you have a part time job? You can include that in your resume. As for asking about your employment gap, you can be vague and cite "family reasons." I'm not sure, but a counselor would be best to help you here. In any case, for an entry-level job, I don't think it would matter as much as if you were... for example, a surgeon, and took a 5 year break.

 

I'd give the meds a try. They help me a lot. You shouldn't be ashamed of needing help. A diabetic is not ashamed for needing insulin. You need to treat your disease.

 

Thanks Annie. Not sure where to find a job counselor, but I could google and look into it. And I agree about the meds. No shame. Would rather do things on my own without help I guess, but sometimes you just need the extra boost.

[annie24]

Thanks Annie. Not sure where to find a job counselor, but I could google and look into it. And I agree about the meds. No shame. Would rather do things on my own without help I guess, but sometimes you just need the extra boost.

 

if you call a job placement agency, they might be able to help you with how to say things.

[lostlove76]

if you call a job placement agency, they might be able to help you with how to say things.

 

Okay, thanks for the tip. I will need help in this area for sure, because that's a big part of what's holding me back from even looking.