The Ups and Downs of Loving a Commitment-Phobe

[lostlove76]

I find myself drinking more than I ever have. I am not terribly concerned but it's something that I am watching.

It's the alone time, in the evenings, a glass or two of wine and the anxiety lessons and my mind stops ruminating. don't have addictive tendencies and I don't doubt that I'll stop once I get passed this. It does make me sad though. That it's come to this that I sit alone and drink wine just to tolerate the silence. I get I am being over dramatic and it's the grief talking. Just trying to be patient with myself.

 

I am glad to hear how well you are doing and how objective you've been lately. Do you go back and reread where you were when you first started coming here and far you've come? I think it's pretty impressive. You should be proud of yourself

 

Thank you so much No, I don't reread at all; I think it would be very painful to relive any of it, especially when I was fighting so hard for someone who obviously didn't value me or what we had. If he had valued it, he wouldn't be with someone else right now.

 

I've been having a little bit of anxiety or stress last night and this morning. My breathing gets kind of shallow and I feel like sighing a lot. It's not too bad, just uncomfortable. It may be because I'm on my period, which just makes me feel crappy for several days every month. Last night around the time he used to call, I found myself watching the clock and hoping the phone would ring. That happens a lot of nights. I miss the excitement of waiting for that call. So last night around that time is when the anxiety started.

 

Do be patient with yourself, and don't worry too much about the drinking at this point. It sounds like you know how to control it and you won't let it get out of hand. It's pretty common to turn to drinking after a breakup. Have you noticed it making you feel worse the next day though? You may not drink enough to have that effect, but it's something to watch out for. I know with myself, I always feel a whole lot worse the next day, both physically and emotionally. It makes me feel depressed and makes things a whole lot harder to deal with. I'm sure I drink way more in one sitting than you do, because my tolerance is higher. But I'm curious if you've noticed that happening at all?

[reinventmyself]

Thank you so much You may not drink enough to have that effect, but it's something to watch out for. I know with myself, I always feel a whole lot worse the next day, both physically and emotionally. It makes me feel depressed and makes things a whole lot harder to deal with. I'm sure I drink way more in one sitting than you do, because my tolerance is higher. But I'm curious if you've noticed that happening at all?

 

No, I am careful to not drink enough that it effects me the following day. I did however go out with friends Friday night and drank more than I usually do. (doesn't take much) I was honestly hoped for a little bit of a hangover so I had an excuse to hibernate on Saturday and not feel sorry for myself for not having anything to do but nurse a hangover. It didn't work. Not only did I feel crappy but I the anxiety was there waiting for me and built up into panic.

 

Luckily a friend called and asked me to lunch so it forced me to up and get out. It was really hard.

Funny it was a guy I dated a couple times years ago. I wasn't really attracted to him but he was nice. I ran into him while out with my friends the night before. He had lost a lot of weight and looked really good. It was a nice lunch but a reminder of how far away I am from wanting to be in the company of a man. It just made me miss S even more. He asked what I was doing Sunday and I said I had plans. .

 

Just not ready. . sheeesh. Not even remotely. I found myself almost mistrusting of him and he didn't even do anything but buy me lunch. What a mess.

[lostlove76]

No, I am careful to not drink enough that it effects me the following day. I did however go out with friends Friday night and drank more than I usually do. (doesn't take much) I was honestly hoped for a little bit of a hangover so I had an excuse to hibernate on Saturday and not feel sorry for myself for not having anything to do but nurse a hangover. It didn't work. Not only did I feel crappy but I the anxiety was there waiting for me and built up into panic.

Yep, drinking has that effect on me, as well. My anxiety is always waaaay worse after a night of drinking too much. But now you know your limits, and how much you can drink without having those effects the next day.

 

Luckily a friend called and asked me to lunch so it forced me to up and get out. It was really hard.

Funny it was a guy I dated a couple times years ago. I wasn't really attracted to him but he was nice. I ran into him while out with my friends the night before. He had lost a lot of weight and looked really good. It was a nice lunch but a reminder of how far away I am from wanting to be in the company of a man. It just made me miss S even more. He asked what I was doing Sunday and I said I had plans. .

 

Just not ready. . sheeesh. Not even remotely. I found myself almost mistrusting of him and he didn't even do anything but buy me lunch. What a mess.

Did you tell him you're going through a breakup? Maybe in a few weeks or months you'll feel more ready to enjoy his company.

[boltnrun]

Hey LL...what do you think about deciding on a therapist to call this week?

 

I know with the resolve you've been using to not internet stalk, you could look up therapists and settle on a couple to call.

 

Maybe?

[reinventmyself]

Did you tell him you're going through a breakup? Maybe in a few weeks or months you'll feel more ready to enjoy his company.

 

Not in those words. I think I said I just got out of relationship. Same thing I suppose.

[lostlove76]

Hey everyone. I guess it's been exactly a week since I last wrote, so time for an update. I have to be honest and say that I relapsed and started looking at pages again after I last posted here. "Relapse" is the best way to describe it, because it feels like when you quit smoking or drinking - you're going along just fine until you take one puff or one drink, and then you're right back where you started. I was only planning to look once, but I saw some small indication that maaaaybe trashy girl went back home, so I kept looking all week to see if I could find "proof" that she did. And well, it seems that she did! It seems that things are now over with them. And honestly, even though I KNOW it's unhealthy to keep looking, and to keep up with what's going on with them, and to even care anymore (which I don't feel like I can control... the caring part)... I'm glad I looked and found this out, because it makes me feel better. [For anyone reading this, I'm not at all suggesting that you keep tabs, because most likely you're going to see things that will only hurt you.] If I had seen something hurtful, I would have gotten back on track using the tools you guys suggested (asking myself the questions before looking) and I would have quit again. But I must say, I was very glad to see that they have apparently ended. It seems she left, and they are no longer facebook friends.

 

It bothers me that he hasn't called, because it just proves that he now cares about her and not me. I thought he would call when they ended. I most likely wouldn't answer, but I would still love to know that he hasn't completely forgotten that I exist. But he hasn't called, and probably won't. I'm not going to let it devastate me. I'm just glad that their horrible affair didn't last.

 

Reinventmyself, how are you feeling today? I think of you often, and I see your comments on other threads. I know you're hurting, and I send you hugs

[lostlove76]

After rereading my update a couple times, it seems clear that I haven't actually "moved on" since I'm still concerned with what he and she are doing. So I just wanted to add a few more thoughts about my current state of mind. Most importantly, I feel like the major depression has finally lifted. I started feeling a little better when I quit checking their pages. And I now feel even slightly better than that, knowing that they have ended. I'm sure this is normal, as no one wants things to work out with the girl he essentially left you for. But I acknowledge that it doesn't change the outcome. He still quit caring about me and started loving her (I assume), and hes probably now feeling the loss of her and I don't even cross his mind anymore. That hurts, I will admit. But I'm somehow in a better place than I was before. Probably just because time has passed. Tomorrow will be two months since he last tried to call. I don't foresee forgetting about him any time soon, but I'm just happy that the black cloud has lifted, whatever made it happen. I'm finally able to focus a little more on things other than him. I have four really good friends who I talk with daily, and I'm able to focus on their issues as well as mine (and also just random conversational topics). For a long while there, I felt unable to exert any energy whatsoever to anything other than my own pain. So while I'm not yet where I need to be, I do feel that progress has been made.

[boltnrun]

What about the counseling?

 

I'm not trying to be facetious, but you seem to be able to put effort into other things (such as internet stalking)...so why can't you put some of that effort into finding a counselor or therapist?

[lostlove76]

What about the counseling?

 

I'm not trying to be facetious, but you seem to be able to put effort into other things (such as internet stalking)...so why can't you put some of that effort into finding a counselor or therapist?

 

I really don't know. I've been to many therapists throughout my life, and thinking back, I can't honestly say that they provided any benefit beyond what I've been able to come up with on my own through journaling and reading and thinking and talking with friends and the simple passing of time. I haven't really thought of it that way until right at this moment. Doing a quick count in my mind, I've been to (at least) 6 therapists since I was a teenager. Which suggests that I have issues! Geez. But it is what it is. And out of all the counseling I've received, I can't really say that it helped a whole lot or provided anything that self-help hasn't provided. I'm not at all against professional therapy. But if I've tried it so many times and got no large benefit out of it, why would I feel in a hurry to try it yet again? This really did just occur to me after reading your question, bolt. Maybe this is what's been holding me back.

[boltnrun]

I hope you stop looking.

 

What will happen if you see something that looks like the other woman is back with him? What if you see some kind of "signs" that he's dating someone else?

 

Please try using the tools you used so well for a week or two...I'm afraid if you see something you may spiral back down again.

[notalady]

I'm glad I looked and found this out, because it makes me feel better.

 

This reminds me of when he was still calling and you said knowing he called made you feel better. But that was only temporary, then you were all down in the dumps, sinking even lower than before.

 

A temporary relief to an addiction is all it is, and same reason here why you feel glad you looked and found out they broke up.

 

It bothers me that he hasn't called, because it just proves that he now cares about her and not me. I thought he would call when they ended. I most likely wouldn't answer, but I would still love to know that he hasn't completely forgotten that I exist. But he hasn't called, and probably won't. I'm not going to let it devastate me.

 

If he did call after breaking up with the other woman, it would mean nothing more than the fact that you are his fall back girl, his back up plan, that he thinks you'll always be here waiting for him no matter how many times he's left you and what horrible things he's done, he will always have chance with you. If he did call, I would see that as great disrespect and an insulting move.

 

The day you can see it from that point of view, and feel insulted if he calls rather than glad, is the day you've moved on and the day you actually understand that you deserve respect.

[lostlove76]

If he did call after breaking up with the other woman, it would mean nothing more than the fact that you are his fall back girl, his back up plan, that he thinks you'll always be here waiting for him no matter how many times he's left you and what horrible things he's done, he will always have chance with you. If he did call, I would see that as great disrespect and an insulting move.

 

Oh believe me, I know. I would know exactly why he was calling, that it was only because they ended and he was lonely and using me as a backup. Which is why I wouldn't answer. It would feel good to ignore. But I can't help but wonder why he hasn't called??

[lostlove76]

I hope you stop looking.

 

What will happen if you see something that looks like the other woman is back with him? What if you see some kind of "signs" that he's dating someone else?

 

Please try using the tools you used so well for a week or two...I'm afraid if you see something you may spiral back down again.

 

I know, I've thought of that. They very well could get back together. And it probably would put me in a hole again. Or he could find someone else. So I know I need to quit looking again soon. The ideal situation would be to reach a point where I don't even care anymore, but I don't know how to do that? It seems like either a lot more time is going to have to pass, or I'm going to have to meet someone else - and that's not going to be happening any time soon.

 

It bothers me a lot that he seems down over losing her (based on a couple comments I've seen him make). She's a married skank - he shouldn't care anything about her at all, for that reason alone! She's a horrible person. And so is he, obviously, for being a homewrecker as well as all the crap he put me through. I just don't understand how he can be okay with being with someone who left her husband and kids behind to play around on the beach all day for two months. He seriously has no conscience, and she's even worse. So I'm glad they're over, instead of still happily living it up. But it does hurt that he seems down over it and has apparently completely forgotten me, the person who actually cared about him in a real way and was NOT a trashy married wh*re.

 

So why do you think he hasn't called, even as a backup? I refuse to be a backup, but I'm still curious why he hasn't tried. Every time he and I ended, he immediately started looking for others to fill the void. Why isn't he doing that with her?

[reinventmyself]

. But I'm somehow in a better place than I was before. Probably just because time has passed. Tomorrow will be two months since he last tried to call. I don't foresee forgetting about him any time soon, but I'm just happy that the black cloud has lifted, whatever made it happen. I'm finally able to focus a little more on things other than him. I have four really good friends who I talk with daily, and I'm able to focus on their issues as well as mine (and also just random conversational topics). For a long while there, I felt unable to exert any energy whatsoever to anything other than my own pain. So while I'm not yet where I need to be, I do feel that progress has been made.

 

Is it coincidental that you are able to report your `cloud has lifted' the same time you've figured out that the trashy girl may have gone home and it's over? There is a pattern here, you know. You can go back and look at your previous posts. Your mood seems to lift when think there's a chance. At the same time you mentioned you are now wishing he will call.

 

You are making progress. . that's obvious. But part of your (our) healing is learning to be excruciatingly honest and accountable to yourself.

Remember, it's the denial that get's us in these messes.

I see you backsliding a little when you are starting to forecast about him.

 

(Thanks for asking how I am. . .I'm hanging in there

 

True healing comes when you are diligent about detaching from him, his life, his whereabouts.

Nada, nothing, zero, period. I don't know about you, but I don't want to be stuck here. How about you?

[lostlove76]

Is it coincidental that you are able to report your `cloud has lifted' the same time you've figured out that the trashy girl may have gone home and it's over? There is a pattern here, you know. You can go back and look at your previous posts. Your mood seems to lift when think there's a chance. At the same time you mentioned you are now wishing he will call.

 

You are making progress. . that's obvious. But part of your (our) healing is learning to be excruciatingly honest and accountable to yourself.

Remember, it's the denial that get's us in these messes.

I see you backsliding a little when you are starting to forecast about him.

 

(Thanks for asking how I am. . .I'm hanging in there

 

True healing comes when you are diligent about detaching from him, his life, his whereabouts.

Nada, nothing, zero, period. I don't know about you, but I don't want to be stuck here. How about you?

 

Great point. Probably not coincidental. I don't know how to detach from the caring. That's the problem. If I didn't care anymore, then I wouldn't even be curious how he's doing, and I wouldn't have to white-knuckle it not to look at their pages -- I just simply wouldn't care to, it wouldn't even be on my mind.

 

It still really hurts that he replaced me so easily, and completely forgot about me. After two years of all we went through, and getting so so close during periods of those two years, he just completely forgot I exist. That hurts more than anything, I think. Like I said, I refuse to be a backup, but it would feel better to know I was at least on his radar in some way. And then I could ignore his calls and show that I won't stoop that low. But he's not even trying to call, because I mean absolutely nothing to him now. It hurts!

[reinventmyself]

Great point. Probably not coincidental. I don't know how to detach from the caring. That's the problem. If I didn't care anymore, then I wouldn't even be curious how he's doing, and I wouldn't have to white-knuckle it not to look at their pages -- I just simply wouldn't care to, it wouldn't even be on my mind.

 

It still really hurts that he replaced me so easily, and completely forgot about me. After two years of all we went through, and getting so so close during periods of those two years, he just completely forgot I exist. That hurts more than anything, I think. Like I said, I refuse to be a backup, but it would feel better to know I was at least on his radar in some way. And then I could ignore his calls and show that I won't stoop that low. But he's not even trying to call, because I mean absolutely nothing to him now. It hurts!

it's been said before that you don't wait for the detachment feeling to come over you before you practice detaching.

You need to detach first and then feeling detached comes after.

How do you do this? You know. - You do not check. Total NC.

 

Because you have checked you are now having a set back and wondering when he's going to call and getting disappointed when he doesn't. You weren't saying these things for the last couple weeks and now you are back at it ruminating like you were day one.

 

You need to act on it first. . Do the work. Yes it's hard but worth while. Discipline.

You do work and the payoff will come.

Trying to do it backwards wont work. It will just keep you stuck.

[browneyedgirl36]

I agree 100% with reinventmyself. You're always going to feel better -- albeit temporarily -- if, in some part of your head, you think he could return.

 

I have to say I never FB stalked my ex. In fact, I didn't WANT to know what was happening with him -- I was too afraid to look. I did, accidentally see a few things that really hurt me (someone tagging him in a pic with a new girlfriend, etc.) but I never went looking for it, even though he and I were still FB friends at the time (I finally unfriended him a few months ago, and by then, I was long past caring about him). I think that did help me a lot to start to let go. You feel OK now because there's a sense of triumph that they didn't work out, coupled with the hope that he'll realize the error of his ways. I know -- I've been there. When my ex ditched me to go back to his previous ex, I hoped for them to break up again (because I thought it would prove that they didn't belong together AND I hoped he'd come running back to me). Well...they did, and he did come back to me, only to screw around with my head again for nearly another two years (during which I'm reasonably certain something was going on with her, too, even if just on an emotional level -- they had never stopped communicating). Ultimately -- and I'm sure this isn't what you want to hear -- he moved on to someone else entirely, so neither of us ended up with him. I think he used me to get over her, and when he realized finally that things would never work with her, he just moved on from both of us. He's had at least 3 girlfriends since, according to the workplace gossip. I'm not surprised.

 

The detached feeling really does only come when you actually start to detach. Part of that is time, but another HUGE part is distance, and not just physical distance, but mental/emotional distance -- through No Contact. Not looking at his social media is a significant part of gaining that emotional distance, too. The more you look, the less likely you are to heal because he's still a presence in your life -- still taking up space in your head.

 

For me, it took losing ALL hope of him coming back in order for me to move on -- in the form of him making it blatantly obvious that he was dating others (I work with him, and he would talk about dates/girlfriends within earshot of me, and he even brought one of his girlfriends to work one day -- UGH!) It was hell, but it was the only way. I was forced to let go, and while it wasn't ideal, who knows how long I would have hung on if I hadn't been forced to let go? As my mom said when I told her that I hated the fact that I didn't just take control and let go on my own, "It doesn't matter how it happened. All that matters is that it did."

 

I'm sorry that you feel therapy is of no use to you. I resisted it for a long time, too, mainly because I'm a guarded person and HATE spilling my guts to a stranger --and honestly, a lot of what my therapists told me was stuff I already knew (one of them even commented that I already knew what she was telling me), but what they DID do for me was give me some tools to make changes in my thinking AND my behavior, changes in patterns that were holding me back. And, there's something to be said for the opinions/feedback of an un-involved, objective party who does't know you and has no biases.

 

Anyway, I hope that, at some point, you'll reach your limit and be willing to stop checking up on him, stop making assumptions about what he's doing and not doing, what he feels and doesn't feel, what it all means, etc. That's valuable time wasted that you could be using to really live your life -- time you can never get back. Sometimes, though, you have to lose all hope in order to find hope again. Sometimes, you have to lose yourself completely -- like I did -- to find yourself again -- a better, stronger, wiser version of yourself.

 

You've admitted that your ex is really not a good person at all. Ask yourself, then, why would you want this person in your life? Why do you want so desperately for what you've described as a "horrible person" to care about you? Just some food for thought...

[lostlove76]

Reinventmyself:

That makes sense. Thanks.

 

I hope you and I start feeling good again soon. Not just better, but actually good. I'm farther along time-wise than you are. But you hopefully have better coping skills than I do. I know it's not easy, regardless. Hugs and well wishes to you

[lostlove76]

Hi BEG, thanks so much for your post. I wish I could quote a few things but I'm on my phone. I really don't know how you survived having to work with him after the breakup, but I'm so glad you got through it. I would have had a nervous breakdown and had to quit working there. Good for you for hanging in there and pushing through it, despite what I imagine was intense pain having to see and hear about his other girls. Ugh, what a nightmare!

 

I don't know why it's so hard for me to quit looking at his stuff. Some people, like you, are completely able to resist the urge - or don't even have the urge, knowing it will only hurt you. Yet I can't seem to resist. I did for those 5 or so days, but it didn't help me forget about him at all. I still wondered what he was up to.

 

In reply to your last paragraph: You're right, why would I want this horrible person back? His values are so far off from my own. I HATE cheaters. Cheating disgusts me. And he's the biggest cheater of them all. I really don't think I would take him back, after he's been with her. There's just no way that I could. I would always be so aware of him having been with her in my absence, and it would haunt me all the time. So I think I'm just stuck on how things used to be, even though it was far from perfect. I'm stuck on the good times. I do wish I could have that back. In the good moments, when we were together or talking, I was happier than I've been in a very long time. I chose to see the good side of him, and the good side is what I miss. I know in my head that he's bad, especially after this affair with a married woman. But my heart still wants the good. I guess that makes sense what I'm saying? I've tried so hard to talk myself completely out of even wanting him or caring about him, and I just can't make my heart quit caring. Which sucks! I could write 3 whole pages of bad things he's done, and still I still care. I wish I had the ability to just shut off my emotions.

[lostlove76]

I also meant to add that I wouldn't/couldn't take him back because he doesn't even live here. There's no way I would move there now, even if he asked and came through on it. When we were talking on the phone for so long, it was always with the agreement that I would move there soon. I don't want to rehash that whole thing, about him never coming an all. Just making the point that I wouldn't have signed up for a LDR in which being together again wasn't an option. So since I can't move there, there would be no use in going back to a phone-only relationship. That would be the case even without all these other issues.

 

So since I can't/won't take him back, I don't even know why I'm still hanging on. He doesn't even live here! Like I said above, my mind knows all this, and yet my heart stubbornly refuses to let go. It doesn't make much sense really.

[reinventmyself]

When I divorced my ex found someone else immediately. Even though it was over, it still stung to think I was that easily replaced.

But what I didn't realize at that time is that it had nothing to do with - me. You couldn't have told me otherwise at the time.

 

They broke up a few years later and my ex came sniffing around. I was partly vindicated and amused, at the same time disgusted.

 

What I learned by all of this . . especially when I consider his lack of character and the fact that I have no respect for him -

How is it I would consider my worth to be determined based on whether someone like HIM wanted me or not?

I put this in bold so you'll contemplate this for a bit.

 

You are tying your self worth to whether this alcoholic loser calls you. You admit you don't even want him now so it further proves my point that you are waiting for that phone call so you can feel alright about yourself.

But feeling alright about yourself comes from - you.

 

You are bigger than this. Start to believe it

[boltnrun]

Reinvent is absolutely right. You must actually do the detaching actions in order to feel like you are detaching. You CAN "resist", you are choosing not to. Which is why I suggested you tell yourself "I am CHOOSING to deliberately hurt myself" every time you look. Because it's not what you see or think you see, it's the attachment to him that you are perpetuating.

 

May I ask...WHY are you holding on? You say you probably wouldn't take him back, but frankly I think if he called a few times or texted "hey", you might go ahead and start talking to him just to end the pain. And even when you say you wouldn't take him back, you use the word "probably"...which leads me to believe you still fantasize about him calling and begging you back, jumping in his car to come get you, and declaring his love and suggesting you two go down to the courthouse to get married right away. Or something.

 

Am I completely wrong?

[reinventmyself]

But my heart still wants the good. I guess that makes sense what I'm saying? I've tried so hard to talk myself completely out of even wanting him or caring about him, and I just can't make my heart quit caring. Which sucks! I could write 3 whole pages of bad things he's done, and still I still care. I wish I had the ability to just shut off my emotions.

 

You have managed to split him into to two different people. I know because I can do the same.

It sounds too simplistic to say - look at the whole picture when you are emotionally charged. But your job is to get real with yourself.

I can sit and cry and I do honestly miss the good parts of my situation. . But I work at paying attention to the whole picture and the parts that were deal breakers to begin with.. Ignoring them is what gets you into trouble.

Stop Romanizing him

[boltnrun]

One more thing...you keep saying you wish he would at least try to call and that you're afraid he's forgotten you exist. Well, didn't you ignore him the last couple of times he tried? And when you did speak to him, didn't you make it clear that what he'd been doing was no longer acceptable and that he had to make good on his promise to come get you or you were through? So, why do you expect him to keep trying to call? I'm sure he has zero plans to follow through on any of the promises he made to you in the past...so what would be the point of trying to call? It's kind of illogical that he's doing what you asked yet you still think he should try.

 

Also, we pointed out before that ignoring him doesn't hurt him one bit. He'll just go to the bar or get on the dating site to troll for more women. So, why do you want the opportunity to ignore him so badly? Would him trying to call prove something to you? Do you think it would somehow "prove" that he does actually love you? And if so, and you know nothing would change...what would be the point?

 

And finally, you say you know you could get over him if you had someone else. Not to be super harsh, but other humans don't exist to help us get over someone else. We can't pretend to care about someone just so they'll make us feel better about ourselves. We need to feel good about ourselves BEFORE we can start truly caring for someone else. Otherwise the other person is just a distraction. Or a band aid.

[browneyedgirl36]

One more thing...you keep saying you wish he would at least try to call and that you're afraid he's forgotten you exist. Well, didn't you ignore him the last couple of times he tried? And when you did speak to him, didn't you make it clear that what he'd been doing was no longer acceptable and that he had to make good on his promise to come get you or you were through? So, why do you expect him to keep trying to call? I'm sure he has zero plans to follow through on any of the promises he made to you in the past...so what would be the point of trying to call? It's kind of illogical that he's doing what you asked yet you still think he should try.

 

Also, we pointed out before that ignoring him doesn't hurt him one bit. He'll just go to the bar or get on the dating site to troll for more women. So, why do you want the opportunity to ignore him so badly? Would him trying to call prove something to you? Do you think it would somehow "prove" that he does actually love you? And if so, and you know nothing would change...what would be the point?

 

And finally, you say you know you could get over him if you had someone else. Not to be super harsh, but other humans don't exist to help us get over someone else. We can't pretend to care about someone just so they'll make us feel better about ourselves. We need to feel good about ourselves BEFORE we can start truly caring for someone else. Otherwise the other person is just a distraction. Or a band aid.

 

Yep -- for me it wasn't "find someone else to get over my ex," it was "Get over my ex so I can finally find a good, decent guy and a healthy relationship."

 

The thing is, lostlove, you won't be able to fully move on to someone else until you let this guy go. I guarantee it.