lostlove76 Posted July 29, 2016 Author Share Posted July 29, 2016 LOL. Well, lesson learned. Next time you go to a charity event, make sure you look your best Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted July 29, 2016 Share Posted July 29, 2016 I see lots of them every single day. And no, they're not all taken. Case in point...I worked a charity event recently where there were dozens of single men my age. Unfortunately, I was un-shampooed in yoga pants and a baggy t-shirt with no makeup on Lost opportunity lol! Men love yoga pants!!!!!!! I'm sure they were checking you out anyway! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostlove76 Posted July 30, 2016 Author Share Posted July 30, 2016 I've now made it over 48 hours without looking at pages. I really wanted to today. But I acknowledged to myself that I didn't want to cause myself additional pain, and I just let the moments pass. Still having lots of unwanted thoughts of them living happily together. I feel like all of this would pass a whole lot quicker if I had my own person to be excited about and feel happy and comfortable with, but that's just not possible right now. I have soooo many negative feelings towards her (obviously), and towards him for being with her. He was in his new town for something like 7 months without meeting anyone he really liked, and then SHE comes along, and suddenly he's living with her. She is a horrible person who left her husband and kids behind, and yet she's having the time of her life and getting all the things from my ex guy that he wouldn't give to or share with me. Not to sound whiny, but it's really all so unfair. Ugh, just venting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted July 30, 2016 Share Posted July 30, 2016 I know it hurts. But don't look at his page. I promise you 6 months from now, you'll be able to think about him and feel nothing. You can do it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostlove76 Posted July 30, 2016 Author Share Posted July 30, 2016 Thanks Annie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostlove76 Posted July 31, 2016 Author Share Posted July 31, 2016 Have now made it over 3 full days of not checking pages. I'm afraid I'm going to slip and say screw it and end up looking at some point... but so far your suggestion has kept me from looking, bolt (and your addition to the suggestion, reinventmyself). Thanks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted July 31, 2016 Share Posted July 31, 2016 Have now made it over 3 full days of not checking pages. I'm afraid I'm going to slip and say screw it and end up looking at some point... but so far your suggestion has kept me from looking, bolt (and your addition to the suggestion, reinventmyself). Thanks! I am practicing not checking as well. I think each time we check it feeds the very connection we are trying to distinguish. If that's my goal. . .to work on detaching then why feed it and keep it alive? Seems painful when you look at it that way, right? Feeding the very thing that's over and beating ourselves up for being stuck and not getting over it fast enough. Not only NC. . but NE = No Exposure You're doing good! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostlove76 Posted July 31, 2016 Author Share Posted July 31, 2016 I am practicing not checking as well. I think each time we check it feeds the very connection we are trying to distinguish. If that's my goal. . .to work on detaching then why feed it and keep it alive? Seems painful when you look at it that way, right? Feeding the very thing that's over and beating ourselves up for being stuck and not getting over it fast enough. Not only NC. . but NE = No Exposure You're doing good! Yep, a false sense of keeping the connection alive. And so very painful. Have you been able to completely not look, or do you slip at times? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted July 31, 2016 Share Posted July 31, 2016 I looked but it's pointless. He's not active on FB so there's nothing to see. I guess I keep checking to see if he has a new 'friend'. Which is actually sad and funny at the same time. In 8 mos he never wanted to be 'friends' with me because he was so insecure that he might see pictures of me with other men (that don't exist) Having said that I seriously doubt he'd 'friend' anyone new anyhow. So I blocked him recently just to stop the exersize. Like I said. No Exposure. It's just best for me. How's your anxiety been? Mine is off the charts ;( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostlove76 Posted July 31, 2016 Author Share Posted July 31, 2016 I'm sorry that you're going through a hard time too right now. It sucks, doesn't it? Be glad that there's not much to see on his page - it makes it easier not to look. Mine has his wall private, so most of what I was looking at was his friend list as well. But the worse thing was looking at HER page. It's good you stopped looking, because if he did happen to add a new friend, you would then be tempted to keep checking that friend's page too. It's really best not to even know. My anxiety is about the same I guess. I think once the depression lifts, the anxiety will lift a bit too. Are you feeling anxious all the time, or just in certain situations? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted July 31, 2016 Share Posted July 31, 2016 All the time to one degree or another. Being alone is especially hard and that's when it's the worst. I can handle the sad feelings, but the anxiety is unbearable at times. If you're anything like me I think that what keeps me in bad relationships longer than I should. I'll almost do anything to avoid the anxiety Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostlove76 Posted July 31, 2016 Author Share Posted July 31, 2016 Ugh, anxiety sucks so bad. I really feel for you, because I obviously know how bad it can get. I wish I had some suggestions, but I haven't figured out how to get a handle on it. Zoloft helped me in the past (and I should really be on it now). Have you thought about trying meds, or are you on them now? I'll do anything to avoid anxiety too, but for me, that mostly means not going anywhere that's going to be uncomfortable. I still have general anxiety while at home, but it increases when I drive or go certain places. One thing I'll tell you, which I'm sure you already know, is that diet and sleep can really affect it. Mine is always 20 times worse if I haven't gotten enough sleep, if I haven't eaten enough or recently enough, and if I drank the night before. So get enough sleep, eat regularly, take care of yourself as best as possible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted July 31, 2016 Share Posted July 31, 2016 Thx LL. I've been on Celexa in the past but went off because my anxiety is for the most parr situational. I didn't need to stay on someting daily to deal with situations as they arise. I have xanax for sleep but I'm dipping into them to get thru the day and at 30 a month it leaves me short for sleep. I feel goofy as I count them every day and ration what I can live with and what I cant. You live with you parents, yes? That must help. For the most part I'm home alone. I feel so pathetically needy right now and tho I have friends, they have their own lives and passing 3 weeks they want to see me moving forward. But honestly this last week's been worse than the first. Reality setting in I suppose. That and trying reinvent my life again. I think I fight it too much and just need to surrender to it all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostlove76 Posted July 31, 2016 Author Share Posted July 31, 2016 I'm sorry to have dropped off in the middle of our conversation; I fell back asleep for a little while. Yes, I do live with my parents, so there's usually always someone to talk to, and it does help. I mostly keep to myself, though, and kind of live in my own head with all my negative thoughts - which is so not good. Being on here has helped as a distraction. At least you have this site for support, and also to read other stories and comment when you need a break from your own sadness. Real life friends do get tired of hearing about it, unfortunately I was lucky to have a small number of people who were very patient with me, but my best friend and I did quit talking for a while because I talked about him so much. When people feel that it's time for you to move on, they really aren't doing you any favors. 3 weeks is nothing, and is probably the height of the sadness because the reality of it all begins to set in. Oh I just reread your post after typing that last sentence, and you said the exact same thing. I'm losing track of how far along I am. Two months I think? I'm still having a hard time sometimes, and moderately okay the rest of the time, but it's better than it was. So if you can just get through the next few weeks, you'll probably start to feel a little bit better. I know it feels awful!! I feel you shouldn't fight it at all. Just allow yourself to feel all the sadness. Cry when you need to, vent when you need to, lay in bed all day if you have to. At least for a little while. I've read that women get over breakups faster than men, because we process everything and go through all the pain right away. Men (in general) avoid their feelings, they don't talk about it with friends, they carry on as if they're fine. And then several weeks or months later, it all hits them. So you may as well get it all out now rather than trying to fight it off, because it won't go away until you fully go through the grief process. That's my opinion, anyways, and how I've always dealt with these things. Big hugs. I'm so sorry that you're having to feel this way Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostlove76 Posted July 31, 2016 Author Share Posted July 31, 2016 Oh, one more thing you might want to try, since you're having to ration your Xanax. I've read that Benadryl helps some people with anxiety. Google it. I can't use it for that, because just taking something gives me anxiety sometimes (I have mild fears that it's unsafe or that I'll fall asleep and won't wake up, ugh. Weird, I know). I do take it to sleep sometimes, though. And sometimes I lay awake worrying about it for a short while, but it usually does put me to sleep. I've quit taking it recently because I built a tolerance after taking two every night for a long while. I'm getting off on a tangent though... You should try taking it some time when you have heightened anxiety and see if it helps in the moment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted August 1, 2016 Share Posted August 1, 2016 I take that sometimes. Unfortunately I have built up such a tolerance to it too. I remember the first time I took it . . I was so out of it I could hardly wake up. . now. . close to nothin' Thanks for the kind words today, LL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostlove76 Posted August 1, 2016 Author Share Posted August 1, 2016 Same here, it hardly puts me to sleep anymore. You're welcome Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostlove76 Posted August 1, 2016 Author Share Posted August 1, 2016 Mini-update: 4 complete days of not checking pages Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted August 1, 2016 Share Posted August 1, 2016 How do you feel? Relieved? Anxious? Dying to look? Any better than when you were looking? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted August 1, 2016 Share Posted August 1, 2016 Mini-update: 4 complete days of not checking pages Ata Girl!. . . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostlove76 Posted August 1, 2016 Author Share Posted August 1, 2016 How do you feel? Relieved? Anxious? Dying to look? Any better than when you were looking? I'm kind of dying to look, BUT I'm super-aware that it will just hurt me. So that's what's keeping me from looking. Everything else is still the same (with how I'm feeling), but at least I'm not adding new hurts and new images of her that are going to be on my mind. It's become a whole heck of a lot easier not to look. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostlove76 Posted August 1, 2016 Author Share Posted August 1, 2016 Ata Girl!. . . Thanks! It says I need 10 characters to post, so had to add this sentence, never had that happen before Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted August 1, 2016 Share Posted August 1, 2016 Another way of looking at it is...for example, I am allergic to peanuts. Like, it will literally kill me to eat peanuts. I found out after eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich which put me in the ER. So...would the solution to my allergy be to keep eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches? Would the solution be to deliberately continue eating something that I know for a fact will kill me? Same with emotional health. You know for a fact that looking at the dating site and Facebook will hurt you, so it doesn't make any sense to continue. I'm really happy to read that you have been able to stop. That proves you DO have resolve. So, the next step can be to use your resolve to do one more thing to make your life better. Right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostlove76 Posted August 1, 2016 Author Share Posted August 1, 2016 Thanks so much for the encouragement I honestly never thought I could quit looking. The urge was strong and constant to "need" to know what was going on with them. But it was just making me feel worse and worse. Like you're describing it, it eventually became a fact that looking would hurt me. I kept hoping to see clues that they were apart, like I was saying before, but it just wasn't happening. One other small step I've taken is to cut way back on the drinking. I didn't cut it out entirely, but after one particularly bad hangover a few weeks ago, I decided I didn't want to feel that way anymore. Wine is what makes me feel awful, because I drink too much in one sitting. So I've only had wine once since then, and beer a handful of times but it's a lot harder to drink too much beer. So it might not sound like it, but I've actually cut way back without missing it at all. So yes... Now time to find something else to accomplish. I bet the peanut allergies have made life difficult, huh? Since traces of peanuts are in just about everything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted August 1, 2016 Share Posted August 1, 2016 I find myself drinking more than I ever have. I am not terribly concerned but it's something that I am watching. It's the alone time, in the evenings, a glass or two of wine and the anxiety lessons and my mind stops ruminating. don't have addictive tendencies and I don't doubt that I'll stop once I get passed this. It does make me sad though. That it's come to this that I sit alone and drink wine just to tolerate the silence. I get I am being over dramatic and it's the grief talking. Just trying to be patient with myself. I am glad to hear how well you are doing and how objective you've been lately. Do you go back and reread where you were when you first started coming here and far you've come? I think it's pretty impressive. You should be proud of yourself Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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