The Ups and Downs of Loving a Commitment-Phobe

[Realitynut]

It bothers me that he hasn't called, because it just proves that he now cares about her and not me. I thought he would call when they ended.

Sweetheart....he cares about her...and you...in a superficial way. The reason he LIKED her was because she was unavailable. MARRIED. He liked YOU...and only at 'times'...NOT those 2 whole years....while YOU were UNAVAILABLE! 4 hours away.

 

See a pattern? He's not calling you...because he chooses NOT to. Just as he chose not to come and get you. He's moved on...and so should you. If he did call...it would be because he's lonely and good old LL will talk to me!!

 

BE SO GLAD HE'S NOT CALLING! no good would come of it. Hugs. Stay strong. I pined for my ex for way over a year....

[reinventmyself]

It bothers me that he hasn't called, because it just proves that he now cares about her and not me. I thought he would call when they ended.

Sweetheart....he cares about her...and you...in a superficial way. The reason he LIKED her was because she was unavailable. MARRIED. He liked YOU...and only at 'times'...NOT those 2 whole years....while YOU were UNAVAILABLE! 4 hours away.

 

QUOTE]

 

Or. . he cared about the attention the both of you provided him. If he really loved either of you he would have taken both of your feelings into consideration and acted responsibility towards you.

[lostlove76]

These are all great points and great questions, thanks so much I'm just waiting til I'm on my laptop to reply, so that I can quote some stuff.

[lostlove76]

And finally, you say you know you could get over him if you had someone else. Not to be super harsh, but other humans don't exist to help us get over someone else. We can't pretend to care about someone just so they'll make us feel better about ourselves. We need to feel good about ourselves BEFORE we can start truly caring for someone else. Otherwise the other person is just a distraction. Or a band aid.

 

Yep -- for me it wasn't "find someone else to get over my ex," it was "Get over my ex so I can finally find a good, decent guy and a healthy relationship."

 

The thing is, lostlove, you won't be able to fully move on to someone else until you let this guy go. I guarantee it.

 

I 100% agree with all of this. I have no intentions of looking for anyone else, or using anyone else to make myself feel better. It wouldn't even work, because my heart isn't open. I'm completely emotionally unavailable right now for anything romantic with anyone else. I guess I just meant if I happened to meet someone I really like. I'm pretty all or nothing when it comes to guys. I either really really like them, or I don't like them at all. I can't say that in my past I didn't hang around a guy or two who I wasn't fully into, but that was a long time ago. These days, I just don't have the energy or desire for that. So when I speak of hypothetically moving on due to having someone else, I mean someone else for whom I feel the same way as my ex. I'm very one-guy minded. It's impossible for me to have feelings for more than one guy at a time.

 

But, this is all hypothetical!!! It's not going to happen. I'm not looking, and I don't foresee randomly coming across anyone cool any time soon.

[lostlove76]

Reinvent is absolutely right. You must actually do the detaching actions in order to feel like you are detaching. You CAN "resist", you are choosing not to. Which is why I suggested you tell yourself "I am CHOOSING to deliberately hurt myself" every time you look. Because it's not what you see or think you see, it's the attachment to him that you are perpetuating.

 

Ohhh. I was thinking of it in terms of "I may see something that is going to hurt me." I guess I misunderstood what you meant, but it still worked for me for those 5 days! Then when I started looking again, I was seeing things that made me feel better, not worse. I see what you're saying now.

 

May I ask...WHY are you holding on? You say you probably wouldn't take him back, but frankly I think if he called a few times or texted "hey", you might go ahead and start talking to him just to end the pain. And even when you say you wouldn't take him back, you use the word "probably"...which leads me to believe you still fantasize about him calling and begging you back, jumping in his car to come get you, and declaring his love and suggesting you two go down to the courthouse to get married right away. Or something.

 

Am I completely wrong?

 

I guess maybe I do fantasize about him realizing what he lost and telling me how much I mean to him. I don't think it will happen - it's just a fantasty. But even if it did happen, I don't think I would believe him. How could I?? I really don't think I would take him back. Way too much has happened. If he hadn't been with HER, then I might be weak enough to consider it. But I can't be with him after he's been with her. However, I must not feel 100% sure that I wouldn't take him back, or I wouldn't use the word "probably," as you pointed out.

 

So you ask why I'm holding on. I honestly don't know! I really don't. Maybe it just takes me a long time to let go of attachments. Or maybe I still haven't let go of all the good times, and wanting that back.

[annie24]

You don't really know what happened to them, what's their situation, why she left (or if he left her) or whatnot. It's not productive to think about them because it doesn't change your situation.

[boltnrun]

He's been "telling" you things for months and months. And that's been the whole problem, hasn't it?? It isn't that what he TELLS you is what you want to hear, it's that he does NOT back any of it up with actions.

 

How many times did he tell you "I'm coming to get you NEXT WEEK!!!"

 

So he can TELL you he realizes what he lost and that you mean so much to him...but do you really think he's going to follow that up with driving to pick you up to live with him??

 

I know you know that will never happen.

 

And it's not that he doesn't care about you per se. It's that he cares more about being able to do whatever he wants without someone squawking in his ear about disappearing or cheating or drinking or going on the dating site or whatever. He wants freedom to do whatever he wants whenever he wants to. And you or any other woman will never be more important to him than being able to do what he wants without having to hear any guff about it.

 

And IF (and that's a big if) he did date this other woman, I bet part of her appeal is that she is still legally married, therefore she has no right to demand ANYTHING of him. Which suits him just fine.

 

So, your fantasy could very well come true...if your hopes and dreams end at the point where you two have a phone-only relationship again. And wasn't that the whole problem?? You are no longer satisfied with having an on-off relationship with a voice on your phone.

[lostlove76]

You don't really know what happened to them, what's their situation, why she left (or if he left her) or whatnot. It's not productive to think about them because it doesn't change your situation.

 

Very true, I have no idea what happened. And you're right, it doesn't change the outcome, or anything about where I personally am in my life right now.

[lostlove76]

He's been "telling" you things for months and months. And that's been the whole problem, hasn't it?? It isn't that what he TELLS you is what you want to hear, it's that he does NOT back any of it up with actions.

 

How many times did he tell you "I'm coming to get you NEXT WEEK!!!"

 

So he can TELL you he realizes what he lost and that you mean so much to him...but do you really think he's going to follow that up with driving to pick you up to live with him??

 

I know you know that will never happen.

 

 

So, your fantasy could very well come true...if your hopes and dreams end at the point where you two have a phone-only relationship again. And wasn't that the whole problem?? You are no longer satisfied with having an on-off relationship with a voice on your phone.

 

EXACTLY. I couldn't believe him even if he did say those things. And even IF he meant it in the moment (and I really do believe that he means half the things he says in the moment that he's saying it), he changes his mind. I couldn't trust that he would still mean it tomorrow, or next week, or a month from now.

 

And no, I do NOT want to go back to a phone-only relationship. It makes me kind of angry to think that that's all he provided for those 5 months. And I do NOT want an on/off relationship. That makes me angry, too, that it was so on and off. If I took him back, it would continue to be on and off.

 

I could never move there now, even if he did miraculously drive here to pick me up. Not after he's been with her. He would have to move back here. And even if he did move back here, I still couldn't trust that he would fully commit.

 

I know it's all hopeless. I just wish I didn't care anymore.

[lostlove76]

And it's not that he doesn't care about you per se. It's that he cares more about being able to do whatever he wants without someone squawking in his ear about disappearing or cheating or drinking or going on the dating site or whatever. He wants freedom to do whatever he wants whenever he wants to. And you or any other woman will never be more important to him than being able to do what he wants without having to hear any guff about it.

 

And IF (and that's a big if) he did date this other woman, I bet part of her appeal is that she is still legally married, therefore she has no right to demand ANYTHING of him. Which suits him just fine.

 

Sweetheart....he cares about her...and you...in a superficial way. The reason he LIKED her was because she was unavailable. MARRIED

 

I bet you guys are right, about the married thing. I've read that commitment-phobes often go for married partners (and long-distance, for that matter). This isn't the first married woman he's been with. It's so disgusting that he doesn't have a care in the world about breaking apart a family. She's disgusting too. She obviously doesn't care about her husband and kids, but she would have stayed with them if my ex hadn't given her a free place to stay. Maybe she was just using him for that and never really cared about him as more than a friend. No telling what all actually happened.

 

I guess you're right too, bolt, that he just wants to do whatever he wants to do. He doesn't want any responsibilities; he doesn't want to be held back at all. He's selfish. I guess that's why he said that he can't handle it when someone gets attached to him, because then she starts expecting things from him. Normal things that happen in normal relationships.

 

I bet they're going to end up right back together. She doesn't want to be at home, and he doesn't want to be alone. She suits him perfectly, because she's just as flighty and selfish as he is.

[lostlove76]

When I divorced my ex found someone else immediately. Even though it was over, it still stung to think I was that easily replaced.

But what I didn't realize at that time is that it had nothing to do with - me. You couldn't have told me otherwise at the time.

 

They broke up a few years later and my ex came sniffing around. I was partly vindicated and amused, at the same time disgusted.

 

What I learned by all of this . . especially when I consider his lack of character and the fact that I have no respect for him -

How is it I would consider my worth to be determined based on whether someone like HIM wanted me or not?

I put this in bold so you'll contemplate this for a bit.

 

You are tying your self worth to whether this alcoholic loser calls you. You admit you don't even want him now so it further proves my point that you are waiting for that phone call so you can feel alright about yourself.

But feeling alright about yourself comes from - you.

 

You are bigger than this. Start to believe it

 

It doesn't make much sense to tie my worth to whether he "chooses" me or not, does it? I really wish my heart would hurry and catch up with my mind. Seriously. Pesky emotions

[lostlove76]

One more thing...you keep saying you wish he would at least try to call and that you're afraid he's forgotten you exist. Well, didn't you ignore him the last couple of times he tried? And when you did speak to him, didn't you make it clear that what he'd been doing was no longer acceptable and that he had to make good on his promise to come get you or you were through? So, why do you expect him to keep trying to call? I'm sure he has zero plans to follow through on any of the promises he made to you in the past...so what would be the point of trying to call? It's kind of illogical that he's doing what you asked yet you still think he should try.

 

This is true. He probably knows I'll ignore if he tries to call. And he knows that if I did happen to answer, I would ask questions and give him sh1t for what he did. And he knows that I would expect a commitment and to live in the same place; and he knows he can't (doesn't want to) offer that. So calling would be pointless.

 

But that's never stopped him before.

[reinventmyself]

I personally don't want anyone back after they've dipped their stick elsewhere.

Then they bring it back to you? No thanks. Sorry to be blunt.

[lostlove76]

I personally don't want anyone back after they've dipped their stick elsewhere.

Then they bring it back to you? No thanks. Sorry to be blunt.

 

I was going to say that I don't either, but I've taken him back before after he's been with someone else during our off periods. I don't know what my problem is.

 

The emotional connection bothers me more than him having sex with others, though. If I had to pick the lesser of two evils, I would pick him having casual sex, hands down.

[boltnrun]

So you'd be fine with off and on, even if he had sex with other women during the "off" times? As long as he deigned to eventually return to you?

 

I thought that's why you ended things...because you were not only tired of the broken promises and dating site activity, but because you were weary of the off and on aspect?

 

And, how about instead of picking the "lesser of two evils"...you have a relationship with a man with whom you don't need to make that choice?

[lostlove76]

So you'd be fine with off and on, even if he had sex with other women during the "off" times? As long as he deigned to eventually return to you?

 

I thought that's why you ended things...because you were not only tired of the broken promises and dating site activity, but because you were weary of the off and on aspect?

 

No, I'm not saying I would be okay with it. I was just saying that the emotional connection is what absolutely kills me. If it was "just sex" it still wouldn't be okay, but that wouldn't bother me nearly as much. Knowing that he has with someone else what we had is just tearing me apart inside.

 

And, how about instead of picking the "lesser of two evils"...you have a relationship with a man with whom you don't need to make that choice?

 

I really don't have much hope of finding anyone else, to be honest. I usually go years between relationships. I don't meet people often, or connect with people easily. Friends, sure, I can form a connection. But in a romantic sense, I just don't foresee finding anyone who I'm interested in and who is interested in me. And like we were talking about before, it sure as heck isn't going to happen until I heal from this, and who knows when that's going to be.

 

I'm feeling very discouraged today. Honestly, I'm on the verge of tears. I can't expect anyone to sympathize or understand and have any further patience with the fact that I keep looking at her pages. But I do, and she keeps posting pictures taken in his town, and I don't know if they're old pictures or if she went back there. Given everything we've talked about here on this thread over the past couple of days, I don't know why I'm still waiting on him to call or text. I don't know if it's along the lines of what Reinvent was saying... that I'm determining my value based on whether or not he "wants" me. I don't know. I really think it's just because I'm still hanging on to all the good times, and I want that back, because it made me feel happy. And even if I somehow create my own happiness like I'm supposed to do, it's still not going to compare to the emotional rush of being in love with someone you feel a deep connection with and attraction for. I know I don't need him back; he was horrible. My feelings just get all confused.

 

Just having a rough day

[boltnrun]

Have you tried the technique we suggested? And if you are, are you telling yourself "yes, I DO deliberately choose to hurt myself!"

 

And, why is that? WHY, when so many others have the ability to hurt us, would you deliberately do things that damage yourself?

 

Do you feel love for yourself? Because, you know, you really should because you ARE worthy of love.

[browneyedgirl36]

No, I'm not saying I would be okay with it. I was just saying that the emotional connection is what absolutely kills me. If it was "just sex" it still wouldn't be okay, but that wouldn't bother me nearly as much. Knowing that he has with someone else what we had is just tearing me apart inside.

 

 

 

I really don't have much hope of finding anyone else, to be honest. I usually go years between relationships. I don't meet people often, or connect with people easily. Friends, sure, I can form a connection. But in a romantic sense, I just don't foresee finding anyone who I'm interested in and who is interested in me. And like we were talking about before, it sure as heck isn't going to happen until I heal from this, and who knows when that's going to be.

 

I'm feeling very discouraged today. Honestly, I'm on the verge of tears. I can't expect anyone to sympathize or understand and have any further patience with the fact that I keep looking at her pages. But I do, and she keeps posting pictures taken in his town, and I don't know if they're old pictures or if she went back there. Given everything we've talked about here on this thread over the past couple of days, I don't know why I'm still waiting on him to call or text. I don't know if it's along the lines of what Reinvent was saying... that I'm determining my value based on whether or not he "wants" me. I don't know. I really think it's just because I'm still hanging on to all the good times, and I want that back, because it made me feel happy. And even if I somehow create my own happiness like I'm supposed to do, it's still not going to compare to the emotional rush of being in love with someone you feel a deep connection with and attraction for. I know I don't need him back; he was horrible. My feelings just get all confused.

 

Just having a rough day

 

I could have written the first few paragraphs of this myself, a few years back. I often went YEARS between relationships -- by choice at times because I just didn't want to deal with it, but often because I didn't know where to meet a good, quality, healthy, sane, age-appropriate man that I was attracted to AND who was attracted to me. This is a BIG reason I got involved with the ex to begin with: I was lonely. I was "getting older." When things finally ended with him, I was 40 and felt I was nearing my "expiration date" in terms of men in my preferred age range (38-50-ish) being interested in me. I cringed at the thought of trying online dating sites (and still do -- I've never signed up for one). I admit, I'm picky -- not so much about looks (though I do have to be attracted to the guy!) or money, but mainly about character, personality, stability, temperament, intelligence, etc. Between 2011 and 2015, when I met my current boyfriend, I went on exactly four dates -- three with one guy (who was nice, and who I was interested in getting to know better, but he basically ghosted me after the third date) and one coffee date with another guy that didn't pan out. By the time I met my current boyfriend -- through a friend -- I had pretty much given up on finding anyone. Well, perhaps "given up" is a bit too strong of a statement. I had just come to the point where I was content with my life and not in *need* of companionship (though I certainly still wanted it). I had pretty much let go of all the angst about finding someone, and had decided that I would be OK no matter what happened. And then...it happened! It couldn't have happened, though, if I had not been completely done with my ex, and if I hadn't gotten past feelings of loneliness, desperation, and fear of being "alone forever."

 

Some of the worst relationship-related decisions are made out of fear, loneliness, and desperation -- i.e. hanging on to someone who is clearly wrong for you. My current guy and I joke that, when we met, we were both pretty much at -5 in terms of desperation. We were both hopeful, and not cynical, but we were't tied to the outcome -- if it happened it happened. If not...no harm, no foul. It has ended up working out beautifully..so far, anyway.

 

I'm sorry that you're having a rough day. I hope you can acknowledge, though, how much rougher you're making it on yourself by checking that woman's FB page. It's the worst thing you can do for yourself at this point, and I have to ask, is there some reason you want to torture yourself? Do you think you deserve to feel this badly? It sounds illogical, but...from an outsider's perspective, it truly seems like you're punishing yourself over someone who is SO NOT WORTH IT. No one is worth feeling so badly over. No one. No one is worth compromising yourself and your emotional well-being for, especially not this guy.

 

I know you are really averse to therapy, but I really, really, really think it would be helpful for you. Therapy is scary for a lot of people because it makes you accountable, it forces you to have to look at yourself, identify where you've gone wrong, and make changes. Change is hard, and a lot of people don't want to put in the work. Frankly, it's far easier to remain stuck, which is why so many people do. When I went to therapy, I pretty much knew what my problem was, but I had no idea how to fix it -- even where to begin. Though therapy didn't tell me much I hadn't already figured out, it really helped change my thinking, which then led to changing my actions and decision-making. I started making choices that were in my best interests because I truly cared about myself -- not because I was afraid, or lonely, or desperate, or trying to squash down old demons from my past. I hope you'll consider it, at least sometime down the road.

 

I'm not sure what else to say. You have to get to a point where you are sick and tired of feeling this way, and then maybe you'll do something to help yourself. Until you do, though, it'll be more of the same. Just stopping the Internet stalking for a good length of time would be a REALLY great start, but in order for you to do it, you have to be honest with yourself about why you're doing it. I have a feeling it has more to do with you, and how you feel about yourself, than it has to do with your ex or this questionable woman he may or may not be seeing.

[lostlove76]

Have you tried the technique we suggested? And if you are, are you telling yourself "yes, I DO deliberately choose to hurt myself!"

 

And, why is that? WHY, when so many others have the ability to hurt us, would you deliberately do things that damage yourself?

 

Do you feel love for yourself? Because, you know, you really should because you ARE worthy of love.

 

Maybe I don't actually feel love for myself or worthy of love. Is that pretty common? Because it seems to be a common theme amongst these threads. I really don't even know what it feels like to have love for myself, so I can't even accurately answer the question. I would just have to guess not, or I wouldn't be in this position, right? I'm pretty critical of myself at times. And when I say I don't think I'll ever find anyone again, part of that is because I guess I don't believe that anyone would want me. I'm not trying to be all "poor depressed me" here, I'm just trying to get to the root of the problem.

 

And I guess the fact that he cast me aside so easily just confirms how I feel about myself.

[boltnrun]

You've never loved yourself?

 

Why is that?

 

Do your parents provide you with stable, secure love? Or are they overly critical and condescending toward you?

 

You know, I am the product of an absentee father (who left the family when I was 11, after treating me like "Daddy's little princess" for years) and an overly critical, condescending mother who resented me and wasn't shy about telling me so. And yet, I still love myself! Yes, I made some awful relationship choices after my divorce, but I got past that and now realize that I can do better. Also I know that ONE man cannot and will not make the decision for me if I am lovable or not. No ONE person gets to decide that.

 

So...do you feel you are unlovable because this ONE MAN doesn't love you? Or did you deliberately choose an alcoholic serial relationship abandoner because you feel you are not worthy of a better man?

 

And finally, I guess I don't see why you won't even try therapy (when a couple of weeks ago you said you realize it would be of great benefit). Just because you haven't been successful so far doesn't mean it's hopeless. Of course, the alternative would be to keep feeling and living the way you are right now, forever...does that appeal to you?

 

PS: He cast you aside so easily because that's what he DOES. He's done it to other women before you...correct? So, why do you take his actions as a reflection on you and your love-worthiness?

[lostlove76]

BEG, I could have written your first paragraph, as well. All the reasons you named for going so long between relationships. I'm picky too. I don't want to settle for someone I don't feel very strongly for and connected to. I don't even want to waste my time sorting through a bunch of dead ends. I, too, feel I'm reaching my expiration date. I'll be 40 soon, and it's a scary thought. You always hear that when you quit looking is when it happens - like when you met your bf. I'm not looking, but I'm also not in any sort of healthy place to receive it if it did happen to come along. I'm really glad you found someone

 

Just stopping the Internet stalking for a good length of time would be a REALLY great start, but in order for you to do it, you have to be honest with yourself about why you're doing it. I have a feeling it has more to do with you, and how you feel about yourself, than it has to do with your ex or this questionable woman he may or may not be seeing.

If I'm punishing myself, it's subconscious. I don't set out to do that, but that is the end result, huh? I honestly think I'm just desperately searching for some bit of hope. If I see that they've broken up, then maybe he'll come back to me. And I KNOW (believe me, I really do know) that I shouldn't/couldn't take him back. I know it would only be because she left, and I know he wouldn't change, and I know it would continue to be on/off and phone-only, and I know I could never ever trust him. So it's a bit irrational to keep hanging on to the hope, and yet I can't seem to let it go. I'll be honest and say that I really really wish that he would realize what he lost, and come back to me, and commit, and we could have the good stuff all the time instead of just part time. Because the good stuff was really really good. But I know it's just a fantasy and a false hope. He's not even coming back at all, much less a changed and committed man. That's why I keep looking, though, I think; as a prediction of whether or not he's going to call, and because it will make me feel less horrible if they permanently go their separate ways.

 

As for therapy, change really is hard, and maybe I'm avoiding the work. Also, my mom said she would look into it (since my parents will be paying), and she has a lot going on with ill family members right now. I mentioned it again the other day, but nothing really came of it. I put things off. But I probably really need to go. Like you said, staying stuck is just so much easier.

[lostlove76]

You've never loved yourself?

 

Why is that?

 

Do your parents provide you with stable, secure love? Or are they overly critical and condescending toward you?

 

You know, I am the product of an absentee father (who left the family when I was 11, after treating me like "Daddy's little princess" for years) and an overly critical, condescending mother who resented me and wasn't shy about telling me so. And yet, I still love myself! Yes, I made some awful relationship choices after my divorce, but I got past that and now realize that I can do better. Also I know that ONE man cannot and will not make the decision for me if I am lovable or not. No ONE person gets to decide that.

 

I'm so sorry that you grew up in that situation but I applaud you for being so strong and self-loving in spite of it. My parents actually do provide me with secure and stable love. I know that they will be there for me no matter what. Regardless, I have a huge fear of abandonment in relationships, among all these other issues. There was a lot of turmoil in the house growing up, and even though I can look back now and see that I was loved, I oftentimes felt that I wasn't. It's all too much to really get into here, but it was never smooth sailing. I'm sure that's where all my issues stem from, although I don't know why it all started in the first place. I always felt like I was all alone, that it was me against the family. I was always super shy in school and never had a lot of friends. I learned to push people away at a young age. But then I would always get clingy with guys I became involved with, until I finally got control of that in my mid to late 20's or so. I still felt clingy (fear of abandonment) but I learned not to show it. I simultaneously cling and push them away. I took an attachment quiz online and came out as fearful-avoidant.

 

So...do you feel you are unlovable because this ONE MAN doesn't love you? Or did you deliberately choose an alcoholic serial relationship abandoner because you feel you are not worthy of a better man?

 

I don't think I deliberately chose him that way. When I met him, I honestly thought I had gotten extremely lucky. I didn't know about his relationship history, and he was very present and available in the beginning. I remember thinking to myself, literally, "Wow, I found a nice available guy here." And that was part of the appeal and why I liked him so much and eventually got attached.

 

And finally, I guess I don't see why you won't even try therapy (when a couple of weeks ago you said you realize it would be of great benefit). Just because you haven't been successful so far doesn't mean it's hopeless. Of course, the alternative would be to keep feeling and living the way you are right now, forever...does that appeal to you?

 

No, it doesn't appeal to me at all. I vacillate between numb, content (but not truly happy), and miserable. I felt TRULY HAPPY when I was with him, and that's maybe why it's been so so hard to let go. I'll still consider therapy. I'm not against it. I'm just dragging my feet about getting started.

 

PS: He cast you aside so easily because that's what he DOES. He's done it to other women before you...correct? So, why do you take his actions as a reflection on you and your love-worthiness?

 

Yes, this is what he does. He's done it to everyone before me. His ex asked him one time how he can shut off the feelings, just like that... and he said it's easy, you just do it. I guess I thought I was special to him. He filled my ears with declarations of love. Said he had never been in love with anyone before me. I believed him. So I thought that maybe he would stick it out with me and get better as time went along. Obviously that didn't happen.

 

He made me feel happy and good about myself, and then he yanked it away. I do realize that we can't rely on anyone else to make us happy, but it is what it is.

 

I feel really empty on the inside. I don't feel like I have much substance or much to offer. Like I've said, it's really hard for me to connect with anyone. But I connected with him so comfortably. I just really miss that. But yeah, as for how exactly I feel unlovable -- feeling empty on the inside, and knowing that I've been selfish in life and just haven't been a very good person at times, especially when I was younger.

[reinventmyself]

I really wish you would seriously consider therapy. Change is hard and so worthwhile.

Especially seeing you have an anxiety disorder!

Isn't the investment in yourself worth it? I can't think of anything more valuable.

 

I am doing pretty good as of late and I attribute to two things - NC and therapy.

Both of which you are not practicing bytheway and you have more time into this than I do.

You should/could be further along.

My therapist has been my life line at times.

 

If your goal is to have a happy stable relationship wouldn't you want to do everything you know how to prepare yourself to be relationship ready? How about asking for some help. It's becoming apparent that you might not be able to do this on your own. Or at the very least you can spare yourself the collateral damage that happens when you spend too much time in the very same state.

[lostlove76]

I really wish you would seriously consider therapy. Change is hard and so worthwhile.

Especially seeing you have an anxiety disorder!

Isn't the investment in yourself worth it? I can't think of anything more valuable.

 

I am doing pretty good as of late and I attribute to two things - NC and therapy.

Both of which you are not practicing bytheway and you have more time into this than I do.

You should/could be further along.

My therapist has been my life line at times.

 

If your goal is to have a happy stable relationship wouldn't you want to do everything you know how to prepare yourself to be relationship ready? How about asking for some help. It's becoming apparent that you might not be able to do this on your own. Or at the very least you can spare yourself the collateral damage that happens when you spend too much time in the very same state.

 

Hi Reinvent. I'm feeling a lot better today than I was yesterday, but I know it's a problem that I still have low days. When I don't get enough sleep the night before, I'm way more prone to anxiety and depression. I hardly slept the night before, but slept well last night. So for today at least, so far so good.

 

How long have you been in therapy? What made you seek it?

 

I will consider it. It's really not that I'm opposed to it, even though I've never had great experiences with it in the past. I think it's more just a matter of putting off starting something new, come to think of it. I will procrastinate forever about something, and then once I start, I'm good to go. I hate change, I hate branching out, I hate adding new things to my life. I'm very introverted and prefer to just live in my own little bubble and do my own thing and not have to be accountable to anyone. But I do agree that I most likely need some help, and I'm sure I'll end up going. It's just a matter of getting the ball rolling.

 

I'm glad to hear that you're doing better. Do you have good days and bad, or are you just gradually feeling better and better?

[reinventmyself]

How long have you been in therapy? What made you seek it?

 

 

I'm glad to hear that you're doing better. Do you have good days and bad, or are you just gradually feeling better and better?

 

I found this therapist when my marriage was falling apart in 1999. I've gone to him off and on throughout the years. Sometimes with as much as 5 years apart. As I have shared with you, I have struggled with anxiety for years as well. That and a failed abusive marriage and bad relationships in it's wake.

 

Honestly, since my recent break up I have seen him 4 times and every time I leave there I feel such a massive push forward to the point that my last visit, Tues. I honestly feel I have turned a corner. I am being cautious because as we know, these things are never a straight line. But with that and NC, at 5 weeks I am moving forward. .slowly, steadily, but not backsliding.

 

Your avoidance of doing this is such a hallmark symptom of anxiety. I get that. I am an avoider but I also know avoiding things builds tension and tension creates anxiety. So over the years I have learned to push myself thru things. If I have to, I'll write them down and make myself go through them and cross them off. It's a silly exercise but it helps and I feel better every time I do it.

Sometimes you just need to pull the trigger and do it.